Baby sleep- developmental or can it be trained?

[CurlyT94]

Have a 7.5MO terrible sleeper but I’m just happy to go at his own pace. I have read up a lot about sleep training and read the raving reviews, but I also follow a lot of ‘holistic sleep’ Instagram pages which talk a lot about how sleep is developmental and they will just get it when they get it.
This isn’t an AIBU topic just thought this was the best place for opinions?

Extinction wasn’t a method I felt comfortable with, but for some parents and babies they get more worked up with check-ins and so extinction winds up being the quickest, best option for them. There’s a good dive into the evidence in the book I mentioned up thread but essentially the method you use doesn’t matter, it’s consistency. Extinction, Ferber, disappearing chair... all are equally effective and safe as long as you’re consistent.

I think we can trust parents to decide which is best for their baby :)

@Merryoldgoat I had a similarly heartbreaking experience with controlled crying with my first. I was actually advised to do it after seeking advise on mumsnet many many years ago. I felt that it was wrong for my child but I was basically told that I was being a martyr and that I shouldn’t except my husband to help out if I wouldn’t try sleep training. I should have trusted my instincts. Despite abandoning my attempts to sleep train with controlled crying a free a couple of nights he was hysterical at bedtime for weeks after, he would literally start shaking and clinging on to me as soon as he came out of the bath.
I did have success sleep training him a few months later with gradual retreat with no real crying.
My youngest I could put down awake, she would grizzle for a few minutes and then fall asleep.
Each baby is different and whilst I don’t think mums should be shamed for sleep training neither should they be shamed for not wanting to.

@Merryoldgoat that sounds horrendous and of course you want to be doing that!

@WeatherSystems I didn't realise that was a 'sleep training method' I thought that was known as Cio and was generally frowned upon unless you were really at your wits end.

I sleep trained/encouraged mine (or they were going to be good sleepers and I had nothing to do with it) and it didn't involve screaming, ignoring, vomiting so find it frustrating that when 'sleep training' is mentioned it's assumed that you're a neglectful parent that lets their child do the above.

@Justgettingbye

I was flabbergasted to hear it’s as a thing, then had a bad sleeper so tried the book as soon many recommended it. That was a week that truly haunts me.

In the US it’s recommended from birth by many paediatricians.

@Justgettingbye I think that’s why there shouldn’t be a one size fits all approach to sleep training, because all babies are different and have different needs. My youngest I could sleep train using extinction/CIO because she never really cried in a distressed way, a five minute grizzle at most and then she was asleep. My first was hysterical after being left alone for even a couple of minutes so no sleep training method that involved leaving him alone was right for him but gradual retreat worked really well. It took a few weeks but there were no tears.

My personal view is that it’s mostly developmental and you can’t train a child to sleep, but you can instil good habits which will ensure good sleep hygiene, and that will help a child when they are developmentally ready.

By good sleep habits, I mean a nap schedule which pays attention to wake windows so that your child has adequate day sleep and doesn’t get overtired, and falling asleep on their own in their cot. But this latter one is really hard - some children just won’t be ready for this for a long time, and I don’t think there’s any point in causing distress to a child by trying to get them to do this before they’re ready if they need the comfort and support of being held / fed etc.

I absolutely don’t believe you can train a child to sleep by cry it out / controlled crying. I believe you can train a child out of their natural and biologically normal inclination to call for help when alone and scared, and I believe you can train them to understand that no one comes when they cry so they might as well not bother. I don’t consider either of those to be ‘sleep training’.

I absolutely don’t believe you can train a child to sleep by cry it out / controlled crying. I believe you can train a child out of their natural and biologically normal inclination to call for help when alone and scared, and I believe you can train them to understand that no one comes when they cry so they might as well not bother. I don’t consider either of those to be ‘sleep training’.

People always say this - based usually on the completely dissimilar situation in Romanian orphanages - but I've never heard of a sleep trained child who didn't wake up and cry/shout in the night if they were ill or teething, which makes no sense if they believe that they're alone and no one will come (I also think it's applying adult reasoning to babies).

I couldn't agree more with @3WildOnes - I think everything she's said is spot on. It won't work for all families and no one should be pressured to do it if it doesn't feel right for them but it's a legitimate option if it does.