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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to take DD to after school activites?

27 replies

Shaniece · 13/01/2008 17:24

such as Gymnastics, Ballet and Swimming?

This is going to sound totally selfish and i know I am BU but my problem is I am painfully shy and really hate any kind of social situation. This includes picking DD up from School and going to after school clubs. I really force myself to take her because I don;t want DD or DS ended up painfully shy and anti-social like me.

DD goes to ballet on a Monday after School, Gymnastics on a Tuesday and we are on the waiting list for Swimming lessons which start February which will be on a Thursday.

Would i be selfish to drop one (probably ballet as she isn't too keen) and just take her to 2 after schools activities a week? It stresses me out so much. I physically feel sick.

DH just thinks i am being selfish. DH is a very competitive person and wants DD to be the best at everything - whereas I am of the attitude, either they want to do it or they don't, and it they don't so what. DD says one weeks she hates Ballet then the next she wants to go, its so annoying.

OP posts:
edam · 13/01/2008 17:29

How old is dd? Anyway, YANBU at all - two activities are more than enough, frankly (depending on what the child in question wants to do). Deffo drop ballet since she's not so keen on it.

Dh needs to chill and realise filling a child's time with activities is Not Good - they need to unwind and relax just like adults AND have to learn how to entertain themselves.

Swimming is important so I would definitely keep that up.

Have you ever thought about having any kind of treatment for your shyness, though? Only if you want to, obv. but if it's getting in the way of you doing the things you want to do on behalf of the kids, it might be worth thinking about.

Original poster
Shaniece · 13/01/2008 17:32

Thanks edam. I agree kids need to just relax and unwind. I feel my DH is a bit pushy with DD sometimes - she is only 5.

As for the shyness, I would feel an idiot to go to the GP for this reason. I do need to overcome it though.

OP posts:
edam · 13/01/2008 17:47

It's definitely not daft to ask the GP for his/her advice about shyness if it is severe enough to stop you doing the things you want to do, especially on behalf of the children. You'd be amazed at some of the reasons people consult their GPs!

Sounds as if you and dh are very different people. Maybe you need to have a chat with him about your different approaches/how he can work with you rather than taking the wrong direction and appearing over-bearing? And how you can work together to help your children? And why he feels the need to push dd, even though she's just five, bless her.

It's probably good for them to see two different ways of being, IYKWIM, but not if it causes conflict and makes you unhappy.

ChasingSquirrels · 13/01/2008 18:22

Agree that 2 activities seems ample.
ds is also 5 (reception) and goes to swimming lessons once a week.
He has also just started a couple of after school clubs (was going to be one but because it was oversubscribed they only get to go every fortnight - so I asked if he wanted to do another one aswell). These are in school so he just stays there.
As it happens the weekly after school club is the same night as swimming, so it will be school, club 3-4 then swimming 4.30-5. So he will only have activities once a week and an extra one once a fortnight.
The rest of the time we go to the park on the way home, or just come home and hang out, or sometimes see friends.

luckylady74 · 13/01/2008 18:39

my local college does confidence courses re your shyness and my ds1 does no activities - we go swimming at the weekend and park or straight home after school.

wheresthehamster · 13/01/2008 19:00

Find somewhere that does lessons at the weekend and get DH to take her if he's that bothered

ElenyaTuesday · 13/01/2008 19:02

At 5, two activities is more than enough! At that age I don't think my children did anything at all - they found school tiring enough.

sandyballs · 13/01/2008 19:04

Not unreasonable at all. My DD's are nearly 7 and don't do anything. They do have their names down for Brownies at Easter though.

tori32 · 13/01/2008 19:24

Shaniece you are not being unreasonable. 2 activities after school is plenty at this age, as inevitably with after school activities their evening meal is delayed, bedtime later and therefore anymore would mean a very exhausted and bad tempered child by the end of the week. Also, dropping ballet if she isn't keen is exactly what you should do. You should not force children to carry on with things they really dislike if they have lots of hobbies.
If your DH is keen for her to continue then find a class when he is available to take her.

pukkapatch · 13/01/2008 19:26

the danger is you teaching your kids to be shy.
the way i work it, each child gets to do one activity a week. thaty means three times a week we are all out after school. if it was two each, it would be six activites in five days.

Original poster
Shaniece · 13/01/2008 20:37

Thanks for your replies. Sorry i have taken so long to get back but DH and I have spent the last hour or so having a blazing argument. I told him I was going to CAB tomorrow about info on getting a divorce etc. God i hate him at the moment.

I won't go into the details but to cut a long story short he reckons i am bone idle (as in doing the housework) and i don't spend enough time with the DC's (although I am a SAHM and see them all the time ) and he reckons i spend to much time on here or working out at the gym - so I am not entitled to some ME time am I? He thinks not, he is such an asshole and a control freak.

Sorry, rant over.

OP posts:
bookwormmum · 13/01/2008 20:41

My dd does 3 activities - swimming, ballet/tap and Brownies. I won't let her take on anymore, not least because of the cost or hassle of taking her to places (WOHM here). Equally weekend activities (bar the occasional party or Church activity club) are out of the question since I want that for family time. I'm not sure, if it came to it, what we would drop .

Original poster
Shaniece · 13/01/2008 20:58

How old is your DD bookwormmum?

OP posts:
dinny · 13/01/2008 21:02

my dd does too many acitivites really (I think, she doesn't agree) - only doesn't do something on a Thursday, But she really likes them all so couldn't make her drop any particular one... Try and find a ballet class on a Sat? DD's is, there seem to be lots then. Can you drop her off and then escape somewhere to avoid feeling shy maybe?

perpetualworrier · 13/01/2008 21:04

Would DH be so keen if it was him who had to take her and deal with all the competitive parents at these things?

I have stepped back from a number of them, because I didn't think the environment was healthy. I actually heard a mother complaining that her weekend had been ruined because her DS had played badly at tennis. He'd only won 2/3 games

Mine now go to swimming, Beavers and a church group. If they express a stong pref for something else I might take them along, but weekends are sacred family time, as Bookworm says and they would have to make a very very stong case before they were allowed to take up any regular activity at the weekend.

bookwormmum · 13/01/2008 21:10

She's 7 Shaniece. She wanted to go to a church youth group (some of her friends from school go but they don't do ballet/tap etc!) on a Thurs to add to the Mon/Tues/Fri she's already out but I put my foot down. Plenty of time for youth groups later on. I wish the activities didn't just stop dead at holidays though.

sabaidii · 14/01/2008 09:12

I disagree with extracurricular activities. What ever happened to children playing with boxes? I'm originally from an underdeveloped country and I work in Asia, so the goings on in westernised countries baffle me.

Sabaidii's kids have never owned a toy, yet they're so much happier than kids who do extra curricular stuff and have a room load of toys. I find that in general, kids who grow up without any of this are more content. They know how to occupy themselves and have better imaginations. There is really no need to give your kids hundreds of things to do. Also this is a waste of money, in my opinion.

Oblomov · 14/01/2008 09:23

When I were young, children only went to one per week. Maybe ballet or brownies, if your parents could affors it/take youthere/be bothered.
But it does seem the norm these days to do 4 or 5.
Seems ricky-doo-dilous to me.
I agree with all those that have said 2 if enough.
What about her 'home time' with you ?
What have you decided ?

HonoriaGlossop · 14/01/2008 09:42

agree with oblomov, one activity was it too when I was a kid! I did brownies. Swimming was a family thing we did at weekends.

I agree with sabaidii too, to an extent. Kids need a lot, lot less than many of them get in this country. My ds goes swimming but is totally anti any other activities - he wants to spend all his time playing imaginatively atm - he can certainly occupy himself and has the most amazing imagination. Though he DOES have a room full of toys, too.......so I wouldn't say toys in themselves make kids non imaginative and non content. I think being timetabled in to an activity every day could though!

I hope things have calmed a bit with your dh though Shaneice, that sounds grim. And I totally understand how you feel about being shy and these activities being a trial. Unless you are shy it's exptremely difficult to imagine just how hard it is even dropping a child off to these sorts of things. I think you're doing really well to offer two, personally.

edam · 14/01/2008 09:50

he does sound very controlling. And how the hell does he know how much time you spend actively doing stuff with the kids if he's out at work?

Sounds as if he's got expectations - based on his own childhood - that he thinks you MUST obey. I'd tell him to take a flying jump, if I were you. But if you are prepared to sort it out, you need to have a discussion about respect. And perhaps organise for him to take a week off and do the childcare and housework and see how much HE gets done.

blisteringbarnacles · 14/01/2008 09:56

I agree on the after school activities front, it's such a guilt trip that we have to do so many. Sorry to hear about the row. Of course he would do SOOOO much better if he was the one at home (methinks not). On the shyness front, this is something I have had to deal with. Much better now due to practice but I started off with something to occupy myself.. filling in diary, writing letters, making long overdue phone calls.. so as not to have that stress. If you are really shy you are probably practised at these already! Some after school groups can have quite clique-y parents too so it's not all that easy, but there may be more shy Mums around than you think, possibly?

Original poster
Shaniece · 14/01/2008 11:50

Thanks for your replies. I totally agree with what you all have said - I personally think 2 activities a week is more than enough but it does seem the norm these days for kids to go to 4 or 5 (competitive parents methinks).

DH and I have very different ideas on bringing up our DC's. I am more laid back about things, i.e. if they want to do activities then ok if they don't then they don't.

DH is more competitive and wants DD to be the best at everything (his parents are the same). It is so annoying tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaniece · 14/01/2008 11:54

edam - I think you are right about his expectations based on his childhood. His father is a bit chauvanistic. the mother has always been a SAHM and spends her days cooking, cleaning and shopping - this is the norm for them and funnily enough DH and I argued about this last night. He is turning into his dad- god forbid.

OP posts:
Scramble · 14/01/2008 11:58

I think limiting the activities are fine, but I would worry if you had to limit them because you can't cope with taking her, I think that is a seperate issue you have to tackle.

Enid · 14/01/2008 12:01

agree with scramble

mine only do two (dd2, 5 does ballet and swimming, dd1, 8 does swimming and riding)