DP, his mother, and money

[Janesandian]

I have posted about DP and his family, especially his mother before under another name. I have to be careful as she may be on here, no idea! The general consensus was that DP belonged on the Stately Homes thread. When he read the thread he kept saying “omg mum does this” “this is what she says” and was quite sad but felt validated. He still seems to be vying for her attention though. I think she fits the NPD description well.

Anyway, the problem. DP has two siblings (the golden child, older), Amy, and (the baby, younger) Connor. Amy got married in 2017 and his mum gave them £10k towards it. She says it’s £6k but the maths is easy. All along she said how she would give us the same.
We then got engaged, she reiterated about giving us the money. Once when DP was alone with her she went on about how my parents should give us money as they are lying about their wealth (I grew up in poverty but they refuse to believe this - my parents are disabled, she has commented that they fake it).

As the wedding was a way away we didn’t really ask for the money and DP felt very awkward. Time and time again she’d bring it up. We now need it. DP has asked for it numerous times.

It also turns out that Connor, who is no where near getting engaged, got given his wedding money lump sum without asking. They said he shouldn’t be penalised if he doesn’t want to get married. He’s been with a girl 6 years but they don’t approve of her because of her job (classical music related - she is very intelligent but the industry isn’t high paying) and because she’s “fat”. (They have literally said this)

They just don’t seem to be giving the money. I wouldn’t normally care as it’s their money. But they have really made it a thing that they will give it but we’ve mentioned it a few times outright and she’s said to me “let us know when you want the money” so I said “can we have it now please? The deposits are all due” and she never sent it. DP just got a text saying they get paid on X date so can have it then, she said the same thing last month. His parents are wealthy and they just spent £20k on plastic surgery - again, their money, their choice, but they aren’t hard up.

Is this when DP needs to call it a day? We are hosting them for Xmas and I’m dreading the sarcasm and arguments as his mum says something provocative (last time I saw her she turned to me out the blue and said “your friends baby is so ugly isn’t he”). She comments on our finances all the time (“can you afford that”).

Both his siblings are higher earners, we are probably least well off although still doing okay.

Help?

[Santaisironingwrappingpaper]

Back away op. Stop messaging her /buying for her /inviting her.
She isn't interested in your lives...
Leave her to it. Forget the money. Change your Xmas plans. Why have your day ruined? Smaller wedding without her there would be your best bet also.

[Pechanga]

Taking money from them will always be a weight around your neck....do it yourselves without their help.

Start reducing contact, it sounds like it would be healthier for your DF. Without their money you aren't indebted to them in any way...how liberating.

Keep them at arms length long before you decide to have children, they will be a nightmare!

[billybagpuss]

I love your update, you can afford a lovely wedding without their money and honestly as I said before any money you get from them now is tarnished. If they do pay up I agree with pp, squirrel it away and the first time they mention it point out how reluctantly they gave it to you and pay it straight back.

Lc is the way to go.

[EggysMom]

Tell them you have covid for Christmas. Easy, no way around it.

Don't do this, it'll backfire if you then come down with Covid in the spring. Instead, say that you've both been in contact with somebody who's since come down with Covid, so you are having to self-isolate

[YukoandHiro]

Would your DP accept saying you've got a cough so that at least you can get Xmas to yourselves?

[YukoandHiro]

Re covid - I would just say you've got a cough but couldn't get a test quickly. And then get your negative result through on Boxing Day or the 27th

[ScrapThatThen]

Actually it sounds like your DH is close to being prepared to confront it directly. I would question yourself about how much appeasing and pleasing you are doing - presumably due to fear of criticism, but they probably criticise you to others all the time. Just start to stand back and support your dh with what he wants to do.

[Boulshired]

A gift should be given not begged for, each child has been given its own drama, the secret of saying it’s less, the grand gesture gift “even though you do not need it” and now your turn with the make them beg for it. She played a game with all her DCs and unlucky yours is the cruelest as you took her for her word when she offered. Each time she enables the gift to be about her, she probably knew the oldest would never ask so had to give in a grand gesture.

[dontdisturbmenow]

I’ll be honest and say it’s not about the actual money anymore but the principle
The principle is you don't accept money from people you would feel happier if they were not part of your life.

[Redburnett]

Your DP needs to tell them your plans have changed. You are having a small low key wedding that you can afford without their help and you are doing a minimalist Christmas to help save for it. They are no longer invited for Christmas. Then go very low contact.

[SimplyRadishing]

say that you've both been in contact with somebody who's since come down with Covid, so you are having to self-isolate
This.

And stop doing anything nice for her! It's a power play!!

[Audreyseyebrows]

I would tell her to stick her money.

[dontdisturbmenow]

say that you've both been in contact with somebody who's since come down with Covid, so you are having to self-isolate
Lying always comes to bite you. It gives people the opportunity to judge you. Don't do it.

Just say it as it is.

[Boulshired]

If he wants to remain close to his other family members remember she is playing a game, where she comes out the winner. Personally I would cancel Christmas with symptoms, let him decide the level of relationship he wants. Plan the wedding on your budget and if she ever mentions the money again I would text bank details for her with a message “if you want to contribute here is the account if you are unable to we understand”.

[Mix56]

Do not invite them for Xmas, one of you has a fever....
Do not mention the wedding again, I would personally get the wedding done in private, without them. Why bother, she will ruin it in one way or another.
Stop, just Stop, buying her gifts & messaging, she is not your mother, she can speak to her son if she so wishes. Do not get drawn into any pacifying, if she complains to you about her son not replying, a simple "you do have to wonder why......." kind of response,
Grey rock, disinterest, silence is Golden.

[Erictheavocado]

When dh and I married we decided that we would not accept financial contributions for the simple fact that both our mums would use it as a stick to beat us with forevermore, and would use even the tiniest contribution to exert control over the entire wedding. We had the wedding we could afford, politely refused their money saying they could buy us a gift if they really wanted to spend any money on us.
To be honest, I don't understand why you would want money from your ILs. Why would you want to be beholden to such people?

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

OP, by hanging on to this over ‘the principle’ you are becoming hooked into the drama.

And really, undermining your DH by all this doing little things, buying things for his Mum. Why are you trying to appease a woman who has no respect for you or your family? She is probably enjoying making you beg for the money. Step outside the dynamic and walk away, head high.

Start your marriage on your terms, no baggage, no strings.

You can make decisions about how contact with your ILs pans out as your DH comes to terms with the situation. Support him, you two, backs against whatever comes at you.

Christmas: up to the two of you. Be straightforward: if you host do it with good grace, if not, be straightforward. Passive aggressive feuding is simply engaging and extending her game.

[Tomorrowistomorrow]

Exactly -say you aren't hosting christmas this year -due to worries about your disabled parents and christmas etc.
If she says ANYTHING you find unpleasant -a good technique I've learnt is to ask them "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that -can you repeat it again?" -then silence -make them repeat it.

She says "Your parents really aren't disabled" ask her to repeat it.
She says it again -no drama and no emotion just say "I'm ending this conversation and I'm finding your comments unecessary and just nasty" and say nothing else -phone down -walk away, leave the room and read a book etc. IF she kicks off do not engage just raise an eyebrow and say "I've already told you, conversation is ended" on repeat.

Next time she brings up the money -say "I'm not discussing this anymore. You say x years ago that you would pay this. Despite asking in March 2019 etc and other dates -you then didn't. So we aren't expecting it and I don't want to discuss a flying pig any more -please do not bring it up again" And do it on repeat. Get your DP to do the same.

[Mrgrinch]

What the hell OP, stop embarrassing yourselves and pay for your own wedding.

He's going to cut contact with his parents if they don't give him £10k? He sounds like a brat. I would never have asked for it more than once and you're just making yourselves look absolutely ridiculous by asking repeatedly.

[Gregariousfox]

Your DP needs to tell them your plans have changed. You are having a small low key wedding that you can afford without their help and you are doing a minimalist Christmas to help save for it. They are no longer invited for Christmas. Then go very low contact

This but I'd say we can't afford now to invite anyone for Christmas this year, but we're sure you'll understand. If they kick off about it, be prepared to be mystified. She'll try anything to get you back on the hook but your best bet is to stay neutral, neither confronting nor giving in to her demands. You understand why she's upset but you have to stick to your plans now. Yes it's hard for her to not have Christmas with you and you can see why it seems selfish but we have to stick to our plans now. You'd never want to upset her but we have to stick to our plans now.

She will probably try and enlist other members of the family to guilt you into changing your minds. But you have to stick to the same script and don't be goaded into explaining yourself because everything will be fed back to them and will be weaponised.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

OP did you post this recently without the names? If not there is an identical situation going on with another family. Has anything changed to make you post again?

She is clearly doing it to torture your husband and embarrass you both when you have to ask for it. The only way you stop her having this power over you is to not take anything of hers, not listen to her, and scale back contact. Get married without her money even if it's just you two

[Gregariousfox]

Oh, and ignore posters like Mrgrinch as they patently have no idea about narcissistic parents.

[Mrgrinch]

@Gregariousfox

Oh, and ignore posters like Mrgrinch as they patently have no idea about narcissistic parents.

They can afford to pay for it themselves but are practically begging for the cash from the PILs? Sounds like they're just as bad.

[Nanny0gg]

Why are you begging for her attention by buying her things?

And plan your wedding to your budget. If the money magically appears, decline it.

Either fake covid at Christmas or withdraw the invitation.

And get your fiance counselling as his Christmas present

[Woewoewoejoy]

I think it's a blessing in disguise. Don't ask for the money or take the money. You won't hear the end of it for their rest of their/your lives/life!