Really need to stop being so irrationally angry...

[MustBeBU]

Hello,

I have NC as, quite frankly, I'm not proud of myself and I'm not too keen on associating my other posts with this nonsense.

Anyway... I feel angry. For background, I live with my OH, our two children, and FIL. FIL has a grandchild, who I will call Tom, who is an adult, that technically lives here too. He has his own bedroom.

He pays zero rent to stay here. He refuses to contribute to food shopping, gas, electricity, internet. He uses the internet, a lot, often it's slowed right down because he is downloading (illegally) tons of games to his laptop for his xbox, PS4, etc. He eats the food that's in the house most days and treats himself to a takeaway when he fancies it. He regularly tells me he's hungry and wants to know what's for dinner, ie. what am I cooking him. I think it goes without saying that he uses gas and electric. He doesn't work, he is a mature student so he gets a student loan. He refuses to be available to help out if OH needs help with the kids (they're both quite young).

A few weeks ago (but during lockdown, I might add), Tom decided fuck it, he's going to stay for a while with his friend. It took everyone else by surprise. He and OH used to be very close, but now Tom is a miserable, selfish arse that only seems to care about himself. He has no children and no partner, which is not a criticism, he's only in his late twenties, I'm just adding to make sure the full picture is there.

After Tom fucked off left, I decided that the surplus of canned food etc that has been clogging up the kitchen and even the hallway needed to be moved. Tom made it very clear that he has no intention of returning until university starts again in September/October. (PS we didn't stockpile food, for some reason we just have a lot building up). So, I moved it all to Tom's bedroom. That is now my makeshift pantry.

Now, Tom has become aware that his bedroom is being used for storage, and is barking orders at FIL to make sure it's cleared up before he gets back, which could be 'at any time'.

So yes, as I mentioned before, I'm not going to deny it, I'm angry!! The sense of entitlement is driving me up the wall. I rarely get this bothered by other people's behaviour but when I do, I start to think of ways to make things more difficult for the person that wronged me, which is not an acceptable trait to have. So just to give an example, part of me wants to throw MORE shit in his room. This is vindictive. I have no intention of acting on this.

So I'm asking for rational people to a) tell me if Tom really is a huge Dickhead, or if I'm being judgemental and entitled; and b) to tell me what a rational kind person would do, instead of what a hot tempered PMSing banshee would do. I imagine they're two different things

TIA!

[famousforwrongreason]

Sounds like you put the tins in his room to initiate bringing this situation to a head.
It's time for ultimatums and if you're not happy I suggest if oh isn't supporting you then you upsticks and leave them to it.

[MustBeBU]

(I wonder if some of his behaviour change is because he sees that more clearly for himself now his world has grown a bit, is feeling unsupported/exploited/neglected, is hurt/angry by it and is adopting a bit of a "fuck them" attitude towards everyone to try and manage those feelings).

Yes! This is absolutely how his behaviour is coming across, it is very much a 'screw you' attitude. Based on what you've said (and also considering my own behaviour when I'm angry) I can understand why that attitude would spill over to everybody in his life. Hopefully, that means he will grow out of it too. I do honestly believe he deserves better from life even if I do want to pour a glass of water on his PlayStation.

I've been looking into courses online this evening after DCs went to sleep and also tentatively searched again for the freedom programme. I intend to look deeper into this tomorrow.

So I just wanted to return to the thread before I sleep to thank everybody for their advice and support. It has certainly given me a lot to think about, but for once that feels like a positive thing. Thank you.

[user12699422578]

Freedom Programme is free offline (in non pandemic times) and £10 online. The course book (Living with the Dominator) is also on Amazon for kindle or paperback, usually for less than £10.

Another resource you may find useful in the long run is CCI. They have free online modules based on CBT on things like assertiveness and self esteem that you may find interesting and/or helpful. www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

Your background does explain a lot about what you've been accepting and how you've been behaving. Don't beat yourself up for it, just learn from it. Once you are aware something is affecting you then you have possibilities to influence the situation.

Anger can be very useful to power constructive change - seize it! It is there to drive us to change things, not to be choked down and suppressed. You should feel angry about how you've been treated and the position you are in, because it is unjust.

childcare for two children five days a week would cost more than my monthly salary would be

That thought process only applies if you are a single parent. Even then it's more complex a decision.

As you've pointed out continuing employment keeps your skills relevant and current so you retain access to the market. Something that is already becoming an issue.

Plus pension. Independence. Having experiences of being valued and appreciated by others. Spending time around people who don't exploit you. Social contact. Mental stimulation. Sense of achievement. Confidence. Self worth.

I think it is sad that Tom's parents aren't supportive of him being at uni and are instead encouraging him to drop out so they can have a free babysitter. That's really shit! People who love us should want to see us thrive and be happy when good things happen for us. (I wonder if some of his behaviour change is because he sees that more clearly for himself now his world has grown a bit, is feeling unsupported/exploited/neglected, is hurt/angry by it and is adopting a bit of a "fuck them" attitude towards everyone to try and manage those feelings).

I can understand why you would care and also why you have compassion fatigue at this point.

It would be lovely if some of the care and thoughtfulness you pour out to other people went towards yourself. Your own lifeboat needs some attention.

[RandomMess]

Oh and no splitting childcare costs 50:50 it's split according to your net incomes as a ratio. You have already sacrificed 2/3 years of your career and pension that he needs to make up for.

[RandomMess]

In terms of household income what you need to point out is that it isn't your household!!!

It's his house in his name, you have no rights aren't treated as having an equal say let alone a financial interest. So you are increasing his capital whilst you have 0

There is no contribution to your pension at the moment nor is you future income being protected it's being compromised!!!

So if you take into account making employer and employee contributions for your pension the household income probably wouldn't be more!!!

[MustBeBU]

Also, thank you for suggesting 'investing in me'. I'll admit it was a pleasant thought as I read that, picturing having my own income and my own opportunity to live where I want without relying on anybody else. I was very happy like that pre DC, and I would like to think I can have both my amazing children and my favourite career. 🤞🏻

[MustBeBU]

If that's the case, which I very much hope it is, then at least I can use that anger to be productive now that I understand what's really wrong. Obviously being spiteful or vindictive wasn't going to get me anywhere anyway 🤦‍♀️ but my head is clearer now.

Regarding the freedom programme; I've seen it mentioned a lot on MN. A lot of people say it's a free online course, but I've googled it and only ever found paid courses and none even in my area .

My chosen (and very much loved) career is technically something I can do from home, self employed, if I got my head around marketing my services. At the moment, time to focus is the main issue. But it is ALWAYS at the back of my mind. I miss working.

[billy1966]

You are not dim.
Sounds like you know this is a shit show.

You don't have ANY irrational anger.

Its TOTALLY rational.

You need to return to work.

He needs to share childcare costs.

He needs to stop expecting you to be skivvy.

You need to stop acting like one.

I think you have this.

Your anger is your gut going fxxking mad at this situation.

[Glowcat]

Given what you’ve just posted about your relationship history, have you done the Freedom Programme?

At the moment you’re not earning, living in a house you have no claim on and acting as full time child care, cook, cleaner, secretary ... It’s not even as if your DP owns the house - it’s all tied up with his family.

You need to start caring more about yourself and less about others. If you don’t want to go back to work look at other ways of increasing your earning potential in the long term via eg part time courses and have your DP deal with more of the childcare and housekeeping. It’s an investment in you. If, in 5 years time, you’re happily together in a jointly owned house with none of his family living in it, great. You’ll just have more joint income so you’ll have good mortgage deal. If you end up separated 5 years down the line you’ll have a good income and employment history so renting a property or looking for a mortgage or credit will be much easier for you.

[DryIce]

OP, I'd be making plans to move out with the kids. If your partner wants to come, brilliant. If he'd rather stay in a house with his dad and nephew, you've kind of got your answer about how he values your relationship. I don't think it is an unreasonable ask to set up life as your own family.

As for Tom, he sounds like a dick but he isn't your problem. He's treating you contemptuously because he can! Because you cook and clean and shop for him, not matter how he behaves.

I think your partner is the problem. He should never have put you in that position and should have realised when you were.

[MustBeBU]

From my limited understanding and perspective, I genuinely do believe that having extra money in the form of student finance, along with friends and 'places to go, people to see', has made Tom start to behave differently. Prior to starting university he was very insular. Now I'm going to embarrass myself further and say that I had been helping with his coursework, proof reading, helping with references etc. (I can realise what I sound like as I'm typing). When I met him, I felt he was being taken advantage of, so I encouraged him to start university. His parents are still very much pushing for him to quit and move back home to help with the kids. I'm still uncomfortable with that! I wish I could just stop caring and wipe my hands of that situation. As much as I 'care' I'm not going to try to persuade him otherwise any more.

I'm normally the first person to jump on to threads and say 'that's abuse, don't stand for it!'. I was in a DV relationship for years and I'm still recovering from it. I felt that with OH's support and understanding, I didn't need anything else. Now I'm slowly starting to realise that I've just been a bigger idiot than ever.

OH has said many times that if he contributes half of the childcare costs, and me the other half, it still will not increase our household income, so it's relatively pointless. Based on the advice I'm getting here, is it fair to say that the 'household income' isn't necessarily important as long as I have my own income?

I appreciate I'm probably coming across as quite dim. I really do appreciate the advice, even the hard hitting home truths, so thank you all.

[iMatter]

Does Tom know about your financial/legal situation?

Is he treating you like this because you are effectively a lodger too? Perhaps if you had a share in the house and were married he'd be more respectful and treat you less like his skivvy?

Either way, you need to protect yourself

[Glowcat]

Tom isn’t the issue. Get your DP contributing to childcare costs and get yourself financially independent from him.

[billy1966]

Dear Lord OP.

Another stressful thread of a woman with MUG tattooed on her forehead.

Your partner must be thrilled to have you skivvying for the whole family.

Sounds like you are a carer to his father too.

Really!!!

Cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping for the whole lot of them with a lump of man like Tom laughing at you.

Kindly meant OP, but wtf is your self respect.

Could you be more vulnerable.

Your partner could care less, he's getting his needs met, and you care for his father.

Please, please wake up.

How could any woman with even a half functioning brain not be pissed off to be used thus.

You need to put your thinking hat on.

[prolefeed]

That’s tricksy. You moved in with DP and his dad to their house, and they also invited their grandson/ nephew. Kids came along.
You don’t say how old nephew is, just adult and mature student, so could still be very young. I was technically a mature student in my early twenties. Either way, if FIL and dp are happy to provide rent free accommodation they can (I am doing the same for my young adult offspring while they are not at university, and as next semester is likely to be online, there is no sign of them going back until January. And I do of course feed them and house them and provide wifi. Although they do get tasked with cooking and other odd jobs which they do.)
The difficulty here is that FIL and dp view nephew as a ‘child’ alongside your children - he’s still in education, he doesn’t drive, etc and so their paternalistic instincts have him nicely set up as requiring their protection (particularly if his own parents are unsupportive of him studying etc.) They see that they are doing a good thing for a child (however old he actually is).
You are viewing him as an adult (likely because your own children are so young - it may be very different when your own children are university age and you may feel a stronger desire to continue to provide for them - and other young adults that you end up in loco parentis for).
I’m concerned for you about not being married, and about your lack of voice over future plans though. The menfolk were already a formed unit when you arrived and have seemingly added another member in the nephew.
Dp’s financial situation isn’t going to improve while he takes in additional (adult) children and you aren’t working, and he sounds completely uninterested in marriage. You will have to discuss the longer term plans - it sounds very much as though dp doesn’t believe you are an equal adult in the decision making process (presumably because they were a formed unit and own the property) and this is a real problem.
I wouldn’t be using nephew’s room as storage (sorry) and I would be focusing on EVERYONE including dp, playing their part in the running of the household. Once you have established that you are a member of the FIL/ dp team, dp might recognize you have a voice. If he doesn’t, I would be reconsidering the future. I’m a woman, a partner, not a housekeeper/ child and elder carer.
Looking for work is a great start to being recognized as a partner.

[YaWeeSkitter]

@RandomMess

Tom must have been thrilled you moved in, he no longer has to do the wifework.

OH is thrilled you moved in and DC without getting married, you are doing all wife work and parenting, it's costing him nothing bar feeding you and sometimes you contribute and you look after his Dad!

What you do is insist on going back to work and you split childcare costs according to your relative incomes...

You ensure that you save some money up you can access.

All the housework/cooking/shopping is split between all the adults. The parenting is split between you and your OH.

If he isn't on board you know exactly where you stand.

You are already losing your employability hence needing to get back out there and fast!

Yep ^ this.

[Astella22]

Try just being blunt with him, u don’t need to get angry or confrontational just tell him if ur annoyed he is asking what’s for dinner. Ask him to contribute, he might say no but then at least he can be aware of what’s irritating you. He just sounds immature. I’ve an uncle like this and my Mam takes this approach while his family pussy foot around him and now she is literally the only person he likes cos she just tells him exactly she wants/expects from him and always stands by what she says.

[Laserbird16]

Getting married doesn't cost that much...a wedding yes but surely you can get married for security for your children and do a party or something later.

Plus your OH needs to get on board so you can Work

[RandomMess]

Tom must have been thrilled you moved in, he no longer has to do the wifework.

OH is thrilled you moved in and DC without getting married, you are doing all wife work and parenting, it's costing him nothing bar feeding you and sometimes you contribute and you look after his Dad!

What you do is insist on going back to work and you split childcare costs according to your relative incomes...

You ensure that you save some money up you can access.

All the housework/cooking/shopping is split between all the adults. The parenting is split between you and your OH.

If he isn't on board you know exactly where you stand.

You are already losing your employability hence needing to get back out there and fast!

[MustBeBU]

@Phineyj now there's an idea!

I forgot to mention DCs are one boy and one girl, so although not imminently pressing, eventually they would need to stop sharing a room.

And as a total aside, earlier when I was talking to OH I nearly actually called his nephew Tom  that would have earned me an extra  😂

[Phineyj]

Phew, I think I'd run away with FIL and the DC and leave the other two to their Men Behaving Badly existence!

[MustBeBU]

@AuntieDolly yes when I moved in, the three men were already here. Tom was very different though, he took an active role in housework and he and OH got on well. Not married. OH has said he wants to marry when finances are better. Four bedrooms total in the house, one for myself and OH, one for DC, one for Tom and one for FIL.

[MustBeBU]

For background or clarification, I have a degree, and later I got an extra qualification in a different field and dipped my toes into a totally different sector. I'm not at all work shy, I used to work 70+ hours per week a few years before DC. However, the field in which I work is quite fast moving and it's already obvious that the skill requirements are very different for these jobs now. Hence why I try to take on the odd bit of freelance work so I don't get too stale. This whole SAHM thing really just slowly developed, so that's where I am now but I'm shocked that I've ended up in this position. I'm keen to know if anybody else has been in a similar position and how they dug themselves out of it.

[AuntieDolly]

Did you move into the house with the 3 men in it? Are you married? How many rooms do you and the children have?

[MustBeBU]

It's interesting that by venting about what I thought was a totally separate issue, a lot of cracks have been exposed that I was otherwise not really aware of.

Has anybody been in a similar position (job wise I mean, I doubt many people live with a Tom), and has come out of it better off at the end? Is there hope?