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AIBU?

to think I can't call the police 5 times a day?

124 replies

FeckingOvaries · 27/01/2022 18:36

My female neighbour is being severely abused in the form of verbal abuse by her partner. Sometimes they go got days without shouting. Some days he screams at her so loud that my son can hear it. He's only three. I've called the police twice on one day on occasions. Don't know what else I can do. Sometimes he's screaming about how he's going to kill her up to five-ten times a day for days on end. She sounds terrified. I live alone with my toddler. I can't move house as this is secure and the housing prices around here are preventing me being able to move from where I am. At what point do I stop calling the police? Am I morally expected to phone every time he's screaming? Even if it is numerous times a day for 2 weeks straight? What am I meant to do here?

OP posts:

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Mummadeze · 29/01/2022 20:43

Such a sad situation. I feel so sorry for her, and for you having to hear that vile man threatening her all the time. I think I would keep calling when it sounds like it is or has escalated. You probably won’t be able to sit there and do nothing if it sounds really bad. Am so sorry this is happening to all of you.

Redglitter · 29/01/2022 20:33

Terrible thing though that the police and courts don't do more (not true that they need her to prosecute him) ....or is it that DV is so bloody normal

Its not that they don't. In a case like this they cant. They can absolutely prosecute without her but they need evidence that something has happened and at the moment they have nothing. If the woman won't admit somethings going on they can't prosecute just on the say so of the OP.

Kinneddar · 29/01/2022 20:30

@Nailsbythesea

I'd report it to the local MP. Escalate and make a formal complaint to te police that this woman will be killed. Record everything -when he starts. Mobile phone record -send to the police direct and the MP.

What on earth do you think an MP will be able to do. The problem isn't that the police aren't coming out its that when they do nothing is happening and the neighbour denies anything happened. What do you think an MP can achieve that the police can't. And making a formal complaint to the police isn't going to achieve anything either

testerwiki · 29/01/2022 06:55

Have you spoken to other neighbours? They must hear it too. Who's walking past her house when it kicks off? Chat with the ones who look appalled. Make a plan to call each other when it starts up again. I agree though don't stop calling.

Terrible thing though that the police and courts don't do more (not true that they need her to prosecute him) ....or is it that DV is so bloody normal?!

Nailsbythesea · 29/01/2022 06:19

I'd report it to the local MP. Escalate and make a formal complaint to te police that this woman will be killed. Record everything -when he starts. Mobile phone record -send to the police direct and the MP.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/01/2022 23:09

I'd speak to the police and see what they say

TerribleZebra · 27/01/2022 23:06

Poor you OP. This sounds really draining. We had a similar issue with a neighbour (not DV but antisocial behaviour) . I had a big A4 diary which I just used to jot down when stuff happened. The police gave me a reference number I had to quote when calling the non - emergency number so they knew the history of what was going on when I had to call on the occasions it was particularly bad. I then used the diary to update them on what had happened previously, but it meant I didn't have to call all the time. It made me feel like I was doing something without it completely taking over my life. I did have to do it for 2 years though!

JeffThePilot · 27/01/2022 22:55

Are there children in the house? If so, I’d also call social services.

tiffanyheart · 27/01/2022 22:45

@BoodleBug51

But the OP isn't personally responsible for this woman.

She's responsible for herself, her child and has to live next to this madman who could just as easily turn on her.

I agree with @BoodleBug51. It's all very well everyone saying 'call every time you hear something' but in reality, that's just not possible and why should the OP have to. I have every sympathy (and I also volunteer for a DV charity) but a lot of the advice being offered is just not practical, even though it's well meaning.

BlueFlavour · 27/01/2022 22:20

I would call Womens Aid to talk through your feelings about this. Call the police as often as you feel you can. You are doing the right thing.

Summerfun54321 · 27/01/2022 22:05

How awful for you. I would call women’s aid, I can’t imagine the stress listening to that every day would cause

VelvetChairGirl · 27/01/2022 21:57

i think you call everytime at least for awhile so the police can log a pattern, and record it.

ChargingBuck · 27/01/2022 21:55

@FeckingOvaries

Basically I need to call the police every morning then, which I can do. Its draining but I can and will do it. I. Just so tired and triggered.

Then you are an absolute feckin' star, especially given your specific trigger. Good on you, Ovaries.

A call to Women's Aid - which you can do if you want to, & at your own pace rather than reactively - might also help.
Not least of which would be you having someone compassionate & informed to speak to about managing your feelings as they echo to what you are hearing.
YOU need support too.
And WA will give you more specific advice than most of us here can. There may be other ways you can get the police to respond ... even if you don't get the result you want immediately, you deserve support for yourself while you are having to endure living with it.

Kitkat151 · 27/01/2022 21:52

[quote Poochnewbie1]@Kshhuxnxk if you read my post correctly I’m not putting it on OP but the people who say they would do nothing. I said I was glad the OP had decided to keep calling.
And not speaking up when you see something happening IS making you complicit. You can’t just stand by and shrug at awful things happening and say ‘well there’s nothing I can do about it’. What a flippin horrid world we live in if that’s what people think. Do you think people should just stand by and do nothing about school bullies? Stand up and say nothing when they hear racial abuse? Say nothing when people with disabilities are discriminated against? As members of a society we DO have responsibilities.[/quote]
You are wrong....OPs responsibility is towards her child....she has done her bit.....she has called the police ( and more than once) ..... she can’t save the world....and you can’t save people who are not yet ready to be saved

NigellaAwesome · 27/01/2022 21:28

Someone said that for council noise team to get involved it needs to be during antisocial hours. This is incorrect. That applies for some noise that is considered acceptable during the day, for example diy work, or music in the garden, but screaming and making threats to kill is unacceptable at any time.

VelvetChairGirl · 27/01/2022 21:27

I would keep calling.

there needs to be a service where they are taken away for a couple of months to give the victim breathing room, its brainwashing and it takes time away from the abuser to ware off.

SquirrelG · 27/01/2022 21:25

There is a certain point, however, where people need to put their oxygen mask on first. You absolutely are saying op is guilty if she does nothing from this point on. She has already done a lot and she needs to take care of herself and her child and not put them in harms way. It is really sad the woman cannot help herself. Op cannot do it all for her.

This. The OP has tried to help, but it is not her responsibility to solve this problem. How dare some of you try to guilt trip her and make it her responsibilty if something bad should happen. There is only so much an outsider can do, and the OP shouldn't have to have her entire life consumed by this.

aquietlifeplease · 27/01/2022 21:23

No real advice other than to say if you want to record it on your phone you might need a recording app, my council advised me to download one as phones often filter out what the consider background noise which is what noise from next will be recognised as!

CircleofWillis · 27/01/2022 21:22

@Hotchox

Dunno if this has been suggested, but call the police round to your house, (plain clothes perhaps?) and have one of the coppers sit with you and listen to it? The cop might have better recording equipment, and be able to gather enough evidence that they can press charges even if the woman next door won't?

Great idea! I wonder if the would actually do this.

WhoWants2Know · 27/01/2022 21:21

Beyond what the police can do, Environmental Health have the ability to intervene where the noise is disturbing you. That's where keeping a log comes in handy. I know it's a struggle to keep up with it, and it isn't easy. But doing it is the difference between it stopping or carrying on forever.

Hotchox · 27/01/2022 21:15

Dunno if this has been suggested, but call the police round to your house, (plain clothes perhaps?) and have one of the coppers sit with you and listen to it? The cop might have better recording equipment, and be able to gather enough evidence that they can press charges even if the woman next door won't?

Unsure33 · 27/01/2022 21:08

If your phone won’t record can you not buy a cheap dictaphone ? Then at least they can’t deny everything

oakleaffy · 27/01/2022 21:05

Escape not ex cape
Walking home in dark..

oakleaffy · 27/01/2022 21:05

@FeckingOvaries
I really sympathise.

Twice I’ve tried to help friends ex cape violent partners, but while the woman is in the thrall of the man, she won’t leave.
Even covered in blood with metal staples in the head she won’t leave.

A friend had a couple like this in the flat above- it made her ill.

Don’t know what to suggest if the woman is still enmeshed in a deeply unhealthy violent relationship.

ScabbyHorse · 27/01/2022 21:00

You can also call the council noise complaint line when it occurs in antisocial hours.

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