to think that my dh should at least make an effort to get to grips with various aspects of childcare

[claireybang]

Such as knowing how to erect/fold the buggy. How to fasten the straps on dd's carseat. How to fit the carseat in the car?

Basically DH works full time, I am a SAHM. Therefore, I do expect the bulk of the childcare to be my responsibility. However, I would appreciate it if he could at least try to get to grips with certain things.

I don't drive, so the carseat has to come in and out of the car quite a bit for if I need it when DH is at work. DD was in her first stage carseat until 14 months and DH never learnt how to put it in the car, despite me asking him to. When we got her new carseat, I was already 4 months pregnant so told DH he would need to learn how to fit it as I wouldn't be able to lean over it easily for much longer. I offered to show him how, he said next time. The next time he again said "next time" and so on. So I gave him the manual to learn how to do it. He put it to one side without even looking at it.

I am now 8 months pregnant, and no longer able to reach across the carseat so fitting it involves me putting the carseat in the car, threading the seatbelt through as far as I can, going round to the other side of car, getting in and climbing across seat to fasten seatbelt, getting back out of car and back round to the other side to pull seatbelt tight, fasten clips etc, then back round to far side to push down final tautener thingy. The time before last I told DH to come out and learn how to do it and offered to talk him through it while he did it. He said no I'll just watch you do it this time and then I'll do it next time. Ok.

Fine except he watched me do it, and then the next time I asked him to take the carseat out to the car, which he did. But I then took dd out to put her in the carseat only to find he hadn't actually fitted it, just placed it in the car. So yet again, I had to get in and out of car and clamber across seat etc when he could easily have just reached over seat and plugged the seatbelt in.

A trip out as a family involves me getting dd up and ready, packing the change bag, making sure she has everything she might need want etc. I then have to put the carseat in the car, put the buggy in the boot and put dd in her carseat. Fine, except I also have to do all of this on the rare occasion he takes dd out alone "to give me a break". I have refused to do the bag for him before, but he didn't take a nappy so dd pooed, sat in it all afternoon and then got a horrific rash. Same if I don't make sure he takes a drink/food etc for her-she has to suffer which I don't think is fair on her just to make a point to my dh.

If he baths her he leaves her alone in the bath. If he has her alone over mealtimes she doesn't get fed properly. She has a very sensitive bum so needs her nappy changed fairly often and as soon as she poos, but DH often leaves her in the same nappy until it actually leaks through her clothes-only then does he remember that she might need changing.

To be fair to him, he is a very loving father, and especially since dd has got older and more interactive has been very good at playing with her, taking her to the park etc. I just wish I could leave her with him without having to write a list of detailed instructions or worrying that she will not have her needs met.

Does this just come with the territory of being a SAHM? I know my friends DP's do all of this stuff but are they just lucky?

lol at giving you a fright, clairey!

This thread would put the fear of god into your dp!
The thought of poo leaking on the iPod

Lots of good thinking on this thread,
I hope the suggestions will make a difference.

You say he is a loving dad so I am sure
once he realises how important this is to you
he will start doing the right thing.

OK so I may be the only one who is going to empathise (and maybe stick up for) your DH having one who behaved exactly the same. My DS's are 21 months apart so had the same heavily pregnant with little one scenario. The issues really came to a head when DS2 came along and I had my second C section so was physically unable to do everything for DS1. Had a major melt down when came out of hospital due to DH's inability to care for DS1 but at least it made us talk about it. Conversation started with you can't love me if you are prepared to let me be in physical pain because you won't do it right.... Agree with alot of what people have said so far re just being bloody selfish but in my experience most men have a default selfish mode most of the time unless prompted out of it. DH also had an issue with my high expectations of how he looked after DS1. In hindsight I was very anal about it and can understand why he thought that he may as well not bother as how ever he did it it would probably be wrong. Also not sure my DH had much of an example set by his own parents as him and his siblings pretty much brought themselves up which set his expecations low - not sure if this applies to your DH and not saying that makes it alright but may explain what appears to be a very uncaring attitude. And finally would suggest hitting him in the pocket. After having broken 2 double buggies in 6 months he finally accepted that he would have to learn how to fold and unfold - that gets expensive. If I were you I would also make life easier by buying another car seat so it doesn't need to come in and out you are going to need one anyway with LO and the age gap.
DS2 is now 9 months and I'm not saying DH is model father but bertainly makes more of an effort as he sees that I see it as a measure of how much he cares about me. He still needs a prompt but usually this tends to come from DS2 and listening to "I'm hungry Daddy" tends tp pull at the heart strings more than my nagging. Basically a very long winded way of saying talk to him about it without nagging. Good luck

he is like it because you let him...

sorry if that sounds harsh but in his book why should he bother changing if he is going to get away with it.

I am also a SAHM and my DH works away all week at the moment (until we join him after house is finally sold) but he still knows how to fit the car seat etc and whilst he doesn't know every aspect of looking after DD the same way I do (or think I do) he is more than capable of doing it and finding out...

I think you need to be stronger and not ask him to do things and then do them yourself when he doesn't, I would treat him the same way as you would your DS (although Naughtystep probably not a good idea but say I asked you to fit the car seat, now can you go and do it please...

If he geninely can't do it then after 10 mins of him trying (or when he asks for help whichever is sooner, you can go out and show him so next time he can do it all by himself....

Definitely isn't part of being a SAHM. I'm a SAHM for 8-10 hours a day when DH is at work, the rest of the time we take equal responsibility for feeding/nappies etc although some tasks invariably are done by one parent more than the other (and yes some things do get forgotten/overlooked, but we muddle through).

Maybe a checklist is the answer as mentioned in another post?

Does he know any other dads? How do they behave towards their children?

I'd agree with the other posters that he is out of order. I am pretty much a SAHM (work from home two short days a week), but evenings and weekends DH and I share care. That's not to say he doesn't 'forget' things sometimes, but at the end of the day he is a grown up and as responsible for our DD as I am.

The question is what you do about it. I think it can be helpful to think about the origins of his behaviour - is it simple laziness? do you set high standards that he can't live up to so he just gives up? is he worried about getting it wrong? does he genuinely think that its your job? Then work on tactics based on that. I found it helped to focus on one or two things at a time and try to focus on the specifics of what I wanted him to do rather than what he had done wrong in the past.

I do think we have to let people make a few mistakes to be honest. I understand that you don't want to make a child suffer in order to prove a point, because I feel that way too. But I've come to the conclusion that apart from stuff that is genuinely risking life (such as not putting a car seat in properly or leaving a toddler alone in the bath) it is better to let other things go. Yes its not very nice for my DD to have an unchanged nappy or not get a snack when she wants one, but if it helps my DH remember to pack the bag properly next time then so be it. It is better for her to have a good relationship with him and spend time with him. Having said that I am also the queen of the checklist and did write out a list of what needed to be in the bag and give it to DH the first time he went out on his own!

I agree with the suggestion that you go away for the weekend. If you can make sure he doesn't get his mother (or your mother) round to help out. My sister actually had to arrange with both that they would be busy when she went away after several attempts at a 'training weekend' were foiled by helpful grannies!

just rememebered another time i went away for the weekend, my DH took the twins to Donington to watch the super bikes - he was so chuffed with himself, but rang me later on (while i was swanning round the shops), asking me how he was supposed to go to the loo - did he leave them outside, or take them in with him.....I chuckled, but then he rang me about 10 mins later saying they were cold and he'd forgotten their coats - I did have to state the obvious and say "well buy them some more then"....

Sometimes you do have to relinquish control, and remember, yes he may forget stuff, but as my DH proved you can always BUY what you forgotten when you are out - snacks can be bought, spare nappies can be bought, wipes, etc etc

There are ways round everything - leave him to it, no list, nothing, he WILL cope.

HE LEAVES HER IN THE BATH!!!!

WHAT A FUCKING IRRESISPONBILE TWAT!!!

Oi that's my husband you're talking about!
No, that was pretty much my response too when I realised he had left her alone in there. After I charged upstairs and stopped hyperventilating I tried to get him to see why that was so bad- his response "She's fine, she's just sitting in the bath playing with her toys". I really don't think it had occurred to him that it was dangerous-he just thought that as she was so steady that nothing could happen. Hopefully after I went through all the what if's he got it-although I think he might just think I am being paranoid.

Thanks for all the tips etc, to be honest I think if he realised not changing her etc could be considered neglectful he would be horrified-it's not that he can't be bothered to or that he is unwilling to-just that it simply doesn't occur to him to change her nappy. Maybe that's the angle I need to work on.

I think the other issue is that to his mind, he is helping me a lot. This is also a cultural thing, as he is not used to dads playing an active role in raising their children (although the women do have either maids or extended family to help rather than doing it single handedly).

Until dd was 6 months old he did absolutely nothing, I then went away for the weekend leaving him a very detailed list and he looked after her with the help of my parents. Once I was home again the childcare defaulted back to me, and it is only really since dd turned a year old that he has taken her out on his own, bathed her, played with her-so he is doing a lot more than he was 5 months ago, just not as much as I would like. I would also like for him to be able to do all of that without the responsiblity still being mine.

Anyway, I'll put some of the suggestions into practise, and if all else fails I'll let him read this to see exactly what other people think of him

I read somewhere that one of the problems with this issue is that women compare what men do to what they are doing and men compare what they do to what other men do.

So men often think they should get more credit for not being as bad as some of the really usesless dads out there, and then get resentful when their partners want them to do more. Meanwhile women think contributions should be judged on what actually needs doing, rather than on being marginally better than a complete waste of space!

yeah i agree with below - my favourite phrase is " waddya wnt a medal?"

Slap him with a kipper

When my DH doesn't do the obvious i.e warm bottle for DS2 when i am bathing him and gives me the "you didn't tell me to do it" line I find a retort such as "well we both know his sh*t stinks but I don't have to tell you everyday do I"

Sorry, but just reading the OP almost made me lose the will to live! Get back out to work. Then you can legitimately expect him to take equal responsibilty with childcare issues, and he can expect you to take equal responsibility with supporting the family financially. It's the only way to true equality!!

Nice theory, inthegutter, but I know several women who work full time and still do all the housework, getting up in the night, running around like headless chickens etc etc.

Does your husband care about you, and want you to be happy? If the answer is yes, then he needs to change his ways. Simple as.

Both working FT and mum still taking the lion's share of childcare/house work is martyrdom. Women who accept that are doing themselves (and their kids who after all are looking to their parents as role models) no favours whatsoever.
OK, so I was being a little flippant in just saying 'Get back to work' - as a WOHM I know it takes discussion and planning. But I seriously believe it's a good grounding for establishing more equal roles within a relationship. I've known a few couples where the mum is a SAHM and has felt very aggrieved that their partner doesn't do things exactly how they would like in the home. And often the dad feels similar - that mum has no understanding of the pressures he's under working outside the home.

Fair enough, but I presume the OP worked before she became a SAHM, too. Did she do the majority of housework then? I'm guessing yes. Therefore it's a relationship issue, not a 'SAHM vs. WOHM' issue, I think. When I worked full time, my OH took on 50% of housewhold stuff. Now I'm an SAHM he does the same. I'm not being smug, I'm just saying - it is possible, it happens, it isn't unheard of. I stay at home to look after my son during the hours my husband is at work. I'm not a 'housewife', an unpaid skivvy or on-call 24/7 while my husband sleeps off his 'hard day'.

YANBU Clairey. I can't believe he would watch you struggle with something which he could do with ease! I am a SAHM and I also (even now) have to make sure we have everything we need for a trip out, I am usually rushing around getting it together while he stands at the door sighing and tapping his foot! My DH is brilliant at most aspects of looking after our sons but there are lots of things which just don't occur to him but are second nature to me as I am with them all the time (like nappies and meal times when they were younger - bedtime and leaving them in the bath while he is in the shed now they are older).