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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help!!!

44 replies

syed · 27/01/2008 20:15

Hi My son is 9mths old and my inlaws keep feeding him chocolate,sweet,cream cake,coke (anything that is bad for him). They say it is what grandparents do and is a sign of affection and only a small amount will not be harmful. I have been raising my son so far on a healthy diet of fruit,veg, fish etc and it is not my intention to give him sugary/salty food as much when he is older, and certainly not now. Please advise as to what I should do as they just don't listen and I am getting fed up with it.

OP posts:

Brangelina · 27/01/2008 20:58

Yes, at 9mths it is ridiculous. My MIL is the same, therefore she is never left alone with with my DD. I'd much rather leave her with a friend who will listen to me than her grandmother who thinks she knows best as she brought her kids up on crap (and who, incidentally, now has health problems from stemming from a lifetime of bad nutrition).

theUrbanDryad · 27/01/2008 21:00

oh, i totally sympathise with the OP, my MIL tried to give my ds strawberry cheesecake at 2 weeks! she also fed him an entire packet of chocolate buttons on his first Xmas then said "I don't know why he won't go to sleep!" AAARRRGH!!

i do think that a few bits of cake, chocolate, sweets etc isn't too bad, but it's a moderation thing isn't it? also i'd be happier with chocolate rather than sweets if i were you, less e-numbers and colourings, probably.

i would be fuming about coke. coke? at 9 months? she must be insane.

Vacua · 27/01/2008 21:08

these mothers in law, cheesecake at 2 weeks (!) for example, unless they are childless 2nd wives they MUST have had babies once?

twospecialgirls · 27/01/2008 21:09

i dont think he should have any crap atall at the end of the day it isnt like he is 3 or 4 he is 9 months old thats ridiculas i wouldnt dream of giving my dd at 9 months anything like that

flameboy · 27/01/2008 21:11

People have an enormous variation on what they think is appropriate food but is just plain rude to disregard the parents pov for feeding a 9month old. It is also ludicrous of them to pretend that they are doing a nice thing for him by giving him sweets and coke. They are not doing it for him, they are doing it to make themselves feel good. If you don't want him to have those things and they won't go by your rules then you can't leave hm with them anymore.
Why can't they show affection by playing with him? Do they associate food with love?

madrose · 27/01/2008 21:13

I had all this from all DH inlaws. I told them quite firmly that she wasn't to have anything sweet, jucie etc until after her first birthday - gave me breathing space. I was called mean - but i tried to explain that I was trying to get dd to love fruit and veg and I didn't want artifical sweetness to ruin taste buds. It did work with MIL her first easter - all the other Grandkid got eggs and DD got a lovely outfit. But aunt in law - kept trying, especially with malteasers - i told her I was scared of dd choking, and explain the taste thing, I also pointed out that SIL is addicted to choc and crisps and this has seriously affected her life (gastic band etc) she also said I shouldn't be so firm with her and expect her to learn manners when we were out.

Now dd is nearly three, she is allowed sweets and stuff in moderation, not daily, but on occaision - she rather likes choccy rasions and cake. Once a week we'll go to the shop for a comic and a milky way or something.

She loves fresh and dried fruit, and fruit juice and water. She eats loads of veg and I am always complemented on her behaviour when we're out.

Now Aunt in law and MIL tell me I did the right thing. And now they complain when I let DD have ice cream after a sunday lunch. 'she'll get fat'

it wasn't easy being thought of as mean, but the fact my daughter's have a good balanced diet was worth it.

My view is everything in moderation - mind you I don't want her to have fizzy drinks for many many years. But I did find lets wait until after her first birthday was very useful

vInTaGeVioLeT · 27/01/2008 21:21

i think JOYFULLSPIKE has it right say no loudly and stick to your guns he's your son - the first time you stick up for yourself will be hard but also empowering the more you tell them NO the stronger you'll feel but dh needs to back you up

Vacua · 27/01/2008 21:22

I was wondering if the coke-pushers were podgy or not?

Original poster

syed · 27/01/2008 21:24

podgy is an understatment.

OP posts:

theUrbanDryad · 27/01/2008 21:25

Vacua - i drink lots and lots of full fat Coke, i love the stuff and I'm really struggling at the moment because we're too skint for me to have any (probably why we're skint!!) but i'm not overly podgy, bit of a flabby baby tummy but that's about it. i'd never give it to ds though!

Vacua · 27/01/2008 21:26

that makes it easier then

'I do not want my son to end up like you' would be a tactful and diplomatic comment to make

Vacua · 27/01/2008 21:29

I didn't mean that coke makes people fat, although did I read recently that a can a day over a year can add a stone to your weight? I suppose that presumes you are getting sufficient calories from food?

just that further down someone made the point about them mistaking food for affection/love

Vacua · 27/01/2008 21:29

PS am no stick insect myself

Hecate · 27/01/2008 21:30

It doesn't matter whether they think your child should or shouldn't be eating x, y, z.

It doesn't matter if we think you're right, or if we think a bit won't hurt.

The point is, you are his mother.
You make these decisions.
If it is the choice of you and your partner to do things a certain way, then you have the right to expect that family members will respect that.

Now what can you do if they won't listen to you?

Stop leaving him with them.

If you go to them with him, and they give hime something, remove it at once and tell them thank you, but we do not allow him to have this at the moment. don't be drawn any further, just keep saying that is your decision and you expect them to respect that.

It is down to you to be assertive. If you allow yourself to be walked over, then there's nothing anyone can do to help you.

I guess you have to choose what is more important to you, because taking a stand and physically preventing them from doing this will probably end in a big row, or in not speaking for a while. If you feel that is a price worth paying because of the strength of your feeling, then you have to be strong and put your foot down. OTOH, you may decide that it is not worth having a row over, and you will just try to stop it as much as you can in a subtle way, and make up for it with uber-healthy food at all other times.

You and your other half need to decide what's the best way forward.

But above all, remember this...YOU are his parents.

Brangelina · 27/01/2008 21:31

My Dp pretty much grew up on coke and he has kept his dentist in business since he was 8. My SIL ditto and my stepson is going down the same route. All 3 pretty much have shares in the coca cola co but I don't like it so I won't have the stuff in the house (filling-free).

Luckily so far DD has preferred to drink water or heavily diluted apple juice (if it's not diluted she won't drink it) so I'm trying to make the most of it [smug mummy emoticon].

braveandcrazy · 27/01/2008 21:39

Please please keep on talking to them about this!

The small amounts they offer now will no doubt become bigger as your child grows. It has to be nipped in the bud otherwise it will get harder to say something later on. My DM used to say 'well Mummy won't be here later she won't know what treats we'll have' which wound me up but I let it go because we only visit her a couple of times a year and I have more control in my house. I know that balance and moderation is important and that the relationship with the ILs is also important but seriously, as most have said, coke at 9months is just ridiculous.

MotherFunk · 28/01/2008 00:20

Message withdrawn

alwaysnamechangeforaibu · 28/01/2008 00:48

are they mad??? coke at 9 months?? i defintiely would have lost the plot for that one!! the other stuff well... a tiny bit now and then won't hurt esp. if you are moderating what's eaten at home. (although i would have lost the plot for that too at the time). would agree with poster about chocolate rather than sweets (at least choc is a foodstuff and sweets have loads of crap in them) but would give at meal times as it damages teeth less if given as part of a meal. coke???

Wilkie · 28/01/2008 10:07

MN does make me chuckle. Everyone is up in arms if you happen to mention that you weaned your LO early yet or you gave your LO a Fruitshoot yet SO MANY people are saying the OP is being very PFB about the sweets/choc thing.

Surely the grandparents should respect her POV, even if they don't agree with it?????!!!

(this is aimed at the earlier comments rather than the recent, more sensible comments)

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