To just want a normal, happy family life

[Dogdaysarenotover]

Where you all wake up together and tickle and hug in bed, have nice breakfasts and dinners..do you have this?
Since Dd, 3 came along, Dp and I have drifted apart more and more, we both love her so very much, but somethings happened between us and I’m not sure it will ever come back.
Currently lay in bed crying on a sunny day after another toxic exchange by text (don’t argue in front of Dd) we can’t even seem to have a conversation easily these days
I just want a happy, simple family life, especially for DD’s sake. Would I be happier alone?
Do you all have this? It’s not asking a lot is it?

I’m sorry you’re sad. But your question is awkward. Of course people have happy family lives. And of course you’re not unreasonable to want it. However it’s a generalisation isn’t it

Can you explain more about the issues you are both facing?

Sorry you are feeling this way x.
What are you always falling out about? Life changes so much when you have kids and everything in life seems to be about them rather than you both as a couple.
Maybe you both need to reconnect by spending time together alone, not just in front of the tv when she is in bed but something else. A walk together, meal out etc. Do you ever do anything like that? X

One thing to remember is that even those who loves appear as you want them (lovely meals and laughing family days out etc) have days that are shit, everyone argues, everyone has problems so try not to believe the Instagram facade. I’m not saying that those happy images aren’t happy but they aren’t the full story, next week that smiling happy child will be chucking peas on the floor coz they don’t want to eat them or the dad will have fucked off golfing or the mum be overwhelmed juggling with her job, housework and childcare.

Just take it a little at a time - try and create one of those memories that you want, it will be a little contrived at first.

I’m not even sure what we argue about, we just can’t seem to communicate, he seems defensive and stressy to me, can’t have much of a laugh anymore, he says U.K. stubborn and have to have the last word. It’s an awkward atmosphere and I’m just more relaxed when he’s not here. He’s just had a week off on holiday, I tried so hard to make it nice, days out, tried not to argue etc, we had a couple of nice days when he was happy and then a huge row yesterday. It’s always so dramatic and over the top. Currently Dd sleeps in the bed whilst doing up her bedroom, we never all wake up together and cuddle, he just gets up or sleeps on the sofa.

*I’m stubborn, not U.K. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just want a happy, simple family life, especially for DD’s sake. Would I be happier alone?

1. Bear in mind, as BrieAndChill has pointed out, that family life is hard for everyone and the instagrammable life isn't the full story. It's very hard for couples with young children and your communication will suffer.
2. But, that said, if your OH is making literally no attempt to communicate with you in a respectful and supportive way then maybe you would be happier alone. It's very liberating to admit that sometimes well, often relationships don't survive children and you are often better cutting your losses. Being a single parent is much much better than most people recognise and being miserably yoked together "for the sake of the children" will make everyone unhappy.

I wouldn't make any decisions just yet. But know that if you have to leave you will probably be happier for it.

@thepeopleversuswork I know Instagram isn’t always the real story, but surely there’s some connection between them, I feel like we hate each other

Therapy? Obvs you are both unhappy and not communicating it with each other so it might be good to have a third party help you to get to the bottom of it.

@Excelthetube Is it expensive?

[quote Dogdaysarenotover]@thepeopleversuswork I know Instagram isn’t always the real story, but surely there’s some connection between them, I feel like we hate each other[/quote]
If you really do feel you hate one another you are probably better cutting your losses. It's no way to live.

You and your children will be far happier without the burden of trying to be the glue on a failed marriage.

I know its easier said than done and is painful to get through the initial part. But it will probably be a huge relief tbh.

[quote Dogdaysarenotover]@Excelthetube Is it expensive?[/quote]
Cheaper than divorce and being a single-parent household.

I don't know the intricacies of your own situation but those lovely special moments are generally few and far between...most of the time there's a lot of drudgery and tiredness. There's a middle ground between abject misery and a perfect, magical life. Hope you can find it

You lost me at having a 'tickle', I can't imagine anything worse.

@Dogdaysarenotover it can be reasonable. You need to find the right person. Anything between 40-100£ p/h

But as @MaskingForIt says. Cheaper and less stressful than the alternatives!

Having had therapy I would live off pasta and give up my tv contract to be able to go, if money was tight.

Obviously he has to be on the same page, and why I have seen is (some) men can be very anti it, they see it as a weakness.

So gentle persuasion might work best.

Plumtree, thats helpful

YANBU to want this. Yes me and DP have this at the moment- things are good

You might be able to get the good times back

[quote Dogdaysarenotover]@Excelthetube Is it expensive?[/quote]
Cheaper than a divorce.

The book how not to hate your husband after a child is also good for you to both read.

I have a very happy and simple family life
Actually feel blissfully happy as a I write this

I’m a single mum
I’m cooking early dinner and then settling down to a family film
DS1 reading
DD1 helping

Happy family life isn’t necessarily the “image” of husband, wife, child (ren)

In fact as far as I can tell on the relationships board, so many are living in bloody awful marriages

But I suppose from the outside…

Without more Details it's difficult to say

What are the sticking points?

Couples generally argue about the same things in a never ending cycle unless one or both persons can tackle the issues.

Where you all wake up together and tickle and hug in bed, have nice breakfasts and dinners..

This does sound like the sort of thing people post on social media, or an advert for fabric conditioner, rather than what happens in most people's day to day lives.

Try not to compare your life to what you see of others because other people always try to present their lives as idyllic.

Does he know what you want? Are you silently longing for it, thinking it should just happen instinctively because it's your idea of normal? It might not be his idea or experience of normal.

I think you need to sit down with him and say you need his opinion on something. (Don't say you need to talk or you need to discuss your relationship - he might make excuses not to sit down.) Start with the positives - that it's clear you both love DD and in that sense you are both great parents, but that you really want to have more fun as a family.

I had to really push for this when DC were small. I basically had to re-organise how we lived and coax DH into trying it out as we were so grumpy and tired. It really worked. We decided to break down the weekend into chunks of time Friday evening, Saturday morning, afternoon, evening and same on Sunday. That's seven blocks of time. We made sure we spent one chunk of time each alone doing whatever we wanted while the other one of us cared for DC. Then one chunk together as a couple while we got a babysitter and did something fun together. We spent two as a family doing fun stuff - a day or half day outing or having friends with young DC over. And then two final chunks working together as a family or separately to get the boring stuff done - shopping, cooking, cleaning, admin etc. That meant that we each had a few hours to ourselves, a few hours together and a few hours as a family. It massively improved how we got on together. The tiredness and resentment lessened.

Leaves. Great ideas

You need to communicate. Tell him you need to have a proper talk without your daughter around. Find out what he wants out of it and tell him what you want. See if you can find some common ground to start building from. Clearly you can't continue the way it is it's no life for anyone and could be damaging for your child. You don't want her thinking this is how a normal relationship is

If communication is your problem please consider marriage counselling such as Relate x