to not want my uncle to attend the interment of my mum's ashes?

[GeekgirlRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Feel really about this.
My mum died at the end of November after a truly horrendous 10 months of suffering with ovarian cancer. During that time she asked several times, through her sister, for her older brother to please get in touch (their contact had been limited to Christmas cards for a few years).

My uncle made up the most ridiculous excuses throughout the whole time for not getting in touch - he said the phone number didn't work, letters had got lost in the post, blablabla My mum was upset about this on several occasions.

One of his wives (serial monogamist - he had 6 I think) died from cancer and apparently he didn't 'want to know' at that time either (and incidentally didn't let her go to a doctor despite being in pain for months, so by the time it was found it was everywhere, leaving 2 little boys motherless as a result), so we think he just didn't have the guts to get in touch with my poor mum who was coping with a truly horrible illness with nothing but bravery and dignity.

My mum's memorial service and cremation was shortly after her death, and the ashes are going to be interred in a ceremony for close family members at the end of January, we're expecting 15 people in total. Apparently this bloody uncle has announced his attendance (my aunt told me).

My aunt isn't happy about it either but said there's nothing we can do. I'm considering writing to him and asking him to please stay away. AIBU?

I don't think yabu to think like this. The funeral is teh opportunity for everyone to come; the public ceremony when you have to put up with people you might wish weren't there. But this is the private ceremony for people who actually really mattered. My mum died in May and I know exactly where you're coming from about this. But, since your mum did ask after your brother, I do think, in this case, that you'll have to bite your tongue. I'm so sorry your mum has died.

So sorry to hear about your Mum.
It sounds as though your uncle has a serious problem with terminal illness and chooses to deal with it with denial. He should have had the courage to see your Mum. He is entirely in the wrong.
On the other hand, I agree with everyone else that the best thing to do would be to take the high road and let him come. You are understandably very angry and upset, but he will never get another chance to be at the internment.

Geekgirl, he already knows he's a couple of months late, and he will have to live with that. If he's got anything about him at all he will feel bad about that, and will be trying to put things right.

As Custy says, some people just can't cope with serious illness and don't know how to handle seeing the people they care about dying - it makes him a weak person, but it doesn't mean he didn't love his sister.

Rise above it - you have more dignity than to let this cause you more pain.

I am so sorry for your loss.

SOrry for your loss, but it is possible that your uncle is someone who has a phobia about terminal illness: phobics really can't deal with the phobic trigger. It doesn;t mean they don't care or are bad people.
You may actually find it helpful afterwards to let him attend and remember that you behaved with generosity and dignity on a very sad day for all your family.

So terribly sorry for your loss ... concentrate on your happy memories of your dear mother , dont let anyone elses actions get in the way of your own grieving ...
Understand how you feel - YANBU but let that go and look after yourself , your uncle has his own conscience to deal with ....

Take care x

Very sorry for your loss, Geekgirl. But please let him come to the interment. He obviously can't cope with terminal illness, but he was her brother. My family always has a massive row at funerals which end up with people never speaking to others again. I've seen really disgraceful behaviour at the graveyard, and it would have been so much better if people could just bite their tongues and rise above it.

My great aunt's funeral is tomorrow (I'm not going) and I've already had my mother shrieking down the phone that it's a Catholic funeral and how dare the daughter in law, Auntie wasn't a Catholic and if it's in a Catholic church, well Eric won't go in because he comes over all funny in a Catholic church. I can just see it all going pear shaped and wish my mother (who is not remotely religious but vehemently anti Catholic) would just rise above it, and Eric should either stay away or get over his phobia.

I think what I am trying to say is that I agree with MadameZ - you may feel angry but dignity and graciousness is by far the better way.

I feel a bit better about him coming now in terms of retaining the moral high ground. But it's so hard because it was meant to be a very small and private interment. He really shouldn't be there IYKWIM but then again he is indeed her brother.
The arguments about him possibly having a phobia make me really - we went through hell last year. My poor, poor mother suffered so much and we all suffered with her. Ovarian cancer kills in a horrendous way but we didn't have a choice and just got through it as best and hopefully as supportive as we all could.
I think he is totally pathetic for not even managing to pick up the phone. FFS, get drunk, take beta blockers, have counselling. Whatever.
Anyway, he has always been a grade A tosser when the going gets tough in any way, so I think it's just the usual general wankiness. He didn't let his wife who died from cancer go to the doctor's because she didn't have health insurance (and she couldn't go on her own, being from abroad and totally dependent on him).

Message withdrawn

Your uncle's treatment of his wife sounds awful - criminal in fact. I can see why you hate him and don't want him near you at this ceremony. I am sorry if my last message was one of those that upset you.

As you feel so much antipathy about him, can you talk to one of your other relatives who will be attending the ceremony - tell them how you feel, and ask them to fend off your uncle if he tries to talk to you on the day.

I agree with everyone else - you are utterly reasonable to feel the way you do, but right in your decision to act the way you are.

(My father is terrible about death and illness. Tried to weasel out of the funeral of a family friend who had been amazingly kind and supportive to him, on the pretext he 'had to teach' (this was about 15 years ago now). I told my mum if he didn't go, I wouldn't go to his.)