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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell SIL she can't bring whole of DH's family inc. somebody I've never met round to meet 6 day old DS?

50 replies

toomanyshoes · 28/12/2007 16:37

Gave birth to DS 6 days ago (baby number 2) and told both families that they were welcome to visit in hospital but only 2 at a time. My parents came but DH's sisters, brother and mum were all too busy with Xmas so said they'd come after xmas to see us at home.
MIL came last night after DH went to collect her (she lives 20 mins away) and paid for a cab home. She didn't ask how I was, how birth was etc. She also told me DS has a big nose! he is obviously perfect so this is not true!
Today SIL phoned to say she was coming over and bringing her husband and 2 kids plus my other SIL and a cousin from overseas who DH and I have never met. She also said this cousin is in the early stages of pregnancy and has had a bleed this morning so she thinks she is miscarrying. SIL is taking her to EPU then planning to come directly from there to our house!
I think this is hugely insensitive to the cousin, I would not want to visit a strangers newborn in these circumstances. Also, I am breast feeding constantly and don't want hordes of people round here when I have my engorged norks out! I told DH to say no and that SIl, her husband and kids could come today but other sister in law had to come another day. i also said I didn't want anybody I don't know here at the mo. DH has agreed and told her but she is v pissed off and so far has not turned up at all.
Do you think i am being unreasonable? Tell the truth, I can take it...

OP posts:

denbury · 28/12/2007 18:31

congratulations on birth
YANBU does sil have kids?

SofiaAmes · 28/12/2007 18:37

yanbu

and congratulations on producing the first "am I being unreasonable thread" that I have seen where everyone agrees that you are not being unreasonable!!!!

Original poster

toomanyshoes · 28/12/2007 21:32

Blimey, didn't think I'd get a unanimous YANBU! Great, feel much better about it now so thank you! She didn't turn up at all so is obviously fuming at home. Better than having her fuming here eh?
Denbury, yes she does have kids. She seems to have forgotten what it's like when they are first born though. Oh well, sure she'll be round soon enough to give me her pearls of wisdom on parenting

OP posts:

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 28/12/2007 21:50

she didn't turn up - result

beeper · 29/12/2007 10:48

They would just BREATHE germs all over your baby. NO NO NO....!

On a more personal note I believe that when I had my son the influx of visitors did not help my pnd

Triggles · 29/12/2007 12:38

I'm still just surprised that she would think for an instant that a woman who could possibly be in the midst of a miscarriage would want to be anywhere NEAR a baby at that point! Having had two miscarriages, I can tell you the LAST thing I would have wanted during or immediately after was to visit someone with a newborn baby! Much too heartbreaking! I would have been an emotional mess! Seems a bit cruel. And it would have made everyone else uncomfortable as well.

octavia · 29/12/2007 14:30

congratulations hope all is well .
I gave birth 9 days ago and I banned all visitors except my mum,selfish probably ,but from past exerpierance I couldn't go through the critisim from Dh's family.Dh is fine with this(at last he has seen them in a new light) best christmas ever.

mumeeee · 29/12/2007 18:26

Congratulations and YANBU.

expectingababy · 29/12/2007 18:33

You see this is why when I give birth later on this year, I'm not telling anyone 'til baby is at least a fortnight old.
Last time my sister turned up the day we arrived back from hospital, stayed the night and didn't lift a finger to help, just complained baby was disturbing her sleep! Then MIL and BIL and SIL turned up and despite me having had an emergency c-section complained that I made them sandwiches for lunch rather than a proper meal.
No, not a fortnight, make that a month.
YANBU by the way.

onepieceoflollipop · 29/12/2007 21:09

YANBU - congratulations btw.

Have read this thread with great interest

btw good for your Octavia.

dd2 was born in August. Both sets of parents saw her the next day. Mil kept messing us about as her hair appt was changed (!) and she got sniffy when my mum ended up seeing dd first.

Ils then visited several times that week - fair enough. Turned up one day unannounced to deliver a very important card! They said on the doorstep that they wouldn't come in, dh took them at their word. ( I was in a state of undress with boobs out in front room). Months later mil made it clear that she still hasn't forgiven or forgotton - that we didn't INSIST on inviting them in.

Original poster

toomanyshoes · 29/12/2007 21:41

Thanks for all the congrats, v nice as they have been a bit thin on the ground in RL! Still haven't heard anything from any of DH's family so presuming they are all cross. Decided that i really don't give a monkeys if they come of not. If they don't like the way I do things they can bugger off and stay away permanently. Tried very hard to acommodate them when DD was born and ended up feeling pissed off a lot of the time as a result. When DD was 5 months old SIl rang and said she had the day off the following week and would come and collect DD in the morning and drop her back in the evening. When I said that I wasn't happy about her going anywhere without me she said I'd have to get used to it if I was going back to work! i said I would happily do something with her and DD that day so we could all spend the day together but she declined, only wanted to see DD on her own.
Octavia - smart move. wish I'd thought of that before i gave birth!
Onepieceoflollipop - your Il's sound as barmy as mine. Do none of these women remember anything about having a newborn? Selective memory syndrome I think!
Expectingababy - maybe make it 2 months - just to be safe

OP posts:

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 30/12/2007 18:03

I just don't understand why people think it's their right to see you and the new baby at their convenience not yours! And women who have had children of their own seem to be the worst offenders - may I be preserved from such selfishness when and if my girls embark on parenthood!

onepieceoflollipop · 30/12/2007 20:49

toomanyshoes and NorthernLurker - I think that in the past our mils and other older relatives tended to put up with whatever their mils demanded. ime anyway!

So they get very pissed off put out when we say very nicely that we would like to do things differently.

Triggles · 30/12/2007 21:08

NorthernLurker - I agree - it's odd that the new mother's privacy and rest time isn't taken into consideration.

When DIL had her baby (our grandson), she and DS called us to let us know baby was born and we told them "let us know when you're ready for visitors - and if you need anything at all". We then waited, and a few days later, they called and said "ok, we're up to visitors now". And THEN we visited (and made sure WE made the coffee and SHE sat and rested). I will admit that I was 9 months pregnant at the time, so I wasn't exactly a LOT of help to her, but I did try to do things she needed done (other household stuff that she asked for assistance on) so that she could spend more time with the baby.

I just don't understand people converging on the new family and exhausting them right away when they come home. Sure, we were looking forward to seeing the baby - but no harm in waiting a few days (or longer if they need it) and letting them settle in.

onepieceoflollipop · 30/12/2007 21:15

Triggles, there is a vacancy here for a replacement mil !

If I get rid of mine on freecycle would you come and be my mil too?

Triggles · 30/12/2007 21:36

Onepiece I sometimes find it very hard to be a MIL actually. DIL and I have babies 2 weeks apart in age (I had DS2 at age 40), so luckily we have very young children in common - which not many DIL/MIL's have in common I suppose. But I know there are things she does differently than me, which is fine - I don't criticise or say anything as I can plainly see her DS is happy and healthy and well cared for. She's a wonderful girl and DH & I think the world of her. Being ever mindful of the whole "overbearing MIL" thing, I'm careful not to accidentally tread on toes if possible.

Sorry to sidetrack the thread.

onepieceoflollipop · 30/12/2007 21:38

at Triggles.

WinkyWinkola · 30/12/2007 22:00

Wish you were my MIL, Triggles. You sound brilliant and considerate.

Original poster

toomanyshoes · 30/12/2007 22:36

hey, it's my AIBU thread so I should get first dibs on Triggle as a replacement MIL

They still haven't phoned or visited by the way - it's marvellously calm and quiet here. We're having a lovely time! DS just yummy.

OP posts:

Triggles · 31/12/2007 08:00

Toomany - glad you're able to relax and enjoy this time at home with your new DS. It's nice to be able to spend that time at home together and get your bearings, isn't it?

As far as being a MIL, I will say that MY MIL is absolutely stellar - always supportive, never judgemental or intruding - so I feel very lucky in that regard. She sets a lovely example that I try to follow.

laughaminute · 31/12/2007 08:15

My MIL told me to 'hurry up and open my presents' after birth of number 1-I wanted to go up to the toilet,stiches and all! and could just about walk.
I think they should all go get stuffed, take charge and control now while you can.Anything is acceptable when you have a new baby in terms of your response to others, it is natural to be protective-and well done you to even have the brain space to consider the other lady's feelings at this time.

laughaminute · 31/12/2007 08:16

Congratulations-by the way.I have all this to come again-I am currently 6 months pregnant and HATE EVERYONE around me-(Think it's hormones)

twentypence · 31/12/2007 08:39

In situations like this I always got dh to do the visit (with ds for a short while) and went and had a sleep. Everyone soon handed ds back when he started to cry and once he was whisked off to the bedroom for a feed they all got their coats and left.

Marvellous.

Triggles · 31/12/2007 11:29

I think you have to steel yourself to say "No, we're not quite ready yet for visitors, but we'll let you know when we are" and then stick to it. If they show up, don't invite them in - just repeat "As I said on the phone, we're not quite ready for visitors yet. We'll let you know when we are." Repetition is the key, I suppose. Say it enough times, sooner or later they'll figure it out. Or be too irritated to speak to you and it won't matter anyway, right?

alicet · 31/12/2007 14:49

Congrats on your ds!!!

And YANBU - glad to hear they have stayed away . I would ignore them and enjoy the peace and quiet while you can. Good on you for standing your ground!

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