To not want DS18 working from home fulltime?

[Haltonplacmat]

DS has been offered a full-time work from home job as a customer service agent for a huge company (think SKY etc). He's a college dropout and will be getting a bloody good salary considering (nearly 1600 a month). So I am chuffed for him and relived he won't be sat on his arse on the dole but I'm concerned about him working from home. It's 9-6 5 days a week and he already never goes out. He gets very letharic and is incredibly lazy, only going out to get food. He couldn't be arsed keeping in touch with school or college friends and whinges that he can't get a girlfriend but doesn't put himself in the position to get one. He just sneaks the odd one night stand in from Tinder occasionally but I got sick of that and told him it's unacceptable and that the next time it happens I'm coming into the room and calling the girl a taxi. I'd be happy for a proper girlfriend (in fact, I'd love him to have a girlfriend, it'd do him the world of good) to sleep over but I'm not have a revolving door of random girls. He gets lonely and depressed but refuses to seek support, and as I said he doesn't bother keeping friends or making new ones.

I'm just worried he'll work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep and won't have any other life causing him to sink further into depression. While the pay seems v good, being sat in him room doing customer service calls for 9 hours, nipping out to get some food, coming home to sleep and doing the same each day on repeat just sounds utterly soul destroying. DS is just excited about the pay but I don't know what he'll spend it on. I'll probably charge him £300 in rent/keep and transfer his phone bill to him etc but it's not like he'll be going out and having fun with it as he should be at his age. And obviously the pay is providing he doesn't get sacked (he has trouble waking up in the morning). I was really looking forward to him getting a job thinking it would get him out of the house and meeting people but that won't be happening now.

I also have a DP (self-employed in trade, in and out of the house a lot, constantly having equipment delivered and putting it together so you can always hear him going about his business during the day) and 3 year old DD. I'm worried we'll all have to be creeping around like mice in our own home while DS is working as it’s phone work. The house is a tiny terrace. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean it to sound like I'm not happy for him, we're getting takeaway and champagne tonight to celebrate with him, I'm just worried about his mental health. I know he's an adult and I have no say and I'm not going to tell him not to take the job, but WIBU to gently encourage him to keep on looking or take the job but still search for something else? Or is that too interfering?

[Haltonplacmat]

Seems a lot of people think I should get a grip and you're probably all correct. I will say though that all I have posted about here comes from genuine concern for him, I promise it's not a case of "Hmpphh I don't want him here/he should be at uni/WFH is bad" etc. I also apologise if I've offended anybody working from home, again my only concern was DS being isolated. He does get very depressed and had 2 suicide attempts as a teenager and so missed a lot of school. His MH is why he left college. He's a lot better now but still doesn't see anybody and says himself he is lonely and would like some lad mates and a GF. He was also looking for a job to accommodate that as well as the wage but now he's been offered this. I don't know. I suppose though that the wage will allow him to join a gym (he's just declared he's doing that, that would be brill for him) and he's also said he'll get on with learning to drive and fund his own car. He likes videography and he'd like to be able to travel to places (cites, natural beauty areas) to film for his videos so a car would be good for that. When he's depressed he loses interest in everything.

I suppose I just had visions of him sitting in a dark room all day working and then going to sleep and being depressed and lonely but this could also be the best thing that ever happened to him. I understand he's v lucky to have this job and he gets that too, he was disheartened by constant rejections from shops etc. He certainly wasn't lazy in his job search, I meant more that he is lazy physically and doesn't help around the house. As I said, I do worry about him getting up in time for work as he stays in bed all day but in his fairness, he had nothing to get up for. Now he does. Anyway, you've all told me what I needed to hear. I just had a bit of a wobble, due to his history I worry myself sick about him but a full-time job with a good wage is absolutely a huge step in the right direction.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Let's face it, if he isn't doing this job not only is he isolated and doing no physical activit but he also has no job."

Yes, but he's 18 and living at home. He's unlikely to starve without a job.

[WitchesSpelleas]

Lockdown won't be forever. Hopefully he'll make friends in his job - if it's a big company like that they are bound to have virtual socialising - Zoom quizzes and the like - once we are free to meet up and socialise in real life, hopefully this will translate into real-life friendships, even if your son is naturally not a very outgoing person.

It sounds like a good opportunity for him - wishing him every success!

[LimitIsUp]

I don't think the OP has spoken about her son badly. She has just given her frank appraisal of her misgivings about her son's recent habits and lifestyle, and she is coming from a place of concern rather than censure.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Well done him!

In terms of not having enough space/noise, as long as he has somewhere to sit where he can close the door it will be fine - everyone is used to the occasional interruption these days since everyone started working from home.

In terms of money, agree with him now (a) what rent and bills he’ll pay and (b) what a reasonable timescale is for him to move out. He shouldn’t just assume he can live with you forever now he’s earning good money (unless you’re happy with that).

In terms of motivation, sounds like he couldn’t be doing much less than he’s doing now anyway, so maybe having to work 9-5 or whatever his hours are will actually make him more motivated to use his time off more productively. When you have endless time it’s hard to bother doing much whereas if you only have a few precious hours a day not working you’re much more likely to use it doing something valuable, whether that’s socialising, a hobby, chores etc. I think you should be as supportive as possible rather than focusing on the downsides.

[user1481840227]

He never goes out but where is he supposed to go? There have been restrictions in place for most of the year.

He meets girls from tinder but you put a stop to that, I'm not sure about dating at 18 but maybe that's how they start it, sex which might lead to relationships. If you are worried about his self esteem I don't think stopping him from having sex is the right way to go about things! A lack of human touch can have a severe impact on an already lonely and depressed person.

If it's a huge company then there might be opportunities for further job progression where they can attend training courses etc, he might meet people through that...so while his job may be home based now (and still in future) that doesn't mean that he won't ever meet people through his job.

[IntermittentParps]

I can't get past the bit about a (hypothetical) girlfriend. How would people start a sexual relationship at the moment? Surely with Covid we can't.

[LemonTT]

Maybe people do think in those terms of their children 🤷‍♀️ Don’t know how you would actually write it down and not need to reflect on yourself

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@OP you haven’t said whether the job will be in a call centre when Covid restrictions end?

[TooLittleTooLate80]

Well he should definitely take the job. Whether or not he keeps on looking should be reviewed once he can assess how the job is going and you can assess any negative impact it may be having on the household in general.

Some of your expectations are naive though - this sounds as good a job as he can get short term given the way of the world and the amazing light you've painted him in.

Whilst the Tinder situation certainly isn't great, I'm not sure why you think it's relevant to your title.

Hope it works out for him.

[averythinline]

I can see where your coming from with the concerns over the isolation but your update is much better- I do think some ground rules need to be set .... after celebrating - he obviuosly has good stuff going for him to even get this sort of job ..

I'm working with a number of young colleagues who are working in their bedrooms currently - had to tell them about blurring the backgrounds :)
its a strange world at the minute so if you can help him set up - maybe if you can loan him the money/suggest he gets some good proper noise cancelling headphones - we splashed out on the Sony ones - black friday could be a good opportunity for that sort of thing! makes a massive difference
our organisation is really trying to engage with new staff recognising how weird it is that they done get to meet their teams...

yes there maybe pitfalls but this could be the start of something good especially if a big organisation- they are often better at that sort of thing ....fingers crossed

[newstart1337]

I would be worried if this had been going on for years. But he is an 18yo just starting his job, give him a break.

His confidence and bank balance will increase over the next year. After the pandemic is over his situation will probably look completely different.

[Coffeeandcocopops]

Fantastic. 18 years old, limited qualifications, COVID-19 , huge unemployment and your son gets a job!! He must of impressed them in the interview.

All young people starting work are going to be in this situation. Gradually they will organise social / networking events I’m sure.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

maybe if you can loan him the money/suggest he gets some good proper noise cancelling headphones - we splashed out on the Sony ones - black friday could be a good opportunity for that sort of thing!

Would not the employer provide a headset as part of the job? She says they are a big organisation and presumably they need their staff to come across professionally to customers, without background noise.

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

I couldn't imagine thinking my child was going to get sacked straight away and having as much doubt in him as you've expressed here. How sad


This. OP you sound awful. Poor boy! You're supposed to be his cheerleader FFS!

[Newuser991]

@MaskingForIt

On £1600 a month he can move out and get a room in a shared house.

I would actually do that if my mother spoke about me in that way at that age.

Is anything good enough. Most people are wfh right now. It's good money. He won't be doing nothing all day. Poor man give him a chance.

[lanthanum]

He should take the job. He'll find out if it's soul-destroying, and can apply elsewhere, but he'll have some work experience to add to his cv. At the moment, just getting a new job is enough to be going on with.

He needs to get a decent headset to minimise background noise - you shouldn't need to tiptoe around.

Socialising is difficult at the moment for everyone. Does he socialise at all online? I think probably you have to wait until there are more options available before pushing on that one. And he is 18 - so you need to tread warily on interfering, either on this or on exercise. We all know that he should go for a walk round the block during his lunch hour, but he's probably not going to see it as easily!

[Roselilly36]

You don’t sound very supportive OP. I think your son is amazing to get a job in these crazy times. Good on him. Hopefully, he can build some confidence, create a positive with ethic.

[Roselilly36]

Work not with!

[nosswith]

Set rules, be glad that he has a well-paid job for his age. Have to agree about the revolving door of women.

[Melaniaswig]

My daughter worked from home as a customer advisor for a field that’s been extremely busy during the pandemic. It went on for weeks with him sat in his bedroom for weeks, working long and stressful days. She was delighted to finally get back to the office and see his friends again.

You will have to be quiet whilst he’s working. Not easy in a small house like ours.

On the plus side though, it’s a job and as @Hailtomyteeth says, he’ll get laid (I’m not sure that’s what she meant to say😂)!!

[justconcedealready]

I hope he keeps the job, saves up his money, so he can find a place of his own.

I also hope he DOESN'T get a girlfriend in the near future as he has nothing to offer a girlfriend: no motivation, no interests... he needs to get a life of his own and sort himself out before he involves someone else in his life. Perhaps encourage him to join some groups...

[RealBecca]

He's 18, got himself a good job and having the odd one night stand....He's 18! It doesn't sound like hes particularly well supported at home.

"We'll have to creep around"
"I'm be walking in on him with another girl"
"He doesn't go out"

OP, he's probably quite happy earningg and saving money in the safety of his home and tugging himself senseless with the odd break for a food and sex. Leave him be rather than TELLING him HOW he has to be happy your way.