Upset and hurt by sisters lack of support with child care

[HairyPotteryaRotter]

Name changed for this due to previous posts with outing info and not wanting recognised by family in case they are on here !

Fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable, I am feeling hurt and looking for some advice and opinions.

I am a health care worker, and throughout lock down I have had to work as usual. I have a three year old son who is usually at nursery on the days that I work.

My sister has an older son, aged ten now, and is a single mum. During her DS's preschool years, she was in a relationship, and as they both worked, I would have her DS every Tuesday and every second thurs - I would self roster my shifts to accommodate this. I loved having him. At that point I didn't have a child and thought this may be the closest I would get to my own child ! My sister relied heavily on our parents for child care too - she worked Monday to fri, and every week day I didn't have him, my elderly mother and father would have him. I wanted to ease the burden for them a little too.

My husband and I deliberately chose to pay for childcare as we didn't want to be beholden to anyone for regular child care, and don't really like asking for favours. There were also issues such as disagreements about nap times, dummies etc that arose and I didn't want the drama quite honestly. I have made it clear to my sister I am happy to take her DS whenever I can, during the week or weekends or overnight. I take him regularly to help her out (not during lockdown when she was working from home and we weren't allowed to see anyone) and also because I enjoy spending time with him and our two get on great.

Several times I have asked for a childcare favour and she has said no because she's going to try and get a hair appt or because her DS is going to her dads. I hate asking and my no means take liberties. I feel like I would change my plans to accommodate child care for her but there is no reciprocation. This has just happened again for the weekend. My husband is self employed and when work comes up, he needs to be able to take it and if I am on shift, and my sister won't help, there is no nursery or anyone else to fall back on! I almost feel like saying no next time she asks me for a favour but I feel I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

My sis is due back in the office soon, and I think will be asking me for child care help. Any advice ? I am angry and upset.

We go on holiday together with the wee ones so it's definitely not that we don't get on or the kids don't get on!

Now that lockdown has eased slightly, my husband is returning to work.
Our son should have been in nursery three days a week still as I had paid for an extended place over the summer. Nursery is still closed and we are struggling for child care. My sis is working from home. My husband has some work come in for sat am. I am working a 12.5 hr shift - I asked if she could help with child care and she said

[MaybeDoctor]

I don't think she sounds that bad, if she has said yes quite a bit and also has her own child to think about, who still needs care and attention.

I also think that you probably have to discount what happened years ago - that was the situation at the time and you did it willingly, right? She doesn't have an obligation to you forever for all future children you might have - although I know that you aren't thinking that way.

Something I find helpful when I am in a dilemma is to use scoring - it takes the emotion out of things and can be quite revealing. Go back over the last year and write down the occasions when you helped her and when she helped you. Allocate 2 points to the occasions when you helped her and 3 points to the occasions when she helped you, as a three year old is undoubtedly more work. What does the picture look like now?

It might be that an informal token system actually helps you to keep things feeling fair between you.

[heartsonacake]

YABU. You were/are happy to have her DS because in your own words you love having him, but that’s your choice. You don’t have to have her son.

Equally, she may love your child as their aunt, but she isn’t obliged to enjoy looking after them and providing childcare.

This isn’t a quid pro quo situation where you look after her child so she’ll look after yours. She’s not interested in providing childcare for you and she doesn’t have to. So if you want to withdraw your own help, fair enough.

[Whywhywhy321]

@HairyPotteryaRotter

At least four times I have asked, when I have needed child care for work reasons, she has said no - once because she had a hair apt booked (fair enough), then because her DS wasn't going to be in Cos he was at his dads, another time Cos she was going to try and get a hair apt (!!) and then because she was going to go food shopping (she drives and I think could have went before or after ). I wouldn't use these as excuses - I would try and change my arrangements if my sis was struggling for child care and I could help.

How come she has already had a hair appointment and is already trying to get another one? I thought that close contact services such as this have just started in the last week or so? Plus, there is such a backlog of people wanting appointments that it would be highly unlikely she would be trying to get an appointment at really short notice!

She is taking the piss, expecting you to look after her son, whilst not reciprocating and making flimsy excuses not to have your son! Stop being so obliging and tell her why!

[stayathomer]

Is there any other issue? Maybe she cant handle a young child? As for the 'when her child's not around' thing, I kind of get it, or maybe she thinks you're going to start it being a regular thing. Sorry op that's difficult but it isn't a reciprocal thing,and a 10yo is easier to mind than a 3yo

[HavingAMoan]

So 5 times out of 10 she’s said no? That’s hardly the same as always refusing.

[AnotherEmma]

"I feel like I would change my plans to accommodate child care for her"

Stop doing this. You have been far too accommodating.

She occasionally agrees to help you out when it suits her. When it doesn't suit her, she says no. You should do the same.

What you absolutely shouldn't do is agree to any kind of regular childcare eg when she has to go back to work in the office and her DC isn't back at school yet. She will have to make alternative arrangements.

For occasional and/or emergency childcare when her usual option isn't available, do it if you're available.

Btw, some of her reasons are fair enough and some are bullshit, I understand why you're put out!

Can you and your partner find some kind of babysitter for the weekends when both of you are working?

[PatchworkElmer]

If she’s genuinely only taking your DC when it’s convenient for her (about 50% of the time), but it going out of her way- just do the same. Take her DC when it really works for you, but do not change your plans to accommodate.

[PatchworkElmer]

^ sorry, that should be “isn’t going out of her way”

[NailsNeedDoing]

The shopping excuse was a crap one and she could have tried to be more helpful, but if you’ve only just asked her for childcare Saturday morning then I can understand why she said no. And I can understand her not wanting to look after someone else’s child in the small amount of time she doesn’t have her own child to look after.

[Gogogadgetarms]

Feels to me like she’s taking the piss.
You had her child for her on a regular basis and arranged your shift work to do so and she won’t take your child on a weekend when you and your DH are both working?
That’s pretty shitty IMO.

TBH I know how you feel so that may bias my viewpoint. However in your shoes I would (and have) started to be unavailable when she comes knocking for a favour. You don’t have to be nasty or have a big argument and it’s easier if done over text. It might make her stop for a moment and reflect on how she’s been taking lots of childcare from you and never reciprocating.

[mummmy2017]

Tell her the truth, you feel hurt that you would move you life around to have her child, but when you need help a hair appointment is more important to her.

[Livelovebehappy]

Must admit, when you’re a single mum, child free time is precious. I think the problem here is how accommodating you have been compared to her. But if you hadn’t been, I would tend to agree with your sisters decision not to have your dc during child free times. Presumably she has child free periods eow, and I know I used to really look forward to the break.

[Charleyhorses]

You need to tell her. Some people are totally time deaf on this stuff.
"I'm going food shopping"
"We are really stuck, could you postpone the shop until later?"
And
"I have always bent over backwards to help you, I think that this should be a bit more even between us".

[zingally]

Just be a WHOLE lot less available when she next comes crawling for favours.
These things work both ways.

[piscean10]

I think yabu because at the end of the day she is a single parent and doing everything by yourself is a job itself. You have your husband and that's one extra person to rely on for help.
I also think if her ds is with his dad then babysitting 3yo is really not something I would do. I have a 4yo myself. She probably looks forward to that downtime.

I think the problem is that she has boundaries and you didnt when it came to helping her out. You were very kind to shift your working times around for your Dn but you must realise that not everyone does that. And she does provide childcare sometimes for you, its just that you have high expectations about it.

If you feel really upset then it's also your right to say no.

[Fundays12]

My general experience is people like your sister who have had loads of help with childcare have no idea hard it actually is too get at times. It’s not an excuse but they just lack the understanding. Although in saying that if she is working from home you shouldn’t be asking her to have your child on those days. It’s a huge different thing looking after your own older child when working too looking after a much younger child who needs far more care. I doubt her boss would be happy about it either. I have said no to caring for family members children when working from home (prior to me having kids( though at weekends she could help but is choosing not too. She doesn’t want too help you when you need help so stop making yourself so available to help her. Let her sort her own childcare out and she will soon realise how easy she has had it which is probably what she needs.

[fuzzymoon]

Don't cut back with no explanation. That's how things go pear shaped.
Talk to her.
Say you're upset because you love having your nephew but you also do it to help her. That you wouldn't ask her if you weren't desperate and it hurts that it seems you don't want to help you out.
Be straight. Its the only way. You don't have to be nasty. Just honest.

[TW2013]

I think it might be time to find yourself a reliable, paid babysitter. Have their number handy next time your dsis asks you to babysit. Soon though she won't be needing anyone to look after her son, so you need to consider your relationship with him then.

[nostaples]

I'm with @fuzzymoon Just talk about it. It might be a misunderstanding.

[user1471590586]

Have you told her that you are upset that you helped with childcare and she won't? I would definitely tell her you won't be helping her in future and why.

[LemonTT]

I would be amused and bemused by someone telling me that “something doesn’t work for them”. It’s odd and passive aggressive. It could cause drama and a family fall out. Which won’t make life better for anyone.

You have explained on here why you don’t have time to help her out as before. Due to the current situation you are struggling to balance work and family life without childcare. Just tell her that. It might open up a conversation that stops you both racing to the bottom and opening up a family rift.

Her situation is more long term. As a single mother alone time is precious in a way it isn’t for people with another co parent in residence. Having time for a haircut isn’t incidental for a single parent.

My view is that neither of you have a great deal of insight into each other’s lives at the moment and that is leading to a lack of consideration.

[NoProblem123]

Sorry but your sister is a selfish, ungrateful bitch.

[heartsonacake]

@NoProblem123

Sorry but your sister is a selfish, ungrateful bitch.

No she isn’t. Your children are your problem; you need to find childcare for them and your relatives aren’t obliged to provide it.

[unlikelytobe]

If I understand correctly she does help you (50% of the times you asked) but sometimes can't or doesn't want to and you don't like her reasons/excuses. It's not like she never helps and she is in a different situation to you. I wouldn't see her as a CF based on what you've said so far but you're more obliging and flexible maybe.

So either start turning her down occasionally, to level the playing field or have an adult conversation with her. Maybe she does other things for you - you need to see the whole picture not just the bit that doesn't sit well with you. Tit for tat could be counter-productive!

[jacks11]

YANBU

As you don’t ask for help often, and you were really stuck for childcare, I think she should have helped unless she really couldn’t. I don’t think a grocery shop or trying to get a hair appointment is really a very good reason, it’s an excuse- a poor one at that. I don’t think it’s just the fact she’s said no about 50% of the times she’s been asked that has upset OP- it’s the fact she knew OP was really stuck for childcare and in a difficult position and her sister could have helped her out but chose not to.

She’s not obliged to help. And as a single parent she probably does value her child free time. BUT she’s also very happy to ask others to look after her child on a frequent basis and has been really well supported in the past. In her position, given the background of being helped out a lot, I think I would want to help my sister- even if it means one of my child free days are lost. The fact she does not feel inclined to help when it does not suit, but is happy for others to drop everything for her, does seem a little self-centred.

In future, I would only look after your nephew when it suits you to do so. No fuss or drama but if you have plans/work/not in the mood, then say no. Don’t plan you shifts around her needs, don’t cancel plans. She does not prioritise you, stop prioritising her.

You could talk to her about it- just say you were hurt that she couldn’t rearrange to help you out when you were really stuck, given that you help her out a lot.