How to put this politely??

[mydilemma123]

NC for this and also just thought I should say - if you're the type to get pearl clutch-y and indignant about social distancing please don't bother commenting because it's not what I'm here to ask about.

I have a history of anxiety and depression (not expecting for this it's just the way it is). Always struggled in large groups and, having spent 4 months with just my household, I'm finding it difficult re-adjusting to the prospect of being around lots of people.

I have a DBest Friend who I socialise with as part of a wider group. Arranged to meet DBF, who I haven't seen in ages, earlier this week for a socially distanced drink in our city centre (lots of pubs doing takeaway pints and cocktails etc, wide open bench spaces). "Ooh, what a good idea," says DBF, "I'll mention it to [rest of the group]." I really don't like this idea - I'm not saying I don't want to see them all again soon but I've had a rough week and right now it's baby steps back to normality. I was quite looking forward to seeing DBF one on one tbh and just having a chilled day. But I keep quiet.

Cometh the day. Turns out to be about 5 of them meeting in town. All a bit much for me so make an excuse about work and don't come. DBF texts me later "such a shame I didn't catch you today shall we do something later in the week?". OK cool, all arranged for more takeaway drinks today. DBF texts late last night "Btw I've mentioned it to X, Y, Z and they're all looking forward to seeing you ".

I don't know what to do. WIBU to cancel again? How do I explain to DBF I don't want to see all these people right now? Do I need to just crack on and get on with it?

[TheSoapyFrog]

Just tell her. She can't read your mind and probably thinks she's doing a good thing for you.

[DreadingItBadly]

If somebody suggests that we meet up I would never just invite other people to join, anxiety or not. I would always ask: Shall we invite XXX too? Or, if another friend wants to join later, I would always check first with the first person. Sometimes you might want to have a heart-to-heart with your closest friend, rather than catch up with the whole crowd, there is nothing wrong with it.

So your DBF is a bit out of order here. You do need to tell her though that you want to meet up just the two of you.

[Etinox]

I hate this, social distancing or not if I want to see a friend it's very different from gathering in a group.

[fassbendersmistress]

You’re creating more anxiety for yourself by trying to hide your anxiety.

If you’d been upfront on the first occasion you likely wouldn’t now have this problem. Try practising out loud in front of the mirror, and then give your a friend a call and take responsibility for yourself with something along the lines of

“Sorry, I should have handled this better and been upfront. The reason I didn’t come last week was because I’m working on my social anxiety after months of lockdown. I’d love to see the rest one group but for now, What will help me is gradual steps. So can we maybe meet up, just the two of us at some point and when I’m feeling ready for a group catch up, I’ll let you know,”

Thank her for inviting the others (assuming she wasn’t to know) and let her know that she’s an invaluable support to you hence she’s the one you can handle meeting up with.

Good luck, it’s so hard. You need to find a balance of being kind to yourself but firm with yourself too.

[Marsalimay]

If somebody suggests that we meet up I would never just invite other people to join, anxiety or not. I would always ask: Shall we invite XXX too? Or, if another friend wants to join later, I would always check first with the first person. Sometimes you might want to have a heart-to-heart with your closest friend, rather than catch up with the whole crowd, there is nothing wrong with it.

So would I, apart from when I can't face the thought of being one-on-one.

[ComeBy]

I have a DBest Friend who I socialise with as part of a wider group

I do not think that your friend is 'de-valuing' your friendship by inviting people at all.

I also think that had you taken the 2 opportunities that you had to say 'actually I am taking it step by step and breaking social distancing one person at a time - could it be just us this time?' your friend would be completely happy.

In saying nothing you have made her the unwitting 'baddie' by getting it wrong for your needs.

She is just socially keen and reverting to the group meetings you all had.

I am sure she cares about you, you just have to be a bit more explicit.

Just explain

[blanche85]

Errr tell her

[notalwaysalondoner]

Honestly it’s NOT that she’s trying to avoid you/can’t stand the thought of 1:1 with you. That’s your anxiety talking. If she didn’t want to hang out 1:1 with you she probably wouldn’t talk to you much individually on WhatsApp, wouldn’t ask to meet up etc. It’s just that for her she likes meeting in big groups and is probably super excited about being allowed to do that again. I have a group of girls from university of whom 1-2 I really don’t want to meet up individually, and those are the ones I never WhatsApp individually, never hang out with just us etc. So stop worrying and just say “DBF, happy to do a group meet-up this week but can the next one be just us? So much to catch up on!”

I’d be super flattered if someone said that to me, so also STOP as I know you’re now thinking “but what if that makes me look needy/she doesn’t want to meet up 1:1....” as that’s your anxiety again!!

[whatwouldjohnmclanedo]

I don’t suffer from anxiety, I’m a very social person but I’m finding the idea of jumping back in with two feet a bit much.
Also when did it become ok to just assume it’s a whole group thing? Surely it would have been polite of your friend to check with you before asking others. Sometimes it’s nice to just be two of you.

[Littlemeadow123]

Sometimes the longer you put it off, the harder it is. Maybe you could view it like pulling a plaster off? Get it over and done with quickly? You can always think of an excuse if you've been there for a while and you are not enjoying yourself.

Or if you really don't want to go, just explain it to your friend. If she is a good friend, she will understand.

[PenelopePitstop49]

She's not your best friend if you can't be honest with her.

None of us like stepping out of our comfort zones. It's not just something you're feeling. Maybe your friend has found lockdown tough, especially if she's outgoing - and she wants to surround herself with people now she can?

It might not be about you. And very probably isn't.

[LonelyGir1]

She’s not a mind reader. Tell her.

[Abitouting]

She's your DBF so you should be able to tell her without fear of coming across impolite.

"I'm struggling a bit atm and I'm finding too much social interaction too soon quite overwhelming. As much as I love the others do you mind if we do something just us two?"

[DamnYankee]

OP 1: 0 Anxiety

^
Also struggle with A. My therapist would definitely tell me to go, have a drink and then leave early if I wanted to.

[VenusTiger]

In the nicest way possible OP, stop pussy-footing around, it's infuriating reading stuff like this! It's your best friend fgs - just tell her exactly what you've just told us - end.

[Mintychoc1]

Do you often cancel things OP? If not then she is being rude to invite others without asking you first. But if you do, then maybe she’s got into the habit of inviting back-up people, just in case.

[Onestepup]

Say that actually you'd rather meet up one to one, because it is a daunting prospect to see lots of people just now.

[Puckishly]

God, OP. This is supposedly your best friend — just tell her! I have extremely good MH and am socially confident, but I wouldn’t do what she’s suggesting. It’s hardly a wildly odd idea that someone wouldn’t be keen about meeting a whole group of people in a pub in the middle of an ongoing pandemic that has killed 44, 000 people in the UK, surely?

[IdblowJonSnow]

I think it's an imposition too when people do this.
My close friends know this i think and tend to check w me. I never mind when they check, it's when u turn up and then find out it can be a bit irritating.
Agree you should let her know.

[Nellydean21]

Just tell her. It's become an insurmountable thing for you.

[TheresABearInThere]

You have to tell her, otherwise she’ll be second guessing that you don’t want to meet her and are rudely cancelling at the last minute. She may be a good friend but she’s not a mind reader!

[Ohffs66]

Tbh I don't have anxiety and this would piss me off! I have a friend like this, I suggest a coffee and she says 'ooh lovely I'll ask X and Y to come too it'll be great'. X and Y are her friends who are really nice but I don't know either of them well. Annoying!

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

I am not that keen on one to ones, don't take it personally, i find it a lot of pressure, perhaps your bf is the same op

[ChasingRainbows19]

I honestly think your friend is maybe thinking that because it’s been so long you’d like to see lots of people. If you’d explained that you only wanted to see one for now then maybe the group I’m sure it would have been fine
Anyway good luck and well done for braving it.

[Redwinestillfine]

I'd say something. If nothing else it's rude to extend invitations without first checking with the original organiser. Basic etiquette.