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To think dh should at least have 'car checking duties' as part of his responsibilities

50 replies

handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:34

Dh doesn't really have any responsibilities around the house.

Tbh I am happy with that since he works long hours, and I am a SAHM with 12 hours cleaning input a week - so that's a fairly generous level of help. It's a large house with 2 smelly hairy dogs so the cleaner's hours don't actually cover all of it - hence on top of that I do an hour of cleaning / tidying every day plus all food preparation (and washing up afterwards etc) I am not totally idle ....(also have dog walks, some Pre-School chair work and PTA stuff)

Anyway to the point, one of the school gate dads noticed that two of my tyres were almost bald today. Pretty dangerous given the wet conditions.

Now I don't think tasks should have to be split on traditional gender lines, and yes I am capable of monitoring my own car...but AIBU to expect dh to take some responsibilities at home - namely a monthly check of car tyres, tyre pressure etc ?

I sort of feel resentful about having to take that on too because he is so lacksaidaiscal

Perhaps I handled it badly but I rang him at work and told him about the tyres and pointed out that perhaps he should be checking them. He hung up - clearly piqued .

So shall I just be practical and stick it on my wall calendar for me to check tyres once per month...?

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 09/10/2007 11:47

yeah, but come on, I have done the stay-at-home thing in my time and i didn't ring DW up at work to moan.

duchesse · 09/10/2007 11:52

I think that many men are better at staying relaxed about many things than many women. Maybe this is because they don't get as tired, or don't express things in quite the same way; I'm generalising wildly here but it seems to me that some men under stress tend to react violently, whereas some women under stress tend to feel more helpless and may become whiny and disempowered. Hence the difference in reactions.

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 09/10/2007 11:55

just read the op
yes he should do car checking
never ever do it myself.

vacua · 09/10/2007 11:55

Supporting everyone is quite a big domestic responsibility. Try it on for size?

ChantillyLace · 09/10/2007 12:38

YABU whoever uses the car most should really check it, though we tend to share that particular duty.

I always do oil check/change, tyre check/change, water check/change, I put in new plugs and can even do brake discs. I'm not trained to do so, self taught because if he works and helps with the housework and I work and help with the housework, why should I expect him to do the car on his own??

ChantillyLace · 09/10/2007 12:39

Oh and have to say I would NEVER ring him at work to moan, and wouldn't expect him to do it to me. I'd just discuss it with him later over dinner.

Pixel · 09/10/2007 12:53

Dh works long hours so I tend to organise everything to do with the children and house, pay bills etc. However, I do 'remind' him now and again that the oil/water/tyres etc need checking on the car even though I should be capable and used to sort my other cars out myself. This is because dh doesn't drive. When we go away anywhere I end up doing all the pre-holiday shopping (food/gas etc for camping usually), organising pet sitting, packing for all four of us etc etc, PLUS doing all the driving which is bloomin' tiring. I don't see why he can't at least look after the car if he wants to be chauffered around in it

UnquietDad · 09/10/2007 12:59

pixel - I don't drive either - always interested to hear about other men who don't as we are seen as 'strange'. Mind you, I have a medical reason. DW's BIL and two close friends don't either, simply because they have never wanted/needed to. (Derren Brown doesn't either - he's convinced he'd "kill someone in thirty seconds." That's how I feel!)

kindersurprise · 09/10/2007 13:04

I agree in principle that whoever drives the car should check it, but admit that I always leave that to DH. I know, womens lib and all that, but I do think that if anyone is going to get filthy oily fingers then it should be DH. (Especially as he is a car buff so enjoys doing all the manly car things)

We are an old fashioned household, DH's responsibilities are emptying bins, mowing lawns, car maintanence. I do everything else. He works long hours and has a lot of stress but he actually feels better when he does something menial like cutting the grass.

The phoning him at work is something that depends on how often you normally phone. If you would normally only phone him when the house is on fire/dog ate the hamster/washing maschine blows up then it was probably not a good idea to ring him.
If you often speak during the day then it would be ok.

chocchipcookie · 09/10/2007 13:05

YANBU because it is a safety issue. Yes, you should have checked but so should he. This tyre change just happened to me this week, we both work, and I was a bit fed up (I noticed they were bald, he didn't) but DH did take the car in to get the tyres done.
Do you have a wall calendar that you could mark up with checks for the car?
When I write things down they seem to get done but not when I ask

kindersurprise · 09/10/2007 13:06

And lol at Dadada wonder about the ulterior motive of the school gate knight in shining armour

kindersurprise · 09/10/2007 13:06


chocchipcookie · 09/10/2007 13:07

Maybe he'd like to come round and help at home?

jelliebelly · 09/10/2007 13:08

Ringing him at work was probably a mistake but you are not being unreasonable in wanting him to take responsibility for some household duties. You might be a bit unreasonable for "expecting" it though. In our household we are both very clear about who is responsible for what but it has taken over 10 years to get there!

LilBloodRedWantsGore · 09/10/2007 13:11

Only read the OP, but think that you are being unreasonable calling him at work to moan about your car.

If you would like your DH to help out around the house more or cook occassionally, then discuss it with him when he's at home.

I think the issue here isn't your car really. I think it is that although you say, "Dh doesn't really have any responsibilities around the house. Tbh I am happy with that since he works long hours.", that you are not happy with the situation at all.

handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 13:49

"Supporting everyone is quite a big domestic responsibility. Try it on for size?"

Yes thanks for that vacua - so is bringing up my children virtually single handedly (with just a little bit of weekend input)
[bites tongue emoticon]

OP posts:
kekouan · 09/10/2007 14:11

My partner does the general looking after where the car is concerned (fills screenwash, checks tires, organises MOT's etc) because it's our car (not just mine).

I drive it most of the time though, so I keep an eye on the tires, lights etc (and at this time of year I'd check them myself anyway!)

He's in charge of general maintenace, but as I would spot day-to-day problems, I make sure I look out for them.

TellusMater · 09/10/2007 14:19

I'm not saying he shouldn't have a thing, but why should this be his thing? In our house, it is DH's thing, but that's because he loves tinkering with machines. It's his hobby. So all aspects of car maintenance fall under that umbrella. But it does rather seem that you are deciding, after the event, that because you haven't done it, he should somehow have divined that you wanted him to.

But yes, he should certainly have something that he can point to as his contribution to the home as it were, apart from bringing in the dosh.

Am a bit scared of posting this.

Your name....

bozza · 09/10/2007 14:24

In retrospect I think that the posters who have mentioned that it is your car and so really your responsibility unless you have explicitly asked DH to take on the responsibility are correct. And someone had a good point that during the week at this time of year your DH will hardly see the car in daylight. I am assuming here, that your DH has his own car.

However as a more general principle I think your DH should have some responsibility within the household. So overall I think you are right, but it sounds to me like you have let it niggle at you, until you get to the last straw position (were you embarassed by the school gate dad?) and then you ring him at work and complain. That is something I recognise in myself, although we have a different household pattern (I work part-time and DH does have domestic duties).

vacua · 09/10/2007 14:27

Sorry sorry, having a Bad Day and am doing it all myself - 24/7 365 days a year so I guess I was thinking 'don't sweat the small stuff'. It's probably wholly reasonable to expect him to do a bit of basic car maintenance, I wouldn't know how to do it myself I just get them checked.

handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 14:30

Yes bozza - you're right. That's it in a nutshell

Have since had pleasant phone conversation with dh btw

You have nothing to fear from me tellusmater ...however vacua might with her sanctimonious comments. Don't care if she knows Stephen Fry - I'll 'ave her so I will!

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 14:31

ooops we cross posted. Now I have to do the humble stuff...(small voice - sorry!)

How do you know Stephen Fry then? [nosey emoticon]

OP posts:
vacua · 09/10/2007 14:33

Helped a bit with Secret Life documentary, picture was only there because I confessed elsewhere to sticking my tongue in his ear

handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 14:34

Blooming nora!

OP posts:
Bouncingturtle · 09/10/2007 15:03

Legally, YOU are responsible for ensuring your car is roadworthy. So you are BU in that respect. However there is no reason why he couldn't help around the house. You say he works long hours, but as a SAHM I imagine that you do as well, especially with all the activities you have outlined. So you are not BU asking him to help out more generally.
When it comes to something like doing basic checks on your car - you have to DIY that way you KNOW it is being done.

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