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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want something for myself once in a bloody while?

26 replies

smartiejake · 25/01/2008 11:41

DH has v. stressful job- out at 5.30 in morning and not home till 8.30ish. Comes in throws himself on the sofa, eats tea watches tv etc. I am lucky if he even acknowledges my existence.

I have been enjoying a tap class for about three years and only managed to go 4 times last term. Since the new term I have not been able to go once as he has either been away or too late home from work or out with clients.

I now find out that he has a client weekend in Switzerland on the same weekend I was supposed to be going away with my sis and some friends to her apartment in France for a skiing weekend.

I know it's for work but he gets to go away and spend time in top hotels and eat in fancy restaurants all the time and the one weekend I need him to be here(the only one- I have never been away like this before) and I can't go. I just get stuck with all the taxiing the dds around, homework, housework, cooking, shoppingetc. not to mention having quite a busy part time teaching job.

I have no one to look after the dds (my mum is very ill so I can't ask parents) and I haven't asked mil as I know she would not want to commit herself for 4 days.

He's never here and I sit here night after night on my own. Feel like a one parent family.
The ONE thing I really wanted to do and I can't
Sorry for the rant know there isn't a solution to this BUT IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!

Thankyou for listening.

OP posts:
Karen999 · 25/01/2008 11:46

I agree...It's not fair.....is there nobody else who could have the dc's?

Original poster
smartiejake · 25/01/2008 11:47

No there is no-one. If it was during the chool holiay's my sil would help but it's going on a friday and back on a monday so it's not feasible.

OP posts:
Scootergrrrl · 25/01/2008 11:49

What's a client weekend? Can he change it? Does he even see why you want him to? I agree it's horrid being the one always left behind at home holidng everything together.

WiiMii · 25/01/2008 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chopchopbusybusy · 25/01/2008 11:52

Definitely not fair... Probably not a great deal you can do about it, but if it were my DH I'd make sure he knew I was mightily cheesed off.

Has it just been sprung on him? My DH is quite frustrating in that if I say I have something on he often says 'Oh, I'm working that weekend' grrrrrrrrr... So, I bought one of those calendars (his idea) with different spaces for all of us and guess who is the only person in the house that has written anything in it so far!

Baffy · 25/01/2008 11:53

How important is this client weekend? Can't he get someone else to go in his place?

It is very unfair. And I know his is for work. But I've been on a few of these client weekends and quite often, apart from the social side and building up good client relationships, not much actual work gets done at all. Surely he can delegate it to someone else and have the weekend at home. Sounds like he could do with some quality time with his dd's anyway.

Plus, if you're was booked first and he knows how important it is to you, he really should have told work that he already has prior committments and can't make it.

I don't think YABU

OrmIrian · 25/01/2008 11:56

That is a totally unsustainable situation. Your DH is taking the p*ss royally. He can't use work as a trump card to always get his own way. It is perfectly possible to say no to your employer from time to time. I think I would kick up big time. And also make sure he gets back in time for your class. It is important.

Have you had a talk with him about this. Does he know how bad it makes you feel? It isn't a situation without a solution - it lies with you to tell him and him to make some concessions.

Tommy · 25/01/2008 11:56

it makes you feel very down trodden doesn't it? I feel kike this although I just want to go to the pub for an evening rather than France for weekend (sounds lovely ) but it's all the same principle.

and what is it with men and family calendars?

Original poster
smartiejake · 25/01/2008 11:58

DDs are 9 and 11. Mil will not look after both of them for 4 days and he would not ask her anyway. All arrangements regarding the dds are definitely up to me and nothing I want matters.

To be fair the dates for both our weekends were announced at about the same time. It wasn't already arranged before his client thing. Just an unlucky coincidence. He has no choice BTW it's for work and he is expected to go. It's quite a new job and V. V. well paid he has to go it's part of his job to entertain clients.

Joke of it is his employee handbook (American smushy crap) went on and on about their company promoting a good work life balance!

OP posts:
Baffy · 25/01/2008 11:59

agree with OrmIrian

WiiMii · 25/01/2008 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
smartiejake · 25/01/2008 12:00

He can't delegate it to someone else either as the date is set. Lots of his colleagues are going and he is very high up in his job and HAS to go.

No point talking to him about it, he wouldn't listen anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
smartiejake · 25/01/2008 12:02

wii mii- it would involve school runs on the friday and monday which is just too difficult to organise.

OP posts:
Baffy · 25/01/2008 12:04

sounds like you've resigned yourself to not going

I do think at the very least you need to sort out going to your class. Yes he is high up in his job, well paid etc - that does not mean that you are not entitled to a life too.

Your dd's are joint responsibility - he needs to acknowledge that

Anna8888 · 25/01/2008 12:04

OrmIrian - absolutely adore your sentence "He can't use work as a trump card to always get his own way". Will be plagiarising . Thanks.

WiiMii · 25/01/2008 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 25/01/2008 12:06

Get a babysitter for the weekend and leave your daughters with her and go on your trip.

If you husband's job is this busy, you have absolutely no choice but to buy in child care. Or you will go crazy.

Ripeberry · 25/01/2008 12:07

I just feel sorry for him, never being able to enjoy his time at home.
He must just think it's a place to sleep.
He really needs to rethink his hours as they are sh*t.
Lots of people seem to have big,important jobs and they have to give their best years to it.
Ok they can afford to buy expensive/nice things and live in good areas, but most of the time they don't LIVE there.
AB

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 12:07

Whenever I book anything now, I email dh at work and get him to put it into his work diary. Does your dh have a secretary? Can you get her/him to make sure your items are diarised (yuk) for your DH.

You probably can't get this changed now, but I would make damned sure that he knows that you feel taken for granted, and that your patience and good nature are being abused.

Yes his work is important, but the children are also important, and he should be spending time with them too. Otherwise he'll wake up one morning, they will have gone to be with boyfriends, university whatever, and he'll have missed it. And he will regret it, even if he doesn't think so now.

Once you have made your point, let the dust settle then make another arrangement for YOU time, make sure he knows when it is, that the kids will be his responsibilty, then stick to it.

Niecie · 25/01/2008 12:09

YANBU - That isn't fair at all.

I hate it when they use the moral high ground and say it is work and therefore must come before anything else, but it is a weekend and he didn't check with you first so he shouldn't have assumed he can just go away.

Since you have arranged something first he should either change it or get somebody else to go instead.

Have you bought your flight yet? Surely he can see it is a waste of money if you don't use the ticket. I assume that you told him your plans before he told you about his trip. I think I would be inclined to say 'Oh a trip to Switzerland, thats nice. What are you going to do with the children whilst you're away? I'm sure you remember I won't be here, don't you. Let me know what you are going to do with them so that I can get the spare room sorted/pack their bags.'

I suppose the reality is that he won't change anything. Any chance you and your sister can change the weekend you go?

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 12:14

Oh and yes, he also needs to establish in his mind that one day per week he HAS to be home by a time so that you can go to your class. Maybe 3 nights a week he can be later, but that one night is important. His employers need to respect that. He has a family, and they must have their place.

They employ him, they don't OWN him, it's up to him to negotiate rules too.

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 12:20

OH and if "his employee handbook (American smushy crap) went on and on about their company promoting a good work life balance! " he can quote that back to his manager when he points out that he is frequently working late, and is going away over a weekend. I presume he will be getting some time off in lieu, maybe he can spend a couple of days with the girls at half term???

Too many men allow their employer to call all the shots. If he's 'high up in his job' then they should have the respect for him to accept that he needs to get home now and then too.

My guess is he likes being 'indespensible', and won't ask, until you make it necessary to him.

Original poster
smartiejake · 25/01/2008 12:27

clumsy- you have hit the nail on the head.

He NEVER takes time off in the school holidays unless it is to go on our family holidays.

Never mind taking days off- he can't even guarantee being able to get home in time for the parents evenings (both of which are in the same week in a fortnight's time)

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 25/01/2008 12:37

I so agree clumsymum. I work in an all male dept and most of them have kids but are perfectly happy to stay late, every night if need be, be on call at all hours at home, never say no to anything, rarely take all their leave. But the stupid thing is that there is no need for it - none of them are indispensable individually. I feel for their families. I am part-time and have made it quite clear that my DCs come first which doesn't always make me popular (as I'm discovering atm ). But if it was normal for everyone to get some kind of balance, people who work like me wouldn't get all the stick and people like the OPs DH wouldn't feel obliged to work stupid hours.

clumsymum · 25/01/2008 13:09

Dh has recently started working for a company run by a French man, who is very family oriented, and promotes family life for his employees.
In the last 4 months dh has been able to attend 2 school meetings and a drs appt with ds, and get home early when I have school governers meetings (bliss). He couldn't get to the school Carol Concert because of a client crisis, but got an apology and bottle of wine from his manager the following day.

At Xmas the company hosted a lovely dinner event for employees and partners, AND a family high tea for the whole family. The MD dressed as father christmas and gave us all lovely presents (a wonderful Science Museum robot money box for ds).

This company is just soooo different to most in this country, but should be held up as a model.

I particularly appreciate it, because dh was away for two years prior to getting this job.

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