To think that Christmas would be a whole lot better without families sometimes.

[lucyellensmum]

OK so i don't actually mean that, after all, isnt that what xmas is supposed to be about.

This has been the worst two years of my life, and i am fairly optomistic that we can make a fresh start. no details needed as not relevant and ive whined enough elsewhere

But today, my mother phoned me and told me that she wont come to us christmas day if i have my 17 year old DD here. My DD is a right royal bugger and actually lives with her boyfriends parents just now. Saying that, she is a where ever i lay my hat type of girl. Our relationship has been difficult but i have had to dig deep and give her the freedom she clearly yearns for. Because of this our relationship is improving and we are, albeit slowly, becoming friends again.

To be fair, my DD is a stereotypical rebellious teen, with attitude to match - catherine tate modelled her teen on her im sure of it.

So, she does have a bad attitude towards my mum, and my mum has been extremely good to DD in the past, well even now. But my mum cannot really accept the situation with her BF (who i think is the best thing since sliced bread as he has really calmed DD down and clearly adores her and AND he is not a card carrying yobo chav like some her other rejects).

My mum rang me and accused DD of fiddling with her TV and stealing her phone book (before you ask, no, my mother is not losing it, she has ALWAYS been difficult). She accused DD of being sly, selfish and a bitch and yes, she is all of those things and more, but she is a teenager who has also had a rough couple of years AND she is my daughter and i love her. So now my mum is saying "fuck Christmas, i dont want to know and im not buying that bitch anything" - fucking great, every year its the same, theres me trying to drum up enthusiasm for xmas and no one is fucking interested, DP barely makes the effort anymore cos of all the rows. I know my mum feels my DD has turned her back on her but whenever DD visits her my mum just rants on. Why can't my mum accept the fact that my DD is a sly caniving, selfish little brat because she is a teenager and it is supposed to be that way and that underneath there is a sensitive and unhappy child We lost my fahter two years ago and can't come to terms with it, he was more or less DDs dad too (not literally i hasten to add!!!).

I just want christmas day to be a lovely family day, my DD is coming home xmas eve night (because, she says, she wants her stocking ) and staying xmas day - so in theory it should be lovely. Yes DD1 is jealous of my DD2 aged 2 and there is a potential for problems because of her jealousy but i have spoken to her about this and told her i dont want no long faces on Christmas day.

Now my mother drops this bombshell a week before xmas. Well there is NO WAY on this earth i am not going to welcome my DD home on xmas day, but now i will have the guilt and worry of my mum stuck on her own all day as there is no other family for her to go to.

Why do i bother!!!!!!!!!

no one has an opinion on this then

I don't know what to say for you advice wise, but didn't want you to feel ignored either.

you have clearly accepted your daughter for what she is right now (as you should being her mum, but many mums would find it extremely hard to be like that), and so therfore I feel others should aswell. especially your own mum, as she should feel very proud of her own mothering skills to be able to raise such an accepting daughter as yourself!!!

YANBU.....this is your home, and your daughter and your choices. others may not agree, but surely family is about accepting other people faults, just as we all have faults, and therefore getting along while in each others company. ESPECIALLY at christmas when there are small kiddies about. (it is a fantastic life skill to have after all, the ability to accept and not judge).

I do hope that things work out for you all, but otherwise don't feel alone. sadly christmas seems to be the worst time for bringing out the worst in people, when ironically it is about (true meaning of xmas and all that) GOD sending his son to earth to learn and teach and spread love. (well, that is what I learnt).

can not leave you alone with this!

Your mum has made the decision to spend the day alone -- you should accept it and drop the worry and guilt..

I believe parents priority is to their kids.. and your mum should be working on your needs before hers...

well I don't think I've read any of your other posts so not sure I can really give good advice.

I can see why you're upset but you're doing the right thing and should not feel guilt over it. I would simply say to your mother (by email/letter if you thhink you/she will lose it on the phone) that although you understand your DD is difficult, you, as her mother, if you have any hope of building a future relationship must open the door to her on xmas day. You also love her (your DM) and as such she is welcome to join you and your family in your home and the invitation will stand to the last minute (just do a bit extra food, whatever doesn't get eaten can be frozen for meals for your toddler!). Rise above it, stand your ground but with a calm air and a smile on your face. At the end of the day your priority is your relationship with your DD - your DM's relationship with your DD is theirs to figure out.

If DM does turn up on xmas day and it blows up between DD and her then simply take youngest daughter and DP and go to the park, calmly saying you'll be back in 45 min and expect to feel happy in your own home. THEY can figure it out.

Hope you have a nice xmas regardless.

how awful to speak of your dd like that ,hardly encourages her to improve her life what about support , i wouldnt want them near my dd sod em

Why not have a word with your DD without telling her what your mum actually said (horrible names) and see if you can get her (if she wants to)to say to nan I would really love to see you . How is your mum ever going to see that she is improving if she never spends time with her . If it dosnt work well at least you have tried and you cant spend any more time worrying about it . Best of luck .

I don't think you need to feel guilty - your mum has made her choice. I think it is good that you are sticking by your dd1 - there are lots of stories on mn of people not doing this. tbh I can't see how your mum would expect you not to put your daughter first, and she has to accept this, and be alone at Christmas if that is the result (probably better than her causing a scene at your house anyway )

What everyone else has said.

You certainly don't need to feel guilty about your mum spending chrsitmas on her own - you have invited her and it is HER choice not yours that she won't come.

Ridiculous of her to think you will reject your dd in favour of her too - I am totally in agreement with you that she has to come first here.

I would just calmly tell her that your dd will be attending. That she is very welcome but only if she is able to come with good grace and not stir things up with your dd. Agree to with whoever posted that if it kicks off calmly remove yourself dp and dd2 and tell them to sort it out by the time you get back.

I think your mother is out of order calling your daughter names like that.

I think your daughter needs to grow up as a 17 year old really ought not to be jealous of a 2 year old, she is a baby!

You must put your daughter first and if your mother doens't like it she can stay away.

IMHO.

Thanks for the messages - if you knew my mother you would realise that saying anything calmly too her is a joke. The trouble is, she is so kind and generous and i know her attitude is because she is upset because DD was staying with her and then moved in with her boyfriend, it sort of just happened (my fault really, but thats how it went). I will probably approach this by saying yes and no in the right places and just hope that by xmas day she will calm down, but otherwise she knows i would never tell DD not to come so she will have to get over it im afraid

Thank god for prozac, thats all i can say

Would things be any better if you weren't all cooped up at home and went out for Christmas lunch instead? I think half the problem with British family Christmases is cabin fever. Even the stroppiest of teens sometimes behaves better in public.

Could you tell your daughter how much it would mean to you personally if she behaved herself with her grandmother, and that it would show the GM that she is passing out of her difficult phase? Then explain to your mum pretty much the same thing. Even the German and British trench soldiers managed to have a one-day ceasefire on Christmas Day - surely it shouldn't be beyond your DD and GM?

You sound like such a great mum. I agree that you should try not to feel guilty that your mother is alone on Christmas day as it is HER CHOICE. Of course you need your dd there. I hope you have a lovely day in the end.

Well your Mum is an adult and can make her own choices. You make the choices that are right for your family. It sounds like this is an important time in your relationship with your DD1 and I think it is important that she is with you as a family.

I would talk to your mother and tell her she is very welcome to come but that you don't want any rows over Christmas and if she thinks she can't control her tongue that it may be best if she stays away. The challenge may just get her there!

I would also have a chat with your DD and explain that your Mum is a bit hurt by what has happened but that it is time to move on and maybe ask your DD to ignore any little comments your mother may make.

I can't understand why your DD1 would be jealous of her little sis. I was 15 when my youngest sis was born and wasn't jealous in any way - loved her to bits. I suspect it is more being sad/uncomfortable at all the changes more than direct jealousy.

It sounds like she needs lots of time with you and reassurance that even though she is difficult and that your DD2 is easier, that you still love her and want to be with her.

I think the jealousy comes from two areas - DP isn't DD1's biological father, however she never knew her real dad. He didn't want to know and made it clear he wanted nothing to do with DD, to be honest, i preferred it that way. The relationship was over before i realised i was pregnant.

My dad was always the main father figure for DD1 and we lost him eight weeks after DD2 was born.

All that on top of being 15 has made the new sister a bitter pill for DD1 to swallow.

I am hoping this will blow over, i am going to play the head in the sand card as forcing the issue may make it worse. Although all of your advice to lay down the law to my mum is sensible, if you knew mum you would possiblky think otherwise. I will try and talk to DD but to be honest it goes over her head.

I will be devestated though if my mum doesnt get DD1 a xmas present as that would be a real kick in the teeth imo. Of course DD1 is a spoilt brat and expects the earth. I am paying for her to have her hair coloured and cut (£110!!!!!!!!!!!) and that is by far the most that is being spent on anyone as we are skint this year. Most of DD2s pressies have come from the charity shop, although that is more because i can't resist a bargain and lets face it, she is 2 - she wont know. DP and I wont be buying each other presents.

I'll just have to keep popping the pills and keep smiling

LEM i agree with most of the posts on here, your mum is being unreasonable, and if she wants to spent xmas day on her own, as opposed to with her own family, well, let her. Invite her over boxing day if dd1 has gone, and do it all over agin for ds2 - i bet you'll have plenty of food leftover! MAybe next year a) your mum will have realised that your dd's come first (as they should) and b) your dd1 will have grown up enough to realise when people are trying to mend bridges.
And yes your dd1 is being ridiculous being jealous of dd2, fgs. At 15 she is old enough to have her own daughter!

sparky - i know (re the child) it keeps me awake!!!!

...

Your mother has made the choice to sit all on her own christmas day, let her get on with it.

update: All is quiet on the western front, peace and harmony is restored (well sort of!)