To think we arent being real with our children?

[Just01]

We are constantly teach them to believe they can be what they want,have what they want,live the life they want,all it takes is work and a positive attitude!its bullshit.life is full of failure and disappointment,dissatisfaction and probably 90%of people just struggle and get by each day.if we keep telling kids oh just try hard yoi can achieve anything we are setting them up to fail,sometimes they cant get what they want no matter how hard they try or what they do.we need to be more real with our kids and tell them it's ok,that they can try and get the lives they want but it may not happen and the emphasis in life should be about being good and happy.

[ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords]

@Brieminewine

Well if that’s your attitude then of course you’ll never achieve much. If you work hard, you get good grades, you get a career, a good wage, a better standard of living. If people are happy to just coast along never really excel or commit to anything and get any low skilled job that’s fine, but you’ve got to work hard to get the better things in life.

But surely that's the point the OP is making - those things don't automatically follow. For some children, they can work their socks off throughout school and still not get good grades, whereas others can do well academically with little effort, because it just comes easy to them.

It's like on here you often see posts where people say they have a high income etc, but they've worked hard for it, but lots of people work hard in low paid jobs and would never have been able to go to university and get 'good' jobs.

[HereForYou2020]

I think it you have the money and networking/contacts behind you then you can be lots of things that other people might struggle to get into...

Anything you want, no but good to sstrive and high expectations are taught at independent schools.... low expectations in the home might lead to low expectations of life

[Femaleassassin]

But thats also like saying life has turned out shit becsuse of bad luck, poss partly, but often its life choices

[Davodia]

if they don't fit then you are not getting the job
My friend is an events organiser and has been told the reason she’s not progressing is quite frankly because the aristocratic people who hire events organisers want someone like themselves who they can trust to have good taste. She doesn’t have the right public school accent and social connections or the right clothes for these people to look at her and go “yep, you’re one of us”.

Ditto my friend who wants to be an interior designer but doesn’t fit the expected stereotype of “skinny woman or gay man” so clients reject him. I could go on - attractive friend who sells beauty products does better than unattractive friend who sells the same products, because the products don’t look as nice on her. Etc.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

You sound quite depressed, op. I'm certainly not teaching my kids that life is full of failure in the interests of keeping it real...
It isn't, for the majority of people.

[Pelleas]

the brightest students I've ever taught have told me later that they felt continually let down as adults.

I read an interesting article about 'child prodigy' syndrome. It was talking about quite extreme cases - e.g. children who are brilliant musicians by the age of 10 - essentially saying that they give themselves a hard act to follow. By the time they are, say, 20, others will have caught up with them and while it's still a good thing to be a skilled violinist, it's no longer something people gasp at. This has led to some child prodigies being relatively low-achievers in adult life, or suffering from depression, even self-harming.

[Wanderer1]

A lot of posts on here seem to focus on money and status. I think when we message to our children that they can get what they want in life that doesn't apply to wealth and celebrity but more basic things.
I worked for a few years in a 'aspirational' area (where many of my colleagues have dreamt of working in our area since childhood and there were 700+ applicants for very niche jobs). The people who worked there had worked hard to get there but in general the people who didn't found something equally as interesting and fulfilling because of the effort they had made to reach their goal. So I think that effort=some kind of pay off is a good one, even if it's not the payoff you expect.

[Sinuhe]

Successfully people, don't just put in "the hard work". They have the ability to get up and brush the dirt off when they fall down.
They are often creative in their approach and will try different ways of getting to the end goal. They can re-invent themselves in order to progress. Not everyone has those talents.
But, they also need a certain amount of luck, being in the right place at the right time and people around who genuinely support them in achieving their goals.
(... and sadly money as that will always be the deciding factor in whatever you do.)

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

I think there should be bit more realism into it.
Encourage to aim high, support, but don't make someone who barely passes GCSE level think they are going to Oxford.
And children should be taught how to deal with rejection and failure. I see it a lot on young students. Many simply don't have tools to deal with it and it affects them way more than it should and later seems to snowball into "meh, why am I even trying" instead of "ok. It sucks, but if I do x instead of y, it should be better next time."

[3rdNamechange]

I agree to a certain extent. You can't do or be anything you want , eg if you don't have the intellect to get the grades you won't be able to and if you have a certain condition you can't drive.
Although I don't agree 90% are unhappy and you should be encouraged to be the best you CAN be.

[SushiGo]

Telling kids there's no point in trying is what sets them up to fail.

Unfortunately, I have met families who do do this, and it is so damaging.

[ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords]

@heartsonacake

YABU. If you have an attitude like that of course you’ll never succeed.

Our children can be anything they want to be if they set their minds to it and actually put in the effort and work to get there.

The reason most people seem to think otherwise is because they can’t be bothered to put the work in and so blame X, Y and Z as the reasons for not being able to.

Sorry but I just don't agree.
I live in a city with one of the top universities in the world, and I would never say to the children I work with that all of them could go there if they work hard enough, because for most of them it just isn't realistic. I would say to them that maybe in the future some of them could be students there, so it's seen as just another possibility in life, but for the majority it would not be achievable, no matter how much effort they put in.

[midnightstar66]

Well if you build them up while they are young they are likely to be more resilient and deal with the falls better.

[minipie]

I think there's a balance between 'you can be anything you want to be' and if you work hard you'll have more choices.

Agree with this. I’m not going to tell my kids they can do and have whatever they want in life if they work hard enough, that’s simply not true. However it is absolutely true that hard work and dedication will greatly enhance their options and chances - more than natural talent sometimes.

While they are little I’m not going to crush their dreams even if I know they are unrealistic, chances are they will realise themselves they will not be a prima ballerina or an astronaut. But I will point out how much practice and hard work those people put in

[LuaDipa]

I tell my kids they can choose to succeed at anything they want if they work hard enough. It’s how I was raised and I believe it to be true. My df had very little education but worked extremely hard and managed to become relatively successful. It was very important to him that we had a strong educational base and hard work was drummed into us all from an early age. I can hear him now saying if a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing properly. He couldn’t bear slacking or shortcuts. He used to say that it doesn’t matter what job you do (although his preference was Doctor or Solicitor, which unfortunately held no interest for any of us!) as long as you do it to the very best of your ability and work harder than everyone else you will be successful.

My dad has absolutely nothing. No family back up (although they were not bad people and he was very loved, they were just somewhat suspicious of anything different and didn’t really understand why he might want more), no money, no education and nowhere to live at one stage. But he worked every hour he could and he achieved what he wanted. It was extremely difficult for him but he did it. And while he definitely encouraged us to work hard, he didn’t want us to have to go through what he did, hence the focus on education. I often wonder what he could have achieved with the head start he gave us.

My dad has long since passed and never got to meet my dc, but I speak of him often and my dc know what their dgd achieved with only his own work ethic to fall back on.

[derta]

If high income is seen as one of the main aspects of success it's important to know that only 60k women earn over 150k, thats is a very small number.

[mrsBtheparker]

Our children can be anything they want to be if they set their minds to it and actually put in the effort and work to get there.

If they're fed that philosophy is it any wonder that so many have mental health problems, it's total rubbish. My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut and while there have been female astronauts the reality is that she is unlikely to get there and luckily she is intelligent enough to understand that.
They need to have their ambitions but also to they need to understand the real world and temper their ambitions accordingly.

[Notthefirsttime]

There are so many things in life that are out of our control. Once we realise this and accept that we cannot do anything about these things, we can then focus our energy on what we are able to change. So many people get stuck on the things that we have no power over. Failure is inevitable in life, as is pain, distress and sadness, but we can choose to accept that and live our life knowing these things will happen and that’s okay.

[Smallsteps88]

We are constantly teach them to believe they can be what they want,have what they want,live the life they want,all it takes is work and a positive attitude!

I don’t.

I’m realistic with my DC.

[Sailingblue]

There has to be a balance. When I did widening participation volunteering as a student, the university was clear that we shouldn’t pretend that someone on course for poorer grades was likely to get in but to show some of the options they had. Our main task was to make sure bright pupils felt able to apply. I heard too many conversations along the lines of ‘it’s not for me’ ‘my parents don’t want me to leave’ etc. In some cases, parents were actively putting off their bright children from applying to university and reducing their aspirations.

Those pupils could work just as hard as counterparts from more privileged backgrounds but would always face additional barriers (harder to access work experience, lower expectations etc).

[KeepingPlain]

I get what you mean. We can't all achieve what we'd love to do, because the majority of the time we all want to be rich, successful and have a job we love. That rarely happens. Plus we can't all be scientists figuring out how to stop cancer, or vets taking on cases and saving animals from death.

I changed my job to public sector because I could no longer stand the fact that in private your work is essentially meaningless. It's only meaning is to give the shareholders more money. Its profit, that's its essential purpose. Every company likes to act like they alone want yo save lives, save the planet etc. They don't. They want more money, end of story. Smaller companies are a bit different, but less secure too. Big companies, it's all profit. You're a number to them, you don't matter.

I do my job, I rarely work over time, I'm not interested in promotions. I get a job to fund my lifestyle essentially. Its not the biggest thing in my life and it doesn't define me. Its a means to an end, it pays my bills and it will pay for my retirement.

Think people would be happier if they thought like that to be honest. Whatever happens in work doesn't matter, it's just a job. Once the clock hits 5 (or whenever you finish), get out the door and switch off from it. Much better for your mental health.

[Ylvamoon]

@Pelleas - I can add a family member to your child prodigy your list. The child in question has always been told how brilliant she is, suppoted by exellent grades and so on. Sailed through elite school but as soon as child hit 18 all came tumbling down. Didn't want to be told anyone what to do, didn't want to have that pressure of "being the special one" in the family.

She never sat A level exams BUT, having been told a lifetime how intelligent and special she is and that she knows so much more than anyone else... she can't function in a normal work environment. She is only 20 has had about 5 jobs (one I organised for her) and can't fit in because of her attitude, one that was nurtured and celebrated throughout her childhood.

Obviously, the rest is down to personality, but a lot of her behaviour is nurture ... So people beware how you raise your exceptionally bright children!

[fascinated]

Aiming low will hurt you more than aiming high. If you aim high amd fail, you’re no worse off. Aim low and you’ll definitely fail.

[Didthatreallyhappen2]

There's a song by, I think, Talk Talk called "Life's what you make it". (Apologies if I've got that slightly wrong). I'm most definitely a Glass Half Full type and although I've had some spectacularly shit things happen to me, generally I'm very happy. And I try to instill this in our DC. You don't always get what you want (another song in there I think), but you make the most of what you have. Success most definitely is not all about material things. Life isn't fair, but you get on with it and deal with what's in front of you - that's what I believe and what I always tell them.

[Whatisthisfuckery]

My DS doesn’t really know what he wants to do yet, which is quite normal. He has a rough idea of the areas he might be interested in but no plan as such. I tell him the following:

Work hard and get good grades, then you’ll have more choices when you do decide what it is you want to do.

No adult ever looks back and thinks, ‘I wish I hadn’t bothered trying at school.’ I’ve only ever heard adults say, ‘I wish I’d made more effort at school,’ and I’ve heard that from a lot of adults, including myself.

Don’t ever think that you can just put the effort in later. It is possible to go back to college etc when you’re an adult but it’s bloody hard work, and you’ll still need money to live.

Money doesn’t make you happy no, but not having any money doesn’t half make life miserable.