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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to wake DD (9 months) in the middle of the night just so we can all have a nice meal?

51 replies

jumpyjan · 19/10/2007 09:40

Would really like some opinions as this is an issue that keeps coming up.

My 9 month old DD is very settled in her routine and as a result of which she goes to bed without any fuss at all at about 7 every night - in the early days she was a nighmare and we never thought we would get to the point where she did this and slept through till morning.

Some family want us to visit for Christmas but have said they are fully booked with other family and suggested we stay in a hotel. I have said to DH that I don't see the point in staying over (its close enough that we could just visit for the day) because we would all have to leave at 7 and put DD to bed in the hotel room and we would obviously have to stay in the hotel room too - so not much of a fun night. DH and the rest of the family are of the opinion that we should put DD to sleep in a room upstairs then wake her when we would want to leave (about 11pm) for our hotel room.

I don't want to do this as I would feel really mean waking her up like this and I think she would be very upset. Also it might take a while for her to settle in a strange room in the first place so it could be quite a stressful night for all of us.

I feel really fed up and a bit down because I feel that family keep being inconsiderate of the fact that we now have a baby and feel that noone gives us any support or consideration (i.e. an offer of accommodation if we are going to stay over, or an offer of babysitting once in a while, some understanding that we can't just jump in the car and drive for hours like we used to) and as a result we have to say no to everything.

Am I being too uptight about her routine to not want to wake her up like this? My suggestion is that we just go for lunch and leave in time to get DD home around bedtime. At the moment I actually feel like just not going at all as I feel totally fed up with all of them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
jumpyjan · 19/10/2007 10:47

Littlemissbloated - yes, sorry think I am generally pd off with DH's family. The routine/bedtime issue is not an excuse not to see them its just them being inconsiderate about it is another reason for me to be pd off with them and not really want to see them.

Themoon66 - I agree entirely. You would think that one of them would think hang on perhaps the people with the baby could stay here as it would be much easier for them - but no chance - staying at the hotel is basically less fun and you would feel slightly left out of things so there is no chance that any of them would offer and its too awkward to ask.

Sorry I didn't realise how angry I am about all of this!

I have another idea - we spend christmas with my family! DH would actually be up for that so maybe thats the solution.

OP posts:
LittleMissBloated · 19/10/2007 10:52

in that case, totally understand why you wouldnt wanted want to break dd routine for people who are not accomodating to you! spend it with your family, dont put yourself out for them if they wont for you

NumberSix · 19/10/2007 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 19/10/2007 10:54

I would let DH goon hisown.If they really wanted to seee you and dd they would do their utmost to make it possible.

LittleMissBloated · 19/10/2007 10:59

or just tell them straight! (get DH to do this bit, its his family so he can tell them)you will not wake DD to tranfer her to a hotel so unless they offer you a room and some else stay at the hotel then you can't possibly come.

MamaG · 19/10/2007 11:01

JJ, I completely sympathise with you. I had to work extremely hard to settle DS into a night time routine.

DD (eldest child) was a very portable baby, bedtimes could be changed/location etc and she was fine

DS on the other hand was a beast if anything at all changed.

If you can't sleep at the house of the people you are spending the day with, then spend the day with them and go home so you'll be back in time for her usual sleep routine.

A trial run at a friend's house is a good idea, as your DD may surprise you, but if it doesn't work out, just go home as I said above.

Don't let DH's family pressure you! She's your baby, you make the rules.

miobombino · 19/10/2007 11:02

From what you describe..I wouldn't go ! Too disruptive especially if her routine would be upset for days afterwards. Of my 4 children, only 1 would have been unlikely to wake after being moved like that. The others would regard 3-4 hours sleep, followed by being woken and carried into the cold air into a car, as a time for serious playing or maybe crying, followed by being awake for a LONG time. No thanks ! Going for lunch maybe, but hotel ? No way.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 19/10/2007 11:03

Thats the thing number6, if we were staying at the house I would be quite looking forward to it now as I think it would all be fine and we could have a nice evening. I just don't feel like we can ask someone to swap with us and stay at the hotel (I would even be prepared to pay for the hotel room) and I know none of them will offer.

That did cross my mind Dropdeadfred.

Part of me is a bit wary aswell as MIL basically ruined DD's first holiday and I don't want her to do the same to her first Christmas. (I know DD is unaware but its the memories of the event - I can't even look at pictures of the holiday now as it makes me feel upset). She is not a horrible person or anything its just DD's arrival is all about her being a grandmother and she basically thinks I should be bringing her up as she bought DH and his brothers and sisters up. And she does not seem interested in DD - she just wants to take photos of her to show her friends!

OP posts:
Original poster
jumpyjan · 19/10/2007 11:11

Thanks everyone. Thing is she is such a good baby she never cries so long as we stick to her routine. We have gone from her crying when being put down to sleep (for looooong periods!) to now drifting off happily without a sound - I want to protect this. I obviously know her very well and I know she would cry lots if we woke her up and drove her to the hotel - I would be very very very surprised if she didn't.

I know its not the end of the world and DH's family think - shes a baby, babies cry. But to me obviously she is not just a baby, she is a little person who does not actually cry hardly at all - unless something that she is very unhappy about happens (i.e. being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night!)

OP posts:
LittleMissBloated · 19/10/2007 11:18

when my xdp's gran was 80 they had a family get together and xdp and i were going to stay in a b&b with ds (can take ds anywhere, hes very portable and doesnt mind strange places) but the family wouldnt hear of it and we got the ensuite guest room at his grans house, it makes it so much easier if people take the baby into consideration! really do sympathise with they sound like a bunch of sefish bleeps if you ask me

NumberSix · 19/10/2007 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NumberSix · 19/10/2007 11:22

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Caroline1852 · 19/10/2007 11:34

I am confused now. Do you not want to go because you are upset with your in laws, MIL in particular? Or do you not want to go because it will upset your DD's routine?

LittleMissBloated · 19/10/2007 11:43

of course she doesnt want to upset dd'd routine but i think she would do it on this sepical occasion IF her inlaws were a bit more accommodating to their dd's needs than their own selfish ones

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 11:47

Well if not one of the relatives would swap to the hotel for you, then I would say stuff the lot of em.

Go to your relatives instead and enjoy yourself. You've spend enough time stressing over it and it's still only October FFS.

Put this behind you....

kindersurprise · 19/10/2007 12:14

Does the other family who are staying at the house have young children? I suppose it would depend on their ages, I would have found it easier with a 9mth old tbh, than now with a 5 and 3 yo. But I do have to add that our DCs are highly portable, we have even got them up in the middle of the night to go on holiday when we had a 8hour drive.

I agree that if they cannot accomodate you, and they sound like they are very selfish, then perhaps you would have a much better time at your family's house.

I sometimes have to laugh at friend's misconceptions about what their life will be like when they have a baby. One friend was insistant that he would still be able to go the cinema once the baby was born, he would just take the baby with him in her carseat, babys sleep all the time anyway.

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 12:32

PMSL at thought of a baby in a car seat in the cinema. Wonder where he got the idea from.... after all, how often have you seen babies in car seats in cinemas?

kindersurprise · 19/10/2007 12:45

No idea where he got the idea from. Funny thing is, his DD is now 3yo and they have not been out for a meal/cinema once since she was born. He does not want his MIL to look after his PFB at night (even though she had her during the day when my friend was working)

Original poster
jumpyjan · 19/10/2007 12:59

The family staying at the house don't have any children - we are the only ones with a child and I think that is part of the problem. All the younger members of the family are yet to discover what its like to have a baby and the older ones did it very differently to us and think we should not worry about routines.

Caroline - Littlemiss has hit the nail on the head - I am worried about her routine but would be ok with going if the family were a little more considerate of our needs and would put us up for the night.

Am seriously thinking about going to my family's now. My sister has children so it might be more fun for DD too.

Themoon66 - I know - DH's family started going on about christmas in August! I would rather worry about it end of Nov/early Dec.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 19/10/2007 13:34

Go to your family's. If the inlawsask whyjust say you couldn't turn down the kind offer to stay with the family and not disruppt dd's sleep.

I wonder if they don't want you to stay anyway cos dd may wakethem all up early the next day? perhaps mil wants the fun of seeing her when its hours to suit her?

NumberSix · 19/10/2007 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kindersurprise · 19/10/2007 14:01

Oh, good idea Dropdeadfred, JJ goes to party, goes to hotel at 7pm then takes DD round to MILs at 8am next morning, "because we know you would like to spend more time with her"

I have heard of cinemas doing special parent and child showings, number6. They did not have that in my day >. Not that our friend was interested in something like that, he was thinking more along the lines of Terminator/Jurassic Park

Baffy · 19/10/2007 14:10

We have always taken ds wherever we go and then just moved him/put him in car seat etc when we are ready to go.

I think this works for us because H and I are very relaxed about this sort of thing, are happy to have turns settling him if necessary, not too bothered if he stays up late now and again etc...

But I think that is the key. If you are unsettled, you are unable to have a glass of wine and let dh share the burden if dd doesn't settle well - then dd will pick up on it. And imo, that would lead to a thoroughly miserable time for all of you.

You have to go with what suits you best in my opinion. I would never have changed our plans for ds's routine, I always believed that he should fit into our lives as much as possible, and that his routine at home was strong enough to overcome one or two night's disruption. Ds is happy, settled, and now totally unphased by changes to his routine.
Babies generally do sleep anywhere though - and we definitely have made the most of that

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 19/10/2007 15:42

I do think that I would be the same as you and it's so IRRITATING to have to justify what you're doing as a parent all the time. I agree with the consensus. I think go for what is best for you as a family. That is the utmost priority. So, from what you've said, it sounds like either stay on your own as a lovely family, go and see your family where you will be welcomed and have fun, go for lunch with DH's family or for the day and evening if they can put you up. DON'T be bothering with hotels with everything you've said - there has to be a lot on offer for that to be worth it in my opinion. It is difficult to state your case but don't forget that you guys call the shots now - you are parents in your own rights.

Original poster
jumpyjan · 19/10/2007 15:56

Thanks putthatinyourpipe. I think part of the problem is that I have always been so accommodating when it comes to DH's family - even when they have really got on my nerves I have never let it show and to an extent I think they have pushed me around a bit in the past. Not intentionally perhaps but they are all strong characters and you have to go along with their way of doing things if you want a quiet life. But of course with DD arriving I have to be a lot more forthright and do what I think is best for her and I think that is why we don't get on so well anymore.

Thanks for laying out the options. When I look at it like that it seems obvious that we should go to my family and make it clear to DH's family that we can only visit if we are accommodated properly (will let him do that bit!)

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