Really need to stop being so irrationally angry...

[MustBeBU]

Hello,

I have NC as, quite frankly, I'm not proud of myself and I'm not too keen on associating my other posts with this nonsense.

Anyway... I feel angry. For background, I live with my OH, our two children, and FIL. FIL has a grandchild, who I will call Tom, who is an adult, that technically lives here too. He has his own bedroom.

He pays zero rent to stay here. He refuses to contribute to food shopping, gas, electricity, internet. He uses the internet, a lot, often it's slowed right down because he is downloading (illegally) tons of games to his laptop for his xbox, PS4, etc. He eats the food that's in the house most days and treats himself to a takeaway when he fancies it. He regularly tells me he's hungry and wants to know what's for dinner, ie. what am I cooking him. I think it goes without saying that he uses gas and electric. He doesn't work, he is a mature student so he gets a student loan. He refuses to be available to help out if OH needs help with the kids (they're both quite young).

A few weeks ago (but during lockdown, I might add), Tom decided fuck it, he's going to stay for a while with his friend. It took everyone else by surprise. He and OH used to be very close, but now Tom is a miserable, selfish arse that only seems to care about himself. He has no children and no partner, which is not a criticism, he's only in his late twenties, I'm just adding to make sure the full picture is there.

After Tom fucked off left, I decided that the surplus of canned food etc that has been clogging up the kitchen and even the hallway needed to be moved. Tom made it very clear that he has no intention of returning until university starts again in September/October. (PS we didn't stockpile food, for some reason we just have a lot building up). So, I moved it all to Tom's bedroom. That is now my makeshift pantry.

Now, Tom has become aware that his bedroom is being used for storage, and is barking orders at FIL to make sure it's cleared up before he gets back, which could be 'at any time'.

So yes, as I mentioned before, I'm not going to deny it, I'm angry!! The sense of entitlement is driving me up the wall. I rarely get this bothered by other people's behaviour but when I do, I start to think of ways to make things more difficult for the person that wronged me, which is not an acceptable trait to have. So just to give an example, part of me wants to throw MORE shit in his room. This is vindictive. I have no intention of acting on this.

So I'm asking for rational people to a) tell me if Tom really is a huge Dickhead, or if I'm being judgemental and entitled; and b) to tell me what a rational kind person would do, instead of what a hot tempered PMSing banshee would do. I imagine they're two different things

TIA!

[VodselForDinner]

You need to get out of there.

At the moment, you’re pretty much a guest in your boyfriend’s house so you don’t have the right to annex Tom’s bedroom, no more than he had a right to store stuff in yours of your children’s.

It sounds like a ridiculous situation.

[ButteryPuffin]

If your FIL is a decent bloke in a number of ways and 'like a dad to you', I would try opening up to him about this. Tell him that you are happy to cook for him, but you feel that it's all drifted into you becoming general housekeeper and servant for everyone and that makes you feel like no one cares that you do all the dirty work. That you understand that Tom's got some growing up to do, but that it feels disrespectful to you that he can just laugh in your face when you ask him to get groceries and no one does anything about it. Say that things will need to change if you're going to carry on doing anything in the house, and you'd like his help with that. Name specific amounts and tasks you want Tom to give and help with.

Your husband needs a more stern conversation, I think, on the lines of 'I've finally realised how much of a mug you take me for, and time's up, buddy'. Look seriously at plans to move out with the kids. I agree with the others saying you may never get this house anyway. He may leave it all to Tom out of guilt, or your husband may decide to keep you shut out of the finances even if he does inherit.
Incidentally, you know who these two charmers will expect to do every single bit of care for FIL as he gets more infirm, don't you? While still also waiting on them hand and foot? Don't let it get to that stage.

[MustBeBU]

I do have to say that FIL regularly points out to OH and Tom that he's not happy seeing me doing everything around the house and that he wants to see them do more. He tries to help where he can, but his disabilities mean that he struggles. I do the heavy lifting with bin bags etc, knowing that if I needed FIL to, say, put up a shelf, that he would do it in a heartbeat. It's sad to see when he asks for help from Tom, and same as with me he laughs, says no and that he needs the loo or he's going out. But FIL doesn't feel the same rage that I do about that. He complains under his breath and then gets on with it. I feel I get defensive on his behalf.

@ButteryPuffin Apologies if that's drip feeding, it's only you mentioning to speak to FIL that reminded me to say that. I agree with what you are saying about having a stern conversation with OH, I am honestly trying to pluck up the courage to do so. And what you mentioned about care needs hit me like a tonne of bricks - that is absolutely what would happen.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I would consider voting with my feet and walking but if that's not possible change the wifi password he doesn't use it apparently 🙄 clear the food from his room even if you food bank it and stop cooking for him don't wash for him he is old enough to do it himself

Basically go on strike if 'DH" doesn't like it he can sort it instead of just giving you fucking looks and expectations of you being a doormat

[longwayoff]

As you say, you have no financial interest in the house, Tom may believe he has as much 'right' to be there as you do. Possibly he believes he is more entitled than you are. People can be very odd about property, maybe he thinks he's protecting his future inheritance? You aren't though. You really need to secure your own future and sort out a financial arrangement for you and your children.

[SouthernComforts]

This is a bizarre set up. Why can't you work? Sorry if you've said and I missed it. I can't believe you cook, clean and look after the kids while 3 other blokes in the house do jack shit and one lives there for free!! You're a live in maid and nanny but without a wage or tenancy agreement.

[MustBeBU]

I occasionally do freelance work from home, it's very infrequent but mostly its to try to ensure that I am not totally out of practice when I jump back into the job pool. My DC are both very young and childcare for two children five days a week would cost more than my monthly salary would be. As soon as I'm eligible for free childcare I will be applying for work. In the meantime, as I'm not working and not able to contribute financially, I've normally felt that it's only right that I take on the lion's share of the housework. But over the months it's become very frustrating seeing 'my fellow lodger' taking the piss the way he is. And it makes me wonder if I should feel entitled to anything at all as the mother of OH's kids, or if paying my way with chores is the only way I can justify my existence here. If it's the latter, then it makes me very angry that others aren't held to the same standard.

[RandomMess]

You need to go back to work, share childcare costs and share chores and parenting 50:50 with your OH.

Funnily enough be May then start to see your point about Tom when it starts impacting him....

He does not respect what you do!

It's not just about earnings, what about pension, future carer - you are shooting yourself in the foot with zero security.

[MustBeBU]

Yup. You'll hear no arguments from me on that front. I feel like a prize pillock. I have a lot of reflection to do and plans to make. If I end up bottling it I know I'll only have myself to blame. This is really, really irritating. I feel like I don't even recognise myself any more.

[RichTwoTurkeyFriend]

Your “D” p should be fucking embarrassed of himself. You have no claim on the house because you aren’t married, he raises his eyebrows when you suggest you should start a normal adult life together that doesn’t involve his family bludging off you, and you are essentially a housemaid for him, his father and his nephew?
What a sexist prick. You deserve so much better than this set up.

[haveyoutriedgoogle]

@MustBeBU

I occasionally do freelance work from home, it's very infrequent but mostly its to try to ensure that I am not totally out of practice when I jump back into the job pool. My DC are both very young and childcare for two children five days a week would cost more than my monthly salary would be. As soon as I'm eligible for free childcare I will be applying for work. In the meantime, as I'm not working and not able to contribute financially, I've normally felt that it's only right that I take on the lion's share of the housework. But over the months it's become very frustrating seeing 'my fellow lodger' taking the piss the way he is. And it makes me wonder if I should feel entitled to anything at all as the mother of OH's kids, or if paying my way with chores is the only way I can justify my existence here. If it's the latter, then it makes me very angry that others aren't held to the same standard.

You are RAISING his children. And in a relationship with him. And you feel as though you can only justify your existence by doing chores?!?!
This is not ok.

[Vik81]

You need to both write a will or if the worst happens you will be homeless! I had to do the same when I moved into my partners home. I'm not on the mortgage but if the worst was to happen it goes to me. This situation will be different when we buy our next home, but for the mean time I'm secure.

[ArriettyJones]

If he won’t contribute childcare or to childcare (financially) then that confirms what he is.

[MustBeBU]

It's interesting that by venting about what I thought was a totally separate issue, a lot of cracks have been exposed that I was otherwise not really aware of.

Has anybody been in a similar position (job wise I mean, I doubt many people live with a Tom), and has come out of it better off at the end? Is there hope?

[AuntieDolly]

Did you move into the house with the 3 men in it? Are you married? How many rooms do you and the children have?

[MustBeBU]

For background or clarification, I have a degree, and later I got an extra qualification in a different field and dipped my toes into a totally different sector. I'm not at all work shy, I used to work 70+ hours per week a few years before DC. However, the field in which I work is quite fast moving and it's already obvious that the skill requirements are very different for these jobs now. Hence why I try to take on the odd bit of freelance work so I don't get too stale. This whole SAHM thing really just slowly developed, so that's where I am now but I'm shocked that I've ended up in this position. I'm keen to know if anybody else has been in a similar position and how they dug themselves out of it.

[MustBeBU]

@AuntieDolly yes when I moved in, the three men were already here. Tom was very different though, he took an active role in housework and he and OH got on well. Not married. OH has said he wants to marry when finances are better. Four bedrooms total in the house, one for myself and OH, one for DC, one for Tom and one for FIL.

[Phineyj]

Phew, I think I'd run away with FIL and the DC and leave the other two to their Men Behaving Badly existence!

[MustBeBU]

@Phineyj now there's an idea!

I forgot to mention DCs are one boy and one girl, so although not imminently pressing, eventually they would need to stop sharing a room.

And as a total aside, earlier when I was talking to OH I nearly actually called his nephew Tom  that would have earned me an extra  😂

[RandomMess]

Tom must have been thrilled you moved in, he no longer has to do the wifework.

OH is thrilled you moved in and DC without getting married, you are doing all wife work and parenting, it's costing him nothing bar feeding you and sometimes you contribute and you look after his Dad!

What you do is insist on going back to work and you split childcare costs according to your relative incomes...

You ensure that you save some money up you can access.

All the housework/cooking/shopping is split between all the adults. The parenting is split between you and your OH.

If he isn't on board you know exactly where you stand.

You are already losing your employability hence needing to get back out there and fast!

[Laserbird16]

Getting married doesn't cost that much...a wedding yes but surely you can get married for security for your children and do a party or something later.

Plus your OH needs to get on board so you can Work

[Astella22]

Try just being blunt with him, u don’t need to get angry or confrontational just tell him if ur annoyed he is asking what’s for dinner. Ask him to contribute, he might say no but then at least he can be aware of what’s irritating you. He just sounds immature. I’ve an uncle like this and my Mam takes this approach while his family pussy foot around him and now she is literally the only person he likes cos she just tells him exactly she wants/expects from him and always stands by what she says.

[YaWeeSkitter]

@RandomMess

Tom must have been thrilled you moved in, he no longer has to do the wifework.

OH is thrilled you moved in and DC without getting married, you are doing all wife work and parenting, it's costing him nothing bar feeding you and sometimes you contribute and you look after his Dad!

What you do is insist on going back to work and you split childcare costs according to your relative incomes...

You ensure that you save some money up you can access.

All the housework/cooking/shopping is split between all the adults. The parenting is split between you and your OH.

If he isn't on board you know exactly where you stand.

You are already losing your employability hence needing to get back out there and fast!

Yep ^ this.

[prolefeed]

That’s tricksy. You moved in with DP and his dad to their house, and they also invited their grandson/ nephew. Kids came along.
You don’t say how old nephew is, just adult and mature student, so could still be very young. I was technically a mature student in my early twenties. Either way, if FIL and dp are happy to provide rent free accommodation they can (I am doing the same for my young adult offspring while they are not at university, and as next semester is likely to be online, there is no sign of them going back until January. And I do of course feed them and house them and provide wifi. Although they do get tasked with cooking and other odd jobs which they do.)
The difficulty here is that FIL and dp view nephew as a ‘child’ alongside your children - he’s still in education, he doesn’t drive, etc and so their paternalistic instincts have him nicely set up as requiring their protection (particularly if his own parents are unsupportive of him studying etc.) They see that they are doing a good thing for a child (however old he actually is).
You are viewing him as an adult (likely because your own children are so young - it may be very different when your own children are university age and you may feel a stronger desire to continue to provide for them - and other young adults that you end up in loco parentis for).
I’m concerned for you about not being married, and about your lack of voice over future plans though. The menfolk were already a formed unit when you arrived and have seemingly added another member in the nephew.
Dp’s financial situation isn’t going to improve while he takes in additional (adult) children and you aren’t working, and he sounds completely uninterested in marriage. You will have to discuss the longer term plans - it sounds very much as though dp doesn’t believe you are an equal adult in the decision making process (presumably because they were a formed unit and own the property) and this is a real problem.
I wouldn’t be using nephew’s room as storage (sorry) and I would be focusing on EVERYONE including dp, playing their part in the running of the household. Once you have established that you are a member of the FIL/ dp team, dp might recognize you have a voice. If he doesn’t, I would be reconsidering the future. I’m a woman, a partner, not a housekeeper/ child and elder carer.
Looking for work is a great start to being recognized as a partner.

[billy1966]

Dear Lord OP.

Another stressful thread of a woman with MUG tattooed on her forehead.

Your partner must be thrilled to have you skivvying for the whole family.

Sounds like you are a carer to his father too.

Really!!!

Cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping for the whole lot of them with a lump of man like Tom laughing at you.

Kindly meant OP, but wtf is your self respect.

Could you be more vulnerable.

Your partner could care less, he's getting his needs met, and you care for his father.

Please, please wake up.

How could any woman with even a half functioning brain not be pissed off to be used thus.

You need to put your thinking hat on.