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AIBU?

DP, his mother, and money

143 replies

Janesandian · 30/11/2020 23:52

I have posted about DP and his family, especially his mother before under another name. I have to be careful as she may be on here, no idea! The general consensus was that DP belonged on the Stately Homes thread. When he read the thread he kept saying “omg mum does this” “this is what she says” and was quite sad but felt validated. He still seems to be vying for her attention though. I think she fits the NPD description well.

Anyway, the problem. DP has two siblings (the golden child, older), Amy, and (the baby, younger) Connor. Amy got married in 2017 and his mum gave them £10k towards it. She says it’s £6k but the maths is easy. All along she said how she would give us the same.
We then got engaged, she reiterated about giving us the money. Once when DP was alone with her she went on about how my parents should give us money as they are lying about their wealth (I grew up in poverty but they refuse to believe this - my parents are disabled, she has commented that they fake it).

As the wedding was a way away we didn’t really ask for the money and DP felt very awkward. Time and time again she’d bring it up. We now need it. DP has asked for it numerous times.

It also turns out that Connor, who is no where near getting engaged, got given his wedding money lump sum without asking. They said he shouldn’t be penalised if he doesn’t want to get married. He’s been with a girl 6 years but they don’t approve of her because of her job (classical music related - she is very intelligent but the industry isn’t high paying) and because she’s “fat”. (They have literally said this)

They just don’t seem to be giving the money. I wouldn’t normally care as it’s their money. But they have really made it a thing that they will give it but we’ve mentioned it a few times outright and she’s said to me “let us know when you want the money” so I said “can we have it now please? The deposits are all due” and she never sent it. DP just got a text saying they get paid on X date so can have it then, she said the same thing last month. His parents are wealthy and they just spent £20k on plastic surgery - again, their money, their choice, but they aren’t hard up.

Is this when DP needs to call it a day? We are hosting them for Xmas and I’m dreading the sarcasm and arguments as his mum says something provocative (last time I saw her she turned to me out the blue and said “your friends baby is so ugly isn’t he”). She comments on our finances all the time (“can you afford that”).

Both his siblings are higher earners, we are probably least well off although still doing okay.

Help?

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LightDrizzle · 01/12/2020 09:44

OP you need to stop your little acts of appeasement. A nice person who liked you would receive them with a warm glow and it WOULD strengthen regard, however to a bully like your MIL, it just confirms your weakness and her rightful position as top dog. I suspect she dislikes all her children’s partners, in your case probably not so much as not being good enough for your fiancé, since she doesn’t seem to rate him that highly, you are probably just the sort of pleasant mediocrity she thought he’d be satisfied with. No, she will dislike them because they don’t meet her high standards, and because as her children pair off, her position as sun to the family’s lesser planets is weakened and she is diminished.
Your only hope of respect as a couple is to demonstrate complete independence; mirror pleasantness, calmly call out rudeness in the moment; and withdraw and disengage from all unpleasantness “... I think that’s our cue to leave...”
Chasing never works and it damages your self esteem, not theirs.
Don’t mention the money and plan without it. If they raise it, which I think they will, your DH should say not to worry, you are managing without, if they persist, citing other siblings etc. I would suggest he says he will email his account details, and if they want to give the money, that would be lovely, but that you are not relying on it so there is no pressure.
If money appears, he can thank them. If not, no mention.
Fuck knows why you are hosting them for Christmas, you’ve made a rod for your own back there. Learn from it!