It is my birthday next week, would a meal in a decent restaurant be too much to hope for?

[frisee]

Affordability is not an issue and my cousin has offered to babysit. We have not been out for an evening together in 2 years - other than a work Christmas do last year.

Swedes - they "shouldn't" have to. In an ideal world, all partners would spontaneously suggest lovely, romantic things to do on the other's birthday. But in the situation where one partner has a clear idea what they want to do, and the other isn't suggesting it, it is less stressful all round if they just come out and say "this is what I'd like to do", rather than expending energy resenting the fact it's not happening.

I am speaking as the wife of a man who just doesn't "get" going out for a meal. He would never choose to do so for his own benefit. But we still have a lovely time when we do it, even if I do have to suggest it myself. No stress involved.

Most people are reasonable when their other half has made the effort. It doesn't really matter that what they planned was not the recipient's ideal day out/evening out. I think it is sad though when people make no effort at all. You can't excuse them that surely?

Ah, but it would never have occurred to me to go away in termtime! It might occur to me to go out for a meal though and I think I have been known to suggest it myself.

I wonder if the OP feels that her dh shows appreciation in other ways though. He may feel that he is helpful and loving in more practical ways.

The fact that it would never have occured to you to go away during termtime makes the gesture from him even better. Imagine if your birthday passed and it was supper and washing up as usual. Even if the washing up was shared usually. Would the wronged half then reciprocate. It is inattentive and horrible imho.

He only does it for the brownie points you know. And to make up for his Terrible Failings in other areas.

Elasticwoman - So even when they get the birthday/anniversary/valentine thing spot on, we can see, but you are still crap the other 362 days in then year. God, I'd hate to be a heterosexual man.

I mean say not see.

Sometimes people just don't see what is, in our eyes, obvious.
I have dropped a million and one hints to DP about what I want for xmas and he was moaning that I'm hard to buy for!
How hard is it to realise that everytime your partner does her hair she says 'I wish I had some really good wet-to-dry straighteners, it takes forver to dry and straighten my hair'
Seriously I've said it about twenty times, I've also told him goodness knows how many times, when he asked what his dad should get his mum, 'Jewellery, something nice, and classy, that can be worn often, diamonds and gold are a good bet, I know if you bought me that I'd be over the moon, and I bet your mum would too'

BUT he still doesn't get it.

Then he tells me he wants tools for xmas and I laughed.

But like he said, tools for him are what he needs to be able to play about with his car properly, it's something he loves to do, so IMO, only get something that isn't particulary 'gifty' if it is related to theur favourite hobby, so for some, cookbooks would be acceptable, whereas for others, a definite no-no.

I'd eitehr tell him I want a meal outright, or say 'Oh, cousin has offered to babysit for us for my bday, we could go out somewhere nice, I'll leave it to you to arrange me something special, I'd love a surprise' then leave the yellow pages open strategically and this page open on the PC, etc.

Failing that, how old are the children?? My 7year old is perfect for getting gift ideas to Daddy without him realising. I'm going to have to tell her the type of watch I want, he keeps asking me about one on an advert which I detest, so just incase, I'll show her one I like instead.

After 17 yrs I have my dh well trained on birthdays. It was mine a couple of weeks ago and he took me to one of AWT's restaurants, bought me an ipod and put a little video on the Ipod of some spacemen singing happy birthday dear mumblechum. Has previously wisked me off to Barcelona etc.

Twas not always thus,tho' and it took several tearful birthdays where I practically had to buy my own card to get to this stage.

mumblechum - getting birthday celebrations wrong should form its own ground for divorce - a sort of graver form of Unreasonable Behaviour. It should also be taken into account when it comes to ancillary relief proceedings. An extension of "compensation and sharing".
Well done for getting your DH trained. You should write a book about how you did it. It would be more popular than potty training or toddler taming manuals.

I do appreciate him really, Swedes! Just didn't want to sound too smug. People have good points and bad points don't they? We all do.

I found throwing a major strop last birthday helped; especially when DD2 asked 'but where are all your other presents?' and I said resentfully well that was up to her and her sister and father, wasn't it.

motherinferior - Nothing like a bit of emotional blackmail when all else fails.

Mr Inferior rang me anxiously during the day, and shuffled home later clutching chocolates and champagne.

TBH I find throwing my own birthday party the best thing. That way lots of people turn up - also clutching chocolates and champagne - and tell me how fabulous you're looking and generally make me feel festive in a way that my fellow inmates of the Inferiority Complex cannot do unaided.

ynbu if he cant make the effort on your birthday when will he

Motherinferior - "fellow inmates of the Inferiority Complex" - love it!

frisee, sounds like you two are stuck in a rut? Sounds like it to me. A night out & a bit of romance may make each of you more in touch with each other and want to spoil each other more-this is what usually happenns to me & DH.Good luck anyway.