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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go travelling with my 4yo DD?

30 replies

wanderlust · 31/10/2007 23:28

Basically I was a traveller for several years until I got pregnant, when I settled down in a house with my DDs dad. He left us two years ago and since then I have moved back to live near my mum, as I was really struggling on my own and xp was no help.

I have tried so hard to settle here, I spent last year in full time college doing an Access course which I passed with full marks, and my dd is at a private nursery (very kindly paid for by my parents). I just am so unhappy, I desparately miss my "old" way of life, my friends, etc. I want to take dd travelling (only in uk) for a year or so, starting in spring, I'd work with her so that she would not fall behind educationally and so on, and would keep the tenancy on our (private rented) house and come home every few weeks to do washing etc, but is this an ok thing to do?

I just feel like I'll be letting people down - my lectures on my course last year were all disappointed that I was not going to uni but I don't know what I want to do right now. I hope I don't come accross as an ungrateful moaning cow, I just want to try to get rid of my itchy feet for good and show my dd that there are other ways to live.

AIBU though???

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 31/10/2007 23:33

Do what will make you feel content and happy. If you're happy you'll be a better mummy to your DD then if you are unhappy.

I have travelled a lot with my DS who's 4 now, and most weekends go on excursions round the uk. He's fine with it, kids are far more resilient than adults.

I know how you feel, I still feel a bit 'trapped' and get urges to run away with DS, but mostly I have realised that I don't have to give up my old life coz I'm a mum, my DS is just a part of that life now and fits into it reall well!

I'm here if you want tips/advice etc.

OverMyDeadBody · 31/10/2007 23:34

ps you don't sound ungrateful and moaning. You can always go to uni later.

You'd be letting yourself down if you weren't happy, and that's worse than letting anyone else down imo

SquirBOOdle · 31/10/2007 23:34

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to travel with your daughter. Lots of people do it. It very enriching for children to see other cultures.

This is obviously something you really wnat to do and until you do, you probably wouldn't be able to settle to do anything else.

Go for it, I'd love to but theres no way I'm lugging 3 boys with me

SquirBOOdle · 31/10/2007 23:36

Oh just seen the only uk bit Forget the cultural thing then, I still thi k you should!

OverMyDeadBody · 31/10/2007 23:38

lots of different cultures in the uk!

Original poster
wanderlust · 31/10/2007 23:47

Think a lot of it is cos I still feel guilty for going away when I was 16 without finishing school or telling my parents, and I didnt get on with them for years til dd was born. They have been so supportive recently and I cant hepl feeling I will be letting them down but it is something I really want to do.

I've found it really hard adapting to motherhood and find it hard sometimes to trust my decisions, I get quite defensive too and worry a lot that I'm selfish and a shite mum etc etc

As far as cultural goes, it will be quite a shock to her at first as she has always beem a house child! Would like to take her to ireland, to a protest site on the Hill of Tara, and to other places like Faslane Peace Camp.

OP posts:
Original poster
wanderlust · 01/11/2007 09:05

Any other opinions/advice?

OP posts:
PrincessAfterLife · 01/11/2007 09:13

maybe do a test run during the next school holidays? see how you both get on with it?

Original poster
wanderlust · 01/11/2007 09:18

Yeah that would probably be a good idea

OP posts:
Fennel · 01/11/2007 09:21

It sounds an excellent idea to me. I also travelled and lived abroad a lot before having children and would love to take them travelling. But like SquirbOOdle, the thought of dragging 3 small children around seems more effort than it's worth. But with one 4 year old, yes definitely. I'll do it with mine once they are all old enough to carry their own rucksack and walk without moaning.

HonoriaGlossop · 01/11/2007 09:48

i think it could be a lovely time, for you and her together experiencing the travelling.....

i think maybe you could plan it very 'neatly' and give it a pretty firm end date so that you felt you weren't going to be giving your parents the impression that you're 'drifting'. I know you're an adult and don't need to particularly be beholden to anyone else's opinions, however if this was me and I was accepting that much help and support from my parents, I would certainly and strongly feel they had a right to it being made clear "I'm not just dropping the things you've supported me to do, I'm just doing this 'project' first".

The other thing I would consider and you probably already have considered this, is how your child would cope with joining school at year 1 or later and how she would cope with being 'the new one' etc. For some kids this would be actually quite devastating (I'm imagining my own ds here!) but if your dd is a child who is on an even keel and is confident and not 'fragile' then she may cope alot better.

We start them at school too young anyway! At four, why the hell shouldn't she have a lovely travelling experience with her mum!

Hope it all works out!

Original poster
wanderlust · 01/11/2007 09:55

Wow I'm so glad that everyone seems to think I am making a sane decision - I had prepared mysefl for lots of posts telling me I was bieng selfish etc.

My dd will be ok starting school late I think, she is very confident and (of course) very bright so will be able to catch up fast. And the experience will give her more confidence I think and teach her lots, and se will make fridns fast, she is that sort of child.

OP posts:
bookofthedeadmum · 01/11/2007 10:05

Go for it - I wanted to take my dd travelling around Australia when she was 2 (don't ask!) but I was talked out of it . I think it's a lovely thing to do .

Original poster
wanderlust · 01/11/2007 10:37

I will sit mother down and talk to her about it. Give her end date is ood one to reassure her cheers!

OP posts:
Fennel · 01/11/2007 11:14

I wouldn't personally be too bothered about starting school later, unless your child finds it particularly hard to change and adapt - from what you say she's not like that

My dds changed school twice in the last two years, due to houes moves. They changed in the middle of yr 1 and reception, and then again in yr 2 and yr 1. I felt bad for them, especially for the second unexpected move, but they were fine. One is quiet and shy, one is outgoing and super-confident, but they both coped well with being new at school twice. They made new friends, integrated well, and it didn't seem to particularly affect them academically.

newgirl · 01/11/2007 12:25

probably an ideal time to do it before she gets settled into school and wants to he with her friends rather than you, When she is in to school, then you will have loads of time to study

do it!!

but be very lovely to your family and lecturers and thank them for their support

Original poster
wanderlust · 02/11/2007 11:16

Well mu

OP posts:
Original poster
wanderlust · 02/11/2007 11:21

start again!
Spoke to mum and she was upset and said she thinks I am being a bit silly and that she hpoed that was all in the past now blah.
But all the posts here have made me feel better and I think it will do us both so much good and make our mother/daughter relarionship stronger and less fraught.

OP posts:
littlesparkler · 02/11/2007 16:47

I think you should go for it. A happy mother is way better than a miserable one. And you dd has half your genes, she will probably enjoy the travelling as much as you do. It will be a great experience for you both and she can start school at five. Go for it. If it works, you could always home ed and continue or go in her holidays.
Good luck with it all.

PrincessGoodLife · 02/11/2007 16:53

Give it a try, You only live once and all that. But talk more with your mum, reassure her. Understand her POV. Bet she'd miss her DGD tons and is scared of losing both of you to the travelling life, not just her DD.

helenhismadwife · 02/11/2007 17:51

I read this phrase once Im not totally sure of the words but it went something like this;

'its better to regret things you have done than regret the things you didnt do'

sounds to me like you will have huge regrets if you dont do it, and you have obviously thought a lot about the implications on your daughter so go for it!! If you get as far as France we have a spare room you can use

HonoriaGlossop · 02/11/2007 17:58

That's a very good point PrincessG. i expect it must be gutting for your mum to think about you both disappearing when she's obviously used to seeing a lot of you and being very involved in her grand-daughter's life.....i think your mum will need careful handling! Could she come with you on one of the 'legs' of the trip??? Would she????

Original poster
wanderlust · 07/11/2007 19:22

Managed to sort it out with my mum - she even has said she understands and thinks that if it matters that much to m e then I should do it. I really feel like its holding me back, I have been feeling like this for ages now and I'm so releived to have started to make plans and admit to how I feel.

So we are off at eastre, when dd will be just 5. Have decided to get eductional material to use with her from Travellers School charity so she wo'nt fall too far behind, and when we come home for good she will go to school and I will apply to university.

Still feel slightly eeeek about it as it is a big change and I can;t help worrying that its selfish to drag poor dd round the country to satisfy my itchy feet. But I think that is mainly due to my low self confidence as a parent and that I'll fell better once I start to get more faith in myself.

OP posts:
jorange5 · 07/11/2007 21:25

Wow your DD will have such a wonderful time. Good luck, I hope we hear more from you when you are doing this!

OverMyDeadBody · 07/11/2007 21:50

Wow, that's excellent wonderlust, I'm glad you're doing it!

Don't think of it as 'dragging your poor DD with you' though, that is negative thinking. Think of it as 'going on an adventure with your lucky DD', what you and DD get out of this trip will depend more on yourt outlook and state of mind than anything else.

I'm sure once you're off your confidence will soar, as well as having confidence in yourself have confidence in your DD and her ability to adapt to these new situations. I know with my DS he's only managed the more challenging stuff I've put him through because I belived he could do it and would manage it and be fine, and told him loads, and he was.

Good luck ,keep us posted on your adventure!