Upset and hurt by sisters lack of support with child care

[HairyPotteryaRotter]

Name changed for this due to previous posts with outing info and not wanting recognised by family in case they are on here !

Fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable, I am feeling hurt and looking for some advice and opinions.

I am a health care worker, and throughout lock down I have had to work as usual. I have a three year old son who is usually at nursery on the days that I work.

My sister has an older son, aged ten now, and is a single mum. During her DS's preschool years, she was in a relationship, and as they both worked, I would have her DS every Tuesday and every second thurs - I would self roster my shifts to accommodate this. I loved having him. At that point I didn't have a child and thought this may be the closest I would get to my own child ! My sister relied heavily on our parents for child care too - she worked Monday to fri, and every week day I didn't have him, my elderly mother and father would have him. I wanted to ease the burden for them a little too.

My husband and I deliberately chose to pay for childcare as we didn't want to be beholden to anyone for regular child care, and don't really like asking for favours. There were also issues such as disagreements about nap times, dummies etc that arose and I didn't want the drama quite honestly. I have made it clear to my sister I am happy to take her DS whenever I can, during the week or weekends or overnight. I take him regularly to help her out (not during lockdown when she was working from home and we weren't allowed to see anyone) and also because I enjoy spending time with him and our two get on great.

Several times I have asked for a childcare favour and she has said no because she's going to try and get a hair appt or because her DS is going to her dads. I hate asking and my no means take liberties. I feel like I would change my plans to accommodate child care for her but there is no reciprocation. This has just happened again for the weekend. My husband is self employed and when work comes up, he needs to be able to take it and if I am on shift, and my sister won't help, there is no nursery or anyone else to fall back on! I almost feel like saying no next time she asks me for a favour but I feel I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

My sis is due back in the office soon, and I think will be asking me for child care help. Any advice ? I am angry and upset.

We go on holiday together with the wee ones so it's definitely not that we don't get on or the kids don't get on!

Now that lockdown has eased slightly, my husband is returning to work.
Our son should have been in nursery three days a week still as I had paid for an extended place over the summer. Nursery is still closed and we are struggling for child care. My sis is working from home. My husband has some work come in for sat am. I am working a 12.5 hr shift - I asked if she could help with child care and she said

[ScottishStottie]

I would let her know that you are disappointed that after all the support you have given her with childcare that she is unable to prioritise your childcare needs on the rare times that you need help. So you arent yet comitting to pulling out of helping her but making her aware that there is a clear inequality in support you are giving eachother.

[Africa2go]

Even if its holidays now, she's been home schooling for the last 14 weeks or whatever - and now she'll have to find ways of entertakning a 10yr old week in, week out when not much is open and shes trying to work. Seriously its a nightmare.

I really dont think shes BU.

[jeaux90]

But she is working at home with her kid around all week and then when he's not you are asking her to take care of yours. I'm a single mum and I'm bloody exhausted right now working at home trying to deal with my 11 year old. She definitely owes you some favours but I totally understand why she is putting herself first right now:

[emilybrontescorsett]

Stop accommodating her childcare needs, start working Tuesdays if it benefits you and your husband and get Saturdays off so your dh can work.
Work around your childcare needs, not your sisters.

[BigChocFrenzy]

"Work around your childcare needs, not your sisters."

^This

[MintyMabel]

I took my nephew every summer holiday for a couple of weeks and usually one other week. (We don’t live close) My sister lives close to my parents and they picked up from school or looked after during the day etc. She is a single mum and needed the help, she worked in my dad’s business.

I never had that option, OH and I work it out between us, she can only take DD for a week in the summer holiday as she is now running the business and it is hard for her to get time off.

It has never occurred to me to be pissed off about that or refuse to help her when she needs it. We work things out for ourselves, she didn’t have the help of a partner to fall back on. I loved having my nephew and didn’t have him as some sort of quid pro quo.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

I agree With pp. broken record. No explanations. It just doesnt work for you.

[Heyhih3]

@jeaux90

Sorry cross post. You are asking when she isn't working but doesn't have her son. Sounds like bad timing. As a single mum myself I wouldn't want to take care of another kid if mine wasn't around

Then the sister should not be asking OP. Even though her sister is a single mum her child’s father helps out plus she calls on OP too! There’s an element of selfishness here.

[Heyhih3]

Can you not work nights OP??

[Sunshinelater]

I think YABU. Your situations are not the same. You have a DH to help with your DC and share the load. She's by herself and this is her only chance to get a haircut, have a rest etc. She's had her DC at home and been trying to work too. She must be so worn out. I think it would be unreasonable for you to ask her to give up these small acts of self-care on the occasions where she has said she can't do it. You said she does help you half of the times you ask.

[ButteryPuffin]

The next time she asks just say unfortunately you can't help as you are needing to make a hair appointment- every time.

This

[sitckmansladylove]

I think she's very selfish and you need to stop minding her child now. Family or not- she shouldn't use you.

[itsallforentertainment]

I think you need to say Hey I really need some help can we make some sort of arrangement and take turns to help.
If it's a no do you ever ask why besides her appointments
Is is struggling with your child?
Exhausted?
Is there a underlying issue and why she says No.
I think it's silly to compare how your family used to work together for childcare when times have clearly changed and uncompareable.
In the end we went through lockdown it really showed me unless I use paid care I am best to stick to using that alone not putting up with others peoples run around.
Clear the air, no drama in asking it's how it is delivered and received.
Find a babysitter or alternative might be best yet for everyone.

[back2good]

Stop helping her.

and if she complains tell her she's has refused to help you. Every time you've asked. Every. Single. Time. And remind her you used to rearrange your WORK schedule to help her regularly ... before you even had a child of your own. So she can fuck right off with wanting you to help her any more.

[user1471457751]

So she's said yes to looking after your DC 50% of the times you've asked? Not quite what you said in your OP

[randolph78]

Are you saying she's only said no about 4 times? Or have I misunderstood? 4 times in your child's 3 years? How often does she say yes?

[randolph78]

Sorry just saw your post when you said she said no 5 times in the last year and yes 5 times. I don't see that as unsupportive TBH. Have you talked with her about just how stretched things are for you at the moment? Perhaps she is just a bit oblivious.

[dizzyprincess]

How much money have you wasted on this closed nursery? That is a terrible situation to be in.

Find a new nursery or childminder as soon as possible.

And as for you sister just come up with excuses yourself in the future.

[jessstan2]

You are not going to find out the reason your sister is refusing, she won't tell you - she might not even admit it to herself.

All you can do is stop asking her and make some other arrangements. Don't be so accommodating to her needs in future, not as 'tit for tat' but because you are entitled to have time to yourself too.

Good luck.

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

This would REALLY aggravate me and I think she needs to be taught a lesson.

She turns down your DC when her DC is at his Dads because she values her childfree time. She does not value your free time with or without your DC

To be honest I think a lot of these CFerys happen because people pussyfoot and are afraid to be straight.

She values her own time, yours is unimportant to her, you point this out to her, and basically make her catch on to herself.

You need to stand up to it, she is mugging you off

[ConstanceSalinger]

Your sister doesn't value you in the same way that you value her.

For every £10 of effort you put into her working arrangements she puts in £0 for yours.

She doesn't sound very nice tbh. Why would you keep putting yourself out for her?

[3cats]

Does she ever say yes? Or is it always no?

I don’t think anyone owes you childcare. I’ve sent my to special overnight nurseries which cost more than I got paid but you do what you have to do sometimes. I don’t think you should have it out with her as she hasn’t done anything wrong. If you don’t want to take care of her son so much, that’s a different issue.

[RedRumTheHorse]

Apart from when you want to see your nephew just say "No" to her with no reason. Stop being a mug.

[3cats]

@randolph78

Sorry just saw your post when you said she said no 5 times in the last year and yes 5 times. I don't see that as unsupportive TBH. Have you talked with her about just how stretched things are for you at the moment? Perhaps she is just a bit oblivious.

Sorry I missed that too.

[HairyPotteryaRotter]

Mixed response ! Thanks everyone!