Page 2 | ok I know i am but thought it was better to say it on a new thread

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 2007-10-20T20:45:38+00:00

I can't help it and I know that a lot of people have issues(for good reasons) with their mums. but I am so that they still have theres. I miss mine.

Original poster

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 20/10/2007 22:48

i really like the idea of these dreams.
do they make you feel happy when you wake up or sadder?

OP posts:

purpleflower · 20/10/2007 22:52

I can't really remember any good times. I was 10 when she got ill. I think the dreams would be comforting.

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2007 22:53

Purple and 2shoes, sounds like you both have good memories of your mothers, or you wouldn't be so griefstricken at their loss.

Perhaps it's better to remember a loving mother than to be saddled with one who doesn't give a toss?

Original poster

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 20/10/2007 22:54

purpleflower have you got someone who can fill in the gaps. my mum was ill on and off from when i was born. I often wonder what she would have been like as a person if she hadn't been. my auntie was great at telling me. unlike my dad she said it as it was. it REALLY helped .

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2007 22:58

Sorry Purple, X post. Can you really not remember her before she was ill? I can remember lots from before I was 10.

I think i was puzzled and a bit shocked at first when i woke up from dreaming about my dad, but happy about it later. Interestingly, when i described what i could remember of my dream to a cousin, he drew a completely different inference from it.

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2007 23:01

Actually 2shoes I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Or you, Purple.

bonkerz · 20/10/2007 23:11

2shoes i know how you feel. A few years ago i would have probably posted about how my mum annoyed me and that she was a terrible mum THEN 2 years ago (15 oct 2005) my mum was taken from me and the pain never goes away. For so many years i didnt make the most of my mum. We argued and i felt we were not close and to some extent felt she didnt like me. Since she has died i have realised she didnt hate me and that she did her very best for me and its so true when people say you dont know what you have got till its gone.
So many times i read thread titles and want to scream at people to just stop moaning. If for one second people actually stopped and thought about how they would feel if their parents were not around, about how they cant just pick up the phone to share news about children, about how they will never feel that strange sense of belonging you get when your mum or dad are nearby then im sure they wouldnt argue about trivial things.
Since my mums death i have realised life really is too short. My sister and I have become so close because we understand whats important and sometimes you just have to let things lie and not argue!

Original poster

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 20/10/2007 23:18

bonkerz what a lovely post.
I am glad I posted about it as I think sometimes you feel so alone. for me it happened years ago..but the missing never goes.
Ayway off to bed maybe I will dream of her and our black dog.

OP posts:

Starbear · 20/10/2007 23:28

2shoes, Sorry sweetheart, I should be kinder to my Mum but she is bonkers. My dad passed away before Ds was born, he was bonkers too but I miss him and wish that ds knew him the way his cousins did.

purpleflower · 20/10/2007 23:35

No I don't really remember too much from before she was ill. She was diagnosed when I was ten but we think she was ill for a couple of years before that (the tumour was the size of a football before they found it)

Theres not really anyone I can talk to about her, everyone seems to have moved on. My Nan talks about her and calls me by her name accidently as I look a lot like her but she can't really tell me about the way we were as a family behind closed doors IYSWIM? My dad doesn't really talk about her and I don't want to bring up the pain for my brothers.

When I'm doing all right about things I do get some memories come back of holidays but its nothing strong, I think I'm starting to forget

I'm just finding it hard having my DS. I have nobody to ask what I was like as a baby as Dad was always at work and I'm the youngest of four. I'm finding hard not being able to share things with her.

I'm sorry about this I'm just struggling and don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Thank you for letting me get this off of my chest and thank you 2shoes for starting this thread and giving me the chance to.

Hope it all makes sense, I find it really hard to write down.

Oenophile · 20/10/2007 23:45

I miss mine too

Every day I think about her and wish she were here with me, doing the things we used to do together.

Her birthday was 4 days ago.

I don't believe in any afterlife so all I have to go on is memories and knowing she loved me dearly as I loved her, but it upsets me that any dreams I have of her are usually the aspects of our relationship I found difficult (disagreeing over the way to bring up children) and not the fun times, the simple, wonderful, loving support of having someone who put me first before everything and who loved me unconditionally.

Raising a glass in loving memory of all our mums who are no longer with us!

snowleopard · 20/10/2007 23:51

2shoes, it must be hard, and I'm sorry because I am one of those who moans about my parents.

In my mum's case, she's OK really - she did terrible damage that I don't think she has ever really understood and there are some things I can't forgive, but we do get on now and since having DS I have seen that she is a loving granny.

But my dad... some parents really are beyond the pale and are so harmful and abusive that we are better off without them, and blood ties mean nothing then. I will never know what it's like to have a dad who respects and loves me and looks after me. And the same goes for some people with their mums, and they need to share it with people who understand. This doesn't mean at all that they don't recognise how valuable your mum was to you - in fact, those of us with truly difficult or dangerous parents feel as keenly as anyone how amazing it must be to have a wonderful mum and/or dad.

Please remember your lovely mum with pride and know that some of us are jealous of you, that you had her... I'm so sorry you're missing her.

prettybird · 20/10/2007 23:51

I love your name Oenophile!

I miss my mum too. She is still alive, but had a head injury in February follwoing a fall from her bike while on holiday in India, so she is no longer the confident, assertive woman who was my "back-up" and I could ring for advice or information (especially as a former English teacher grammar pedantic stuff ).

I'm not sure she will ever truly be back.

HappyMummyOfOne · 21/10/2007 08:55

Purpleflower, I lost my mum to cancer at age 10 too so know where your coming from. I dont have any contact with my dad and that makes it even worse. She was sick for a long time and most of my memories are from when she was sick.

I have days where it really gets me down, especially when I think of everything we missed sharing together - my wedding, my DS etc. What I wouldnt give to have her back, even for just a phone call.

OP is right though, there have been a lot of threads recently where people are winging about their mums but they should all be thankful that their mums are still here and they get to see and talk to them.

Oenophile · 21/10/2007 09:18

So sorry, Prettybird (your name is nice too!) My mum had a fairly major stroke 2 years before she died so like you I did have to get used to the fact that my mum had "changed". I did grow to love the new person she had become (mostly very docile and sweet, and pathetically grateful for our care of her, though there were the odd distressing periods when she became anxious and paranoid )

I seemed to accept her death better for the first year than I do now - I'm always thinking about her nowadays - wishing she could see what we're up to these days - wondering if she ever knew how much I loved her and how grateful I was for all she did for me and my girls - I wish I had told her that more often - but I think she knew.

Your life changes forever after you lose your mum, doesn't it. There's no longer anyone you can turn to who is unequivocally, unconditionally on your side the way your mother was, even if you didn't se eye to eye on everything, all the time.

I'm grateful however that I had that close and loving relationship with her - I guess that some of the people who post of major relationships with their mums never even had that - so I try to feel lucky. But I just feel she had more life to enjoy and left me too soon.

And HappyMummy - my heart goes out to you losing yours so young - that puts my whinges into perspective. Just remember that a part of her lives on in your DS and in all the generations to come - a thought that gives me comfort at times - a very real continuity.

harleyweendemon · 21/10/2007 09:25

yanbu
at all

talulasmum · 21/10/2007 09:26

2shoes;
im so sorry.

i think people think their mums will be around for ever, and no matter what we say about them, deep down we love them so much.

my mum is 80 and in her younger days would tell me i was wrong about alot of things (i probably was)

but now im looking after her and its lovely.

i know things will never be the same when she finally leaves me.

persephonesnape · 21/10/2007 09:29

you're not being unreasonable at all. My mum died 16 years ago, when i was twenty two or so - so i had a LOT more years of her than some of you, I'm so sad that she didn't get to meet her grandchildren though. I was an only child and the absolute loss is so difficult to put into words. I had no one to remember her with. I know she would have been proud of me and her gcs and I've inherited a lot of nice things from her ( a love of musicals and cats for one) that means that she's still kind of around.

She wasn't the most demonstrative of mums - she had a very hard childhood herself and wasn't particularly cuddly and there are arguments that I remember that were fierce - but i still miss her very much and I get very grumpy when people i know IRL get to have their mums when they don't appreciate them at all.

Elasticwoman · 21/10/2007 20:08

Purpleflower, I have 3 older brothers too but unlike you did not lose my mother as a child. I do think you should talk to your brothers about your mum and ask them all the questions you have about her, before they forget. What have you got to lose? One of my brothers gave the eulogy at my father's funeral and remembered things about him that happened before my time. And I was 41 when he died. Your brothers may welcome the opportunity to talk about her to some one who will really be interested.

TwigorTreat · 21/10/2007 20:15

sorry for the thread

artichokes · 21/10/2007 20:15

I know how you feel 2shoes. I lost my dad when I was 2 and my mum when I was 24. I would dearly love to have just one more day with either of them (but particularly my mum who was my best friend). If they wanted to be unreasonable or irritating for that day then I would still love it, because at least I could talk to them and introduce them to my DD.

I don't begrude people a place to vent about their parents but I do wish mine had the oppurtunity to wind me up.