Upset and hurt by sisters lack of support with child care

[HairyPotteryaRotter]

Name changed for this due to previous posts with outing info and not wanting recognised by family in case they are on here !

Fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable, I am feeling hurt and looking for some advice and opinions.

I am a health care worker, and throughout lock down I have had to work as usual. I have a three year old son who is usually at nursery on the days that I work.

My sister has an older son, aged ten now, and is a single mum. During her DS's preschool years, she was in a relationship, and as they both worked, I would have her DS every Tuesday and every second thurs - I would self roster my shifts to accommodate this. I loved having him. At that point I didn't have a child and thought this may be the closest I would get to my own child ! My sister relied heavily on our parents for child care too - she worked Monday to fri, and every week day I didn't have him, my elderly mother and father would have him. I wanted to ease the burden for them a little too.

My husband and I deliberately chose to pay for childcare as we didn't want to be beholden to anyone for regular child care, and don't really like asking for favours. There were also issues such as disagreements about nap times, dummies etc that arose and I didn't want the drama quite honestly. I have made it clear to my sister I am happy to take her DS whenever I can, during the week or weekends or overnight. I take him regularly to help her out (not during lockdown when she was working from home and we weren't allowed to see anyone) and also because I enjoy spending time with him and our two get on great.

Several times I have asked for a childcare favour and she has said no because she's going to try and get a hair appt or because her DS is going to her dads. I hate asking and my no means take liberties. I feel like I would change my plans to accommodate child care for her but there is no reciprocation. This has just happened again for the weekend. My husband is self employed and when work comes up, he needs to be able to take it and if I am on shift, and my sister won't help, there is no nursery or anyone else to fall back on! I almost feel like saying no next time she asks me for a favour but I feel I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

My sis is due back in the office soon, and I think will be asking me for child care help. Any advice ? I am angry and upset.

We go on holiday together with the wee ones so it's definitely not that we don't get on or the kids don't get on!

Now that lockdown has eased slightly, my husband is returning to work.
Our son should have been in nursery three days a week still as I had paid for an extended place over the summer. Nursery is still closed and we are struggling for child care. My sis is working from home. My husband has some work come in for sat am. I am working a 12.5 hr shift - I asked if she could help with child care and she said

[InstantMango]

@piscean10

I think yabu because at the end of the day she is a single parent and doing everything by yourself is a job itself. You have your husband and that's one extra person to rely on for help.
I also think if her ds is with his dad then babysitting 3yo is really not something I would do. I have a 4yo myself. She probably looks forward to that downtime.

I think the problem is that she has boundaries and you didnt when it came to helping her out. You were very kind to shift your working times around for your Dn but you must realise that not everyone does that. And she does provide childcare sometimes for you, its just that you have high expectations about it.

If you feel really upset then it's also your right to say no.

This!
I think yabvvu and totally agree your boundaries are poor. I don't know anyone who would change their shifts in this way.
Also looking after 3 year is totally different to a 10 year old.

[adreamofspring]

YANBU. And I disagree with the people saying it isn’t a quo pro quo situation.

But.. she has boundaries and you are entitled to them too.

No drama, no point scoring, just claw back some of your own time and make other plans when she wants a childcare favour.

[jacks11]

Sorry, I disagree that single parents are entitled rely on others but shouldn’t be expected to reciprocate. I’ve been a single parent. It’s tough. It doesn’t mean you can take the help you get for granted.

If you appreciate those who help you out (frequently, for a long time) then when they are desperate for help, it is selfish to prioritise your child free time over helping them. Her sister could have helped but decided not to. I can 100% understand why op would be hurt. I agree op probably does need to stop being so obliging, but I wonder how her sister will take op starting to draw those boundaries if it means she doesn’t get the help she has had in the past?

[midnightstar66]

Hmm from the view of a working single parent I'd not do childcare when my dc were at their dads I get 4 days a month where I can have the chance to get things done and looking after a 3 year old would not be my top choice of things to do. It's a also not really the same a couple watching a 10 year old (who probably helps entertain your 3 year old) as a single adult having responsibility for a toddler as many of my df's don't seem don't seem to realise. So I can kind of sympathise with your sister.

[ScouseDottir]

You should tell your sister that no amount of money spent on her hair is going to make up for the fact she is a selfish, cheeky f^cker and poor excuse of an aunt.

In fact, I'd buy her some box dyes for when she can't afford to go the hairdressers because you are not looking after her child when she has to work.

[Enchantmentz]

Yanbu to be disappointed, your dsis excuses are weak. True you aren't entitled to her help but considering the support you have given over the years she should give a little back as a form of appreciation. Several times I have looked after my under 2 dniece 5 days a week so my dbro and his wife can continue working while I am at home with my dc 10 during covid. They have probably had more childcare from me than what they have done for me by this point but they have always done it when asked. Family should support each other in times of need.

You shouldn't stop completely looking after your dn because you probably have a good relationship with him and so might want to continue that but you could be less available and don't move shifts round in future

[Brefugee]

YANBU asking for help and she is not BU for wanting to enjoy her child-free day (chance to get her hair done without worrying about a kid?)

If this were reversed would anyone seriously say that the sister was BU for not wanting to babysit on her child-free day? no they wouldn't (people would be saying "no is a complete sentence" )

It's just bad timing. Your situation with the nursery sounds awful though.

[Badassmama]

Hey OP, have this discussion with your sister, she might not realise how you feel and will probably be defensive at first but ultimately if she’s a good sister she should understand and help you out.

[Jeremyironsnothing]

You say it's no hardship for you - it may be for her.

However, she shouldn't be asking you for favours if she's not willing to reciprocate.

[SnowsInWater]

I really do understand why you are upset, but expecting reciprocity assumes that both parties view things the same way which is rarely the case. It is amazing how your views change as your kids get older, three year olds are hard work, most ten year olds are not. Yes, you looked after her three year old but to her that probably feels like so long ago. I totally get why she doesn't want to look after a three year old on her day off if she doesn't have her own child there, is it fair because you helped her out so much and continue to do so, no it is not. The only way forward is to have a conversation about how you feel, if you can't do that then you need to decide whether you stop helping her if you know it's a one way thing.

[jacks11]

Brefugee

Yes, I would say she is unreasonable. If it was so op. If op was asking for help with childcare to go out/have her hair done or something non-essential, then of course it would not be unreasonable for the sister to say no. But op was stuck due to a work situation, which is different Kettle of fish (in my view). When you take into account all that op has done to help her, I think the right thing to do would be to help- even though I’m sure she’d rather not. It’s not simply ‘bad-timing’. OP’s sister chose not to help her out when she needed it, even though op has put herself out to help her in the past.

I think she might have ended up shooting herself in the foot, though, if op decides to be less accommodating in the future when her sister needs help. Which is a shame as with some give and take, everyone could have been helped when they needed.

[Minikievs]

How often does her DS got to his dads? I am a single parent and when my DC are at their dads (not very often) that child free time is very precious to me.
That's not to say that I'd say no every time I was asked for childcare but she may possibly being more inclined to say no when her DS isn't there. So I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable.

[Sceptre86]

You keep offering when she refuses to help you. Get the message, she is not willing to reciprocate. Next time she asks I would point out that it is very one way and doesn't work for you. Stop being a doormat!

[Clearyweary]

It does sound like she is taking the piss a bit as you’ve helped her out a lot in the past. However, I know lockdown has been eased slightly, but personally I would not be willing to look after anyone elses child at the moment if it meant they were in my house, and nor would I expect anyone to have my DD in their house (and this includes family). The risk of the virus is still too high at the moment.

[Runnerduck34]

So she isnt prepared to reciprocate, I would be angry too. I would tell her what you have said on here and see how she responds.
Ultimately you love your nephew and will still want to see him but I would try and ensure that in future its on your terms and not just for her convenience

[Durgasarrow]

I don't think I would want to watch a child when I had the husband taking care of my son. Or maybe when shopping. Also, a ten year old is very different than a three year old. A ten-year-old can be wonderful company for a three year old--the reverse is not true. However, I do think she should do some baby sitting once in a while.

[timeisnotaline]

I hope the op is committed to only watching dn when absolutely convenient in the future. Personally, I’d be too busy painting my nails the next time she asks.