To sometimes want my Dh to ask if I need any cash?

[mrsmerton]

Yes, I know he pays the mortgage, and the bills.

I do my bit, scrimping where necesssary. I do not expect wads of cash to be flung in my direction. We don't have it anyway.

But never, NOT ONCE in the whole 20 years we have been together, has he ever said" Do you need any cash?" to take kids out, get a takeaway instead of cooking, buy presents for family. The nature of my job means I don't get paid during the 6 week summer break. So am broke. Don't feel I can ask, although he says he would always give if I did. I JUST WANT HIM TO ASK ME!!!! Rant over.

I keep track of our balance and when dh's trainers and cd's are piling up I cough slightly and he says 'but they were in the sale' or 'oh these? got them ages ago'

he is a woman really

LOL Caroline. I think he would be prepared to overspend on that one.....

yanbu

I have just decided to become sahm and my maternity pay will finish in feb then I will have no income of my own sob sob
I don't like the idea of 'asking' dh for money but he is space cadet and would not think that I needed any

See, my dh scruffs around wearing old worn out clothes, because he has no money left at the end of the month to buy anything for himself.

He allows himself £70 a week money for....not quite sure really, as he travels to work for free.

I want him to relax about money, within reason. Or get a betterpaid job.

Paying off credit card balance each month is a good idea, otherwise it just gets more and more.

Have fun now pay later is not a great motto to live by. Later will arrive one day and it won't be fun at all.

There is a difference between not approving of the controlling nature of this arrangement and you consequent lack of independence and not approving of being sensible with money.

I have to come off now, as ds wants to go on Cbeebies on the PC and I have a mound of washing to do.

Thanks ladies for all your advice and opinions.

I will be having a chat with dh tonight to try and get to the bottom of it all.

Your finances sound a bit messed up if you have no money at the end of the month but dh has £280 to spend on himself every month. Do you have £280 to spend on yourself? Or even on the kids? (Not that that should all be funded by you anyway).

Staying out of debt makes sense if you can, and clearly you can on a very tight budget, but as Tigana said, this seems like a very controlling arrangement which doesn't acknowledge your right to have access to your family's money.

I am always totally intrigued, and also mystified by people who don't have a joint account. Our account runs like Olive's and gobbledispook. We very rarely don't pay off our credit card in full.
Maybe a joint account is not the answer for you, but something clearly needs to change.

I would recommend making a list of all your outgoings - I think moneysupermarket or whatever do spread sheets

then get everything you can on direct debit so all gas/electric etc are covered and you don't get clobbered every 3 months with a huge bill

work out what is left and talk about what to do with it

save some, treats for children, haircut for you, ???? for dh

then he can burn his book and relax a bit hopefully

we know all our outgoings apart from weekly food shop are covered so any spare money is to do with as we BOTH see fit

Yes, it would definitely, definitely be wrong to not pay the whole Credit Card bill off each month. If you need a loan, get a loan at a low rate of interest. Don't waste money on credit card interest. If you don't have the money to pay for something now, how will you cope next month when you also have the additional cost of interest at a stupid rate?

"He will not even entertain the idea of going overdrawn, not one penny. I am overdrawn most of the time, and it doesn't bother me." Sounds to me like you have very different ideas about managing money. You need to work these through before setting up a system you can both work with. For what its worth, I wouldn't go one penny overdrawn either.

WE have 1 account money goes in and out as needed. We agreed not to spend over £100 on anything without consulting each other (apart from presents though we don;t always have to spend that amount) I don;t work atm as I have a 3 year and are prgt but when I go back I'll pay my wages into the joint account also.

Have you talked to him about this?

We have one account, no credit cards and no overdraft. If we don't have the money then we don't spend it. If we want something we save for it.

Dh may be the main earner atm, but the money in the account is ours. I'm worse than him in terms at spending wisely, but he still trusts me with all the everyday spending.

We would talk about single items over £50 and whether they were necessary or not. I think most couples do that (maybe with a bigger amount depending on income).

Dh is keen on keeping track of what we're spending. As we've never been in debt I can safely say that it works for us.

And we'll not be going to Disneyland in the near future (or ever), but we aren't falling out over money.

To answer your opening question: he is a (hu)man, and unless asked he will not do.

You could always teach him how to be a mind reader

Would recommend you getting a joint account as well.

We have joint accounts and we do a spreadsheet together every month so we both know exactly where we stand (moneywise anyway ).

I would go overdrawn for say, a boiler repair or new washing machine needed unexpectedly but not for a disneyland paris holiday.

Living beyond one's means always results in misery of the longer term variety.

Back again. I know we def. have very different ideas regarding money. He has, and always will be, a cautious saver. I am a spender, but not stupidly.

I respect the way he is with money in lots of ways, we don't have much but we can keep a roof over our head, kids nice presents etc.

I think my issues are more to do with feeling I'm 'not allowed'. He takes such care keeping our heads above water, and worrying about it.

I am more carefree, perhaps I am in a position to be since I'm not the one having to put all my wages into the family. Still can't get my head around it, though!

MrsM tour H sounds a lot like mine. His ex wife ran up a lot of debts when they were together, so he is meticulous in monitoring his bank account now (note I say his account, he won't have a joint one because of said debts).

He will go overdrawn only if it can't be helped, but like you we don't really have any cash to spare after bills etc have been paid.

My mat pay is about to end, and he says he will transfer an amount each month to cover food and some extra for whatever I want.

Having read all this thread, I think we're overdue a discussion about it, as I'm just not comfortable about the whole thing. I suppose we're both coming at it with 'baggage' as I had joint account with my ex, and whilst he was happy to spend any surplus on himself, I felt I had to 'ask' (ex was earning more than me at that time)

Likewise my DH is a scruffy sod and doesn't buy clothes for himself, and I've found myself going without as it seems frivolous to buy for me (although, to be fair, he's NEVER asked me to do this). Unfortunately for the little bit of me that is materialistic, my DH is not, as has no wish to get a better paid job just so we can splash the cash. His job is fairly well paid anyway.

I'd be interested to know what you decide to do on this one....

I used Disneyland as an example of how some of my friends spend on hols without worrying about the consequences. I don't really want to go there, just a holiday without scrimping would be nice.

Seems your DH and mine are made from the same mould!

Difference being, you feel you are 'not allowed' whereas I feel I cannot allow myself (DH fairly ok about me spending 'his' money, it's me that feels I need to contribute some of my own before spending it)

SpongeBob, I saw your posting on the other thread about 'equality' in relationships. We are in a similar situation!

I earn some money with my job, enough to keep me in frivolous things, but I do feel guilty that my dh doesn't spend on himself, or chooses not to because he will not put it on credit.

I can see the sense of that, but its boring! Isn't life too short to say, 'Oh I paid my bill off every month but looked like a tramp while I was doing it?

It is mostly about trust this isn't it? It sounds as though he has every reason to trust you completely financially If it is not about trust then it is about control. Probably more complex and probably goes back to not being breasfed for long enough or having his pocketmoney stolen when he was 3 or having his first girlfriend chuck him for a new boyfriend with incredibly organised finances.

I'm with some of the other posters who can't understand the lack of joint account, although I'm probably more like your DH in that I like to know where the money is going!

Both our wages (his fulltime, my partime) go into our joint account. We both have our own accounts, which we transfer money into every month for personal spending. We also have a monthly budget that we try to stick to, with a savings account for holidays, christmas, emergencies etc. I wasn't always this sadly organised (I even have a spreadsheet for monthly spending, that's how sad I am!) but having run my own business I just got used to keeping receipts for work and sticking to ta budget and when our monthly income halved after DD was born I thought it made sense to tranfer some of those skills.

I could never be in a situation where I had to ask for money - I'd hate it. Having said that our system works because we both have a similar attitude to money and both want to avoid getting into debt.

Oh I so understand that mrsmerton. It is the need to know that they're thinking about your needs which is so important. Even if they can't manage to give you what you want just knowing that they were proactive and raised the issue makes all the difference.

Thankyou Journey! You have hit the nail on the head. I feel I am 'left to get on with it'.

I probably wouldn' t even take the flipping money half the time, but just to know he is thinking, does she need anything?