to think I can't call the police 5 times a day?

[FeckingOvaries]

My female neighbour is being severely abused in the form of verbal abuse by her partner. Sometimes they go got days without shouting. Some days he screams at her so loud that my son can hear it. He's only three. I've called the police twice on one day on occasions. Don't know what else I can do. Sometimes he's screaming about how he's going to kill her up to five-ten times a day for days on end. She sounds terrified. I live alone with my toddler. I can't move house as this is secure and the housing prices around here are preventing me being able to move from where I am. At what point do I stop calling the police? Am I morally expected to phone every time he's screaming? Even if it is numerous times a day for 2 weeks straight? What am I meant to do here?

[HappiestHippo123]

crimestoppers-uk.org/keeping-safe/personal-safety/domestic-abuse

[Peppapigforlife]

If it's council then report to your council housing department. In the contracts it says DV is not allowed.

[AlternativePerspective]

I can’t believe the amount of guilt tripping on here.

Seriously, not doing anything makes OP complicit? How would she feel if the neighbour ends up dead?

The OP has called, and the woman denies it every time. Sadly women who are being abused are their own worst enemy sometimes, because they refuse to leave, and no amount of calling the police can change that.

Now it’s the OP and her child being affected, and they are important too and have the power to do something about it.

There’s only so much OP can do, as hard as it is, and OP has already said she can’t call the police several times a day, and she’s not wrong.

[eeek88]

@IsMaeOnTheAsmae

FeckingOvaries

Please keep recording. When I finally had the courage to go to the police about my abusive ex the logs from the neighbours helped so so so much in court.

When I left I ended up in temporary accomidation on a rough estate and the woman next door to me was getting abused. I rang the police everytime.

It's awful to listen to and it keeps your children up, I know both sides and know how frustrating it can be for the listener. But please keep reporting, you could be really helping her in the future if somthing ever happens and she decides to press charges

This ^

She’s obviously not ready to leave him and press charges right now, but it’s likely that one day she will. Or worst case scenario he does her serious damage before she manages to do so. Either way the evidence you’re collecting now and all the calls you’re making to the police will be much more likely to get him convicted than any retrospective ‘her word against his’.

I can see that ringing 10 times a day is not feasible though. So discuss with police what is the most useful and reasonable thing you can do by way of compromise. Is it ringing when it starts, and then keeping a brief log to record what happens for the rest of the day in the form of a simple tally chart? Eg write down the time every time you hear him shouting or threatening to kill her or every time she screams in fear.

Or would it be more useful to give them a sample week where you do make a detailed log of every single incident, and then contact them weekly just to let them know nothing has really changed?

Or if you can’t face any of the above (which does sound like a lot of work I admit), write an email or letter to the police in which you describe the general pattern and explain that you are no longer able to keep reporting every little thing, for your own safety, so you will let them know if anything changes - for the better or for the worse.

Sorry you - and she - are in this situation. Sounds awful.

[GreetingsAndSalutations]

Phone the police every time you hear it happening. For your sake as much as your neighbour’s.

And I agree with you OP- it’s not as simple as just moving house, not when you’ve waited ages to live somewhere you want to live and it’s a secure tenancy.

[saleorbouy]

Most councils have a department that deals with noisy neighbours and noise abatement. Could you use this and say your neighbours are being noisy and arguing and this is affecting your home life and mental health.
I know someone who had similar issues and the council installed a sound recorder and took readings over a month. This at least might provide a record of the noise and if excessive the council will need to intervene and may contact Social Services.

[toppkatz]

@Northernparent68

If she won’t cooperate the police can’t do anything

One would hope that the police will realise that she isn't co-operating with them because she is absolutely terrified of her abuser.

[Suzanne999]

Definitely pass your concerns on to someone in authority the police, SS , your health visitor maybe. You sound very distressed by this and it’s not good for you, your child or your female neighbour.
Don’t underplay it, say how aggressive the shouting is, what the threats are and the effect it’s having on you.

[DearlyBeloathed]

@Poochnewbie1

I can’t believe some of the advice on here! Disengage? Step back? Just move house?

We’re talking about an actual human woman being horrifically abused!!! If you remain silent knowing this is happening I would say this makes you complicit.
OP how would your mental health be affected if you stopped calling and then one day found out she was dead? I’m not saying that in a guilting you kind of way, but genuinely. I am guessing that it would have a huge impact on you if that happened.
I’m glad you’ve decided to keep calling.
I hate the blanket statement that we are not responsible for other adults and I can see situations where this can be applied but this is a vulnerable lady in need of help and honestly, I think society would be a lot better in general if we all took a bit of responsibility and care about the situations of others. It’s possible to do this as well as looking after your own welfare and boundaries.

You absolutely are trying to guilt her.

OP has done, and is doing, more than many people would. It's only fair that she doesn't want it to consume her entire life.

[THEDEACON]

@myyellowcar if everyone thought like you there would be an even higher rate of death due to domestic violence

[LadyPropane]

If you remain silent knowing this is happening I would say this makes you complicit.

But she hasn't remained silent? She's called the police many, many times. You are trying to guilt her. The blame here lies with the disgusting piece of shit who is abusing his partner, not the neighbour who only called the police 10 times instead of 20.

[giveyou2reasons]

None of this is OP's responsibility. She's called the police repeatedly. At that point, her duty is done. Keep calling if you think it might make a difference to your own welfare and that of your child, but you are absolutely NOT responsible for whatever's happening next door. She's done her best. She's doing all she knows to do. Like it or not, the woman in that abusive relationship does need to reach out and accept the help offered when the police come by. OP can't make that woman save her own life and she shouldn't feel guilty for whatever might happen. It's none of her doing. Not at all.

[Keptmanskeeper]

OP, I don’t have anything to add except that you sound like a lovely, caring person and your son is lucky to have you as a role model.
Do what you can and even if you can’t help your neighbour, you will have shown your son what it means to be a good human being.

[Sirzy]

I don’t think people are being fair putting responsibility for whatever outcome onto the shoulders of the OP. She has tried to report things, she has tried to help but there is only so much anyone can do.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

[quote Poochnewbie1]@Kshhuxnxk if you read my post correctly I’m not putting it on OP but the people who say they would do nothing. I said I was glad the OP had decided to keep calling.
And not speaking up when you see something happening IS making you complicit. You can’t just stand by and shrug at awful things happening and say ‘well there’s nothing I can do about it’. What a flippin horrid world we live in if that’s what people think. Do you think people should just stand by and do nothing about school bullies? Stand up and say nothing when they hear racial abuse? Say nothing when people with disabilities are discriminated against? As members of a society we DO have responsibilities.[/quote]
Of course society should not stand back and look idly by, which has happened in some instances, such as a case I remember reading about where a man was beating a woman and instead of helping, onlookers were filming.

There is a certain point, however, where people need to put their oxygen mask on first. You absolutely are saying op is guilty if she does nothing from this point on. She has already done a lot and she needs to take care of herself and her child and not put them in harms way. It is really sad the woman cannot help herself. Op cannot do it all for her.

[shedevill]

That sounds awful for her and you. I would make recordings on any device that you can and pass them to the police once you have something really substantial

[TerraNovaTwo]

As PP have suggested try record it on audio. Call the police every time you hear it. Call social services to report concerns of a vulnerable adult. And if there are children report that too.

Her abuser is a threat to your and your child's safety too. The police and social care surely need to take that into account. Regardless whether or not the woman is not co-operating with the police, the man is a danger to society and there is a risk of homicide to her, and possibly to others. Atrocious!

[WorstXmasEver]

Maybe try the council as it's noise related or local councillors or an MP if the police won't do anything.

[Tilltheend99]

Have you considered inviting a friend or relatives round as a second witness. Maybe they can record some of the threats on their phone.

[NigellaAwesome]

OP, since calling the police isn't helping (although I would still ring them as much as you are able). I would suggest the following:

1. Contact the Housing provider and make a complaint
   

1. Contact the council noise monitoring team and ask them to install noise monitoring equipment in your home.
   

1. Speak to your health visitor about how frightening it is for your child.
   

1. Ask the police to consider issuing an ASBO. You will probably need to have evidence in the form of a recording. I second the suggestion to do this on an old phone of you have access to one as you don't want your phone to be seized in evidence.
   

1. Keep a diary, if even over the course of a single week to show the cumulative impact. This will help all of the relevant agencies to understand the scale of the problem, both for you and for the neighbour who is being abused.
   

1. Consider referring to Social Services. I don't recall if you said that they have kids?

[00100001]

@Bortles

I would move. Never mind the affordability. A smaller, less pleasant place to live, a different area even would surely be better for you both.

Oh yes, nevermind not having zero money to move, it will magically come from somewhere... Maybe you can fund OPs move Bortles...?

[Merryoldgoat]

What can actually be done in this situation?

I’m asking genuinely as I’d call the police continually but what on earth can you do if she won’t accept help?

The police response feels woefully inadequate.

This must be awful OP.

[Nocutenamesleft]

I couldn’t not call. Even if it meant daily.

If something happened to her or her children (if there are any). Then I couldn’t live with the guilt.

[ScabbyHorse]

You can also call the council noise complaint line when it occurs in antisocial hours.