To ask how to handle this one, I’m really hurt

[SocksOatsandBoats]

So, friend asked me to be her birth partner. Obviously said yes, but always said that if she didn't want me there that I understood. Last I heard from my friend she was getting niggles and was going to try and rest. I text her this morning just to see how she was, and didn't hear anything and really didn't think anything of it.

Then coming out of the gym, I get a message from her partner saying they'd had the baby. Then a follow up message saying sorry we didn't message, and that it got hectic, then asking for more advice.

Ultimately, whatever and whoever someone wants at their birth is up to them, and absolutely free to change their mind at any point. That's really not the issue here.

I'm just so so hurt, upset and honestly just gutted. (I realise this is my emotional issue to deal with) .

What do I do? Its made me feel like I'm not worth anything but for the experience I have.

I've obviously not said anything, as obviously not appropriate. But how do I resolve this in any sensible way to give myself peace. I just keep getting upset about it all.

post edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[User527294627]

I would just accept that you feel the way you feel, and not try to combat it. Just acknowledge the feeling and accept it for what it is. It will pass in time.

[EileenGC]

You can feel hurt, your emotions are valid. But they're probably just busy trying to learn how to handle this newborn they've suddenly been put in their arms, so any text communication is going to be blunt, short and on subject.

I sometimes get too busy after a simple day at work and instead of sending lovely thoughtful messages to my friends, I just go straight to the point I want to make and ask for X specific stuff. Can't imagine how busy or exhausted I'd be after just giving birth. That's how I'd take the partner's message. They're tired and don't have their mind on texting anyone, they're not just being rude or ungrateful.

[PeriChristmas]

@SocksOatsandBoats

Look I absolutely get all of what you’re saying, if she changed her mind then that’s fair enough. I accept that. But we can all accept something rationally, but emotionally still be irrational can’t we.

salsa I don’t think I’m being selfish, I just want some help as I’m upset and would like to not be.

Yeah the DP knew she’d asked me.

Look, I’m really not trying to be a drama lama (honestly this isn’t my personality type). I just want some help to navigate this, if anyone has any practical tips. I really don’t like feeling like this, I don’t really get why it’s got to me this much.

Don't say anything to them for all the reasons outlined that you rationally understand.

About feeling upset?
Give it some time OP.
You will get over it.
Try to plan some nice things to do in your own family.
Let it pass.
It will.

[blujohnstons]

I don't think your being unreasonable at all. Al you are doing it expressing here how your feeling and that your hurt, which to me is totally understandable. You must have been a very supportive friend throughout the pregnancy which is why they had asked you, you surely would have felt emotionally involved so to hear through a txt message would honestly be so gutting. You sound like a very good person and friend, you have continued to be supportive offering advise and not once made them feel uncomfortable or questioned them which is what a good friend would do. Hoping in time and when you see your friend and her little baby these feeling will pass.

[ohthestruggles]

YABU to be so upset if you said you would understand if she changed her mind. She obviously changed her mind and her baby is here safe and sound, so just congratulate them and support as a friend would. It would also be unreasonable to burden a new mum with your feelings, she's going to have a tough few weeks ahead of her.

[Summerfun54321]

If a close friend has asked you to help them out in a professional context, then they change their mind without explanation, it makes you feel a bit shit and worthless. It’s something about not being valued professionally by a friend. It’s hurtful and makes you feel shit and isn’t exclusive to labour or being a midwife. You’ve just learnt the hard way that you shouldn’t “work” for friends.

[Nondescriptname]

@mellicauli

Maybe you should focus on that "last straw" issue so you can separate it from your friends. You know that it's a crazy time for them and they are going to be focusing on themselves and the baby.

Did it make you feel valued / loved / important and that's what you are missing elsewhere in your life? Were you really looking forward to being there at a special moment because your life is lacking in specialness?

Focus on those other straws, not the last straw..

I think this is good advice as your reaction is all about you, not about what the other people did or didn't do.

Accept that you feel this way, and look at your own life for the reasons.

[PeriChristmas]

@Nanny0gg

I get it.

You feel like you're being used.

Do you actually wonder if this was the plan all along?

I'd be hurt too

How is this helpful?!

[Laiste]

DysmalRadius that made me laugh!

It's true that, especially with your first, you form quite a few firm plans that go straight out of the window when the time comes.

I blame birthing classes with their nice candles and home comforts ideas. ''take in a nice scented candle ...'' ect. Yeah

[HaveToSaySomethingHere]

Of course you're sad. Who wouldn't be. I would be so disappointed and probably irrationally feel a bit foolish too. You sound lovely and kind and human.

[Standrewsschool]

They probably didn’t intend for the message to be blunt. They’ve just had a baby, earlier than expected. Their heads are probably all over the place at the moment. Cut them some slack.

[ThePlantsitter]

Aw, I'm sorry OP. I didn't mean to rub salt into it by telling you to shake yourself. I didn't really realise you were wanting advice about managing the feelings rather than the feelings themselves.

I think you need to visit as soon as you can add have a cuddle with the baby, impart some of your wisdom and express some of the love you have for your friend and her baby. The best thing to battle negative feelings is to put positivity out there I think (when it's not a case for assertive boundary drawing, which this is not).

As for the curt husband, he is probably internally screaming arrrrrggggggggh and it came out as a short message and asking for advice.

Flowers for you.

[ohthestruggles]

I blame birthing classes with their nice candles and home comforts ideas. ''take in a nice scented candle ...'' ect.

The smell of the liquid yoga spray I used when I did my evening hypnobirthing practice turns my stomach now. It wasn't any fucking use when I started having a rather large antepartum haemorrhage 🤦🏼‍♀️

[AmyDudley]

If you feel hurt - you feel hurt, rational or not. I can see it from their point of view - and I suspect they will have no idea at all that they have hurt you.

But you want to know how to get past it.
Interesting you say you've had some stressful times recently, are you feeling generally a bit under valued ? Maybe this was the final straw for you after a time of feeling vulnerable and stressed.?

I think Personally I would try to write down exactly what you are feeling and why, make points of every thing you have told us and anything else however silly it may seem that pops into your head. Then try to think around your point to come to a better understanding that makes you feel better about the situation.

So for example - you feel you are only valued for your expertise, But actually you are maybe more valued, because as well as supportive friendship you bring experience as a midwife and as a Mum. You are so important to them that you were wanted at the birth, yes things changed last minute (and we all know how things can end in a mad rush) but now they would like your help. They are trusting you above anyone else to consult about their precious new baby, That's how important you are.

So just try to think out your hurt and turn thing around in your mind because hurt clouds our judgement and I think you are going to be a great friend to them as they navigate new babyhood.

[godmum56]

@SocksOatsandBoats

Honestly, I hate feeling like this, I really really do.

Perhaps, this was a final straw situation. Things have been stressful at home of late, I dunno. I don’t normally get like this.

so the problem isn't actually the problem? maybe you need to refocus on the "stressful at home" it sounds to me like you might be deflecting?

[RJnomore1]

I get you.

You are allowed to be irrationally hurt. It’s important to acknowledge how this made you feel. Then work out why.

We don’t know you enough to tell you why. Is it a very old close friend and you feel excluded? A newer one that has made you feel used? Is it the other things in your life that you don’t want to acknowledge hurt you that are making you focus on this?

I’d allow yourself to work through the feelings. You’ve got your head screwed on, you’re not going to be a cow to the new mum about it, but there’s something in this that’s hurt you and if you acknowledge the hurt you can find out what that is.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@Standrewsschool

They probably didn’t intend for the message to be blunt. They’ve just had a baby, earlier than expected. Their heads are probably all over the place at the moment. Cut them some slack.

Also the partner may be thinking that you'll be relieved at not being needed in the end, especially as you're a MW, so a delivery not exactly a novelty for you.

Your feelings are your feelings, and you're entitled to them, but don't forget that your friends' perspective might be totally different, which is why they are communicating in a way that feels off to you.

[HalzTangz]

Why are you upset that they are messaging you for advice

If I was trained in something and my friend needed help in that field I would be more than happy to help.

Is your friend a first time mum, if she is they probably scared to death at suddenly being completely responsible for a little human, and probably feel very thankful they have a good friend they can ask device from

[FireworkParrot]

@mellicauli

Maybe you should focus on that "last straw" issue so you can separate it from your friends. You know that it's a crazy time for them and they are going to be focusing on themselves and the baby.

Did it make you feel valued / loved / important and that's what you are missing elsewhere in your life? Were you really looking forward to being there at a special moment because your life is lacking in specialness?

Focus on those other straws, not the last straw..

I think this advice is spot on. You know that the birth is about them and not about you but it seems to me that your feelings are about something within yourself and nothing really to do with your friend and her partner at all.

I also agree with the poster about going and visiting the baby for cuddles as soon as you're invited to.

[SocksOatsandBoats]

Laiste no it was more formal.

Question yeah I think it has to be honest.

@Penistoe absolutely feeling irrational here, and absolutely hating it (hence the thread).

user(and vast amount of numbers yeah I think that’s what I need to do.

@Standrewsschool no I get that, and even said as much to my partner.

Also, I’m not going to say anything to her, probably even ever. This thread was just about how to navigate it for myself, and how to deal with myself, not them. Does that make sense?

[SunnyLeaf]

Are you struggling with feelings of being rejected or not wanted, not valued, not feeling important etc in your daily life and that’s why this one “rejection” hit you really hard? Your feelings are absolutely valid (as are any) and it might take a bit of time to work through them. Could you try and write your feelings down to try and explore them?

[PurpleDaisies]

If you’re a midwife, surely there was a pretty good chance you’d have been working and not available to be her birth partner anyway?

Your friend has done absolutely nothing wrong here.

[gavisconismyfriend]

Oh that’s tough OP. On the one hand you know rationally that they won’t have meant to hurt you and I’m sure you’re delighted that the baby has arrived safe and well, but on the other you feel wounded, understandably so. To your credit you’re trying to find a way to manage that conflict and not blaming them. Hurting is human, it shows that you have a soft heart and genuine love for your friend and friendship. The only thing I’ve found that works is to own the feeling and just acknowledge it gently every time it bubbles to the surface. Recognise it for the sadness it is and allow yourself to experience it, don’t try to squash it down or ignore it. Acknowledge it, cry if you want to, accept it. Slowly but surely it will come up less often, but it takes time because healing takes time, so don’t try to force it. Be gentle with yourself.

[SunnyLeaf]

And I don’t think you’re being selfish and totally get why you’re confused and don’t want to feel like this but we can’t choose our feelings!

[Reallybadidea]

I think sometimes things that like this that affect us deeply in a way that we find hard to rationalise, aren't always about that situation itself. I wonder whether it has triggered feelings of rejection because of another experience you've had or feeling rejected/insecure in other relationships? Not sure whether that makes sense and I might be way off the mark here. If that's the case then I think you need to try and separate the feelings of hurt that your friend has caused from the other stuff. You must be a very valued and trusted friend for her to even ask you to be her birth partner in the first place. Perhaps just knowing that she could call you if she needed you was enough for her? I suspect that there was no conscious decision to not call you, probably more that she never got to a stage where she felt she needed you.