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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very hacked of with supply teacher for making DS cry over some petty rule...

43 replies

marge2 · 22/11/2007 13:19

At DS's school they let the Reception class out at home time one by one making sure each child has someone to meet them - good move. However yesterday poor DS1 (only 4.4) was coming out of school carrying his coat - I was three feet away but teacher dragged him back saying that 'the rule is that they have to be wearing their coat' He started to cry but I called to him to put his coat on. He was getting more and more upset - I could hear him getting really distraught, and knowing him once he is like that it is hard to get through to him. I was feeling awful for him, but thought OK, he has to follow the rules.

BUT what seriously hacked me off was that then another little boy was let out carrying only a jumper - in his shirt sleeves.

I said 'Hey HE'S not wearing a coat' to which the reply was ' He hasn't got one!' When I pointed out that he had a jumper the teacher just 'humphed'

I can think of two reasons for the rule. 1) to keep them warm 2) To ensure they have everything with them.

Why was my little boy made an example of and made to cry for not 'wearing' his coat, when the other one was let out in shirt sleeves carrying his jumper with no comment made.

Flaming stupid teachers. Glad the usual one is back next week.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 22/11/2007 21:18

4.4 years seems so little to be going through this, though.

I agree with many of the points raised, by honestly. They shouldn't even be at school at that age, imo.

And in fact, they don't even have to be. Reception isn't compulsory.

Hulababy · 22/11/2007 21:20

DD's school has this rule. All children have to have their coat or blazer (depending on time of year/unifrom being worn) and their hat on before they can leave the front porch to meet parents. Any child would be called back to remind them to do it too. I know DD has before now, as have most of the other girls

I am sorry your DS got upset about it all. Does he know and understand the rule. I think I'd have to have a chat with him. Is there any reason why this, which to me is a pretty simple request by the teacher, would have upset him so much?

However once he got upset the teacher could have called you over to him, and let it be relaxed a bit. Compromise at this stage is often a good way I find.

I agree rules should be consistent and the other child should have also been called back. Not sure that it was a great idea to question it and bring it up yourself though - but then I am very non-confrontational about stuff like that myself.

yurt1 · 22/11/2007 21:27

I would just downplay stuff like this
'oh dear never mind, lets go home and get something nice to eat'. The teacher misjudged it, nothing more. And they do have to learn to shrug some stuff off. It just takes time.

If I think the teacher's being a bit of a battleaxe I tend to turn it into a joke. DS2 has had his homework sent home twice now to add extra (he's 5! And I don't particularly agree with homework for 5 year olds) so I've just said to him 'look from now on you know you have to fill the whole space or it will come back again' then laughed about it. Actually his current teacher taught me (!) & I don't remember her being unreasonable. I think you can support your child, whilst teaching them that they've ultimately just got to get on with it and do what's expected.

nametaken · 22/11/2007 22:52

Whatever rule the school has got is irrelevant. Whilst I think the OP is over-reacting I do so agree that if there is a rule for one child then that rule should apply to ALL children and if this doesn't happen then it's not a rule, it's victimisation.

My children always get told off if they wear coloured socks instead of white ones (with trousers btw so you can barely see them) but there are a couple of other children at the school who never get told off for it because, yes, their parents are agressive and confrontational.

Katiekin · 22/11/2007 23:14

They have this rule in our school too and as they reach their parents they all start shedding the coats and jumpers they have been made to put on
However if one teacher was following the rule and the other not that just shows that teachers are human. Some of us follow rules and some don't (like speeding!)
Your child was told to put on his coat by a teacher so he should put on his coat, it is a matter of learning to respect authority.
If a police officer stopped you for speeding and while he was booking you several other cars were speeding past that he didn't stop would you complain to the chief of police?

margoandjerry · 23/11/2007 20:02

Also it may be that the other child had been in trouble all day for minor things and the teacher decided a low-key approach was called for because she didn't want another bust-up with him at teh end of the day.

Or maybe he doesn't have a coat because he lost it and a big fuss had already been made of that that very morning.

Or maybe his parents don't send him to school with a coat because they're not very good parents.

Or maybe the teacher was just doing her best and maybe making a marginal error of judgment like we all make twenty times a day.

AMerryScot · 23/11/2007 20:11

I think the best thing a parent can do in this situation is to support the teacher and not undermine her. So many older kids are a nightmare because they have been brought up to not have respect for teachers.

And supply teachers are real teachers - not an inferior species.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 23/11/2007 20:15

The supply teacher couldn't have known your child that well to anticipate the reaction her request got. I do feel sorry for your DS, though, and for you too as it's never nice to see our children suffer, whether for the "right" or the wrong reason.

SantaBeClausImWorthIt · 23/11/2007 20:25

And it may be that the other child was from a family that couldn't afford a coat - and by shouting out about it the OP has drawn attention to that child.

beeper · 24/11/2007 11:45

GrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr.

(home-educator, be warned)

Schools give children so little room to decide anything. If a child is heading out into the arms of its mother who give a %&*( if its got its coat on or not.

Society wants grown ups that can act independantly and make choices based on how the feel and facts but schools basically micro mange children.

They also make them wear thick jumpers on blazing hot days on school outings.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

YANBU

beeper · 24/11/2007 11:47

Yeah and they bloody ignore the bits like letting them go the bog....AND GIVING THEM A DRINK........(told of on other thread...creeping now for forgiveness)

AMerryScot · 24/11/2007 14:01

4 year olds don't need autonomy. I think a lot of home educators do so because they don't want their children exposed to outside ideas....

/lights touchpaper and runs

lucyellensmum · 26/11/2007 09:56

beeper, i know what you mean about the jumpers - my DDs old secondary school, they were made to wear blazers all year, so if it was COLD - BLAZER UNDER Coat (oops) and then over jumper - how uncomfortable! If it was hot they still had to keep their blazers on - i am talking about in class too. the only time they were allowed to remove them was if the HM deemed it hot enough and a notice would go up in reception. Talk about control freak - the ironic thing is, the children still behaved like animals in the town etc, in fact behaviour became quite an issue i believe. But hey, at least they had their blazers on!

I would love to home educate but i don't think i personally could provide all the stimulus that DD needed. I have every admiration and respect for those that do though

periwinkle · 26/11/2007 10:00

I'd go to the Head and say you weren't very happy with what the supply teacher did.

lucyellensmum · 26/11/2007 10:02

By AMerryScot on Fri 23-Nov-07 20:11:15
I think the best thing a parent can do in this situation is to support the teacher and not undermine her. So many older kids are a nightmare because they have been brought up to not have respect for teachers.

I totally agree about the lack of respect for teachers often coming from the parents. I also agree that it is irrelevant whether or not that this teacher was a supply teacher. I also agree that teachers do a demanding job, in the most part, particularly well.

However, i do not agree that a parent should allow a teacher to treat a child in a way that they do not agree with. That, surely, is undermining the parent!

I do not understand why this thread has turned into a teacher bashing thread. Well i do actually, its just that we are programed not to like teachers aren't we. We are a bit scared of them, from our own school days. I have a friend who's children are friends with her old teachers children - she says she finds it really hard not to call him Sir!

Teachers do a brilliant job, but they can't all be perfect - and i believe the teacher in the OP was wrong.

beeper · 26/11/2007 13:08

Beeper stamps out touch paper....an says...I am not autnomous home edder....

Lucyellens....gosh dont admire home edders most of us are muddling through...parents teach thier children far far more that teachers ever will, home-edding is not just about academics its about a whole round approach to education in the context of life and society...its about teaching right reactions to life as well as maths and english. I find that when emotional issues arose for my DS in school that teachers could not and did not have the time to address these problems effectivly.

Four year olds often get overwhelmed and need a parent to hug and console them and teachers are not allowed to touch children. I think to begin schooling at the age of 7 is much more healthy for the child.

lemonaid · 26/11/2007 13:21

From OP:

He started to cry but I called to him to put his coat on. He was getting more and more upset - I could hear him getting really distraught, and knowing him once he is like that it is hard to get through to him. I was feeling awful for him, but thought OK, he has to follow the rules. BUT what seriously hacked me off was that then another little boy was let out carrying only a jumper - in his shirt sleeves.

Doesn't sound to me as though marge2 was undermining teachers/schools/authority/whoever by letting her DS see that she automatically sided with him versus the teacher.

Sounds to me as though she was making a big effort to ensure that he got the message that he needed to follow rules. And was annoyed that that was undermined by the rule then being ignored by another member of staff.

Complaining to head would be way OTT, though. Feeling a bit miffed and having a moan on Mumsnet is a far more appropriate response.

(I do think it's a silly rule. Coats and other layers of clothing are there to help you achieve a comfortable temperature by regulating what you are wearing and what that is depends on the individual. If we can't even give children responsibility for deciding the simple question of whether they are too hot or too cold, then how do we expect them to learn to make other decisions? That's a separate issue, though.)

clam · 26/11/2007 19:57

"I said 'Hey HE'S not wearing a coat'"
"In the end I barged past into the classroom"
Sorry, Marge2, but teachers spend a lot of time trying to discourage that sort of response from children.

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