To say DH should ALWAYS do what DSS wants at weekend?

[LuckyGoLucky]

I have 1 DSS who is middle secondary aged and me and DH have toddler together.

We live very close by to his Mum so as he's gotten older contact is not very strict at all, we always help the other out if one parent has plans but other than that DSS basically comes whenever he likes and often stays more here than he does with his Mum. We all get on and he often rings me and asks me to pick him up from school to come back to ours etc so it's really not a case of he's barely here or I resent him being around or ANYTHING like that, honestly that couldn't be further from the truth he is always welcome and knows it.

Anyway, for the past year he's taken up an activity at the weekend that he likes to do and he asks DH to do with him every weekend. It's not a scheduled club or anything, they just go and do it together and are often out all day.

It's gotten to the point now where if I suggest we do anything with toddler, all together he asks DSS if he'd prefer to do that or go to do this activity. If he says he'd prefer to do the activity it's almost like a shrug from DH as in "well what can I do, I'll have to go with DSS" and I end up doing most things alone with our toddler so that actually get out of the house at weekends.

I was thinking if speaking to DH about this tonight and basically saying we can't always allow every weekend to be dominated by this and whilst I appreciate DSS wants to do this with his Dad, he does also need to spend some weekends with me and toddler as well.

I am more than happy for this activity to be done together frequently, I just don't think it should be an option every single weekend and he gets to essentially refuse DH doing anything else.

It's absolutely a DH problem, I understand that. AIBU?

[TomFuckery]

Every other week they do an activity with you and the little one?

[EmbarrassingAdmissions]

@LuckyGoLucky

Yes it's mountain biking, yes they are obsessed!!

It sounds like your DH is using his DS as his proxy for doing what he wants to do rather than spend time with his young child.

[honeylulu]

Sounds like your DH finds family life with a toddler boring and relishes the chance to go and do something more fun. DsS gives him a perfect excuse. It's telling that if if he doesn't go biking it's terribly important suddenly to go into work.

To be honest a lot of men find the toddler years hard and dull. Mothers too sometimes but we have much less chance to opt out and we're more likely to prioritise the children. My own husband who is generally a decent sort, had a habit of finding Important DIY jobs to do at the weekend and would check out of family life to potter back and forth to B&Q and act all affronted if I complained because he was doing something for OUR house/ family. I have cracked down on that, quite successfully, by teaching myself DIY and doing the same. No, he didn't like it when I checked out of family life for a day because I was painting the gates and fence!

All I can suggest is that you start going out and leaving him with toddler because there's a hobby or something you want to do. He can't complain really because toddler is half his and he gets lots of fun time - it's kind of irrelevant that is with dss. I know what you'd prefer is family time with you all together but this might be a way if working towards that. I'm sure your husband will realise he would prefer time with toddler if you are there too.

[ejhhhhh]

Yes I agree @Seemssounfair. I'm not sure you can expect your DSS to join in with an activity that's appropriate for a toddler very often. I don't see that ending well tbh, and will probably just result in a sulky DSS.

[Hankunamatata]

OP they could easily do less challenging bike rides and have toddler dc on back of dads bike.

In a separate note you could get him to try a bmx track if it's near as toddler dc could use a strider bike.

[ejhhhhh]

I'd basically accept that one day at the weekend is dominated by DSS activity, but insist that the other day is either a family day, or a day when you have time to yourself and your DH gas your toddler, whichever you prefer. That way your DH isn't getting out of parenting your youngest at the weekend.

[ejhhhhh]

*gets

[BendingSpoons]

Your DH is not treating his younger child (or you) fairly. The fact he works if not cycling suggests he doesn't want to do toddler activities.

It's not difficult to make a plan e.g. we're taking toddler to the park/pool etc this morning. We can go cycling after lunch if you want. Or one day of cycling per weekend.

[Briony123]

My older brother was very good at a sport so I spent my childhood being dragged along to that most Saturday afternoons and all day Sundays (a very long-winded sport!). Can't you all go? Toddlers with older siblings do tend to get "dragged up" as they say, they usually turn out to be a lot of fun as they grow up!

[Abouttimemum]

All weekend every weekend? Nope, that needs to stop.

I have a toddler and we don’t do ‘toddler activities’ we just go out together as a family and do whatever we want to do as adults generally. Your DH needs to sort it out.

[spongedog]

I think you need to be making your own plans for the weekend. Give notice, and eg "DH I am going out with my mum on Saturday. You have the toddler. Thanks". And he replies that he will be out on activity with DSS, smile sweetly and say - that's fine you'll have to fit the child seat on. I'm out and it is not suitable for toddler to attend.

Repeat.

[ElizaDarcysDeeds]

Your DH is the problem because when he's not with DSS doing the activity at the weekend, he goes in to work. He's avoiding spending time with you and the toddler at the weekend.

That's how you need to approach it. It's not about DSS - because using that as the focus will lead to an argument about DSS.
You need to sit with a calendar and get your DH to commit to a day each weekend when he will be with you and the toddler. You don't need to schedule in what will happen. It's the time that's important.

Then if it's an activity where DSS could come along, you can invite him too. But don't make DSS the focus of this. He is not the problem.

[JasonMomoasgirlfriend]

I see trouble ahead.

Your husband is a selfish arse who has no interest in doing anything with you or your child.

[Summerfun54321]

Both me and my DH would rather be out on our bikes all weekend rather than looking after our toddler 😂 absolutely no bloody way would either of us even ask to go out BOTH weekend days MOST weekends on our bikes and not parent our toddler?! Most bike riders with toddlers do a morning ride or maximum day ride every now and often, your DH is really taking the piss and using his DS as an excuse.

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

@KingdomScrolls

The fact he goes to work when he doesn't need to when he's not out cycling, and otherwise he's doing a very flexible hobby all weekend most weekends gives you your answer. He doesn't want to do things with you and the toddler, that's the actual problem.

Agree

[Tinkerbellfluffyboots79]

So you can’t plan anything or do anything without him any weekend or even do anything with him and dss? It’s not much life really is it. Your dh is patenting one child or perhaps indulging one and totally ignoring his own other child.

Yes doing things ‘toddlers’ enjoy can be tedious at times, but I loved watching mine experience new things and their delight in playing or being in the sea or just playing with me in the garden. I have 4 and I still enjoyed that when my youngest was a toddler even though I’d done it 3 times already. They are my child not a random off the street. Your dh needs to step up. Split his time equally and fairly between his family nor just suit himself and his older child. Clearly it’s a shared hobby so it’s a brilliant excuse just to deck off all weekend and leave you to it! I’d be fed up too. I am a single parent so I have my 4 kids, 3 weekends in a tow due to ex shifts and I have large age gaps so it wasn’t always easy to entertain everyone but we took turns going places or doing things so that everyone got something out of it.

Sit him down and be firm op. Likely he feels guilty over dss and the split but he’s being a bit of a twat prioritising one child and ignoring another and his wife. You could be doing things too at a weekend, out with friends etc

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

My DH can be a bit like this, not just with SDC but generally. Because he and I are married and live together, I think he takes for granted the time we spend together. We don't spend much time together at all in the home, we don't even watch tv together at all in an evening, but because we live in the same house thinks we are always together. So he'll make time to see other people and do things whether it be his DC or his friends but he rarely sets aside time for us.

Now we have a baby and I imagine he may be similar as he separated from ex partner when his other DC were young and so didn't live with them for long but our baby lives with us so he probably won't feel he has to make an effort.

Some of his family visited during his leave after baby was born and I had to point out that he was making plans with them and others for over half his leave when surely the point of paternity leave was to be with us. He was treating it like a holiday and making plans to see friends and family away from home!

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

The point is that he may feel he should indulge DSS more because he doesn't live with you. Even though he sees him a lot he may feel he has to overcompensate. A lot of dads have that guilt or Disney dad instinct when they have second families.

[Dishwashersaurous]

So you need to discuss that he won't spend time with you.

One book an activity for your toddler at the weekend, swimming, football whatever, and tell your partner he is taking him. Then go out and do something.

Book activities for you all to do, lunch, swimming etc.

[aSofaNearYou]

YANBU at all, your husband is being very selfish.

[UnbeatenMum]

We also have a toddler and an older secondary age child (and one in the middle). It sounds like great fun to spend most of the weekend doing an activity with the eldest but not really fair on the other parent. We split up the time so we both have a break on our own then the rest of the time is family time or one of us will do something with one or both of the older children, but not always the same parent. Our toddler isn't in childcare yet though, I guess if I got a break in the week I might not need one at the weekend but I would still expect DH to spend some time with him, otherwise they wouldn't have a relationship.

[ejhhhhh]

Yes, having read the updates, your DP is conveniently using your DSS as an excuse not to parent your toddler (which is not very fair on your DSS, DC, or you). It sounds like if your DSS wasn't in the picture, the excuse would be work/his hobby/whatever. You have a bit of a problem there with your DP, I agree you need to make yourself unavailable for part of the weekend, to force the issue. It sounds like even if you plan a family activity, your DH will find a way to get out of it.

[Droite]

The fact that your husband disappears to work if he's not out with DSS says it all. You need to lay it on the line - his relationship with your toddler is as important as his relationship with his son, bike riding is to be limited to one day per weekend and he makes sure there is family time the second day.

[Dontbeme]

On the rare occasion DSS doesn't want to go both days, DH often goes into work! He works for himself

What happens when your DH goes into work then, does your DSS go home or are you expected to sit home with him? It seems like your DH likes the fun aspects of parenting and expects you to do the grunt work.

Maybe ask him straight how he is going to spend full days cycling with DSS while having contact time with toddler when his second marriage ends?

[HalzTangz]

I think you need to insist on a compromise, one day cycling with DSS, one day doing something for the toddler