to feel like a failure due to lack of friends/social life?

[emkana]

I've been living in the UK for nine years now. I have one very good friend here who I see about once a month. I have a few other friends who I see regularly during the daytime but hardly ever in the evening (they are too busy). Apart from that I have acquaintances, quite a few. Dh is somebody who is quite happy spending time mainly with his family (me, our children, his brother and parents), if he does socialise then it's work-related and doesn't involve me. We don't know anybody that we socialize with as a couple - there used to be people, but they all moved away - over the last four years or so I have lost about four friends due to them moving away, and the friendship obviously wasn't deep enough to keep up after they moved away.

I feel like such a failure. Back home in Germany I had a large circle of very good friends, and I still see them and we have a great time when I am at home. But here it's just not happening and I don't know why and it makes me quite miserable. I am a SAHM, but I do do things like going to toddler groups/being on the preschool committee etc.

I just have these thoughts that everybody else is having this fantastic social life, dinner parties, the lot.

I just don't know what to do anymore!

Emkana - I could have written this thread. It seems I have no rl friends within 150 miles! I think it is so difficult to move and settle as an adult - I lived in one place my whole life, then relocated a year ago (to Gloucestershire as well, Emkana, whereabouts are you, you might be near me ?). It is difficult as everyone seems 'settled' with friends, and everyone's lives are so busy. I also have a kcackering ft job, so never meet any parents at my daughter's school, and have met very few people who I would like to socialise with at work because it is very male dominated. So, the only people I socialise with are dp's family and friends.

I hope (pray) that everyone having a wonderful social life is a myth! I feel like such a sad misfit!

Have you tried finding Germans to socialize with? They maybe feel abit like you and are having a hard time understanding how the brits tick, you would be able to give them some tips and they'd be eternally gratefull. There is a germans-in-london forum too where you might get in touch with some.

Agree that moving as an adult is hard. I found that work colleagues were always nice, but you knew they had busy lives so didn't want to impose on them too much. We've been here 5 years now and only recently felt like I have friends (rather than acquaintances or work colleagues) in the area.

emkana, I just wanted to add my agreement and understanding. DH and I have no real friends around us. We moved 3 years ago and the only people we know here are our immediate neighbours and the people from our NCT class. It is really hard to move beyond superficial friendships. You are not wierd at all, or a failure in any way.

I really never thought how difficult it would be to make friends. In all the issues I had with relocating (new job, school, finding a house etc) I never actually thought I would have been here over a year and still be billy no-mates!!

I miss my friends coming round and demolishing a bottle of wine, that kind of friendship where you don't have to be on best behaviour (can just sit and gossip and grumble).

emkana, it's really difficult the way modern life is. I lost my friends due to moving within the UK, spending a lot of time doing professional exams and then getting married and having a baby before my friends were at that stage. I really miss my old friends and they are all 100+ miles away now spread all over the place doing all different things. I find it hard to travel with a toddler and being pg so it is really hard to maintain the friendship - my best friend does not really understand as she is in a totally different situation and I sometimes wonder if I will lose contact with her totally

It can be tough - I'm in a very similar position really. I have no-one I can see during the day - but then I don't really get much time anyway! I haven't been out in the evening since little one was born 10 months ago so dinner parties - where???!!!
We did go away for the weekend to see friends last weekend - it looked like we were moving in we had so much stuff!
I agree on the other mums - the only thing in common is the babies, but similarly, when I go and visit my old workplace, I now seem to have nothing in common with them as I've moved on and they haven't changed.
I don't really have any good advice, just letting you know that you are definitely not a failure and not alone in this.

You have us Emkana.. we all like and care about you. Online friends are still friends

Are you East Gloucestershire Em? A German friend here in Oxford has just started up a new NCT group - not too far if you are in the Burford area of Glos.

I could have written this post too. Having a content-to-be-at-home dh and small kids is a lethal combination IME to trying to make new friends. I am just the same. 9 years into life in this village and still settling in! (There are a number of parents at our school who have a very visible, successful dinner party plus exciting outings social life, which doesn't help.)

Have you tried joining a book group. I've been in two and they really help. If you can't find one to join, ask around to see if anyone else wants to join one. You can meet at each others houses, without husbands, and eat chocolate/drink wine as well as chat about a book you've all read. Other people also find that throwing parties - Phoenix cards etc - at home helps, as you can hand out invitations to everyone you have ever met, to see who takes you up. Failing that, you could also try joining a gym/film club/evening class. IME you have to start to get out there and do stuff and you have to try lots of different and quite depressing things, before you find the ones with sympathetic/compatible people in them.

Best of luck.

I think you have to be prepared for a lot of rejection (or perceived rejection, which is a different thing!) It is hard to make friends as you get older, and I have moved at least every 18 months for the past 14 years. I have a hard core of about 4 mates, all of who live at least 5 hours drive away who I try to see every 6 months or so, either with kids, or for girls weekend. Apart from that, we have a few people we see by going to visit them as a family (you do need a lot of stuff, and it is a hassle, but its usually worth it!) For 'dinner party' type people in a new place I think it takes time, and I think the whole book group/Pheonix cards/Virgin Vie things are good, because it gives you an excuse IYSWIM, and people don't feel particularly presurized into saying yes. Some of the girls at my Mums and Toddlers have done this, and now have a group of people they see in evenings occasionally. I would have thought something like a couple of Virgin Vie parties (or similar) and then invite quite a few people round for Xmas drinks with the kids (we did this last year, just did drinks and nibbles and invited about 12 families). About 8 families came, and no one felt too pressure (I hope!!) because it was just a glass of wine and some peanuts, and everyone had an excuse to escape at 7/8ish because of kids. A good halfway house if you are not confident to invite people round to dinner because you don't feel you know them well enough. Put the invite in a Xmas card with a mobile no and email address to make it easy for them to reply. Some people will not turn up, either because its not their scene, or because they have something else on....but I bet others will. It is hard work maintaining a social life though, so I know where you are coming from.

Thank you Shiny

I'm in Gloucester, the city, itself, so Oxford is a bit of a drive unfortunately.

I would agree that it is actually hard work building and maintaining a social life.

My best friend moved from the UK to NZ 3 years ago (sob!) and on our infrequent calls she still bemoans the fact that she misses her friends in the UK.

She has her whole family out there (brother and SIL emigrated before her and her mother and MIL joined the family recently) so all her family are there and yet she is still finding it hard.

And yet I know she works really hard to have an active social life and always has. She has four children and is a SAHM and yet even when they were very young and she was still breastfeeding she always went out at least 1 evening (sometimes more) a week with friends.

When she moved to NZ she posted several notes up at school suggesting a meet up for coffee with anyone interested - quite a few times she ended up sitting on her own but she just kept trying. She also started up her own book club which is still going. she got actively involved in the PTA and her local community and took up evening lessons in interior design (one of her interests).

She now has quite a busy social life (as she likes it) but still misses her good friends from the UK.

Tbh I find just thinking about how much effort she puts in quite exhausting but for her she knows she needs friends so making them and keeping them for her is one of her a top priorities in life. Her dh also prefers his own and his family's company, but that works quite well in that they only rarely need a babysitter (for their couple evenings out).

Hi Emkana, don't worry, its probably just a quiet sort of phase in your life. I am English and live in Ireland in DH's hometown, and at first found it hard to make friends, locals seemed to be very friendly to chat to but then sort of not want to take it any further, which was upsetting. Its because they all have stacks of school friends and family to keep up with. I deal with it by talking constantly to everyone I meet, even if im talking utter drivel, so anyone who IS interested can see I am open to new friends! And the other thing is that I pursue other foreigners for friendship with the zeal of a stalker, and I have to say that as a tactic thats a good one, most of the other women I meet up with are also foreigners and like me, want more friends. I have been a bit shameless about that, I heard a swiss girl had moved nearby so I looked out for her then pounced on her in the doctors surgery and swapped numbers, when she didnt call I re-pounced in the supermarket...sounds deranged, but she was just a bit shy and we are good friends now and go walking together a lot! It is sad when said foreign friends then move back home, but still I like to think I can just enjoy the moments and not be too insular about only making friends with people here permanently, which I think is part of the reason why locals dont make much effort, leading to foreigners often being very isolated....

Oh and we dont have many dinner parties, we like quiet evenings in the week, altho we do sometimes see DH's school friends. TBH I dont really want to be seeing many friends when DH is not working, we dont have much time together anyway, so evenings and weekends we see his family mainly.

Do you know what tho, had I stayed in England I always wanted to join the Women Institute, I always thought that would be loads of fun. Does anyone know, is it? Have you tried joining something, like a choir or sporty group or something?

Come to Ireland and I will hound you until we are friends....

Hey emkana...nothing to do with the op, but your LO is absolutely gorgeous. What a cutie!

Thank you notyummy.

I will keep trying, I think, but it is so hard sometimes and sometimes I think to myself I just want to have the friends here, close, that I know and am comfortable with, not having to work at making new ones.

I never go out in the week - occassionally at the weekend we visit friends and have dinner at theirs - so technically it is a dinner party. I do know lots of Mums and must make an effort to do more during the week. Have not even been out for dinner with DH on our own for about 10 months. In fact - very boring- we are both sitting watching I'm a celebrity and tapping on computers. honestly I am not a total nerd. Just having a nerdy night.

I didn't know anyone in the area when I had ds 2.5 yrs ago so had no friends nearby. I felt really lonely and quite down so decided to try my best to get out and meet people.
I got a list of all the playgroups in my area from the Childrens Information Centre and think I went to every single one at some point or another!
I made a some friends at the playgroups. I actually asked people if they were interested in an evening out and managed to get a group of about 6 of us to meet up one evening.

I met up with a couple of people from here that I found out were living in the same area as me.

I also met up with quite a few people from netmum's meet-a-mum board (hope no one minds me mentioning it but I found it really useful) who then introduced me to other friends etc.
It was quite daunting and felt like I was going on blind dates but I was determined to make some friends!

I now have quite a large circle of friends who I can see during the day with kids, and out in the evenings without so its all been worth it!

You are definitely not a failure. You'll be surprised how many normal, lovely, friendly mums there are out there in exactly the same situation who are just as keen to make friends. Hope I've given you some ideas.

My mum always used to say that the friends you make during school/university were the best you had for the rest of your life. Having said this she and my dad did seem to have parties with people she met later in life (well, mainly through my dad's work).

I have also heard other people from "my county" say it is difficult to get "through" to English people.

When dh and I got married, we had about 40 guests. They were all dh's and my friends/family from our "home country". We did invite some "proper English people" but none turned up...

Thanks for the ideas, I know I have to "put myself out there", but I wish it was all just there, IYSWIM... [sigh]

sorry to be a moany cow

most of my friends are foreigners.

I think it is because nobody in the UK has any time or money!
The SAHM's here in Bayern have the most fabulous social life, they seem to spend about 1 morning per week on housework, and 4 going out with their friends! You see them walking, cycling, sledging or sitting in cafes with friends and children.

I grew up in Britain, and still never managed to have a circle of friends, and I always had the same feeling too, that people had their "circle" and weren't interested in meeting new people. Here, it is much more open and I have met loads of people and been invited, even though I never have any time to socialise.

Coincidentally (or not?) it is the first time I have ever lived in a house that I wouldn't mind inviting people to. All our homes in the UK were grotty and awful. So maybe I was giving off the same vibes as well, of total horror at the thought of having anyone round.

'All our homes in the UK were grotty and awful. So maybe I was giving off the same vibes as well, of total horror at the thought of having anyone round. '

that's an interesting point, nighty.

come to germany, expat!

please stop nightynight, you're making me even more homesick than I was already

you know, nighty, we are seriously considering Europe at present.

my ex H was half-German, half-American but brought up mostly in Germany. he has since moved back with his 'new' wife and is loving it.

i must say, i have more German friends than British .