To say DH should ALWAYS do what DSS wants at weekend?

[LuckyGoLucky]

I have 1 DSS who is middle secondary aged and me and DH have toddler together.

We live very close by to his Mum so as he's gotten older contact is not very strict at all, we always help the other out if one parent has plans but other than that DSS basically comes whenever he likes and often stays more here than he does with his Mum. We all get on and he often rings me and asks me to pick him up from school to come back to ours etc so it's really not a case of he's barely here or I resent him being around or ANYTHING like that, honestly that couldn't be further from the truth he is always welcome and knows it.

Anyway, for the past year he's taken up an activity at the weekend that he likes to do and he asks DH to do with him every weekend. It's not a scheduled club or anything, they just go and do it together and are often out all day.

It's gotten to the point now where if I suggest we do anything with toddler, all together he asks DSS if he'd prefer to do that or go to do this activity. If he says he'd prefer to do the activity it's almost like a shrug from DH as in "well what can I do, I'll have to go with DSS" and I end up doing most things alone with our toddler so that actually get out of the house at weekends.

I was thinking if speaking to DH about this tonight and basically saying we can't always allow every weekend to be dominated by this and whilst I appreciate DSS wants to do this with his Dad, he does also need to spend some weekends with me and toddler as well.

I am more than happy for this activity to be done together frequently, I just don't think it should be an option every single weekend and he gets to essentially refuse DH doing anything else.

It's absolutely a DH problem, I understand that. AIBU?

[CanofCant]

I think the fact that DSS is a step child is a bit irrelevant here, contact is frequent and you seem to all get on. The issue is your husband is either favouring spending time with his elder child over his younger child or that he is using his elder child as an excuse to do his own preferred activity and neglect spending time his younger child and wife. He sounds very selfish.

[LuckyGoLucky]

@pinkyredrose

Why can't DSS do the activity on his own? How many hours does it take to do?

He could. He does it with friends too in the holidays when DH is working. He just prefers his Dad to do it with him at weekends and DH never says no.

[CreamFirstThenJamOnTop]

It definitely needs to be balanced. We try really hard to make sure the weekend / family time is balanced so everyone’s needs are met. This inevitably means that we don’t all get to do what we want all the time but we all get a bit of what we want.

[Tal45]

I think DH would rather be bike riding, I find cyclists seem to get really obsessed and become total bores who want to spend all their free time cycling. He's using DSS to cover up the fact it's what he really wants to be doing - he obviously knows what dss is going to say when he asks him. I think using DSS in this way as a scape goat and potentially causing problems between you because of it is really off.

I think you need to put your foot down and say that this is not ok. He has two kids, and just because one likes his preferred hobby doesn't mean he can just abandon the other. He's being extremely selfish and enjoying how he can put it all on DS and make like he's doing it all for him.

[museumum]

I think mountain biking is excellent for teen boys especially with their dads. There are not a lot of things that mid teens and adults can do together like this. I can’t wait till my ds can go with dh. It’s fantastic for teen/dad relationships.

BUT…. you have another child together and that child (and you) need a relationship with dh too.

Starting next week I’d sit down Friday with dh and say “right. When are you and ds’s riding this weekend?” It should be for half of one day (although admittedly in deep winter there won’t be a lot of daylight left after). Your dh needs to spend the rest of the time with his wife and younger child. NO going into work!!!!!

As always with these threads it’s not the cycling that’s the issue. My dh does 8-1ish most Sundays but we have a great family life around that. Sunday lunch, afternoon, Saturday (after I get back from parkrun).

[RantyAunty]

What are you doing while they are gone all weekend?

[Lettitbee]

Your DH is using this as an excuse to do his own hobby whenever he fancies. It's great that he and his son have something they enjoy doing together but it's not a reason to opt out of parenting your younger child.

[Greeneyedminx]

Why don’t you plan something with one of your friends and leave DH to look after both children one day every weekend for a few weeks??? He will soon find out how much fun you have every weekend then !!!
Nip it in the bud now... your plans are of equal importance.
You’re supposed to be a family, about time you and your other child is included in this relationship!!

[Subbaxeo]

You sound such a lovely step parent. It’s not unreasonable to spend time with his older son as long as he makes time for you and his younger son too. That’s a no brainer. Could you schedule something on a more formal basis that works for you all. Your ss is old enough to understand how compromises work and your dh certainly is.

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

Is the toddler a girl?

[GrandmaSteglitszch]

I spend every weekend alone with toddler at the moment.

Does DH realise that?

You have to tell DH that you and toddler want time with him too.
DH has to stop giving DSS the choice every time.

The problem is DH not making time for you and toddler. Tackle this with him.

[Auroreforet]

@Greeneyedminx

Why don’t you plan something with one of your friends and leave DH to look after both children one day every weekend for a few weeks??? He will soon find out how much fun you have every weekend then !!!
Nip it in the bud now... your plans are of equal importance.
You’re supposed to be a family, about time you and your other child is included in this relationship!!

This^^
It's not just his toddler he's neglecting it's you too.
I would be telling him that 2 weekends a month are for you and toddler with dss included if he wishes.

[MrsToadflax]

I would start booking some activities for yourself and telling DH he needs to look after toddler while you're out. It's not right that's he's off doing what he enjoys every weekend and you're left on your own with a toddler. Don't always be available. Don't always be sat at home waiting. It should be an equal partnership.

I would also be straight with DH and say 'It feels like you don't want to spend time with me and DS. For our relationship to work you need to balance your time better and some weekends I'd like to go out as a family. I'm struggling being at home alone with toddler every weekend.'

[Duvetflower]

It's absolutely nothing to do with DSS. Your DH wants to opt out of family life and go cycling all weekend and is using your DSS as an excuse.
Next time he tries it you say, 'Oh sorry Alfie I'm afraid your Dad has already planned to go for a walk with me and Elsie this afternoon so you'll have to go cycling tomorrow'

I'd also recommend making weekend plans of your own and leaving him with the toddler.

[GrandmaSteglitszch]

I disagree with making it about care of the toddler, by OP arranging to go out on her own.
It's about DH not making time for his wife.

[chipsandgin]

It sounds like he’s doing it because it’s what he wants to do - not because of his DS. It’s harder to judge as he’s not like most MAMIL cyclists who are just plain self-centred thoughtless pricks - it’s more complicated if he’s (theoretically) being a good Dad to his eldest at the same time.

However, behind that I’d presume selfishness is driving this hobby & that he finds spending family time and time with a toddler tedious and he’d rather choose to do something else!? No answers sorry OP, but I’d maybe shift your perspective completely from having a DSS issue to a DH one?

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

YANBU at all.

I can see how its happened, its always easier to agree to do something with a child when you enjoy that activity yourself. My husband tends to default to spending time with our older child as they enjoy playing the same card game as our youngest is too young. But it's not fair on the younger ones.

It's not fair on you having to parent a toddler solo when he is essentially out doing a hobby - most people would prefer to be out doing their hobby

It's not fair on your toddler who doesnt spend much time with their dad and sees their step brother spending a lot of time with their dad. They will soon be at the age where they notice this

It's not fair that he is out with his son or goes into work and doesnt seem to want to prioritise seeing you

And it's not fair on your step son, giving him that much power to dictate how the whole family spend their entire weekend is not going to do him any favours in the long run.

Surely there is a compromise to be made, you're not being mean and saying they can never do it, but they can stick to a morning or afternoon once a week

[mickeysminnie]

@KingdomScrolls

The fact he goes to work when he doesn't need to when he's not out cycling, and otherwise he's doing a very flexible hobby all weekend most weekends gives you your answer. He doesn't want to do things with you and the toddler, that's the actual problem.

This is the problem.

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

@KingdomScrolls

The fact he goes to work when he doesn't need to when he's not out cycling, and otherwise he's doing a very flexible hobby all weekend most weekends gives you your answer. He doesn't want to do things with you and the toddler, that's the actual problem.

I think this too. Doing something with DSS is at least partially an excuse to get out of family/toddler time.

[Lorw]

So basically you’re doing the majority of the parenting of your toddler and he just opts out? Do you do most of the wife work too? You 100% have a DH problem and you need to put your foot down. Parenting should be 50/50 and that’s not even taking into consideration that he should be spending time with both children.

[BurningBright7]

Is it possible to buy a toddler buggy attachment for your husband’s bike and ask him on some weekends to take his toddler son along too? You can then do your walk in another area and get some time to recharge and he can bond with Both his children.

[Dozer]

DH is being U! He’s taking more than his fair share of leisure time.

He ‘owes’ you a lot of time for you to do leisure activities of your choice, without him and and DC!

[Agapornis]

There are child seats for mountain bikes?

[NoSquirrels]

Your DH finds small children much more boring and hard work and so he’s “asking” DSS so he doesn’t look like the bad guy and lazy bastard.

Have you posted about him before? The teenage step-child, plus working for himself or always bring ‘busy’ with stuff rather than spend family time at weekends with his youngest child seems familiar.

Granted, there are a lot of them around. And they all bloody cycle.

[PheonixGlitterRepublic]

It’s completely unacceptable. I would allow one full day a weekend and the other day he would have to be available. Every other weekend I would leave the toddler with him and go out and the other we would spend the day together. He is completely taking the p and conveniently blaming it on DS.