To consciously take a back seat to parenting knowing that it will likely impact my son’s future

[Atadaddicted]

So - I’ll keep it brief.
My 11 year old son and I have a fraught relationship.
He is a very complex and tricky character. He is kind and empathetic but very very hard work and also been. Required intense parenting.
He is also very intelligent.

But to get him to do anything - be on time / not lose something / study - is forcing our relationship in to The gutter.

I am a bit micro management mother / “tiger mom”. I see that but not excessively. Although definitely on the higher end of having high expectations and pushing.

And I’m wondering whether anyone has been similar but decided to actively take a step back, knowing that it will likely lead to more punishment at school, late for things and ultimately not achieving as highly in exams as potential BUT a happier and more relaxed mother and son relationship?

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

SummerDayWinterEvenings - I agree it's balance.

I've made places for shoes and coats - but if they don't put there things there well it's on them if they can't find them.

I've given them academic wall charts and wipeable homework planners on their walls in front of their desks and I'll remind them to use them and ask them if they have homework and check with them if they have finished for the night - but that's it.

As DD1 has gotten older that's been less and less nessesary as she plans her work out - and DS is slowly getting there though he struggles prioritizing sometimes.

[msflibble]

If your son can't cope in the world-renowned school without constant micro-management then it isn't the right school for him, I'm afraid

^^ This here, 100%. I cannot stress enough how important it is for parents to recognise what their kids are capable of and also what they are not able to sustain. He may be very intelligent but that doesn't always translate to being able to cope with intense workloads. Understand his potential is based not just on his IQ but his character too. Otherwise you will waste time, money and energy pushing him on a path that he drops away from as soon as he has full autonomy.

[Shrewsdoodle]

I agree with PP that it's not sustainable to keep micromanaging him as he'll never learn to manage himself. Ease off and help him build coping skills/ tools himself.

I'd suggest you have a read of some ADHD symptoms (innattentive type). The hyper off the wall stereotype doesn't apply to anyone and there are varying "levels". Even if he definitely doesn't have it the advice and tools designed for ADHD will probably really help him with the issues you mentioned.

[MatildaTheCat]

He sounds very much like my DS.

I picked my battles. I would organise his life to a degree, for example keeping his room under control, ensuring he had the right stuff with him and very, very gradually stepped back. If I’d done as little as some on here suggest he would have fallen into absolute chaos.

I suspect my DS may have a degree of ADHD and still struggles a bit with organising himself but is a functioning adult with a home and a job. I don’t regret supporting him and helping. More than averagely be a he needed it.

However stepping back from things that cause endless friction makes sense. After the age of 12-13 I would help with homework if requested but stopped trying to force him to do homework.

It’s a tricky line, you have my sympathy.

[QuestionMarkNow]

I would step back.
Because he needs to take responsibility for himselfe and atm he isn't because he doesnt need to.

So yes he will forget his PE kit and will be punish at school. Hopefully after a couple of time,s he will have learnt to remember his PE kit.
He will forget to do his homework/learn. And will have a coupe of bad tests resulst. And hopefully he will have learnt that he needs to do some work.

Also he is now 11yo and he really needs to learn to be self sufficient for that sort of things.

So I agree that you need to step back but not just to save your mother-child relationhsip.
I would encourage activities outside fo school where he needs to look after himself. And agan, I would let him fail.
Because my experience is that this will be the only way he will learn (true for my dh too btw)

[QuestionMarkNow]

Btw I also agree about some PP suggesting possible ADHD etc... If he is absolutely unable to get organised if you have a total hand off approach then this would point towards issues like this.
But you won't know until he has at least TRIED to get organised himself.

I also agree about removing the help gently. I would tell him that you know its a pain when you are on his back all the time so from now on, you will just remind him ONCE (eg has he done his homework etc...) and then leave him to it etc...

[Splattherat]

Yes I did this in terms of homework. DS very bright but also laid back and lazy. Every weekend we had arguments about homework as he was doing anything other than homework. I emailed his head of year and he replied saying saying DS was lovely boy and he had contacted all his teachers and non of them had any issues due to lack of homework. He was just coasting.
Anywhere he bucked his ideas up in year 10 and even more so again in year 11.
However, I did still parent him in other areas such as asking him to keep his room tidy, ensuring he went to bed at a reasonable time, didn’t take his phone to bed on a night or bring it to the table at meal times etc.

[Notcontent]

OP - I could have written your post! I am also a lone parent, bit of a “tiger mum”, with a dd (a bit older than your ds) who is pretty smart but can be very resistant to doing things. It’s possible she might have mild ASD/ADHD. We have had some screaming rows over the years about school work, etc.

I am slowly learning to accept that I can’t micromanage her. However, I am not going to take a complete back seat as a bit of nagging and pushing from me does yield results... and now that she is older and slightly more mature she has actually acknowledged that I am not just being horrible for fun, but because I care about her!!!

[EmperorCovidula]

Have you spoken to the school about this? If they are relying on you to make him do his school work they’re hardly phenomenal. I would also caution against assuming that he’ll be sorted for life if he goes to a public school, they may be able to iron out his problem but then again so many ‘amazing’ schools are actually just pimped up state schools these days when you strip away the veneer created by loaded but thick parents who pay out for the shiny new buildings.

I honestly think it’s more important that he learns to take responsibility for himself, that is unless you plan to go to uni with him and continue to enable this.

[Barbararara]

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this yet but it’s a book that might resonate with you The self driven child
There is an interview with the authors here which might give you a flavour of their approach before you decide if you want to read the book. Just fast forward through the chatty bit at the beginning of the podcast to get to the interview.
I think your instincts are right, but it’s important to find a proactive approach, rather than feeling (or conveying) like you’re giving up.

[justasking111]

What is intense parenting please.

We have a public school locally a real crammer excellence expected as normal. They kick out anyone who does not excel.

The thing is when these teenagers hit university because they have been cajoled along for many years the shock of being left to get on with it no hand holding meant they flunked out.

I know this because they were friends of DCs outside of school from birth.

[puzzledpiece]

Consider attention deficit disorder. My son is exactly the same. Definitely step back from micromanaging him. It just causes dissection.

[ChicCroissant]

I would also agree that he is in the wrong school.

Have you written threads about struggling to get a bursary for secondary, with a large number of exams?

[Atadaddicted]

Quick one
I have always suspected adhd

What are the consequences of a diagnosis in terms of what support and what actually happens?

[Atadaddicted]

@ChicCroissant
No

[Zebracat]

It is tough isn’t it. I had a boy exactly like this, and at 11 decided to let him get on with it.I remember saying to him at 17 that one day he would be blaming me for his poor grades and asking why I didn’t make him work. He responded that he already thought that. Things changed after that, but too late to salvage his grades.
I think it is important to have clear expectations and consequences. I also think it very important that they arent allowed to spend their life on screens, keep the atmosphere light, but absolutely follow through on consequences.

[GrandmaMazur]

He sounds very similar to my DS (12) and the possibility of ADHD (or actually ADD) has only come to light in the last year or so as he's not obviously hyperactive.

A psychiatrist suggested that I read a book called Scattered Minds which is written by a psychiatrist who has ADD. Some of it is quite scientific to do with the development of ADD and how it affects the brain but it has sections about how to help children (and adults) with the condition.

I would highly recommend it. The main gist is that you make your child feel completely loved and secure whatever their behaviour as people with ADD really suffer with poor self-esteem. Once they feel secure they will be better able to develop self-management skills. Easier said than done of course and the author suggests that parents may need help in the form of family therapy to change their behaviour.

So I'd suggest that your relationship is far more important than nagging him to do homework etc. and best if you can sort that out now before he reaches teenage years. I'm not judging as I was on DS's back for months but I've realised that it didn't really help him and since I've started leaving him to his own devices a bit more our relationship has definitely improved.

[Atadaddicted]

@Vodkacranberryplease

I’m soaking up your post. It resonates

[justasking111]

Scattered minds sums up my first and third DS. They do get there eventually, they find it as frustrating as we did. However, they are very talented young and not so young men now with endless energy.

A crammer would not have suited them, they went to a more outward bound school with lots of energy sapping activities.

[zingally]

When my sister and I started secondary school, and had a month or so there to settle into the routine etc, our parents backed right off.

I remember my dad saying something like "we'll give you everything you need to be successful, we'll always buy you the right kit, if you want your own copy of a text book, we'll get you one, you'll have time and space to study, if you ask for help, we'll bend over backwards to support you. But ultimately, it's on you now."

Academics were seen as very important, but neither of my parents ever interfered with how much, or how little, we did. And as long as we got good reports and good parents evenings, they left us to it.

[Smallsteps88]

Bear in mind OP that if your son is moving to secondary school in September- whether it’s the bursary school or not- there will be a transition period where he will need your support to organise himself. It’s a big change from primary and he’ll have a lot more to remember every day so please don’t remove your support right at the time when he needs it most. It’s actually a great opportunity for you to help him establish good habits and routines that will carry him through when you do step back a bit. Sit down with him when he starts secondary school and write out routines and checklists that he can refer to himself at various points in his day to keep himself on track. If he gets into the habit early (with reminders from you to check his lists) the routines will establish themselves and you’ll find you will need to remind him less and less anyway.

[msflibble]

OP, just one thing to keep in mind:
As an ADHD person I have always preferred working with my hands. My parents were adamant I'd get a proper education, A levels, university degree etc. I wanted to be a hairdresser, but it was always made clear to me that due to my academic potential work like that wouldn't be an option as it was too badly paid.

Truth is I lack the patience, time management and organisation to do anything other than working with my hands (except maybe data entry). It took me years of wasted time to realise this.

I think you should talk to your son and find out what he enjoys, the sort of work he can really see himself doing etc. Being an electrician or a plumber can be really well paid and may ultimately suit his temperament and abilities better. The trades are essential jobs that are always in demand and don't require years of stressful academic studies. Work out, with him, what he's naturally good at. Don't try to force him to be something he isn't.

[Lolapusht]

He’s got to share your vision of his future otherwise you risk damaging your relationship or of him opting out at the first opportunity. He needs to learn self-discipline and he won’t do that if you’re constantly telling him to do things. Does he want to go to the brilliant school? If he’s doing it because you’ve told him he needs to do it, how is he going to cope with the pressure of maintaining high standards? Not only will he have to deal with the academic pressure, he’ll also have to deal with letting you down and the associated guilt. Where’s the space for him? What do you have planned for his future and what is your measure of success? Have you chosen a university for him yet? Occupation?

[EdgarAllenCrow123]

It does sound like inattentive ADHD and you need to explore that as soon as possible. A lot of inattentive children can coast through primary with parents and teachers help but it falls apart at secondary due to increased demands that parents sometimes don't have a lot of influence over.

[Paintedmaypole]

The extreme approaches of micro management and total hands off leaving natural consequences to kick in are both unkind to the child. If he is having difficulty in organising himself it is your job as a parent to research ways of helping him (e.g. Wall charts, planners, diary) it needs to be put accross as helping rather than bossing, then gradually decrease the support you give to a gentle reminder. He is 11, he is still learning. Only if he is actually uncooperative leave consequences like detention to kick in. Regarding ADHD, while it is a possibility have you never as an adult had the experience of forgetting things when stressed and over loaded.? You both sound stressed. I think you really need to ask yourself some quite deep questions about what you want for him and why. I would take some pressue off, spend time just enjoying yourselves together, let him take the lead in choosing activities. Praise effort rather than success and then see how he is. In fact I would spend afew weeks just relaxing together and introduce diary etc in a positive way to prepare for secondary school. ( something like, " You will have a lot of things to remember now you are going to secondary school and you are more mature so we need some stuff to make it easier for you"). Put him in charge of it and praise him, especially let him hear you praising him to others. He needs you to help him for a few years yet, but not to nag, pressure and micro manage.