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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to expect our new lodger not to bring home gangs late at night???

44 replies

fitfox · 01/12/2007 10:36

We have a new lodger, male aged 24, very nice and easy to get along with, great with kids etc.

He's been here just 12 days and last night I was just going to bed (in my nightie at 10.45pm) and was slightly alarmed to be confronted on the landing my new lodger and three friends, all worse for wear, returning from a pub, creeping up to his room (which is directly above our bedroom).

To be fair his friends did try very hard to be quiet but come midnight all I could hear was feet above me, doors opening and shutting and the lodgers little gang trooping up and down the stairs to have a smoke in the front garden (plus front door banging shut several times)

AIBU to be a bit taken aback?

Previous lodgers have of course had friend's over, but no sozzled groups late at night ....

I told him this morning that it kept me awake and woke up DS1 as well and he's apologised and said he won't invite people back again lateat night. The group were the four managers from his workplace and they were all a bit drunk.

I don't think there will be a repeat but I am just wondering, AIBU - after all its his home too?

The only groundrules I have set is:

Rent on time
No smoking in the house
No outdoor shoes on in the house
Quiet consideraion late at night

To their credit they did go outside to smoke, but I noticed they did all keep their muddy shoes on (which explains the noise too)

Views very welcome - thanks

OP posts:

Santasmissyontheside · 01/12/2007 10:52

not unreasonable!! thats bit inconsiderate if you ask me. have you said anything?

fairydust · 01/12/2007 10:55

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time it could be a early xmas drink sort of thing

AnneMayesR · 01/12/2007 11:05

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. He may be renting a room but it is your house!!

We had a lodger that used to do this. He was my dh's younger twattish brother. I have 3 little ones and he used to bring his mates who I didn't know into the house all the time all day without giving any kind of notice or anything. I would come out of the loo and their would be 3 or 4 strange lads standing on the landing. To me that is total disrespect. I told him to knock it off and he ignored me and kept it up. I asked him to leave and he refused. BIL and DH agreed that I was being unreasonable and told me that BIL has more rights as a lodger than I did as the owner and mortgage payer. I made his life a misery until he left.

Just make sure you lay some ground rules and and stay firm. Nobody has the right to bring strangers into your house unannounced.

Original poster

fitfox · 01/12/2007 11:05

Yes I told him it keep me awake and he's said he won't bring people home late at night again.

I just want to be clear that I am being reasonalbe IYKWIM

OP posts:

Mossy · 01/12/2007 11:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, although from his point of view I think he probably thought he was trying his best to be quiet.

Perhaps suggest to him that if he is planning to do it again, he just ask you in advance out of courtesy, do a better job of keeping the noise down (and take off those muddy boots)?

fortyplus · 01/12/2007 11:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you should allow him to bring friends back as long as he's told you beforehand, not just come back late with a bunch of drunken mates.

MrsSlocomb · 01/12/2007 11:48

yanbu, however, he is young and therefore doesn't know much and he hasn't been with you for long.
At that age I wouldn't have been much aware of anybody else's needs.
It's so tricky sharing your home with someone though. It sounds like he is a decent chap and wants to do the right thing. Let's hope he sticks to his word from now on

Rosylily · 01/12/2007 14:31

Must admit I wondered how it would go with him being a young guy. I think you were perfectly reasonable and it sounds like he is keen to please so hopefully it'll be fine.

DeathBySnooSnoo · 01/12/2007 16:58

YANBU-i think it is reasonable to expect him to tell you in advance if he's having friends over.it is your childrens' home as well,he should respect that.

have to say i am a bit at the 'young' references.maybe men grow up faster where i'm from(could have something to do with not being in full-time education untill the age of 21).

bago07 · 01/12/2007 19:30

I think you're being a little bit unreasonable. By the sounds of things they were trying to be considerate by "creeping" up to his room; they did go outside to smoke, they didn't just think f it, she'll never know and you heard footsteps and doors at midnight, not loud music or energetic shgging - and it was a Friday night, which is the weekend - and no male, single 24 yr old is going to realise that being a mum is a full time job and doesn't stop just cos it's Saturday. As you also say, it is his home too now. Perhaps just another house rule needed about taking shoes off?? I think you could have much worse lodgers....

Original poster

fitfox · 01/12/2007 20:46

Our lodger has just arrived home, completely off his head with two other drunken people in tow!!!

My kids are having there dinner in the other room.

I went up to lodger's room and he and his friends are sitting having beers (nothing rong with that in itself, but they are already well gone)

I have had a very stern talk with him and told him he now needs to give me advanced warning if he wants to bring guests home, and is is not to bring any drunken people into the house or any night visitors in future. I told him I felt as though the house is being invaded by drunken strangers - while my kids are asleep in their rooms etc.

I think he "got" it this time

Also told him that he may decide in the longer term that this is not the right house for him, although it is still early days, and that I will be drawing up a written agreemet for him to sign next week, which will refer to having guests back.

Am feeling very with him. He is very drunk so was not in a position to discuss much.

What if we were going on holiday - he'd probaly holda rave here in our absence!!

OP posts:

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 01/12/2007 20:51

I think you need to re think if you want a lodger, He dose sound as if he may be a little to at home.

Original poster

fitfox · 01/12/2007 21:48

Our previous lodgers have been fine. This guy only moved in 12 days ago!!

OP posts:

WendyWeber · 01/12/2007 21:54

God no, YANBU! My own kids have behaved like this and I have gone ballistic - it is your house, he lives by your rules, I would now print out a list in large capital letters and stick it all over the house so there is no confusion.

THIS IS A FAMILY HOUSE WITH SMALL CHILDREN SO:
No friends after a given time (you give it)
Shoes off at the door
Doors closed QUIETLY
NO visitors in your absence
etc
etc

Mind you it is easier to bollock your own children

Any nice quiet middle-aged ladies looking for a room round your way?

DeathBySnooSnoo · 01/12/2007 22:16

er,does he have a drink problem?that takes the piss rather.
my dh behaved better than that when he was living at his dads house when he was a single 22 year old(he has a little brother who was just a baby then),so i dont get all this 'young,single' stuff.he's not 13

i hope you can get it sorted and he sorts himself out or fecks off.

Lazarou · 01/12/2007 22:24

You need to kick this idiot out, now!

Original poster

fitfox · 01/12/2007 23:20

Bump

OP posts:

Rosylily · 02/12/2007 08:47

hmm. He should be sharing with a load of other carefree partying guys if he wants to live like that.

It is still really early days and you are still getting to know each other. Hopefully he will do as he is told! Maybe he wants to be mothered and given boundaries.

Snoosnoo I know we are stereotyping and not all guys in their twenties are the same- it is just more typical. And it would be more typical of a nice granny to live quietly and want to read stories to the children and stuff

MrsSlocomb · 02/12/2007 08:55

snnosnoo, I think your dh is the exception. I have have never met a responsible 20- something male

sfxmum · 02/12/2007 12:01

well he did brake the shoe rule, not to mention bringing extra people home who were drunk to boot.
maybe he needs clearer rules

it would annoy me no doubt but young men not known for being reliable/ sensible

Ineedacleaner · 02/12/2007 12:17

See I can see why you are peed off but I can also see it from the other side too.
We have had lodgers in the past and it is hard. We don't have lodgers now because we have the children and I don't feel that I could have someone in my home living but put thos kind of rules on them if that makes sense. I always wanted my lodgers to feel that this was their home and as such could have people round and pretty much do whatever withing reason of course. I have people over sometimes and yes I know it is my house but should I feel I have to check with my lodger?? What if I am having a dinner party people trooping in and out or up and down to the loo and the lodger had an important meeting/interview the next day??

It is for this reason because I would have to impose rules that didn't matter so much pre-children that I don't do it anymore.

bago07 · 02/12/2007 12:44

Agree with Ineedacleaner.

I said YABU earlier about his Friday night antics, but to do it a 2nd day running is a bit much. Signed written rules in future or a new lodger methinks...

Original poster

fitfox · 02/12/2007 12:49

Hmm good point Ineedacleaner and that is where I am coming from really. I want him to feel this is his home and feel fairly relaxed.

Howevere, what it comes down to is we own this house and he is a lodger and it is not an equal relationship. If I was having a gang of friends over I would mention it to DH and to the lodger if I saw him - out of courtesy. In normal circumstances I would not demand that a lodger mentions it if they are having one or two friends over. Three's a crowd so I would expect them to mention that as a few people create a different dynamic.

However this is differentfrom that even : He brought back a crowd of drunken people at 10.45pm - knowing that we would all be asleep. We have three children including a baby.I spoke to him about the noise it caused (it is very hard for drunk people to be quiet - they were crashing round until midnight) and he promised not to do it again.

The following evening he arrived home with two other people who I can accurately escribe as pissed out of their heads and possibly on something stronger by the looks of their eyes.

I have lived as a lodger in a shared house of young people with the landlord in situ and I would never have bought a group of binge drinkers back.

The fact remains that it is our house and I feel as though it has been invaded by drunken yobs atm. I am going to inspect his room today as he also routinely treats the property with a lack of responsibility.

I am extremely cross abut this - he is morphing before y eyes from a nice young chap into an irresponible yob - I will be watchinh very closely over the next few days.

I have noticd other stuff too: broken blind, pictures knocked off the wall and left on floor, window keys lost, sleeping on our shiny new mattress with no sheets, using bin with no bin liner, our pltes left for days with crusty food in them - general piggery really.

We had two young male lodgers before and had no such problems - I am seeing several signs which indicate a general lack of respect and consideration or other people.

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 02/12/2007 13:07

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fitfox · 02/12/2007 13:24

I know, I know - mattrss is brand new and cost £200!! (Given not bought) - He was using our pillows without covers too - although I had left a sheet and covers and asked several times for him to put them on

Just popped up there to tell him I want to do an inventory later and he's in bed with no clothes on (so presumably he was sleeping on our mattress with no cothes on before). I know I should have done an inventory the day he moved in but I have so little spare time its all been a rush.

Anyhow - lodger agreement is drafted with clear rules. I had originally drafted it so it was quite basic (just common sense) but have now tightened it up a lot (realising my idea of common sense may not be shared by lodger). This has been a learning curve I must say. First two lodgers were fine but this one is a different animal.

OP posts:

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