to get irritated when friends of dh's (either with tiny babies or no babies) bang on about how nursery isn't good for babies and how cms are best when they *know* we use nursery?

[bossykate]

and if iabu, then is it ok for me to loudly bang on about inexperienced parents and their laughable opinions?

Bossykate..touche...

But it does make me wonder if they are highlighting any deep dark doubts you have..?

I have a relative who is like that. She's my cousin's wife, and she has the knack of dismissing as "stupid" many things we do regarding our dd, without actually saying things directly. For instance, they stayed over last summer and she saw my bedtime routine with dd, where I give her her milk on my lap (she's 2) whilst I sing a song or tell her a story. She popped in the room to have a look and smirked, but said nothing. Afterwards during dinner time, she said to me: "Oh, ds always drinks his bottle by himself, no silly songs or stories or holding malarky". I couldn't believe she was saying that!!!. I looked at dh who at that moment looked at me like saying "they're your family, you sort this out". I just looked at her, fed up with it all (she had had some other comments before), and said quite calmly and smiling sweetly "you must think we are very silly in this house, since we do that every day". She blushed and said "no, no, i mean, it works for some people but not for us". Ah, but that's quite a different thing from what you said earlier wasn't it darling? That shut her up.

i genuinely don't have any doubts about our choice of childcare - from the children's perspective at any rate i do sometimes think life would be a lot easier for me with a nanny!

but it irritates me nevertheless.

i suppose i would be similarly irritated if someone slagged off, say, where we live, or our car or what the dcs were wearing - it's just tactless and rude.

bonitamia, i am liking your style!

I agree with what has been said but...

I bite my tongue when friend after friend talk about the benefits of nursery knowing I have opted not to use daycare at all because of my own beliefs. I don't want to get into the debate... we are all entitled to our own opinion. My point is, I use tact and diplomacy by (a) not saying anything and (b) trying not to take it personally. People should be a bit more tactful when talking about everything baby related as it is such an emotive topic!

Then just smile serenely (tight jawed grimace) and say 'that wouldn't be the best option for us - though I'm pleased it works for you' then silently add...btw your car is crap, your house is pokey, your dh fancies his colleague, your arse looks huge in those jeans, your children are brats (delete as appropriate).

Serenity rocks...

lol bossykate, good luck

Fuck 'em that what I say.

Bonamita - hope you added "what a shame for your ds that you don't sing or read to him. He's really missing out!"

As for the OP, there are good and bad childminders and good and bad nurseries. If you find a good one of either type and it works for you, great stuff! I really don't think either one is better than the other, it totally depends on what suits you and whether you can find a good one or not.

ddf, lol! yes thinking the evils

thanks to all i am cheered up now

Agree with the OP, it's very rude.

Having said that, I've been in a sort of opposite situation where a friend with a DD (in FT nursery) the same age as our DS1 (looked after on PT basis by a nanny), repeatedly asked either DH or I why we had chosen a nanny over a nursery. We consistently ducked the question as felt she was trying to draw us into an argument. (Clearly we chose the option we felt was best for our DS/us and we respect that she had chosen what was best for her family.) I don't know if it was genuine interest or whether she sort of wanted to hear us say we thought our childcare arrangements were better...

quite an emotive issue!

I would drop into the conversation " Ah yes but there are nurseries and then there are nurseries like the one we use" rather mysteriously next time it comes up.

I don't have any doubts that ds1 benefitted massively from our careful choice of childcare provider, and he has made the transition to school very well, he adores his teacher and he has already been recognised for his "sociability"/ concentration/aptitude. I do believe that there is bad childcare out there just as there is good childcare out there too and it's not as simple as nursery - bad, childminder - good.

Your dh's friends are being naive but they will find out the truth one day.

YANBU

Taking on one of Custy's suggestions, just kick them all soundly in the fanjo.

HTH x

YANBU - tactless imo.

Fanjo - I love that word. I had to look it up. I had not heard it before. I am glad I came to this thread

cheerio

my dad made a jibe about my dd being in nursery and i said directly 'well what would you do in my situation?' - he was completely thrown and hasnt mentioned it since, so i agree with bonitamia

It is very emotive, and you are only being human to feel like you do.

If someone has done some good research, and can explain their opinions as to why my parenting choice for my child is wrong, then I am prepared to listen (I have childless friends who go on about the wonders of controlled crying, which I have chosen, for my own good reasons, not to do with dd, who is a terrible sleeper). But I refuse to feel guilty, and I try not to feel hurt. It takes a lot of effort - but as has been said, try and recall all the good reasons you have made the choices you have.

Agree pistachio

Although I tell myself that alot of it is unintentional (though bossykate not sure this applies to your gang!). People over justifying the choices they have made can easily stray into the territory of implicitly criticising others lifestyles. But if anyone else says of a 1 year old that "she would get bored if she didnt go to nursery" I will scream!

Yep, when childless, find a couple of with a child and lecture them about bringing up children because you have all the answers

nope yanbu unreasonable at all!
in fact, i'd way prefer to leave my babes with a nursery than a childminder at home alone with them all day with no other adults to keep them in check and chill them out if the baby stresses them etc. I've only ever used CMs for mine when they are school age. I've just not felt it ok before then really!
so straight back at you (to your friends!)

Grrrrrrrrr on your behalf!

How smug, rude, irritating and stupid of them!

So bad, in fact, that I can't quite imagine how you managed to bite your usually forthright lip!

Let 'em have it!

i have also worked in chilcare, and im sorry to say i would not put my child in a nursery. (ive worked in many)

a good c/m is a much better option, so much more natural.

Of course a good childminder is a better option than a bad nursery.

I know that ds2 is happy to toddle in through the door of nursery in the morning, his face lights up at the sight of the staff who look after him and he gives and receives lots of hugs and cuddles there.

Ds1 went right through the same nursery and was pretty much the same, he shows none of the aggressive anti-social behaviour reported as a possible outcome of using nurseries for small children.

I'll say it again, if you and your child are both happy with your choice of childcare provider and you keep checking that you are happy (turn up unannounced at an odd time of day once in a while, check that the menu they publish is one they adhere to etc.), then just get on with life and ignore those who seek to validate their own choices by rubbishing those made by other people.

Instead of seething about it, answer them back. Enter into a discussion about it, argue your point.

I'm always amazed at how many of us just go quiet when our choices or points of view are criticised in real life. Then we log in here and go "oooh I'm so angry". Tell THEM that. How else do you expect their views to change, if you don't tell them yours?