How to put this politely??

[mydilemma123]

NC for this and also just thought I should say - if you're the type to get pearl clutch-y and indignant about social distancing please don't bother commenting because it's not what I'm here to ask about.

I have a history of anxiety and depression (not expecting for this it's just the way it is). Always struggled in large groups and, having spent 4 months with just my household, I'm finding it difficult re-adjusting to the prospect of being around lots of people.

I have a DBest Friend who I socialise with as part of a wider group. Arranged to meet DBF, who I haven't seen in ages, earlier this week for a socially distanced drink in our city centre (lots of pubs doing takeaway pints and cocktails etc, wide open bench spaces). "Ooh, what a good idea," says DBF, "I'll mention it to [rest of the group]." I really don't like this idea - I'm not saying I don't want to see them all again soon but I've had a rough week and right now it's baby steps back to normality. I was quite looking forward to seeing DBF one on one tbh and just having a chilled day. But I keep quiet.

Cometh the day. Turns out to be about 5 of them meeting in town. All a bit much for me so make an excuse about work and don't come. DBF texts me later "such a shame I didn't catch you today shall we do something later in the week?". OK cool, all arranged for more takeaway drinks today. DBF texts late last night "Btw I've mentioned it to X, Y, Z and they're all looking forward to seeing you ".

I don't know what to do. WIBU to cancel again? How do I explain to DBF I don't want to see all these people right now? Do I need to just crack on and get on with it?

[Janleverton]

I don’t think you’d sound unreasonable or ridiculous. . I think there are actually a surprising number of people who want a gradual re-entry rather than large social gatherings, not because of worry about the virus, but because it may feel a bit overwhelming.

I would totally understand it if a friend said similar to me (probably because i would be feeling the same).

[ivykaty44]

hi best friend
really struggling with a few things atm, so one on one meetings are great but group meetings are overwhelming. im sure you'll understand we are all different. hopefully we can do a one on one meeting soon
love op

[mencken]

just tell her the science hasn't changed. You don't want to meet lots of people and all be yelling drunkenly at each other. (as is going to happen this weekend...let's hope we continue to be immune from spikes, lucky so far)

if she can't cope with science, she's too stupid to be worth your time anyway.

[Flittingabout]

I really don't want to do any group socials at the moment so let me know you are free to catch up just us two?

[IntermittentParps]

You would be being U to just cancel again without saying why. Contact her (maybe by phone, if you can with your anxiety; texts etc can make it hard to read tone etc). Explain that, while you love the group dearly, you just need 'baby steps', as you've said, for a bit, and would very much like to see her alone for a quality meet-up and then take things from there.
She's your best friend! She'll get it.*

• I am slightly that if she's such a good friend she hasn't thought about your anxiety, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt

[mydilemma123]

@CustardySergeant

"This would annoy me even though I don't have anxiety. If I arrange to see a friend I want to see that friend, not a load of other people."

That's what I think too. If, every single time I arranged to meet a friend she invited several other people, I would wonder if she couldn't stand the prospect of a one-to-one meeting and needed other people there to make it bearable. Not very flattering is it?

Well yes this is part of it. I have a great deal of social anxiety about what people think of me and whether I'm fitting into a social dynamic. If you meet me one on one or in a very small group I can actually come across as the life and soul of the party but more than a handful of people overwhelm me and I withdraw into myself.

Thanks everyone for your lovely replies. I am going to brave it - think of it as exposure therapy! Might stay for a couple and then scarper; I suppose drinking on the street isn't really conducive to a long session anyway. to everyone who is dealing with their own issues at the mo, whatever they may be.

[2bazookas]

Just reply " Sorry no, too soon for me.

What I'd really like best is to get back into socilaising in baby steps, starting with just one person, then slowly build back up to larger numbers.

Would you like to meet for a drink, just you and me?"

[LouiseTrees]

I think she’s probably just trying to meet as many friends as possible given she’s not seen them during lockdown and catch up on lost time. Just say “ I was really hoping I could catch up with just you for now and then them the next time. Sorry just feeling a little shaky at the mo. Understand you’ve already said to them though so if we need to rearrange another time that’s cool”

[Purplewithred]

"Hiya, I've had a bit of a rough week - I'd really love to see you but I'm not up for a group meet right now. Can we arrange something for just you and me?"

[Delbelleber]

Well done OP

[peanutsandpinenuts]

You need to tell here in a nice way.

Sounds like she is the sort that thrives on having a lot of people around here. I'm kind of like this myself, and have tendency towards a 'more the merrier' kind of attitude towards social gatherings.

Just let her know, maybe saying that you won't make this one because you feel supper anxious in large groups. You're really sorry for cancelling again and its lovely she made plans etc. etc. and would really like to spend time with her, just in a 1 on 1 setting. If she is a good friend she will understand and not make a big deal out of it.

[stealm]

I think she was trying to do a nice thing.
I see you've decided to go along anyway. That's probably a good idea.
I also struggle sometimes with social anxiety. I live in another country and we've been out of lockdown a while now. I really did struggle at first and am still not finding it that easy but I have now met up with a couple of small groups of people and even though I was dreading it, I had a great time.
Just tell yourself that you'll go and see what it's like. If it's too much for you, you can make your excuses after half an hour or so.

And also, tell your best friend how you're feeling and that you'd really like to meet up just the two of you at some point.

[Whichoneofyoudidthat]

I vote crack on and get on with it.

[NoMoreDickheads]

People are dying BTW so we should care about social distancing. It's very serious.

As PP's said, tell her, if she's a good friend she'll understand.

[Bluetrews25]

Very glad to hear you are going anyway.
OP 1: 0 Anxiety
Maybe she alerted the others because she felt you might cancel on her and she was up for going out even if you didn't show up.

[Frozenfrogs86]

Just say something like "To be honest I'm having a really hard week and can't face a group gathering. Could we meet up just the two us?". She probably has no idea how you are feeling.

[carly2803]

tell her!

if you were my best friend id completely understand and meet you alone, and then ask you when you are ready to meet as a group

i do understand a and d though!

[ohtheholidays]

Be honest my DD17 has anxiety and there is no way I'd ever force her to do something that would make her worry and could cause her to have a panic attack,the whole of our family are aware and we support in every way we can and we all celebrate her and with her when she manages to do something outside her comfort zone(which is always her idea never ours)and because of that she feels loved and understood.

If my DBF was struggling I'd want to know and there is no way I would arrange something that she would struggle with because she's my bestfriend and I love her.

[monkeyonthetable]

You do know what to do - you need to tell her that you'd love to meet up one-to-one. She can't read your mind. She clearly is one of those people who automatically shares an invite. You are not, but she can't guess this unless you say so. If she is a good friend she will completely understand your anxiety and look forward to a quiet catch up with you.

[heartsonacake]

Be honest my DD17 has anxiety and there is no way I'd ever force her to do something that would make her worry and could cause her to have a panic attack

ohtheholidays You need to be very careful you’re not enabling her anxiety. Is she receiving treatment?

Unfortunately, only going out on the rare occasions she feels able to leave her comfort zone isn’t going to get her well again. She can live without anxiety, but she needs to get help for it.

[Thelnebriati]

I had treatment for agoraphobia and it dealt with a lot of my social anxiety, it turned out one was feeding the other. If you can get it, its worth a try.

[PhilipJennings]

If you think you might brave it, good for you! It probably will be just fine.

But if you find it really daunting, don't worry - you can say it. "Hi BF, I've been finding the pandemic hard going tbh and I'm not sure I'm up for a group outing just yet. Would you mind if we kept it to just us for now and I'll catch up with X, Y and Z separately another time? If you've already made plans with them to come along I'll step out and we can rearrange a one on one another time - whatever's easiest."

(I have also asked a friend to uninvite someone she invited along to a meet-up before, and she did, no questions asked. A true friend!)

[sonjadog]

You can just say that you aren't ready to meet lots of people yet after lockdown. If she is a decent person she will understand. I live in a country where we left lockdown about 6 weeks ago. It took a while for people to feel okay about going out with others again. Some people needed longer to feel okay with that than others. It was absolutely fine that they felt that way. No-one commented it or criticized them for it.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Can you say to her you haven't been out yet, she knows you and knows you are likely to be a bit nervous, you would like to suss out for yourself what it is like being out in the unusual environment that is now the norm and would she mind if the two of you met up just 1/2 hour before and you can decide to go home before the others arrive if you don't feel comfortable?

Or, could you go a walk/drive through the area yourself and check it out and make your decision?

If you want to go out you need to take the proactive steps that you are completely in control of that can to make it happen.

[MintyMabel]

I’d just tell her.

I get why you’d want to brave it to push yourself, but it is also important to look after yourself, especially as this has been a really shitty time for anxiety. I’d want my friend to know this otherwise it might fester if she keeps doing this and you keep having to leave early.

Say you’re happy to try a group meet later but for this one, can it just be you and her.