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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else DP think its morally wrong to change his daughters nappy or bath her? but not his sons??

30 replies

AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:05

my fiance has 2 children with his ex (hes a bit older than me) weve been together two years and now have a wonderful daughter. he never changed his otehr daughters nappys but changed his sons and he says he feels its morally wrong for him to change and bath our daughter as shes a girl only problem is it means its always me doing it and i get up all thru the night he never has and im worn out, any advise??

OP posts:
snowbodysfool · 05/12/2007 14:33

Sounds like a crap excuse for being lazy!
Does he leave his caveman club hammer at the door?
You are a better woman that me if you let him get away with that.

witchandchips · 05/12/2007 14:38

only that is it "morally wrong" for him to show you his bits as he a bloke and you're a bird

manchita · 05/12/2007 14:40

I have only heard of that once before- basically by a man who just didn't want ot change nappies.
What is morally wrong about caring for your own daughter's hygiene?

slim22 · 05/12/2007 14:42

Alix, trust me, you want fresh perspective post here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2440?call=NewConversationPage&rnd=1196865631110

take care

Twiglett · 05/12/2007 14:42

I would worry intensely about a man who thinks in that way to be honest

sorry

snowleopard · 05/12/2007 14:44

Obvious question - who changes his son's nappies when he's not there? A woman, I'll warrant... is he OK with that

It might be an excuse for being lazy, or it might genuinely make him uncomfortable - but either way he hasn't got a leg to stand on. I'd have a chat with him and explain you need some hekp and while a child is in nappies they're way to young for it to be an issue. Yes when she's older it makes sense to develop some privacy - maybe talk to him about an appropriate age for that and agree it with him, so he doesn't feel totally undermined.

nortynamechanger · 05/12/2007 14:48

My Dh was a bit funny when DD was born, never quite cleaning out her more, erm, delicate areas - often leaving poo and making her sore.

We had a fairy serious conversation (I think I told him to get a grip) and twas sorted.

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:52

thanks slim22

OP posts:
Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:52

thanks slim22

OP posts:
Tortington · 05/12/2007 14:54

crock of shit

geekymummy · 05/12/2007 15:01

he's BU.

DaddyJ · 05/12/2007 15:03

Agree with snowleopard word for word.

It's about making sure your own child
is clean and comfortable. End of story.

geekymummy · 05/12/2007 15:03

I can understand him not bathing her or with her after a certain age, but certainly not whilst she's a baby!

catsmother · 05/12/2007 15:07

I agree with Twiglett I'm afraid.

There is obviously nothing morally wrong in a parent of either sex attending to the routine care of their children, of either sex. It's something that has to be done for the health & comfort of the child.

If someone states that there is, I would be more worried about what was going through their head than about them being lazy. To suggest it's morally wrong is to suggest that a baby's genitals are either "tempting" or "shameful" - or both, I suppose. The question has to be asked, what does he think would happen if he saw his own baby daughter in the nude ?

I apologise if I have been too frank in my reply but lack of practical help wouldn't be my main concern.

lucyellensmum · 05/12/2007 15:22

you know, i had a similar comment from my MIL the other week. My DD is 2.5 and is going through a "i want daddy to do EVERYTHING for me stage and mummy isnt allowed to do anything when daddy is around". So she needed her bum changed so i said to DP, i think you should change DDs bum dont want her to get sore. OK he said. MIL gave me odd look, why i felt i had to justify myself i dont know, i just said, oh she only wants daddy at the moment. She then went on to say that her other son doesnt change his baby girls nappy as he doesnt feel right about it. I just smiled and said that must really please SIL, how weird is that! Then turning to DP and saying, don't forget to put the cream on. My DP finds it strange too, but then i think my MIL is of the school that baby rearing is womans work!

My DP even changed my DD1s nappy but he is her step dad, we met when she was 18m (15 years ago!). Whats the problem, i never even gave it a second thought, although i bet he only ever did it to get brownie points I can't remember when DP stopped being in the room when DD1 was in a state of nakedness, quite early but then even im not allowed in the room when DD1 is naked now!!

I think it is really sad that men are made to feel this way, probably by the media etc.

ScottishMummy · 05/12/2007 15:24

as parents DP and i wipe sick, clean body fuids, wipe wee bums -unquestioningly why wouldn't any paren want to be involved in hands on care?is he making up an evasive excuse to avoid responsibilities?

jinglebells2shoessmells · 05/12/2007 15:32

the man in the op is a dip stick. my dh still has to do that sort of stuff(don't want to be JP so won't go into detail) for our dd who is 12. she is disabled so if I am not there he has to (of cause at that age best if mum does)
some people are just lazy like the man in the op.

PinkPussyCatInAPearTree · 05/12/2007 15:34

My dh is a paediatrician and says that he has been told this numerous times, eg during history taking when Dads bring their dd's to clinic appts etc. He can't understand it either! VERY wierd if you ask me. And a sad reflection on the world we live in.

CrushWithEyeliner · 05/12/2007 15:39

come on guys you are being a bit harsh to Alix's DP. She said he was older - maybe he is just a bit old fashioned, of a different era? Are you implying that he is some kind of paedophile because he is shy at changing his DD?

ScottishMummy · 05/12/2007 15:41

harsh is hubby having an undisturbed kip whilst she changes the baby

RudolphtherEDDASnosedreindeer · 05/12/2007 15:52

I can kind of see where dp is coming from, but he just needs to be told that she is his child so he has to do it.

My dh says he feels uncomfortable sometimes, but not changing her nappy(although she is now 3! so only a nappy at night) he pretty much always baths her and generally they have a bath together. She has recently/has still got thrush and he wasn't comfortable cleaning her properly and putting on the cream, but that's fair enough it need more than just a wipe really so I do that. Having said that I wasnt around on monday to do it so he did, but if I am here he'd rather not.

PinkPussyCatInAPearTree · 05/12/2007 16:45

Of course I wasn't implying anything about Alix's dp - what dh tells me is that some men are afraid that they might be PERCEIVED in a suspicious manner if they are seen to be changing a baby girls nappy - which I think is very sad.

CrushWithEyeliner · 05/12/2007 18:46

I wasn't referring to your post PPC, in fact I agree it is v sad that men should feel this way. It was this:

" I would be more worried about what was going through their head than about them being lazy. To suggest it's morally wrong is to suggest that a baby's genitals are either "tempting" or "shameful" - or both, I suppose. The question has to be asked, what does he think would happen if he saw his own baby daughter in the nude ?"

that is going a bit too far really.

I do think her DP needs to get over it and he should stop being silly, but OP said he was older and he could just be from a different generation. My Dad always leaves the room when I am changing DD, no sinister reason there. He is just v old fashioned and he feels it is courteous.

catsmother · 05/12/2007 20:19

CWE ..... I said what I did in relation to the statement "morally wrong". I don't see how else a nude baby could be perceived as being "morally wrong" except in that fashion.

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone, but as I read it, it was the OP's OH who used the phrase and how seeing your own child in the nude during their day to day essential care could ever be "morally wrong" I do not know.

Obviously, the OP needs him to pinpoint exactly what he means. Presumably we are not talking about a Victorian gentleman who feels that uncovered piano legs are a scandal ? Hopefully he used that particular phrase without thinking and nothing sinister was meant but I can't help thinking that anyone who believes seeing their opposite sex naked child is "morally wrong" has serious issues of some sort. It seems a very extreme remark to make if you are simply being lazy - and if that was the case, wouldn't explain why he was happy to see his naked sons.

Nightynight · 05/12/2007 20:57

my ex was also embarrassed about this. I think it comes from a lifetime of chasing women, and then he is faced with his own child. he did get over it in the end, but it took a bit of time.
I would be patient with your dp about this.

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