To say DH should ALWAYS do what DSS wants at weekend?

[LuckyGoLucky]

I have 1 DSS who is middle secondary aged and me and DH have toddler together.

We live very close by to his Mum so as he's gotten older contact is not very strict at all, we always help the other out if one parent has plans but other than that DSS basically comes whenever he likes and often stays more here than he does with his Mum. We all get on and he often rings me and asks me to pick him up from school to come back to ours etc so it's really not a case of he's barely here or I resent him being around or ANYTHING like that, honestly that couldn't be further from the truth he is always welcome and knows it.

Anyway, for the past year he's taken up an activity at the weekend that he likes to do and he asks DH to do with him every weekend. It's not a scheduled club or anything, they just go and do it together and are often out all day.

It's gotten to the point now where if I suggest we do anything with toddler, all together he asks DSS if he'd prefer to do that or go to do this activity. If he says he'd prefer to do the activity it's almost like a shrug from DH as in "well what can I do, I'll have to go with DSS" and I end up doing most things alone with our toddler so that actually get out of the house at weekends.

I was thinking if speaking to DH about this tonight and basically saying we can't always allow every weekend to be dominated by this and whilst I appreciate DSS wants to do this with his Dad, he does also need to spend some weekends with me and toddler as well.

I am more than happy for this activity to be done together frequently, I just don't think it should be an option every single weekend and he gets to essentially refuse DH doing anything else.

It's absolutely a DH problem, I understand that. AIBU?

[Itsnotallaboutyoubaby]

@OverByYer

Hmm I’m not sure. If you had 2 children together and 1 of those had a particular interest/ hobby wouldn’t that be a priority in the weekend?
One of mine was particularly good at a sport that involved training on a Saturday, a game in a Sunday so our weekend used to revolve around that.

Not here it wouldn’t. That doesn’t sound very fair to the other sibling in my opinion.

[ElephantOfRisk]

There is a bike seat attachment for a mountain bike so that he can take toddler too - he should get one of those.

Then limit it to a half day on a weekend and one evening per week.

Once a month or so they can do a whole day on their own and You can also have one day every month when you do an all day activity together.

[Embroidery]

Tell him hes about to have a second broken marriage at this rate.

[Dixiechickonhols]

You need to speak to him. I suspect you making plans without toddler every other weekend would bring matters to a head.

[Chloemol]

Well get a child seat and he can take the toddler with him normal road cycling

DH needs to understand he has two children and should be spending time with both

Personally I would get up on a Saturday, tell dh I am going out for the day and leave him in charge. At least twice a month

[CaddieDawg]

What's the rest of the relationship like, does he do equal share of bedtimes/cooking etc or expect you to do it all or the bits he doesn't enjoy?

Is your toddler a girl? Does he ever spend 1 on 1 time with them?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

For me this is absolutely a hill to die on. A row to be had if necessary. Balance and boundaries required for it is not normal for him to spend so much time with his eldest snd none with his wife and youngest. What the hell message does he think he’s sending to your child, your dss and you by ending your dss in this way? He sounds weak and a bore.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

*enabling your dss

[victoriaspongecake]

I think it’s great that a teenager WANTS to do things with his dad. Leave them be. It won’t last forever. You can’t expect a 13 year older to want to do toddler things.
Better to be out on bikes with his dad than hanging round the streets causing trouble or sitting playing on a PlayStation all day.

[SeaToSki]

If you arent able to have a straight up conversation with DH about this (and have him stick to agreements) … run around the problem

Can you arrange with DSS to cycle every Sat morning with a group of buddies, no grownups allowed? Dont involve DH in the conversation or making arrangements, in fact if DSS needs to be driven to the biking location, you do it (DH I just want some time to chat with DSS, you stay home and look after toddler while I take DSS). And stop to run errands on the way home.

Then he can bike with DSS on the Sunday

[Dixiechickonhols]

It’s a massive age gap and hard to find stuff you all like. I suspect there’s a big element of been there done that for DH. He’s already done the park, feeding dicks with dss he’s moved on. It’s much more interesting and easier to do fun hobby with teen. Not excusing him obviously he’s chosen to start again but wouldn’t appeal to me. You do mentally move on.

[Plumtree391]

I understand how you feel up to a point, op, but if bike riding takes up one day out of the weekend, there is another day for him not to do it.

In time your stepson will be doing things without his dad and your toddler will be wanting more of his dad's time (maybe cycling too :-) ).

It's a very healthy and wholesome activity, I wish I had done it! At least you don't have both of them with you all day for one day out of the weekend. There are plenty of MN stepmum posters who get fed up with a stepchild spending all weekend with them!

Just make the most of the other day. This won't last forever.

[dottiedodah]

I would say to DH /DSS as well ,that you love have him here ,he is welcome to go cycling with DSS either EOW or sat /sun mornings whatever . He will most likely make up excuses Im afraid .Often men in second marriages seem to bend over backwards to accomodate their older DC .sometimes from a guilt complex, or maybe just wanting to have a bonding session with a young little mate! As far as working WE this is a big NO NO! I would think about getting tickets for the Cinema /Zoo whatever for all 4 of you if you can .Make it an annual pass if you can afford to .Then they have no excuses not to come!

[EdgeOfTheSky]

YANBU.

I would talk to your DH about this, but leave out DSS.

Say you feel lonely and alone parenting your toddler solo for the bulk of the weekend.

That you are sad to see the toddler years pass by without DH being involved in his child’s weekend family time. Days to zoos, farms, the toddler’s delight and development all with DH not on the photos. Not in the memories.

And tell him frankly that he is neglecting the relationship with his toddler in favour of cycling and work.

But don’t blame the DSS. He is doing nothing wrong: his Dad asks him, he gives an honest answer. It isn’t his job to manage up wrt his Dad’s parenting.

[Plumtree391]

PS: It's also obvious to me that cycling is something about which your husband is enthusiastic, it's his hobby too otherwise he wouldn't do it. No doubt he looks forward to one day a week doing his thing.

Make sure you can follow an interest regularly, maybe leaving your husband and toddler on their own a couple of evenings a week to do whatever you choose.

Good luck.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Reading your update about how he’d rather work than spend time with you and toddler the step son stuff is just a convenient excuse.
It’s not going to magically improve. Presumably he wanted a second DC I’d start there. Why did you want a baby if you never want to do anything with it.

[Ozanj]

If he won’t do anything with toddler then you need to stop faciliating his contact with stepson. Your dP can’t have it both ways

[Dishwashersaurous]

Just have a conversation.

Eg.

We're going riding.

OK well we'll also be going out for lunch and a stroll by the river, ( or whatever). So be back by 11 to get time to get there

[Dishwashersaurous]

If he says no then be really really blunt.

Why do you not want to spend any time with your wife and child.

Why did you get married and have a baby

[Florasteddy]

@LuckyGoLucky

He's always given a choice, even if I do try and plan anything DH asks DSS what hed prefer to do. If he says riding it's just like that's it then.

I just wish every now and then DH would say well okay DSS but you'll have to see if a friend can go with you then as me and Lucky are going out with toddler today, you're welcome to come with us though.

Based on your explanations, you really aren't unreasonable to discuss this with DH. Sounds to me as though he's avoiding spending time with you and the little one

[Seemssounfair]

Many families have different activities each of their children do that mean the parents end up doing different things over the weekend. It is not that unusual. The problem you have is the children are such different ages the toddler doesnt have a hobby yet you need to take them to so it leaves you with nothing concrete to do.

It is not unreasonable for your dh to want to take his ds out at the weekend maybe one full day or two 1/2 days to regularly purse that interest and also get exercise himself. What you need to do is agree how to carve up your time at the weekends so everyones reasonable needs are met which should include time for you to do things you want to do independently too.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Even blunter is you’ll be having toddler eow when we split because I didn’t envision spending every weekend as a single mum.

[that1970shouse]

It sounds like you do everything for/with the toddler and your DH has zero 1:1 time with the toddler.

Remind DH that he has two children and needs to spend time with the younger one.

Get up early, go out and leave the three of them to enjoy a day together.

[ejhhhhh]

Tbh I think this is just normal life with older kids. We can't really do anything together as a family on a Saturday due to our kids' activities, we take it in turns to take them. When it's not a scheduled activity then yes, your DP and DSS could do something different every now and again, but I don't think it's unreasonable to plan around your DSS's activity, as that's just what happens when your kids have hobbies. And hobbies are definitely preferable to an aimless tween/teenager who spends all day in a grump if they can't spend all day on computer games/online imo, so hobbies ae to be encouraged and supported.

[Tigger85]

Are you close to a trail centre? There's no reason they can't get up early and do a half day if the trail centre is close with occasional full days for further away locations. It shouldn't be both days of the weekend though, your DH shouldn't be choosing to work on the times DSS doesn't want to ride with him. One day should be for riding and one for family activity/toddler activity.