I’ve disappointed my mother again

[TheDisappointment]

Back in September I mentioned to my mum that my DD (7) has pointed out she wanted to go to the pantomime and showed me the specific show she wanted to go to so I was booking tickets – DD has never been to the theatre before as it was cancelled last year and I didn’t have the money before 2020 as I wasn’t working.

Mum said she wanted to go too but couldn’t afford her own ticket so I offered to get it her as her Christmas present but if I did she’d only get a small present off me to open on Christmas day as the ticket cost is above my usual budget to spend on her (ticket was £31 I usually only spend max £25 on her at Christmas). She said this was fine.

For context I’m a single parent and have been since 2017, I work but get no CM so everything falls to me, I’m in a better position financially as I’ve worked hard to get a promotion. My mum doesn’t work, she claims she’s retired (she’s 55) but doesn’t have a private pension and won’t claim anything else because “she won’t be forced to work now she’s old” (this is not me judging here, it’s adding context). Because of that she never gets me a Christmas present, I’ve always been fine with it.

We went to the Panto last weekend and had a lovely time. I paid for everything, drove there, paid for parking, bought drinks and a programme each at the theatre. All in the trip cost me about £120, but I didn’t mind as it was a treat and only once a year – but it’s not something I’d choose as a present for her every year it was just something she said she wanted to do.

Today I’ve seen my mum. She’s said she’s really looking forward to opening all her presents from me, I reminded her that as I’d paid for us to go to the panto she would have one small present from under £10 in value and I had got DD to make each of her grandparents a Christmas Bauble so she’d get that too.

She looked me straight in the eye and said she didn’t remember that conversation and had assumed the panto was an extra and was DDs Christmas present (it was one of them) not hers. She said she’s disappointed that at a time when she’s struggling the most and I’m not I won’t treat her. I told her roughly how much the theatre trip cost me and she just said while still looking at me “Well you can afford it”.

She’s since text me that she’s disappointed in me, and considered not seeing me on Christmas Day but has decided for DDs sake she’ll see me. She says she knows I spend upwards of £200 on my DD (I have this year I admit, I’ve bought her something she’s been asking for for years but I’ve never been able to afford as it’s £70+ and the panto and a few smaller gifts too and then her main Santa gift but usually I limit DDs spends to £70-100 including Santa, not that it matters)

I only have DD until lunchtime on CD anyway so WIBU to take up her offer not to see us? It’s really upset me that I worked extra shifts to give my DD a nice experience and my mums tarnished it.

Call her bluff and don't have her round
You are doing really well compared to me, it took me many years to see how my mother manipulated me, and of course the way she raised me impacted my own parenting. Luckily my DDs were mid teens when the penny dropped and I was able to salvage the situation by thinking what would my mum do in this situation and then doing the opposite.

So you are doing just great - carry on with what you're doing. Nobody needs people like that in their lives, parents or not. You'll have a much better CD on your own rather than with her dripping disappointment and disapproval all around.

PS how does she get by if she's "retired" at 55 but with no income?

Pallisers
*god, OP, that is awful. just tell her it suits you better to not have her for xmas. Stop using her for any babysitting and stop contacting her - just go low contact - a few phone calls every now and then and nothing more. I can't believe she treated you like that!

And with the ex. Have you considered reporting his family business to the internal revenue for paying people under the counter tax free. because I would. Fucker wants access to his child but refuses to pay anything to rear her? and his family thinks this is just great? They deserve a revenue audit.
@Pallisers he earns nothing at all, he's down as a volunteer as is his sister. I have no idea how he manages to live but he doesn't live with his parents. When I went to CMS they couldn't find any earnings for him, at all, anywhere, no universal credit, no wages nothing. I have a letter that says

"(ExH) does not work or claim benefits and there for owes you £0 in Child Maintenance"

I suspect it's all legit and above board, but will try inland revenue*

So many questions about how this is possible. Not to you OP but how people get away with it. For instance, how did he afford to take you to court? How can he afford to pay rent/mortgage? I really don't understand how people get away with it? There should be much stronger rules against it so that men (it's usually men, let's face it) have to show how they manage to live if they're claiming no income for CM purposes.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

Agree - you need stronger boundaries with the people in your life.

Text to a Mum -

“Hi Mum, I’m really concerned that you don’t remember the conversation we had about the Panto tickets. If you did, it would have prevented all your expectations about a present, as I told you the Panto ticket would be in, with something small for the day itself. I say this with love, if you really don’t remember the conversation, I think you need to speak to your GP about this pretty soon. It could be the start of something serious, and I would hate for you to forget any other important conversations with me, or other people, and for you to fall out with them over mistaken memories.

In relation to Christmas, I’ve thought about what you’ve said, and you know, you’re right. I only have DD up to midday, and that time is so precious to me. Let’s skip seeing each other this Christmas and catch up in the New Year.

Finally, now you’ve raised the issue of presents, I guess it’s a good time to talk about them. I thought we could cut adult presents between you and me out from now on. I don’t want you to feel pressure to buy me something if you don’t have the money and I know you wouldn’t feel right getting gifts from me if you can’t give them in return. Best to take the pressure off and say none, ok?

Take care, see you in the New Year, and please, think about booking that GP appointment for your memory now.

Love TheDisappointment

Please send her this. She sounds really awful. Please make your time with your daughter on Christmas Day really special and don't let your mum interfere with that

Look after yourself.

And you're mum, as well! How do people around you somehow manage to live on fresh air!

Your mum is 5 years older than me, I'm disabled in pain - and I work... and look after my DCs including adult ones. Money goes to them not me, I'd be upset if they bought me presents out of their limited (pocket money or student) income.

Your mum has no excuse not to buy her only DGD nor DD a present. She has ALL YEAR to save up. . It's the one/two presents she should buy. Even a bar of chocolate is a present. A home made card. A home made present of cookies she baked. She has enough time! She's also had all year to save up 10p a week to buy a box of chocolates, some face packs , body sprays or a funny mug.

Your mum is deeply entitled and ungrateful
She had her present which was Panto tickets and with all expenses taken care of by you.

Give her a card and 4 Mars. bars (4 for a £1 in Asda) wrapped individually

Following her strop, I'd agree with others to take her up on offer, don't share your Xmas Day. The short text earlier on in thread was great. You can instead Enjoy your morning with DD. Then once DD left, op either visit a friend for rest of Xmas day or enjoy a peaceful one on your own

"She looked me straight in the eye and said she didn’t remember that conversation and had assumed the panto was an extra and was DDs Christmas present (it was one of them) not hers. She said she’s disappointed that at a time when she’s struggling the most and I’m not I won’t treat her."

If she wants to act like a child, I think you should treat her like a child. Tell your mother to stay in her room until she apologises for being so naughty!

I’ve disappointed my mother again

My mother’s behaviour has disappointed me

Fixed it for you. Your mum is horrible.

I’d tell her to go fuck herself and that she’s no longer welcome on Christmas Day the ungrateful cow.

By the way
OP your mum hasn't "retired" at 55 as she's not entitled to - nor in receipt of any private pension nor state pension... so She isn't retired

Some ppl can "retire early" as they've saved up private pension to do so, or in a job like police service or forces where occupational retirement age is younger- but that option isn't open to your mum nor the rest of us.

So Mum isn't retired - she's simply unemployed - and refusing to claim benefits as it means she would be required to actively look for a job.

Are you an only child? 55 is no age at all to give up work. She honestly sounds selfish, self absorbed and lazy... the sad thing is most people know someone like this. They constantly justify their own silly decisions to others and stalk off if they are questioned. That and wanting to talk about it for literally hours and hours. They are so tiresome and I try and avoid them sucking you down to their level.

Look at the numbers op. 1381 votes right now and not one thinks YABU. That's incredible rare.

Have your Christmas, your way. And maybe continue to do so...

Invisible is correct. Choosing not to work is not the same as retiring but do expect some sort of reason for this, suffering from nerves, has pains somewhere but no Doctor can find it etc. All sounds like a relative I know...

This just sounds awful @TheDisappointment
Very narcissistic behaviour on your mums part. It's non of her business what you buy your DD. You've worked hard for that money and want to treat her to something she's wanted for years.
The fact that your mum wants lots of presents but doesn't buy you anything just made me sad to read that. And then to threaten not to see you on Xmas day. Bloody awful. Emotionally abusive and you deserve better than to be treated that way.

god that’s mercenary. Your mum should be ashamed.

Please change your user name and stop thinking of yourself in those terms.

Definitely her and not you. My friend had a mum like this and had multiple similar experiences. She won’t change. All you can do is distance yourself to minimise the hurt she causes you.

Do you have others you can spend Christmas Day with @TheDisappointment ?

I am dying to ask. How does your DM and your ex live with no income? Especially your Mum? I suspect your ex is either dealing in cash or his family are ‘giving’ him money to keep him under the radar for child maintenance purposes.

Oh god! My kids have started their first jobs after uni and now have some money. All I’ve asked for Christmas is a book, max 12 quid. IMO, they need the money to save. I can’t believe she wouldn’t make someone biscuits or jam or something-how does she live if she doesn’t have an income? I’d tell her that it’s for the best you don’t see each other at Christmas as your time with your dd is precious and you don’t want an atmosphere. Then give thanks you won’t have her sulking at you on Christmas Day.

1,368 people have voted, and NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON thinks you would be unreasonable. That's very unusual for Mumsnet!

"She looked me straight in the eye and said she didn’t remember that conversation"
I'd be 'sympathetically' suggesting she makes an appointment with her GP, memory issues at 55 could be heralding the onset of dementia.

"She’s since text me that she’s disappointed in me, and considered not seeing me on Christmas Day but has decided for DDs sake she’ll see me."
Manipulative bullshit. Call her bluff.Take it completely out of her hands and tell her she's not welcome, pulling a stunt like that. In fact, I think I would totally kitchen-sink it and pull her up on everything, including pleading poverty all the time while being too lazy/entitled/fuckwitted to work. I would be positively fishing for her to slam the phone down on me.

[quote TheDisappointment]@MattHancocksSexTape don't get me started, ExH works but in his dads business so on paper earns nothing. But he took me to court and got every other weekend and Christmas Day afternoon until boxing day teatime contact.[/quote]
Report that to the taxman. You don't get anything anyway, not going to affect you. Plus funny to watch them struggle to come up for a reason for it.

Call her bluff now. Tell her ''ah well, shame you feel that way. Catch up in the new year''.

Deal with it now. I am closer to your mother's age at 51, but like you, a working single parent (to two teens) and I'm still dealing with my mother's manipulations and my family's gaslighting. There is one perspective, hers. Any other perspective is an aggression perpetrated against her and she goes in to victim mode if you see things differently.

Deal with it now before she really is old. My mother has used the old card too which makes me wish I'd tackled what I knew to be true years ago.

Well done on putting yourself into a position where you can afford to take your DD to a panto. Dh and I both work full time (term time wages) and haven't been able to do this ever so I know how much you have budgeted and saved to do that.

I am not your mother but if I was I would be extremely proud of my DD for how hard you have worked especially without any help from your DDs dad.

I know its difficult but its time to stop allowing her to treat you like this. She's an adult and health permitting has no reason not to work. I work in a very physical job with children with ASN and have colleagues in their 60s! I am never usually judgemental about people who are unemployed (there can be so many hidden reasons etc) but she needs to get up off her arse and get a bloody job! She should be spoiling you and her dgd not the other way about!!

Fucking hell....l would rather my dd didn't buy me anything at all if she was struggling. How grabby is your mum??
That is shocking.

Sorry to read this, your mother doesn't sound like a nice person. Why on earth is she expecting presents from you? A parents love should be unconditional!!
Tell her t spend CD alone and you have a lovey time with your daughter.
Hugs xxx