How to put this politely??

[mydilemma123]

NC for this and also just thought I should say - if you're the type to get pearl clutch-y and indignant about social distancing please don't bother commenting because it's not what I'm here to ask about.

I have a history of anxiety and depression (not expecting for this it's just the way it is). Always struggled in large groups and, having spent 4 months with just my household, I'm finding it difficult re-adjusting to the prospect of being around lots of people.

I have a DBest Friend who I socialise with as part of a wider group. Arranged to meet DBF, who I haven't seen in ages, earlier this week for a socially distanced drink in our city centre (lots of pubs doing takeaway pints and cocktails etc, wide open bench spaces). "Ooh, what a good idea," says DBF, "I'll mention it to [rest of the group]." I really don't like this idea - I'm not saying I don't want to see them all again soon but I've had a rough week and right now it's baby steps back to normality. I was quite looking forward to seeing DBF one on one tbh and just having a chilled day. But I keep quiet.

Cometh the day. Turns out to be about 5 of them meeting in town. All a bit much for me so make an excuse about work and don't come. DBF texts me later "such a shame I didn't catch you today shall we do something later in the week?". OK cool, all arranged for more takeaway drinks today. DBF texts late last night "Btw I've mentioned it to X, Y, Z and they're all looking forward to seeing you ".

I don't know what to do. WIBU to cancel again? How do I explain to DBF I don't want to see all these people right now? Do I need to just crack on and get on with it?

[Leflic]

It’s not impolite to say you just fancy a one to one!

Massively overthinking it.

My friend said the same last week. It’s no biggy. If she wants a big group she can still do that can’t she, just without you.

[FinallyHere]

Just tell her your prefer to meet 121, no need to say why

the trouble with not telling her that you prefer to meet 121 is that she might now be seeing you as someone who doesn't turn up, so it now makes sense for her to make up a group.

[Krong]

It's far more polite to just be honest, than to keep instigating meet ups and then dropping out!

Just tell her, its perfectly reasonable.

[Roasties89]

It's horrible isn't it. I'm not particularly anxious but I have got quite bad in lockdown and also have had to cancel plans today as my friend was going to bring her dad along to our catch up. The thought of having to control my child Infront of her dad and go for food (I only wanted a walk) was difficult. So I said something had come up.

The thing is in life. You need to do what's right for you. I'd open up to your friend today I'd possible about how you feel. Explain you really need some one on one. Believe me you won't be alone! Many of us have become wrecks because of lockdown let alone if you suffer from anxiety in general. I don't like big groups of people. I find it draining. That's just who I am.

Don't panic. Just sort it now. Don't put it off. A message or call. Tell her how you feel. X

[Quarantimespringclean]

Just tell her. A friend of mine recently invited 4 of us over for a socially distanced drink in her garden tomorrow. All but 1 of the 4 invitees declined because we don’t want to socialise in groups at the moment. She immediately rearranged the date for 2 weeks time (infection rates permitting) and is just seeing the one friend later today.

She obviously doesn’t have the same concerns that some of us do but was are her mates and she accepted that we have different attitudes to risk at the moment.

[historian42]

I have the same problems as you so sympathise. Ive had family in the garden as per the rules and chatted with neighbours over the fence and there anxiety part of me would rather it would stay like that forever, but of course it cant! I have explained to my family if I feel uncomfortable - when I start to feel anxious I appear rude and snappy, so Ive just been honest and told them. There is no use in pushing yourself into something you dont want, as it will set you back. The other posters are right, if it is your DBF then they should understand. You could also try speaking to some of the others and see if they would like a 1-on-1 if that would work, and then they dont feel like you are avoiding them so saves arguments?

[Redwinestillfine]

I'd say something. If nothing else it's rude to extend invitations without first checking with the original organiser. Basic etiquette.

[ChasingRainbows19]

I honestly think your friend is maybe thinking that because it’s been so long you’d like to see lots of people. If you’d explained that you only wanted to see one for now then maybe the group I’m sure it would have been fine
Anyway good luck and well done for braving it.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

I am not that keen on one to ones, don't take it personally, i find it a lot of pressure, perhaps your bf is the same op

[Ohffs66]

Tbh I don't have anxiety and this would piss me off! I have a friend like this, I suggest a coffee and she says 'ooh lovely I'll ask X and Y to come too it'll be great'. X and Y are her friends who are really nice but I don't know either of them well. Annoying!

[TheresABearInThere]

You have to tell her, otherwise she’ll be second guessing that you don’t want to meet her and are rudely cancelling at the last minute. She may be a good friend but she’s not a mind reader!

[Nellydean21]

Just tell her. It's become an insurmountable thing for you.

[IdblowJonSnow]

I think it's an imposition too when people do this.
My close friends know this i think and tend to check w me. I never mind when they check, it's when u turn up and then find out it can be a bit irritating.
Agree you should let her know.

[Puckishly]

God, OP. This is supposedly your best friend — just tell her! I have extremely good MH and am socially confident, but I wouldn’t do what she’s suggesting. It’s hardly a wildly odd idea that someone wouldn’t be keen about meeting a whole group of people in a pub in the middle of an ongoing pandemic that has killed 44, 000 people in the UK, surely?

[Onestepup]

Say that actually you'd rather meet up one to one, because it is a daunting prospect to see lots of people just now.

[Mintychoc1]

Do you often cancel things OP? If not then she is being rude to invite others without asking you first. But if you do, then maybe she’s got into the habit of inviting back-up people, just in case.

[VenusTiger]

In the nicest way possible OP, stop pussy-footing around, it's infuriating reading stuff like this! It's your best friend fgs - just tell her exactly what you've just told us - end.

[DamnYankee]

OP 1: 0 Anxiety

^
Also struggle with A. My therapist would definitely tell me to go, have a drink and then leave early if I wanted to.

[Abitouting]

She's your DBF so you should be able to tell her without fear of coming across impolite.

"I'm struggling a bit atm and I'm finding too much social interaction too soon quite overwhelming. As much as I love the others do you mind if we do something just us two?"

[LonelyGir1]

She’s not a mind reader. Tell her.

[PenelopePitstop49]

She's not your best friend if you can't be honest with her.

None of us like stepping out of our comfort zones. It's not just something you're feeling. Maybe your friend has found lockdown tough, especially if she's outgoing - and she wants to surround herself with people now she can?

It might not be about you. And very probably isn't.

[Littlemeadow123]

Sometimes the longer you put it off, the harder it is. Maybe you could view it like pulling a plaster off? Get it over and done with quickly? You can always think of an excuse if you've been there for a while and you are not enjoying yourself.

Or if you really don't want to go, just explain it to your friend. If she is a good friend, she will understand.

[whatwouldjohnmclanedo]

I don’t suffer from anxiety, I’m a very social person but I’m finding the idea of jumping back in with two feet a bit much.
Also when did it become ok to just assume it’s a whole group thing? Surely it would have been polite of your friend to check with you before asking others. Sometimes it’s nice to just be two of you.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Honestly it’s NOT that she’s trying to avoid you/can’t stand the thought of 1:1 with you. That’s your anxiety talking. If she didn’t want to hang out 1:1 with you she probably wouldn’t talk to you much individually on WhatsApp, wouldn’t ask to meet up etc. It’s just that for her she likes meeting in big groups and is probably super excited about being allowed to do that again. I have a group of girls from university of whom 1-2 I really don’t want to meet up individually, and those are the ones I never WhatsApp individually, never hang out with just us etc. So stop worrying and just say “DBF, happy to do a group meet-up this week but can the next one be just us? So much to catch up on!”

I’d be super flattered if someone said that to me, so also STOP as I know you’re now thinking “but what if that makes me look needy/she doesn’t want to meet up 1:1....” as that’s your anxiety again!!

[blanche85]

Errr tell her