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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushy parenting AIBU

44 replies

OMsportsdilema · 23/04/2022 21:25

So...

Feels like a bit of a shocker, what do you think?

DD has been chosen to play a school sports competition. Was at training yesterday with the local team who are running the competition for the local schools. Coach kept some older ones behind to ask them to join make a team and join the competition as a few teams have dropped out.

OM (other mum) asked what the coach wanted... I explained. She made an excuse of leaving something on the pitch to return and talk to the coach.

OM returned a few minutes later and said DD had been "asked" to play tomorrow.

Her DD was not chosen for the school team, there is no way she would be chosen for a club instead. OM blatantly pushed for her DD to play. Feels like she is piggybacking on the school teams experience and may be quite awkward, especially when the school teacher who chose the team is there.

YABU- the more the merrier

YANBU- this is pushy beyond words

More than accept I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I never thought anyone would do that, i'm what you see is what you get.

For background; it's a very competitive private school both our DDs attend. My DD is very sporty and on all the school teams for the sports she plays. OMs DD is sweet, shy and not very sporty, this is one of the first sports she has wanted to try.

All options please Smile

OP posts:
Clymene · 23/04/2022 22:32

What the hell has it got to do with you?

Get a job or find something else to think about.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 23/04/2022 22:37

Oh do please stop with the faux naïveté.

Sally872 · 23/04/2022 22:39

It is pushy, I wouldn't do it. I also wouldn't care that OM did. It is for coach to manage and maybe her shy child needs more advocating but yours does not. Maybe her child won't ve good enough and will feel rubbish as a sub. Their chance to take.

BeerLoas · 23/04/2022 22:39

She sounds pushy but you also sound a little too gleeful your DD is picked for every team and is sporty at a ‘super competitive private school’ whereas hers isn’t, so both of you ABU. Did you ever think what drives people to behave like that and how her ‘shy not sporty’ DD feels?

I’d suggest you both think about what example
you’re setting.

AliceMcK · 23/04/2022 22:42

My dd was chosen as youngest in her school, only ks1 child to play in a school football tournament, she fast and very agile, loves sports even though she dosnt care about football. Another mum found out, very pushy all her children are perfect and excel at EVERYTHING. Her poor DD spent the entire tournament on the side lines freezing on her own after pushy mum pushed for her to be included. My DD wasn’t a key player, obviously a back up but at least got some decent playing time to make it worth it. I felt so sorry for the other girl, the schoolhouse just say it all, but her mum dost this all the time. Her most recent one is gymnastics. The poor bloody child has absolutely no interest in it but dose as she’s told. The child is the youngest of 4 and apparently her older siblings have been through it all too.

AliceMcK · 23/04/2022 22:43

That’s suppose to say school photos*

Original poster
OMsportsdilema · 23/04/2022 22:50

BeerLoas · 23/04/2022 22:39

She sounds pushy but you also sound a little too gleeful your DD is picked for every team and is sporty at a ‘super competitive private school’ whereas hers isn’t, so both of you ABU. Did you ever think what drives people to behave like that and how her ‘shy not sporty’ DD feels?

I’d suggest you both think about what example
you’re setting.

Couldn't give the foggiest if DD was on any teams.. I have told her just to have fun. I was trying to set the scene.

Sounds very similar to what the last mum described. Her motive it not to miss out on anything school related!

OP posts:
trainnane · 23/04/2022 22:55

She's pushy yes. But you seem a bit over invested too

edwinbear · 23/04/2022 23:07

Honestly OP, it comes across that you feel a bit threatened on behalf of your DD here? If the other mum’s DD joins the ‘older team’ rather than playing for the school team, she might improve sufficiently to take your DD’s place on the school team. I get it, I have sporty DC at private school too and competition for the school teams is fierce, but honestly, best to focus on your own DD’s performance and stop worrying about others.

Original poster
Omsportsdilema · 23/04/2022 23:11

edwinbear · 23/04/2022 23:07

Honestly OP, it comes across that you feel a bit threatened on behalf of your DD here? If the other mum’s DD joins the ‘older team’ rather than playing for the school team, she might improve sufficiently to take your DD’s place on the school team. I get it, I have sporty DC at private school too and competition for the school teams is fierce, but honestly, best to focus on your own DD’s performance and stop worrying about others.

It's only a one off competition that the specific school group have met a few times to train for. It's not a sport they usually do matches for.

The team being made is only for the competition too. The coach asked DD specifically not knowing she was in one of the school teams.

Not sure I explained it well.. it's mostly that this mum has form. The type to smile at your face and stab you in the back Smile

OP posts:
edwinbear · 23/04/2022 23:29

So it’s a niche sport, I’ll go with say fencing, that school don’t usually compete in and the club don’t usually compete in either, but a group of school teachers and club coaches have got together to arrange a competition in order to give interested children an opportunity to compete, which they wouldn’t ordinarily get and are unlikely to again in the near future either? OM has basically asked the club coach if her DD might be able to take part on behalf of the club as she’s not been selected for the school team and the coach has agreed. Her DD hasn’t had much experience of competitive sport and this is a one off opportunity for her to have a go. I don’t see the harm actually, she may do well, she may not, she may enjoy it, she may not, but I’m all for every child getting an opportunity to play competitive sport if they would like to. Hopefully all the children taking part enjoy themselves and take something from it, it doesn’t sound like it’s an Olympic qualifying event so surely, the more children who have a fun day playing in their chosen sport, the better!

Christinatherabbit · 23/04/2022 23:31

This is your idea of a 'shocker'?! 🤦‍♀️

converseandjeans · 23/04/2022 23:34

Her DD was not chosen for the school team, there is no way she would be chosen for a club instead. OM blatantly pushed for her DD to play. Feels like she is piggybacking on the school teams experience and may be quite awkward, especially when the school teacher who chose the team is there.

So leave it for the coach and teacher to sort out. I can't believe you are so interested in all of this nonsense. It sounds like your DD has been picked on ability and you're annoyed the other child now gets a chance. Just let her have a go. It's a little dramatic to start a thread on MN about it all.

Original poster
Omsportsdilema · 23/04/2022 23:39

edwinbear · 23/04/2022 23:29

So it’s a niche sport, I’ll go with say fencing, that school don’t usually compete in and the club don’t usually compete in either, but a group of school teachers and club coaches have got together to arrange a competition in order to give interested children an opportunity to compete, which they wouldn’t ordinarily get and are unlikely to again in the near future either? OM has basically asked the club coach if her DD might be able to take part on behalf of the club as she’s not been selected for the school team and the coach has agreed. Her DD hasn’t had much experience of competitive sport and this is a one off opportunity for her to have a go. I don’t see the harm actually, she may do well, she may not, she may enjoy it, she may not, but I’m all for every child getting an opportunity to play competitive sport if they would like to. Hopefully all the children taking part enjoy themselves and take something from it, it doesn’t sound like it’s an Olympic qualifying event so surely, the more children who have a fun day playing in their chosen sport, the better!

Agree with the sentiment

It was more the catty way it was done and how she spoke and has done to many others- guess I couldn't put that into context.

It's not that niche. The school don't usually play it but the club do. It feeds into a national competition.

I'm just hoping it's not awkward for the kids and the teacher.

She will also sell it as her DD was chosen to represent the team

She is the kind to give the cold shoulder when you walk by if you are not one of the cronies along with the fake smile is someone is watching.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 23/04/2022 23:53

I’ll bet the conversation OM had with the club coach was very different to how she is portraying it. I’d hazard a guess she had a conversation with the coach along the lines of ‘DD was disappointed not to be selected for school especially as so many of her friends are going, is there possibly space for her to join the club team as she’s very keen’. She knows you all know she wasn’t selected for the school team, be gracious and let her save face a bit - both for her and her DD’s sake.

edwinbear · 23/04/2022 23:58

And it won’t be awkward at all re the teacher, she knows why she didn’t select her, but my experience of PE staff is that they are always delighted to see children taking part in out of school sport. The teacher felt the children she did select were the stronger players, but she’ll be pleased to see someone she didn’t choose for this event hasn’t been deterred from playing - that’s a good thing.

Teeheehee1579 · 24/04/2022 00:00

This thread sums up everything I absolutely loathed about the private school my kids were in for a spell - pushy parents (both of you) who were jealous and catty every time someone else’s child was given a go whilst wafting around saying oh I’ve no idea what’s going on - I usually take no notice - what a load of old tosh. Get a bloomin grip.

PinkWisteria · 24/04/2022 10:06

Struggling to understand what the issue is to be honest.

Original poster
Omsportsdilema · 24/04/2022 10:12

The school chose 10 children... lots of others would like to have been chosen. Other DC didn't make the team and I haven't pushed for them to be included.

OMs child wasn't chosen so she pushed her way in ... as she has form for doing. It's the way she acted like she was going to sort something else out then came back like ... ooh what time are we meeting?

The school team are turning up in PE kit... won't be surprised if she makes her poor DD do the same.

OP posts:
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