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AIBU?

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Original poster

with my dh regarding co-sleeping

49 replies

monbon · 28/12/2007 18:57

Help please, need some reassurance regarding co-sleeping situation.
Have been co-sleeping with dd for the past 6 months. Partly because she still wakes up a lot in the night and I am exhausted! and also because I love it!
While I was pregnant I read all about attachment parenting and asked my dh to read the book also but he refused saying that he would be behind whatever I thought was best.
Recently he has been putting pressure on me to put our dd in her own cot, so reluctantly I have tried putting her in it when she initially goes down but once she wakes up I take her back into bed. Anyway, this has been going on for a week or so and tonight, dh dismantled the cot and put it in her room - while I was trying to get dd to sleep which really annoyed me!! The thought of putting her to sleep in her own room makes me feel sick I don't really know what to do because nobody I know co-sleeps with their baby and I dare not admit to dh's family this is the sleeping arrangement as MIL would think I was insane. I just feel like a complete failure

OP posts:
evenhope · 28/12/2007 18:59

I'm still co-sleeping with my 9 mo. My DH sleeps on the settee

WanderingHolly · 28/12/2007 19:07

He shouldn't have dismantled the cot without your agreement.

It was also pretty dumb, as you are far less likely to put her in it, if it's in another room.

If you want to move her into her cot, slowly slowly is the best idea, imo. In other words, what you were doing.

As a compromise, can you put her cot right against your side of the bed, with the side down/off, so you can reach over to her in the night, without actually having her in the bed?

I do understand if you want to continue co-sleeping. I think if you put a small baby who wakes often in another room, you must enjoy being knackered.

Why on Earth do you feel like a failure? Sounds to me like you want to meet your baby's needs asap, what's wrong with that?

constancereader · 28/12/2007 19:09

agree with WanderingHolly

Magrat · 28/12/2007 19:09

make him read "Three in a Bed"

Anna8888 · 28/12/2007 19:09

Buy yourselves a bigger bed and keep your daughter with you.

My daughter is 3 and she loves sleeping with us still.

fryalot · 28/12/2007 19:11

I also agree with WT.

We have a three year old who doesn't sleep so she co-sleeps with us. Sometimes, we manage to get her settled in her own bed, and when this happens, most of the time either me or dp will get in with her (but you can't do this as your dd is tiny and still has a cot!)

Imo, he is being unreasonable, and you should ignore him and do what feels right to you.

And if that means that he has to sleep on the settee because you have dd in your bed - well, it was his own fault, wasn;t it

WanderingHolly · 28/12/2007 19:12

Put him in the cot. He is acting rather childishly.

BabiesEverywhere · 28/12/2007 19:23

We also sidecar'd the cot to our bed, with the side off. DD would start the night in the cot, which gave me and DH cuddle adult when we went to bed.

When DD woke up I would roll her to my side of the bed, to nurse and cuddle her back to sleep....aww I so miss her night cuddles.

She is now in her own room (15 months old)and whilst it means we all sleep better, I miss sleeping with my face buried in her hair. Babies smell so good.

One suggestion could be to tell DH, he has to do all the night wakenings. i.e. Fetch the baby from the other room to your room for you to nurse her and he need to take her back to the other room and resettle her. I doubt he will agree to it and even if he did agree, one night of actually doing it, will have him bringing the cot straight back to your room.

Good luck

BTW my DH was a bit off on the attatchment parenting things when our DD was a newborn and now he bothers his mum-to-be co-worker (good friend) about which sling/cloth nappies she should buy and how she needs a potty from day one Don't think he understands that AP is every family doing what suits your family not pushing things on others but he means well and he certainly has got more open minded (still working on the extended breastfeeding bit though)

Swedes2Turnips1 · 28/12/2007 19:24

I think you will all sleep better if your child sleeps in her cot. We have a superking sized bed and on the odd occasion that one of our children has been in with us we all sleep really badly. It interests me that most of the co-sleepers are bad sleepers. Might there be a connection?

BabiesEverywhere · 28/12/2007 19:27

cuddle adult time

fryalot · 28/12/2007 19:29

Swedes - I have three children, and have co-slept with them all.

One of them is a bad sleeper, the other two are fine. the one who is a bad sleeper still co-sleeps with us but this is absolutely nothing to do with co-sleeping. If it was, then we would regularly be trying to fit five of us in the bed.

You are right, a lot more sleep would be had if dd was in her own bed, but not if that involved getting up several times during the night to settle her (and yes, I have tried this and would absolutely not recommend it)

Original poster
monbon · 28/12/2007 19:30

lol WanderingHolly, that's a good idea

OP posts:
claraenglish · 28/12/2007 19:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
monbon · 28/12/2007 19:37

babieseverywhere, thanks for the suggestion - have a feeling he will not agree as he sleeps in another room (his decision) so he can get an uninterrupted nights sleep!!

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 28/12/2007 19:38

I do think your dh behaved outrageously in just dismantling the cot while you were doing bedtime , but he obviously dislikes the arrangement as it is. I think tbh you need to have another talk about sleeping and nighttime. The feeding parent definitely has final say IMO, but maybe he needs to feel a bit more heard in this situation?

I feel very tentative typing this but just wondered.

Also just wondered, is there a sexual issue or lack of sex issue for him? Not saying you should be swinging from the rafters at this stage, but just wondered if this is really where the crux of the matter is for him?

hellish · 28/12/2007 19:42

IMPE sex is always the problem

inthegutter · 28/12/2007 19:46

Your DH shouldn't have dismantled the cot and moved it without discussing it with you, but equally, neither should you blindly persist in co-sleeping if it's not working for him. There are 3 of you to consider: mum, dad and baby. There is no definite 'right' or 'wrong' way of parenting, and with something as important as sleeping arrangements, you need to come to some kind of compromise. Sit down and discuss why you think co-sleeping is important, and let DH explain why he wants your dd in her cot. Maybe he feels that she'll sleep better and you'll be less exhausted. (You mention she's not a good sleeper). You say that you love co-sleeping, but maybe your baby doesn't? I know two of my babies definitely slept better in their own cot.

fryalot · 28/12/2007 19:47

oh inthegutter, that post was so....

so....

reasonable

Original poster
monbon · 28/12/2007 19:48

choosyfloosy, see what you are saying, I do try and talk to him but he'll always tell me to do whatever I think is best - mainly because I think he can't be bothered to get into a discussion
actually last night he said he was waiting for me to go into his bed when dd was asleep for sex, but I fell asleep because I was so tired. Maybe that's why he is acting like a git.

OP posts:
inthegutter · 28/12/2007 19:50

Thankees Squonk - Reasonable is my middle name [fsmile}

inthegutter · 28/12/2007 19:50

oh bugga

revgreen · 28/12/2007 19:50

I don't think co sleeping can work unless both adults want to do it. Forcing someone out of their bed can lead to resentment which can damage your relationship, which will not do your dd any favours. Taking the cot down while you are trying to get her to sleep is taking things to far imo but he obviously feels strongly about it. Perhaps a good comprimise would be to put her in her own cot but dh has to bring her to you for night feeds and put her back to sleep again. Personally I don't get a wink of sleep if I have a child in my bed but dh is fine with it. I'm not sure why you feel like a failure, I hate having my dcs in my bed and I don't feel like a failure. Don't worry about your MIL, there will be someone who thinks that you are insane no matter what you do.

JingleyJen · 28/12/2007 19:52

i don't think it is unreasonable for you to be annoyed - but - a child sleeping in their own cot is not bad for the child - he is not suggesting anything evil or verging on abuse.

Parenting is hard enough when you both agree, A middle ground is there if you both want it to be. Neither of your approaches is wrong.

I agree with choosyfloosy though that after conversation and discussion yours should be the final say - but please listen to his concerns.

Good luck - this is a hard time for you both!

Swedes2Turnips1 · 28/12/2007 19:56

Just interested, is the co-sleeping for the benefit of the child or for the benefit of the mother and/or father?

inthegutter · 28/12/2007 20:02

Exactly Swedes. We often get so hung up about aspects of parenting - co-sleeping/feeding/working/staying at home etc. The starting point for any discussion should be 'What is best for THE FAMILY' - ie mum, dad, and ALL the children concerned. Once any member of the family - mum, dad or child - begin to be put before anyone else, then you're storing up future problems.