AIBU for putting her in her place?

[DrJPuddleDuck]

AIBU to think I got the better of this office bully?

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on. More recently though, I was offered promotion in another company (I believe a company they have admired for a while) to a position more senior than her. Perhaps understandably, I don’t think they liked this. I am currently working my notice period.

Anyhow, around three weeks ago, my manager called me in to discuss an error in my work. It was indeed an error/oversight, which I immediately corrected and apologised for. It didn’t thankfully, but it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble. My manager also informed me that “a colleague” had bought this to his attention. I was hurt by this, as I would have spoken to any one of my colleagues first, not least because it was clearly an oversight that was so easily corrected. I immediately suspected this person, but obviously had no proof, which made me suspicious of all my colleagues and really affected me. I discussed the situation again with my manager last week and said how it was affecting me, as I couldn’t understand why whoever had spoken to him, didn’t just speak to me first. I said I felt like I’d been to thrown under the bus. In response to this, my manager informed me (perhaps inappropriately) that it was the colleague I had suspected originally who had spoken to them. For context, this colleague would never have seen this error if they hadn’t been going through my work, as it was not a piece of work they were involved in.

Yesterday I saw this colleague, who wasn’t expecting to see me (as we often work in different offices). She couldn’t very well turn around and walk out, so sat down, but looked extremely awkward and avoided eye contact with me. We were alone in the office which likely made it worse for her. I asked how she was, and got short responses. I then suddenly got this urge to not let her win and to let her know that I knew what she’d done (very unlike me!!) I said “oh, I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but (manager) let me know that you reported me for X. I just wanted to thank you SO much for letting (manager) know, or otherwise the error might have gone undetected”. She looked horrified, but it felt so good! Not only does she now know that I know, but she also knows our manager (who presumably she was trying to undermine me in front of) has betrayed her trust and it’s not got me in the trouble she was clearly hoping for. She also must have known that I was being passive-aggressive in thanking her, even though I said it smiling. I leave next week and feel like I’ve won the war.

AIBU to feel proud of myself? Part of me thinks I might regret embarrassing her at some point!

[SelkieFly]

I've been bullied at work and it's a nightmare so anything the op did to give her a bit of comfort, I voted yanbu.

have you ever seen derry girls where claire ''dobs in'' one of the other characters and even the nun says ''well, I think it's safe to say we all lost a bit of respect for you there Claire''.

I just cannot imagine going through somebody else's work and then finding a mistake and going not to them but to their manager. That is not normal behavior and the manager must be thinking ''watch your back folks'' even if he's glad the mistake was rectified.

[Imreaaaaady]

You made a mistake. You were in the wrong.

Forget all the suspected jealousy and childishness, mistakes should be reported so they can be rectified. If the mistake would have got you in a lot of trouble, as you'd said, then surely it's right she reported it?

You have possibly got your manager in the shit, who has acted equally as unprofessionally as you.

I think you've made yourself look silly.

[ginoclocksomewhere]

Go you. It's one thing if she had reason to be going through your work, but she was clearly TRYING to get you into trouble, what an absolute cow.

Tbh, if it would get the manager into trouble, that's his own fault- he knew OP was leaving, why should she put up with shit from someone else when she won't have to deal with the consequences?

I think you dealt with it brilliantly.

Good luck in the new job OP!

[Iamthewombat]

machiavelli could have learned from you.

I hope that this was posted in irony. This is about as far from Machiavelli as it gets.

Also, what a fuss over nothing! Does the OP’s life lack drama? Her colleague doesn’t like her. That’s not bullying.

Her colleague dobs the OP in for what the OP admits is a fairly serious mistake. That’s quite snide but may have been justified, we don’t know.

Then the OP does this ludicrous “I’m on to you!” confrontation and comes on here to swank about it as if she were a freedom fighter on behalf of people who have actually been bullied. Putting the world to rights, one person at a time, eh?

[SelkieFly]

ps, I think not standing up for yourself is what makes these types choose you. So by standing up for yourself or shining a light on what she did that will have fortified you a bit for your next job. iT'S all so unconscious but in your next job, at some moment that you would previously have just blown with the wind to avoid conflict at all costs, you will say what you think quicker, or be less apologetic about going against the main grain, or you will shine a light on how somebody is treating you.

I researched this quite obsessively about 3 years ago when a bully was intent on excluding me. After hours and hours and hours of trying to figure it out, shining a light on something really early seems to be the best way to make sure it doesn't happen again.

If you're in your next job and you feel like somebody is going above you and not coming directly to you, don't give them the benefit of the doubt. Say, with one maybe two witnesses, ''Regina, I feel like you're ------------ Is that you're intention?''.

And most likely they will say 'oh no,no'' when put on the spot. Then you must give them the benefit of the doubt! You must say ''oh that's great, I'm so glad that's not your intention!'' and leave it there.

If they don't say ''oh no, no, no'' though that's more difficult. You could say ''I'm going to need to formally address this because this is not how I see things. I will address this with line manager''.

[Straycats]

You all talk about growing a backbone and standing up for yourselves...pft! This is how bullies continue to bully at work and by ops actions she may think twice before doing so to another poor person.
I waited 25 years (bully teacher my then 5 year old) my god it ate away, chance encounter and I said ALL I wanted to, my god I felt good and still do. I had four kids so not precious.

[roseinthedark]

Proud of you for doing that! And understand that you may have been taking her passive aggressive digs for years and not reacted? Perfect timing, perfectly polite and she can’t say that she has been publicly humiliated or anything. Relish it!!! Wish I’d had an opportunity like that with some of my previous workplace bullies!

[Brindisi32]

I can understand why you decided to bite. If you've worked under someone who has undermined you, monitored you excessively, and runs off to the manager instead of talking to you first then it's not surprising that you want to poke back. Yes, your manager was collateral damage in this - maybe they realised what your colleague was doing and dobbed her in?

[CHISistoast]

Why the derisory, self inflated meanness on here? I don't see anything wrong with what you did and you may have stopped her acting inappropriately in future.

[LobotomisedIceSkatingFan]

Ah, here comes the MN hyperbole! How on earth people can conflate this person's behaviour with that of 'a vile bully' 🙄 when the OP says herself she's 'a bit off' and 'can't put her finger on it' is utterly ridiculous. She hasn't described a campaign of unpleasantness, ffs. Dial it down.
The woman probably should have gone to the OP with her concerns, but it was after all a serious mistake. The Op shouldn't have nagged her manager for Deep Throat's identity, and the manager shouldn't have told her. They all sound pretty crap, frankly.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I was in two minds whether to say it was unwise to say who had named her, but then she'd know who she told so the manager had to be the source. Plus you say the manager didn't think she would mind, so that's covered.

Basically it all looks fine on the surface - colleague 1 makes error, colleague 2 raises a concern, error is corrected, colleague 1 thanks 2 for preventing the potential problem. No objective observer could say you were being petty or bitchy. In the unlikely event that she had actually meant to be helpful, you haven't torn her off a strip - you thanked her! Who could object to that? But you know, and she knows you know, that she didn't do it to be helpful. And now perhaps she's outed herself to the manager. This may benefit future victims.

This about being the bigger person is kind of overrated IMO. I believe being the bigger person means you don't sink to the same petty levels. It doesn't mean you look all dignified while they rip you to shreds. You don't fight fire with fire, you fight it with water - but you don't just ignore it, because it will burn you if it isn't tackled.

Er, I think that was a terribly wordy way to say YANBU.

[korawick12345]

@Iamthewombat

machiavelli could have learned from you.

I hope that this was posted in irony. This is about as far from Machiavelli as it gets.

Also, what a fuss over nothing! Does the OP’s life lack drama? Her colleague doesn’t like her. That’s not bullying.

Her colleague dobs the OP in for what the OP admits is a fairly serious mistake. That’s quite snide but may have been justified, we don’t know.

Then the OP does this ludicrous “I’m on to you!” confrontation and comes on here to swank about it as if she were a freedom fighter on behalf of people who have actually been bullied. Putting the world to rights, one person at a time, eh?

This!

There is no evidence of bullying in the OP. I suspect the OP spends far more time thinking about this ‘bully’ than vice verse. Had this ‘bully’ flagged the error to OP the OP would undoubtedly considered that bullying. The whole tone of the OP, the weird revelling in the fact they were in the office together etc makes me think that the other person has little interest in the OP and rather than being ‘put in her place’ her reaction was rather more WTF? The fact that the beginning of the post is trying to establish that the ‘bully’ would somehow be jealous of OP without any evidence of this at all, is just typical of MN where it’s never possible that someone just dislikes you it’s always that they are jealous!

[DrSbaitso]

All these posters cackling and saying how that'll teach the bitch and she'll think twice before being a bitch again in future, the bitch...

What lesson? She flagged up a serious error to the boss. Serious enough for him to need to discuss it with OP. He apparently told OP that he didn't think Bitch, anonymised, would mind OP knowing. And it was such that OP judged she could even plausibly thank Bitch about it. So how badly can this really impact on Bitch in any meaningful way?

What's this lesson? Everyone seems to think Bitch will be so humiliated that OP guessed it was her, even though they clearly hate each other and this obviously isn't the first incident? Why? Because she will be so distressed that OP "knows what she is"? She knows who she is and what she did. If she gave that much of a shit what OP thought of her, they'd have a better relationship!

I mean, enjoy your "thank you for helping me improve" moment if you think it really was some deadly zinger of a parting shot, OP, but I truly can't see what damage she's taken here.

[CokeDrinker]

Doesn't sound like you stood up for yourself at all. It sounds like you cowardly kowtowed to her, to me. You told her if it weren't for her, the error would have gone undetected. Ie she knows she was right to point it out.

You let her win.

Wtf were you thinking?!???

If you said something like "I know you snitched on me to the boss, I guess that's why I got the promotion and you didn't, I am able to communicate with my colleagues without running to the boss", or something similar, you would have had a grand slam dunk win. You would have told her that in addition to being a snitch, she has no people skills, AND would have rubbed your promotion in her face.

You cowardly let her win. That's what you've done. Now she'll be feeling smug. It was a dumb move, and you didn't put her in her place. You thanked her for calling the error to her and bosses attention. You have a very strange and bizarre definition of 'putting someone in their place'. If you capitulating and letting her know she was right is your idea of 'putting her in her place', you may be right. But all you've done is embarrass yourself and thank her.

[CokeDrinker]

I voted YABU because you enabled her to put you in your place.

[AllThatisSolid]

AIBU to feel proud of myself?

No one should ever feel proud of thinking that they've "put someone in their place." It's an odious way of thinking.

[DrSbaitso]

@Iamthewombat

machiavelli could have learned from you.

I hope that this was posted in irony. This is about as far from Machiavelli as it gets.

Also, what a fuss over nothing! Does the OP’s life lack drama? Her colleague doesn’t like her. That’s not bullying.

Her colleague dobs the OP in for what the OP admits is a fairly serious mistake. That’s quite snide but may have been justified, we don’t know.

Then the OP does this ludicrous “I’m on to you!” confrontation and comes on here to swank about it as if she were a freedom fighter on behalf of people who have actually been bullied. Putting the world to rights, one person at a time, eh?

Haha, exactly.

Even if you are "on to her", OP, you're about to leave. If a colleague gave me a coded "I'm on to you" message right before they left, and clearly intended to retain plausible deniability in case I did actually call them on it...not only would I really not be scared (they'll be gone next week!), I'd think they were scared of ME (they'll be gone next week!).

[lljkk]

What OP said was passive aggressive.
I wouldn't be proud of that.
I mean maybe it's a stepping stone to being more assertive, to actually saying "I wish you had spoken to me directly. The mistake would have been fixed sooner and I would not have got in trouble with my boss." and fixed her in the eye that you feel her unspoken agenda was to harm you. Or even directly say "Did you prefer to get me in trouble?"

but ok, maybe it was good as a stepping stone to standing up for self properly.

[UhtredRagnarson]

Being nasty to a stranger on Mumsnet is what's cringe

Totally agree with you. Who was nasty to a stranger on MN?

[WhipperSnapperSteve]

You made a significant, serious error (that could/would have affected promotion, even your new job say) and you're pissed a colleague noticed it? Sure she could've told you but that's her prerogative - as it was a serious error I can understand going to your manager.

Your manager is in deep shit if she goes to HR, and I wouldn't blame her - confidentiality thrown out the window because you're leaving.

[SunIsComing]

The colleague was being a bitch so the OP called her out nicely. Good for you OP.

[wdmtthgcock]

Calling her out on it is fair enough but I don't know why you just didn't say you'd prefer it if she raised errors with you in person before going to the manager in future just as you do with other people.
Now she will think it's ok to sneak to the manager again as you said "Thank you SO much for letting manager know"

[SoupDragon]

Colleague (slightly senior to me) has always been a bit ‘off’ with me, lots of subtle undermining, but nothing I could really put my finger on.

That isn't bullying.

[DrSbaitso]

@SunIsComing

The colleague was being a bitch so the OP called her out nicely. Good for you OP.

But she didn't. She thanked her!

If she had done what some other PPs mention and had an honest and frank discussion with Bitch about it, she would have made it clear that she is unafraid and the braver of the two. As it is, she's just engaged in exactly the same arse-covering to get her perceived swipe in, except OP really did make a mistake and Bitch isn't in any trouble at all.

Either Bitch will take the thanks as genuine and be pleased, or she'll know OP still doesn't dare say what she really thinks to her.

[UpTheJunktion]

So you threw your manager under the bus in turn, and don’t care?

Standing up for yourself is good. Do it directly and clearly, not passive aggressively. You could have said “I assume it was you that spotted Xxx and passed the info on. For reference, in future maybe speak directly to the colleague concerned. Anyway, it’s all sorted now, but I think it is better to be upfront with colleagues.”

So yes, carry in sticking up for yourself, but learn to be direct. People have more respect for those who can be truthful without being aggressive or passive aggressive.