Offended about being referred to as a guest

[Ivenamechange]

I don't know if I am or if my mother is?
Basically what the title says.
I referred to mother as a guest in my home today. She was highly offended and said that as my mother she should not be referred to that way and that a friend is a guest etc.
I didn't mean any harm by it I only meant that if you are somebody else other than the people who live in the house I'd class them as a guest. The more I tried to explain this to her, the more offended she got.

Prehaps I was wrong?

Sorry if this isn't worded well, I'm a little upset and can't ask anybody IRL as it will get back to her and I don't want to cause more of an arguement.

[ineedaholidaynow]

What was the contact of your conversation?

@Timelessnonsense I'm sure OP still thinks of her mum as her mum, just in this context she also saw her as a guest in her house

[KrisAkabusi]

In our house you lose guest status after three visits. After that you're expected to do the washing up, clean up after yourself, etc. But you also get to help yourself to the fridge and drinks cabinet, so pluses and minuses!

[readytosell]

It never ceases to amaze me on MN what total and utter non issues people get offended over.

And this is a complete and utter non issue , your DM is being a drama queen and then some.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Actually, if I had a close friend or relative over and someone else phoned me, I wouldn't say 'got to go, I have a guest here', I would say '...my mum / dd / bestie / Valerie / Dave is here'

I did once experience something like this when at someone's house. Their DP, who I knew as well as I did her, arrived home and she called out to him 'lottie from x activity is here'. It really jarred that I wasn't just my name, I was 'acquaintance from x activity' (that none of us had done for a while but had done other, more friend-based things together), which felt very distant and acquaintance-like, almost as if she had to remind him who I was. Of course they might just have known lots of lotties, so I was 'activity lottie', rather than 'school lottie' or something.

[Cadent]

YANBU, she doesn't live there so she is a guest. I'm very close to my mum, she has a key to my house but she is a guest when she comes over.

She is taking 'Mi casa, su casa' a bit literally...

[NeedNewKnees]

My mum got sniffy about the very same thing when I was in my twenties!

[Cadent]

@lottiegarbanzo

Of course they might just have known lots of lotties, so I was 'activity lottie', rather than 'school lottie' or something.

Maybe you just didn't go over to hers a lottie.

[Planty13]

She sounds a bit sensitive but perhaps it’s coming from a good place

I don’t consider my mum a guest in my house really, she knows where everything is and can help herself to anything. She does come here to watch the little ones twice a month though and she likes to busy herself and she puts my washing out and does the dishes they make throughout the day

[lottiegarbanzo]

Ha ha! Also true @Cadent (or may I call you 'Cadent from Mumsnet'?)

[SmileyClare]

I think the word "guest" has positive connotations. A guest is someone you've invited into your home and who is welcome. Presumably you're offering her food and drinks, ensuring she's catered for, therefore she's on the receiving end of your hospitality as a guest.

If you'd referred to her as a "visitor" or old bag then that could be negative.

Probably best not to try and explain the meaning of the word anymore though! Your mum sounds like a difficult guest, this really isn't something for either of you to get upset about.

[TakeYourFinalPosition]

I’m your mum, I am not a guest! You came out of me. If we have a functional, loving enough relationship, being told I am a guest when you are actually my world, would feel a bit alienating.

Why? (Genuinely)

Being a guest doesn’t remove that you were mum… but you’re also a guest, if you’re in a house you don’t live in.

I don’t have parents, but my in-laws are guests when they are here. They’re also still DHs parents and my in-laws…

[soupey1]

She is close family so she is not a guest, i no longer have my parents but they were never guests and my children are not now. They are welcome to help themselves (although I do also offer them Food/drink) and we don’t stand on ceremony.

[IonaLeg]

Totally ridiculous thing for her to be offended over!

[Cadent]

@lottiegarbanzo

Ha ha! Also true *@Cadent* (or may I call you 'Cadent from Mumsnet'?)

That formality would break my heart

[Teawaster]

Funny one . I thought of my parents as guests in my home when they came to visit , although they had to travel a few hundred miles so were not popping in every day . I also thought of my PIL's as guests when they were more frequent visitors . They all made themselves feel at home and fended for themselves at times . However I wouldn't have thought of myself as a guest in my parents home as I grew up there, with them and it was my home . Similarly I can't imagine thinking of my children as guests in my home when they eventually leave and return on visits as it would be always their home . Maybe ask her how she felt when she had her parents or PIL's to visit when she got married. I don't think it follows that if she doesn't think of you as a guest in her home , that the same should be for you , as your home was never hers

[WeAllHaveWings]

She is a guest, but it depends on how you used it, context and tone, if it could be constructed as offensive, or felt like a downgrade from mum or not.

[WetBench]

She is a guest. Unless she has a key and pays rent/mortgage has her own room and lives there half the time then she’s a guest! Or she’s planning on easing her way into living there full time, watch out.

[Killahangilion]

I tend to refer to relatives as visitors or guests.

My mum’s long gone but I can’t imagine she’d get offended if I called her a guest, more likely to split her sides laughing, when I think about it.

FWIW, I love being treated as a special guest when visiting adult DS.

[DadDadDad]

If she's not a guest, she's either an intruder or a housemate. You could try calling her one of those?

[Zilla1]

I suppose some people, presumably including your DM, have clear distinctions between family, guests and visitors. Has she been clear what she prefers in the past. That doesn't mean she hasn't over-reacted. Is she very careful about the words she uses to avoid giving any offence to you?

[SleepingStandingUp]

It depends on the context i guess. What was actually said?

[Sally872]

I can see why an adult child might get upset being called a guest after they have moved out if parents still live in childhood home. But only because at one point they lived there.

If she seems hurt reassure her she is more important than most guests then don't engage any further.

[Marimaur]

Both my mum and MIL say this, albeit a bit more lightheartedly.
It works the other way round - my husband and I are told we’re not ‘guests’ but that it is ‘our’ house too when we stay at theirs. In other words, there are no formalities and we can relax like it’s our own house.

I think it’s the way they were brought up (huge immediate families, no formalities, working class).

[2Rebecca]

To me a guest is anyone who doesn't normally live in the house. If I visit extended family members I'm a guest in their house and vv. I visited my son and his girlfriend recently and was a guest in his house when he was hosting us for meals My dad was hear last week and was a guest in our house. I don't think guest or visitor means anything negative but family members can be visitors and guests if they normally live elsewhere

[SmileyClare]

Or she's planning on easing her way to living there full time, watch out

That made me laugh Did she bring a lot of bags with her Op?