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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to rip the head of my DS's Headmistress off.

74 replies

discoverlife · 04/01/2008 16:37

DH and myself have decided to start Home Educating our DS2 10yo year 6 who is SEN, for a variety of reasons. The main one being persistant bullying because of his problems. We called it bullying the Headmistress called it misunderstandings between DS and others as he see's things in a very black and white way. She thought the kids were just having a laugh, my DS knew they were laughing at him. The bullying also included persistant verbal and physical torment.
The reason for my blazing fury ATM is that now we have told DS2 that he will not be going back there, he has opened up to us about the really bad stuff that was going on (I thought he trusted us) that he was too petrified to tell us for fear of retribution.
It seems that one of the worst verbal abuses was that they spread the word around school that because he is so thick (he's not), he would never get married and would become a peadophile and have sex with babies. I am welling up now remembering the look on his face, he expected me to tell him off about it, how can I repair his self esteem after that?
The physical abuse was general pushing and shoving, (incidents of weeing in his school bag as wel)), but as soon as one had managed to get him to the ground, 5 others would jump up and down on him. God how I tried to get him to tell me what the bruises were from. How is it that these little shits children could gain so much power that Mothers love couldn't help.
I just want to rip the Headmistress head off for being an Ostrich. When we moved to the school she assured us there was no bullying, well in her eyes there isn't as she is too bloody blind to see it.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 04/01/2008 18:04

I'd be in there ripping away, but the formal letter will get better results

On a practical note - you should find there are links in the Home Ed threads for "deschooling". You may well find that anything which seems remotely like school will upset your son for a while until he puts this behind him. Forget everything about "education" for as long as it takes - if your LEA or anyone start pressuring you to say how you're going to be providing the HE, tell them loud and clear about what he's been through and that the educational goal for the next months is to start undoing the damage the school have caused.

lucyellensmum · 04/01/2008 18:04

as someone who was systematically bullied throughout my school life, i think you are right to make the stand you are making. It totally runied my academic life, and influenced my adult life i am sure.

All those comments she made about your child being too sensitive - i read that as she could see a problem but couldnt deal with it, this woman does not deserve her job!!

Saturn74 · 04/01/2008 18:06

discoverlife, we decided to home educate our child because he was not getting any support for his dyslexia, and he was being bullied.

In a small village church school with an excellent reputation.

I was shocked by the snippets of information DS2 came out with about what had happened to him.

Bit by bit, he revealed how awful every day had been for him, and how no-one had listened when he tried to ask the staff for help.

I knew things had been bad, but had no idea of the real extent.

Six months later, his brother decided to try home education too.

And even though I had thought he was doing OK at school, DS1 too came out with details of how he had been mocked, teased and bullied because of his dyslexia and dyspraxia.

But he had just put his head down and got on with it. And I shudder to think how it would have affected him by the time he left school.

We are now nearly three years on, and deciding to HE was the best decision we ever made.

Feel free to CAT me if you want to chat.

Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 18:11

There were other resons for H E' ing son including lack of one 2 one that he was entitled to. He was supposed to have 15 hours a week 1-2-1 but the assistant was used as a class room assistant, not for actually sitting down with DS and encoraging him.
I tested his schooling by stopping all reading homework for 2 months, he changed his book once in that time, when I was helping he changed it twice a week, and I was only doing 15 minutes a night with him.
I really do think that he was shoved in a corner an basically forgotton, unless I went in complaining and asking why he was in tears yet again.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 04/01/2008 18:14

thank god he has you for a mum, it would be very easy for a less on the ball parent to just accept things. I really feel all of those things need to be taken to a higher level. This woman is not doing the job she is paid to do.

Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 18:30

There seems to be a thread here (pardon the pun) in that small church schools seem to be mentioned a bit. DS's school was also a small CofE. With an excellent reputation.

OP posts:
moondog · 04/01/2008 18:33

How utterly dreadful Discover.
Appalled and horrified to read of your poor son's trials.

Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 18:46

HumphreyCushion I can't CAt so could you e-mail me at [email protected] as I could do with more advise about the HE ing.

OP posts:
Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 19:28

Thank you everybody for your support and encouragement. It has helped me regain my perspective.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
newgirl · 04/01/2008 19:34

if it were me i would

  1. put all the events in writing
  1. name the children involved, with dates if possible
  1. send it to the head and the goveners

You could add that you have had to withdraw your child because of the school's incompetence in dealing with this siutation and that you hope they take serious steps to prevent this happening to another child

because sadly i think these bullies, allowed to get away with it, will now move on to another child -please do put it in writing for the school records

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 04/01/2008 19:36

Words fail me.

I want to rip her flipping head off too.

Quattrocento · 04/01/2008 19:38

I think you should do more than report it to the school and to the governors. I think you should take all the actions suggested but I think you should contact the local authority and I think you should also consult a solicitor about this.

Troutpout · 04/01/2008 19:51

your poor ds

Lauriefairycake · 04/01/2008 19:55

Obviously you need to tell the Head what has been really going on now that your son has told you so that she can still take action against the children. Really hope they use this opportunity to take appropriate action.

My dh has just said exactly what elevenrustypipers said that there is bullying in all schools and parents should be asking about anti-bullying policies - the sad fact is that it's too easy for schools to 'give the best answer' to 'how much bullying is there in school' rather than actually say what they do about it.

I know the best secondary round here gives very bland answers (which pissed my husband off no end) rather than be upfront about it - leading parents to believe that the best answer is 'There's no bullying in our school no-sirree' when its a pile of bullshit.

Very sad for your son - really hope that he thrives with you in home-ed.

wooga · 04/01/2008 20:27

That's absolutely awful

My son has asd.

I am very worried about how he'll manage in future as he's very vulnerable (and as someone who was bullied I can remember the fear I had.

Glad your ds has been able to tell you everything now (thank god he has parents that listen to him) and I hope you can get the culprits brought to justice with or without the head's help.

I despise bullying, I know that unfortunately it goes on, but it sounds like it wasn't even dealt with and is being swept under the rug-is she worried about school's precious reputation?

Heated · 04/01/2008 20:43

Initially, I when I saw the title of the thread, I thought I was going to have to give a defence of my profession but I am truly shocked and appalled. It's absolutely terrible what's happened to your boy and I am so sorry.

I firmly agree with pp's about complaining to the head, governors, LEA and Ofsted - outline it just as you have on here. They deserve to be shocked and ashamed that this went on under their noses.

HomeEd sounds just what he needs at present but don't necessarily rule out other schools at a later date, some really DO nurture their SEN pupils.

I am still shaking my head in absolute astonishment...

Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 21:04

Thank you Heated
I do think that the reputation of the school is VERY important. It is with all church affiliated schools they have to keep up the appearences of being better than standard state schools. Have YOU ever heard of a bad church school?

OP posts:
Heated · 04/01/2008 21:20

Yes, personally both dh & I know a few poor church schools - my dh very well!

Do you think you will need to home educate your son until he finishes formal education or are there any good SEN depts by reputation within the area?

Winetimeisfinetime · 04/01/2008 21:25

What a horrible experience for your ds. I think you have done the right thing by deciding to HE. I'm sure once he feels ready and you get going with it, he will come on in leaps and bounds. I took my ds out of school as he was being bullied and it was taking its toll on his confidence and happiness. He was a different boy once we started HE and it's a decision I don't regret at all. He's now 13 and attends an online college and is doing really well and more importantly is very happy.

Mercy · 04/01/2008 21:29

As it's a church school then contact your priest/vicar and or someone responsible for the school in the diocesan authority.

But after or at the same time you have made a formal complaint to the Head and Governing body.

Good luck - your poor boy.

Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 21:29

I will have to see how things go with the HE'ing. At the moment I can't see him going back to school. Maybe to college where I hope there would be a more mature atmosphere so he could get some qualifications.

OP posts:
Original poster
discoverlife · 04/01/2008 21:33

The school isn't a total church school as in you have to be of the faith etc. It is a 'voluntary controlled school' funded by the council. But as its the only one within 5 miles it had to be the one we were allocated.

OP posts:
emmaagain · 04/01/2008 22:47

I wanted to add that, although this may not be a popular opinion, I don't believe you have any responsibility at all for making an official complaint about the bullying and seeing it through various bureacratic processes.

You have made your view known in the most forceful way possible - by removing your child from the abuse.

What the headteacher chooses to do about it is up to them.

What the other parents decide to do about it, if they learn of it, is up to them.

Whether any other children are emboldened by your son's example to tell their parents about how they themselves get treated, and whether any other parents are inspired to remove their own children from such situations is up to them.

Bullying is inherent in schools, just as it is inherent in prisons - closed societies with arbitrary sules and hierarchies and the majority of those present being disempowered, even to the extent of whether they want to be there or not. Survival of the fittest is going to be inevitable. I'm so glad your son is out of it.

ThreeBluecubs · 04/01/2008 22:59

I have goosebumps too. That is horrific. I'm so sorry your son has had to go through this. Why are some humans so unpleasant?

I just hope you can highlight this to her. If she still ignores you, could the press help, or would that make your lives too unbearable?

ThreeBluecubs · 04/01/2008 23:03

Bookends - can I ask what it was about your Church primary that caused you concern? We are having a couple of doubts about ours.

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