To ask how to handle this one, I’m really hurt

[SocksOatsandBoats]

So, friend asked me to be her birth partner. Obviously said yes, but always said that if she didn't want me there that I understood. Last I heard from my friend she was getting niggles and was going to try and rest. I text her this morning just to see how she was, and didn't hear anything and really didn't think anything of it.

Then coming out of the gym, I get a message from her partner saying they'd had the baby. Then a follow up message saying sorry we didn't message, and that it got hectic, then asking for more advice.

Ultimately, whatever and whoever someone wants at their birth is up to them, and absolutely free to change their mind at any point. That's really not the issue here.

I'm just so so hurt, upset and honestly just gutted. (I realise this is my emotional issue to deal with) .

What do I do? Its made me feel like I'm not worth anything but for the experience I have.

I've obviously not said anything, as obviously not appropriate. But how do I resolve this in any sensible way to give myself peace. I just keep getting upset about it all.

post edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[SylvanasWindrunner]

Ah I see. I think here it's still only one birth partner! I think you're just feeling disappointed but it will pass. You sound like a lovely, caring person who would have been a brilliant birth partner, but you can continue to be a brilliant friend

[SocksOatsandBoats]

I’m seriously not trying to be a cow, I know I would be very very unreasonable to think that a woman can’t change her mind at any point during labour.

I’m just hurt, I feel a bit rejected, and I dunno, it got to me.

[toocold54]

YABVU she wanted you to be her birth partner - that in itself is incredible that someone trusts you to be a part of their most intimate, stressful day.

Her not inviting you in the end could have been for a number of reasons - it happened too fast, she was in pain and embarrassed etc. Honestly she was having to deal with bigger issues than worrying about hurting your feelings.

I get why you might be upset that they are asking you questions but that is your job and I’d take it as a compliment that they are asking your advice so much. It shows they both trust your opinion and want you involved.

[Derbee]

Maybe the more the talked about it, the more they felt they’d rather it was just them. As a midwife, you must know that births don’t always happen exactly as someone has planned. Use that rational part of your brain to encourage the emotional side to get over it.

If you feel they’re using you unfairly for free advice, decide on your boundaries of what you’re comfortable with.

[MiddleClassProblem]

But if you’ve had children you might also be able to empathise that even when sending those messages, their heads are all over the shop, probably already knackered and not thinking as they normally would.

They still apologised and you want to help and they are asking for it. If you feel miffed you missed out and now taken advantage of, I think you are looking for problems. You have said you want to help and you have said you didn’t mind if she changed her mind.

You are contradicting yourself a lot. Step back and look at it for what it is. It’s such an honour you were asked.

[DFOD]

A good friend and an enlightened professional would be delighted that this couple found the courage to do this intimate process together successfully without the need for a further birth partner.

Take strength from the fact that YOUR support during the pregnancy enabled them to do this?

[SocksOatsandBoats]

Honestly, I hate feeling like this, I really really do.

Perhaps, this was a final straw situation. Things have been stressful at home of late, I dunno. I don’t normally get like this.

[TravelLost]

Did they tell you they didn’t need your support or did you just discover it when they told you she had given birth?

I think changing your mind is fine. Not telling that person isn’t. Esp if you then pester that same person with questions right left and centre.

[Lotusmonster]

Hugs for you OP for being both willing and ready….that says so much about you as a person. So on the day, things kind of went to pot a bit….that’s life and childbirth! Try not to over think it, they probably didn’t have time to either!
The happy couple will have a busy few weeks ahead with many ups and downs so don’t resent them. But do enjoy your time at the gym!!!

[Bellie710]

When I had DD2 i asked my friend who was a trainee doctor if she wanted to come round when I was in labour(homebirth). I thought we had hours to go and didn't want to phone my friend in the middle of the night, unfortunately she was born quickly and we never phoned her.
If my friend was annoyed she kept it very well hidden? I work in childcare and a lot of my friends ask me for advice as I have had lots of experience with babies but I don't feel they are using me they are just asking a friend for help like normal people do.
They apologised that it got hectic and they didn't phone you I'm not sure what else they could do to please you?

[Nanny0gg]

I get it.

You feel like you're being used.

Do you actually wonder if this was the plan all along?

I'd be hurt too

[Lightswitch123]

@Thepennysjustdropped

Does the DP know that she had asked you? Maybe he doesn't. Probably it all kicked off and she didn't get much time to think about plans but just went with the flow. I doubt she has meant to hurt you or take you for granted.

This

[Youmakemewannashout]

Maybe any advice you gave during the pregnancy instilled them with enough confidence to go it alone when baby’s birth was imminent- Instead of feeling that you have been passed over, why not recognise this as an achievement you can be proud of ?

[Lotusmonster]

To be fair, as a MW, you will get to experience the miracle and mess of childbirth many times. The DP of your friend may not. They might only want to have one DC. I’m sure in your heart if at the critical moment he’d expressed a desire to be there as birthing partner, you wouldn’t want to deny him that.?

[SocksOatsandBoats]

Travel no, they didn’t say anything. Just after the fact.

Look, I really don’t want anything from them. I don’t want them to please me, or do anything for me.

I’m just upset, I would like not to be, and just wanted some advice on how to navigate my own feelings.

[Laiste]

Is there any background of this friend blowing hot and cold?

Is she an old friend, new friend?

Was it ever a really set in stone plan for you to be there (arrangements made for your own child care when she went into labour/who was going to message you/weather you would travel with her to hospital ect) or was this more of a ''Oh Socks you simply must be there as well when the baby arrives. DP wont mind!'' sort of thing, and, it being your job, you took it more seriously than it was meant?

[Nuttymonkey]

I would just get it off your chest, the partner is probably not even thinking that you may feel rejected right now so won't word the texts in the right context.
When you see them just congratulate them as normal and say you were gutted to not have been there.... But so pleased to have heard the news baby was here and healthy... All in a chirpy tone of course but you'll have said how you felt.....
I expect it was nothing to do with not wanting you there but I expect things took a turn or the pace picked up and after having 5 babies myself, you forget all the birth plans when it ramps up and don't think about anything else.
I guess there is a chance they were never going to have you there but didn't want to tell you that for fear of hurting your feelings.... But if that's the case then I guess they had good intentions without realising you'd be upset...

They definitely want your help now though so I'd give it, let things settle and then enjoy all those newborn snuggles

[BrilloPaddy]

I completely get you, OP.

She didn't ask you as a MW, she asked you as a friend.

Of course that hurts.

[SocksOatsandBoats]

lotus we’re allowed two birthing partners, I wouldn’t ever dare to replace a partner.

[mellicauli]

Maybe you should focus on that "last straw" issue so you can separate it from your friends. You know that it's a crazy time for them and they are going to be focusing on themselves and the baby.

Did it make you feel valued / loved / important and that's what you are missing elsewhere in your life? Were you really looking forward to being there at a special moment because your life is lacking in specialness?

Focus on those other straws, not the last straw..

[tinyteepee]

I remember thinking during pregnancy that I’d want my mum with me as well but when labour kicked in I realised I really didn’t and felt fine with just my DH- sometimes it takes being in the actual moment to figure out what you want/need.

[QuestionNumberOne]

There’s an amazing book by Carson McCullers called ‘The Member of the Wedding.’ It’s about belonging, how much we need it and how it feels to have it taken away (in our own minds). It’s also about projection.

I think you felt so special and so much a part of things - and an important part of things - to be asked, and no doubt daydreamed a bit of how emotional and bonding it would be? And then it was taken away without even any acknowledgement.

So I get the hurt. But as you say it’s not rational and birth can be a scary sudden thing where all you’re thinking about is getting through the next ten seconds. Fuck the mood lights and playlist and everything else! It’s very primitive and very strong.

They value you. Their plans changed on the hop. Just spend some time looking after yourself because this has obviously triggered something for you.

[DysmalRadius]

As a midwife, you must know that things can change so quickly when you are actually in the position of being in labour. I was adamant that I wanted to at least try a water birth with my first - I called ahead when my waters broke, let them know to fill the pool, packed my birthing bikini (!) and when I got there, I took one look at the half full pool and said 'I'm not getting in that!' and that was it!

In your shoes, I would assume that they were asking for your help and advice to demonstrate that they still value your contribution to the whole process and that not calling you wasn't a sign that they didn't want you to be a part of their early days as parents - I think your feelings of rejections are putting a much more negative spin on this than it probably warrants.

[Penistoe]

Expectant women don’t know what they really want until they are actually in labour/pain and even then change their mind. They are allowed since they are pushing a small human out of their foofs. Or about to experience major surgery. Either way it is crazy to take it personally and make it about you.

Is there something deeper going on here? It seems so irrational to be upset.

[AJGranny]

You are taking it far far too personally. Shake it off and move on.