To ask how to handle this one, I’m really hurt

[SocksOatsandBoats]

So, friend asked me to be her birth partner. Obviously said yes, but always said that if she didn't want me there that I understood. Last I heard from my friend she was getting niggles and was going to try and rest. I text her this morning just to see how she was, and didn't hear anything and really didn't think anything of it.

Then coming out of the gym, I get a message from her partner saying they'd had the baby. Then a follow up message saying sorry we didn't message, and that it got hectic, then asking for more advice.

Ultimately, whatever and whoever someone wants at their birth is up to them, and absolutely free to change their mind at any point. That's really not the issue here.

I'm just so so hurt, upset and honestly just gutted. (I realise this is my emotional issue to deal with) .

What do I do? Its made me feel like I'm not worth anything but for the experience I have.

I've obviously not said anything, as obviously not appropriate. But how do I resolve this in any sensible way to give myself peace. I just keep getting upset about it all.

post edited by MNHQ at OP's request.

[LittleGwyneth]

I men this very gently: do you think there might be anything else going on here? Could there be something else that you're upset about something else connected to the fact that she has had a baby? Because you sound like a lovely person who is having a slightly disproportionate reaction potentially.

[Grumpasaurus]

@gavisconismyfriend I really needed to read that right now! Lovely words.

[Guetzlibache]

I think you are upset that you are upset.Nobody likes to be faced with their own little demons(and we all have them!)In your rational head,you know it isnt an issue really,but your emotional side feels hurt.I think, the best way to feel less crappy is to accept your emotional side.Its not nice to have that inner little selfishness "knocking at your door".Accept it,honestly everyone will meet it at some time.Once you accept it, you can move on and enjoy the newborn of your friend.Your professional pride is a little dented,its human and nobody reacts "correctly" in every situation.Shake hand with your inner shadow and the shadow will disappear.

[Lullaby88]

I don't think you are being selfish OP. It must have been a shock to you as u had mentally prepared to be her birth partner and its quite a big deal. If you had felt flattered she asked you to be there it could feel like a blow and if u feel betrayed she went ahead and had her baby then its just normal to feel like that.
It's like someone asking to be thier bridesmaid but then texting u later saying they got married.
This is quite different though. In all honesty ur friend must just got scooped up in the moment and felt she was doing fine with just herself and her partner and may not have needed additional support. The main thing is ur friend felt comfortable in her labour as ladies we understand how fast these things happen and our mind is just set on the baby and wanting it to come out. It wouldn't be anything personal to u. The fact she considered you just shows u must be such an amazing friend and individual to have them qualities. I'd just accept how ur feeling but also understand its nothing personal.

[Yogity]

@socksoatsandboats
I think it's perfectly self aware of you to accept that sometimes feelings are a little irrational and have to commend you on this. Perhaps the great honour if being asked had sunk in for you and now you feel a little jipped that it didn't materialise, even though you respect your friend's choices.

I can relate in a sense. My best friend video called me right up to a minute before her gender scan in pure excitement and then suddenly backtracked and ghosted me for 3 days before telling me the outcome. I was distraught, rejected (and worried) even though it wasn't my news at all.

Maybe treat as you would treat any of life's other disappointments. Bit of self care and pampering and treat your own feelings with kid gloves

[Teenagers2grownups0]

I understand why you’re upset OP. You were asked to be part of a special moment and expected that to happen. In the end the special moment happened and you didn’t even know it was happening let alone be there with them for it.

It’s bound to feel like a rejection even if it was never intended that way at all. I think as others have said, it’s maybe a last straw moment but would be hurtful in It’s own right even though they didn’t intend that or have no idea it has made you feel like that.

Hard as it is, you need to see it wasn’t a rejection of you just something that didn’t happen to occur as per the original plan.

Good luck OP, you’re fine to be upset but also 100% right not to make them feel bad about it. It wasn’t intentional and the moment has passed. Rise above your feelings and either decide you’ll answer her questions gracefully or point her gently to her midwife if appropriate.

You’re clearly a good friend, they are in new parent blindness at the moment and are probably oblivious.

Take care

[eeek88]

Nobody can predict how they’ll FEEL during childbirth.

One friend thought she wanted to give birth in hospital but after several hours in labour at home was refusing to move and so adamant that her husband in desperation summoned the neighbour to help him get her to hospital.

One friend thought she wanted to listen to Leonard Cohen, Joan Baez etc, then found that her entire, carefully curated playlist repulsed her.

I didn’t realise I wanted to read ‘this is going to hurt’ by adam Kay until I was 2 days in.

Don’t take it personally. Yabu

[erinaceus]

It might sound daft but maybe you will find that these feelings fade once you meet the baby?

[Twillow]

Bless you. It doesn't sound like they changed their mind about you, just as they said it got hectic. Birth is such a strange and unpredictable event. If she did change her mind maybe she didin't say as she didn't want to hurt your feelings. It just sounds like as you are having a hard time with your own things, you got maybe a little over-invested in needing to help other people?
I hope you feel better soon and the crochet is soothing

[Lockheart]

I understand why you're upset to miss the birth when you were expecting to be there, but the only thing to do is congratulate them, visit when able, and help out if you can / want to.

Births rarely go to plan and babies wait for no-one!

[antoniawhite]

I can see why you’re upset. I would be too. I’m sorry xx

[lemmein]

When I was pregnant with DD1 my friend offered to come with me to my scan, I agreed, I really did want her there. On the day I slept in, was running late - I had to go past the hospital to collect her so just decided to go to the scan myself as I didn't want to miss my appt. My friend was really upset and still brings it up now 25 years later I genuinely didn't think she'd be bothered, my only focus that morning was getting to the appointment (this was before mobiles were commonplace 👵🏼) I thought she'd prob be secretly glad she didn't have to sit around in the hospital but I was very, very wrong!

Maybe your friend underestimated how much this meant to you and thought of it as a favour you were doing (like I did with my friend) and as she's gone into labour through the night just didn't want to disturb you for her benefit?

If you are close enough to be asked in the first place I'm sure your friend never intended to hurt you - get yourself round there and get some baby snuggles, try to let it go.

[tickledtiger]

I see why you’re upset, you thought things were going to happen differently.

I think you should feel better because just the offer of your support will have given her confidence I promise. I was offered support by a friend of mine in my pregnancy and I never actually reached out to her but it made me feel great.

You did some good here.

[Gwlondon]

Big hug. I think you were looking forward to it and it’s disappointing that they didn’t call you. It might have been the husband not being helpful thinking he could do it.

I think try and be cool because it may be a long while before they make contact properly. They may never actually address it.

If you feel like they are using you just step back a bit and don’t be too helpful. While you are hurt it’s not the best idea.

[callmeadoctor]

Maybe the hospital rules had changed to one birthing partner (which really it should be in these covid times)

[mumwon]

It sounds like you were the one of the first if not the first to hear
I would take that as a compliment & let go of your disappointment

[thelegohooverer]

Rejection is powerfully painful. We are a species that depend on community for our survival and being excluded from the safety of the herd could mean death. That pain you’re feeling is an evolutionary imperative.

There are some fascinating psychological studies showing how easily feelings of rejection are triggered - there’s nothing rational or measured about it.

You sound like a lovely person, and feeling hurt and unsettled by this does not detract from you.

I have learned (through years of therapy) to lean in to pain and really, really feel it. The intensity often passes within a few minutes if you pay it close attention. You can’t escape your feelings by pushing them away. They’re ok and so are you.

[BurntO]

Don’t say anything to them. At all. This was their time and they dealt with it the way they dealt with it and they welcomed their child into the world. Please don’t let them feel any guilt over how it played out.


I do understand the hit, the overwhelming underwhelm of it all, if that’s makes sense. You were invited to be in an extremely important moment of theirs lives and instead it passed by without you. It’s okay to have feelings about it.

[whatabelter]

I can see why you feel upset OP. Try not to dwell on it too much.

[Aroundthetwist]

You say the baby arrived in the early hours, and that you have children already - there might be a simple practical explanation that they felt it was unfair to call on you during the night and disturb you.

They obviously don’t realise how much they’ve hurt you, as they immediately messaged for advice etc. If they had intentionally not asked you because they didn’t want you there, they may have felt awkward about asking for advice so quickly.

You will be a huge help to them and they obviously value your friendship. When you visit them they will likely acknowledge their change in birth plan, and hopefully you can have a few cuddles with the baby and these feelings will pass

[ChorizoJacketPotato]

Things change in the moment. I was resolute that I only wanted my husband. Had grand ideas of turning up at my mums the day after with a newborn baby and a big surprise. But when labour hit I realised he needed my mums support as much as I did, because I was a real drama queen and needed the virtual slap she’d give me and she would be someone to support him when I was at my worst, scared and in pain. So I went from just dh to calling my mum straight away to come to the hospital.

Things change in the heat of the moment.

I don’t think you’d be able to navigate it until you’ve seen her and heard her birth story. I’m sure she will explain then, and you’ll be able to make your peace with it xxx

[BoredZelda]

I just want some help to navigate this, if anyone has any practical tips.

Take a few deep breaths, remind yourself the baby is here and is safe and none of this about you.

[Dancingonmoonlight]

I understand how you feel OP. It isn't as if you thought you had a right to be there but you had been asked, you had agreed and now it seems as if they didn't bother contacting you after asking you. They asked you because you are someone the mother trusts, you are a professional and a friend. You feel let down and used. Then they add to this by asking for newborn advice so you may feel they value your profession over your friendship?

FWIW I'd try to separate the birth and what they are like after the birth ie. asking advice. Your friend, as a new mother, will be panicking with all the unknowns. But I get how you feel. Its probably tempting to say you're a bit busy and reply sporadically. And of course you can do this if it all gets too much and you aren't in the mood for endless questions. After all they treated you like a professional more than a friend and you can reply in a practical manner when and if you feel like it. I would be tempted to do that myself if I was hurt.

I think time will heal if thats any help. If she's been a friend for a long time and you value the friendship and gain from it yourself, then I'd swallow my hurt. If I was unsure of the friendship, I'd take a step back.

[dapsnotplimsolls]

You've said there are other things going on, maybe you were looking forward to the birth as a distraction from these and you've had the distraction taken away?

[diddl]

Does it feel a bit as if they are asking you to do your job but without the "bonus" that goes with it of helping with the birth?

They probably aren't deliberately being thoughtless, but most of us just have to navigate this stuff without a midwife on tap!