To ask how to handle this one, I’m really hurt

[SocksOatsandBoats]

So, friend asked me to be her birth partner. Obviously said yes, but always said that if she didn't want me there that I understood. Last I heard from my friend she was getting niggles and was going to try and rest. I text her this morning just to see how she was, and didn't hear anything and really didn't think anything of it.

Then coming out of the gym, I get a message from her partner saying they'd had the baby. Then a follow up message saying sorry we didn't message, and that it got hectic, then asking for more advice.

Ultimately, whatever and whoever someone wants at their birth is up to them, and absolutely free to change their mind at any point. That's really not the issue here.

I'm just so so hurt, upset and honestly just gutted. (I realise this is my emotional issue to deal with) .

What do I do? Its made me feel like I'm not worth anything but for the experience I have.

I've obviously not said anything, as obviously not appropriate. But how do I resolve this in any sensible way to give myself peace. I just keep getting upset about it all.

post edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[HalzTangz]

@HalzTangz

Why are you upset that they are messaging you for advice

If I was trained in something and my friend needed help in that field I would be more than happy to help.

Is your friend a first time mum, if she is they probably scared to death at suddenly being completely responsible for a little human, and probably feel very thankful they have a good friend they can ask device from

Advice*

[SocksOatsandBoats]

@PurpleDaisies I never said they had done anything wrong. As I said, this thread was more about my own feelings of hurt, and how to navigate them and how to not be a cowbag.

Seriously, they’ve not done anything wrong.

[PurpleDaisies]

You must have been a bit prepared that you wouldn’t be there because of your job?

I would try and think about the women in labour that you’ve seen and how crazy everything can get. I’m sure this really isn’t personal and your friend would probably be gutted you’re feeling like this.

[Lucycantdance]

I totally understand why you’re hurt - but how did it unfold exactly? Did you meet up and discuss the birth and practise breathing and stuff? Or was it just an agreement and that was that?

If it was the latter I honestly think there is nothing to worry over. If the former, maybe on the night she just wanted to be alone? I had a wonderful doula who did loads of prep with me but on the night I honestly just wanted nobody there.

You sound like a lovely friend x

[Yogawankonobi]

I find as a HCP you do get used to this and you get wise to when people want friend/family you or professional you.

I can see why you are upset but it’s done now. What do you want to happen next?

[ArabellaScott]

I'm struggling to understand, OP. Presumably it all went really fast, they had no time to contact you, and then they have got a newborn. Biggest event of their lives and all that.

Surely consideration of nicely worded texts isn't even coming into it?!

I do feel like your'e telling yourself a story that may or may not have any truth to it at all. In the absence of knowing anything at all, why take it personally? Or have I missed something?

[SocksOatsandBoats]

Seriously, I love my friends, and I would never want to hurt them or stress them with any kind of drama.

As I said, this was just about my own feelings and how to navigate them. There are some really good points on this thread. I think I’m going to break out the journal and the crochet hook and attempt to make a baby hat.

[BordelDeMerde]

It's ok to feel hurt and disappointed in this situation. I think most people would, if they were being honest. You feel a bit used, and not as important to your friends as you thought you were.
I think the best thing to do is to sit with those feelings for a while...a week or maybe more. Feel what you feel, and try to work out how you would like to go further with them at the right time.
Don't do anything that you might regret. Give yourself plenty of time.

[Lotusmonster]

Maybe moving forward, just give some thought to bringing your job / profession into your friendships? It’s lovely that you care and have emotional investment but perhaps need to watch the scope for getting a bit hurt too.

[Practicebeingpatient]

If you genuinely want practical tips mine would be to have a good cry and then be as supportive as you can be. I know that after my first birth I was absolutely at sea, struggling with breast feeding and meconium and not knowing if I was healing right or feeling right. I would have been so, so grateful for a friend who was a true expert.

You know better than anyone what a whirlwind a birth can be. They got caught up in the moment and probably never had a moment of clarity to call you.

Don't think that not having you there doesn't mean you aren't important to them. I'm sure it wasn't intended as a slight. Text your friend and say you are so excited to see the baby and can't wait to hear her birth story. And when you get round there enjoy the cuddles yourself.

[SocksOatsandBoats]

@Yogawankonobi (great name!) honestly, I just would like to not feel upset (and possibly win the lottery).

[Sunset999]

Not sure why you are hurt, it happens as you know?

[IVbumble]

It's ok & normal to be upset in this - or any - situation OP.

Sometimes if the hurt seems to be too big for the situation it might be that most of your feelings are coming from a time in the past and this has just been a trigger.

Accept that you are hurt & being hurt never means you are a cow bag - it means it's important to be kind to yourself in your thoughts about yourself.

Allow yourself more time to accept the hurt - & any other feelings that may also surface along the way whilst you process what's at the root of things here.

[SocksOatsandBoats]

Thanks everyone.

[saraclara]

How long ago did she ask you? And had it been mentioned since? Any significant plans made?

I'm just wondering how vague or fixed the plan was I suppose.

[SparklyLeprechaun]

See, if I was to ask a friend to be my birthing partner I would see that as a huge favour they were doing me, not as a treat for them. So if I could spare them a trip in the middle of the night, I would, as to not impose on their good nature. I wouldn't think I was slighting them in any way and it wouldn't be because I don't value them as a friend at all.

Maybe your friend thinks the same.

[DoItAfraid]

@QuestionNumberOne

There’s an amazing book by Carson McCullers called ‘The Member of the Wedding.’ It’s about belonging, how much we need it and how it feels to have it taken away (in our own minds). It’s also about projection.

I think you felt so special and so much a part of things - and an important part of things - to be asked, and no doubt daydreamed a bit of how emotional and bonding it would be? And then it was taken away without even any acknowledgement.

So I get the hurt. But as you say it’s not rational and birth can be a scary sudden thing where all you’re thinking about is getting through the next ten seconds. Fuck the mood lights and playlist and everything else! It’s very primitive and very strong.

They value you. Their plans changed on the hop. Just spend some time looking after yourself because this has obviously triggered something for you.

Great advice.

[ButtonMoonLoon]

I was a birthing partner for a friend, and I also worked in the field at the time.
I was actually quite excited about it, having been present at so many births I was looking forward to being part of the birth of a child I’d get to see grow up.
In your shoes if I hadn’t have ended up being there I probably would have been a bit disappointed- do you think that's where your feelings might be coming from?

[diddl]

Does it feel a bit as if they are asking you to do your job but without the "bonus" that goes with it of helping with the birth?

They probably aren't deliberately being thoughtless, but most of us just have to navigate this stuff without a midwife on tap!

[dapsnotplimsolls]

You've said there are other things going on, maybe you were looking forward to the birth as a distraction from these and you've had the distraction taken away?

[Dancingonmoonlight]

I understand how you feel OP. It isn't as if you thought you had a right to be there but you had been asked, you had agreed and now it seems as if they didn't bother contacting you after asking you. They asked you because you are someone the mother trusts, you are a professional and a friend. You feel let down and used. Then they add to this by asking for newborn advice so you may feel they value your profession over your friendship?

FWIW I'd try to separate the birth and what they are like after the birth ie. asking advice. Your friend, as a new mother, will be panicking with all the unknowns. But I get how you feel. Its probably tempting to say you're a bit busy and reply sporadically. And of course you can do this if it all gets too much and you aren't in the mood for endless questions. After all they treated you like a professional more than a friend and you can reply in a practical manner when and if you feel like it. I would be tempted to do that myself if I was hurt.

I think time will heal if thats any help. If she's been a friend for a long time and you value the friendship and gain from it yourself, then I'd swallow my hurt. If I was unsure of the friendship, I'd take a step back.

[BoredZelda]

I just want some help to navigate this, if anyone has any practical tips.

Take a few deep breaths, remind yourself the baby is here and is safe and none of this about you.

[ChorizoJacketPotato]

Things change in the moment. I was resolute that I only wanted my husband. Had grand ideas of turning up at my mums the day after with a newborn baby and a big surprise. But when labour hit I realised he needed my mums support as much as I did, because I was a real drama queen and needed the virtual slap she’d give me and she would be someone to support him when I was at my worst, scared and in pain. So I went from just dh to calling my mum straight away to come to the hospital.

Things change in the heat of the moment.

I don’t think you’d be able to navigate it until you’ve seen her and heard her birth story. I’m sure she will explain then, and you’ll be able to make your peace with it xxx

[Aroundthetwist]

You say the baby arrived in the early hours, and that you have children already - there might be a simple practical explanation that they felt it was unfair to call on you during the night and disturb you.

They obviously don’t realise how much they’ve hurt you, as they immediately messaged for advice etc. If they had intentionally not asked you because they didn’t want you there, they may have felt awkward about asking for advice so quickly.

You will be a huge help to them and they obviously value your friendship. When you visit them they will likely acknowledge their change in birth plan, and hopefully you can have a few cuddles with the baby and these feelings will pass

[whatabelter]

I can see why you feel upset OP. Try not to dwell on it too much.