Dh unsupportive of job...or I work too much

[Feellikedancing88]

Dh and I have very different jobs.

Dh is a team leader in a very manual, skilled, job. Works shifts, and very much has the attitude of goes in on time, finishes when shift finishes, doesn't bring work home with. Unable to work from home due to nature of the job. Doesn't really enjoy the job but it pays well.

I have an office based role. Usual office hours although quite flexible in terms of hours to work round childcare etc (core hours 10 - 4, start and end times can vary) lower managerial role. Really enjoy my job. Have been working at home since the start of lockdown, and prior to this usually worked 1 day a week at home as normal.

I'm the higher earner but not by much.

Since lockdown, a lot of the teams have been furloughed, with minimal staff kept on during this period. This has meant for those left on it has had times when it has been quite busy, but as its been odd days, rather than anyone else being brought back, the team in have just covered, meaning some longer hours etc.

Its now starting to get much busier as lockdown is easing so more team members are back in July, however for the next 2 weeks its going to busy for everyone in. The team all know this and are all prepared to work the extra hours needed, knowing that come July we will be able to take some of this time back.

Today I started work at 830 (after school drop off, a few household chores etc) had a half hour lunch which I went for a quick run, and then finished at 515 when dinner was ready. This is a normal day for me.

Dh worked 7 - 2 so was in charge of picking dc up and cooking dinner.

Dh did dinner for 1715, I finished my call a couple of minutes before and came down to a dh in a foul mood saying I work too much, should be logging off at 4pm to spend time with him and dc and that he was fed up of me working so much.

Tried explaining this was a normal day and I hadn't worked longer. Was accused of not wanting to spend time with them.

Would anyone else class this as a long day ?

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

Definitely not a long day, not unless you normally work part time.

[SarahAndQuack]

I think he is being a dick.

But I also think you need to sit him down and really talk to him about work. What does he want from life? What do you want?

If you work a 'clock on and clock off' job it can feel very different from someone who works a 'the job is done when it's done' type of job. But underneath, you will both have things you want to happen in life (a mortgage? a bigger house? a good pension? Etc.). And you will need to balance that against what you see as basics.

Does he want you to clock off 4pm, if it means you will probably never own your own home (or whatever it is that you want)?

Could you clock off at 5, or even 6, if it means a decent chance of career progression?

Etc.

I do think your DH also needs to realise how a lot of people live. It is not at all unusual for a work day to end after 4pm; he is being a bit silly here. If the underlying problem is he struggles with childcare for a couple of hours, he needs to man up and 1) admit that and 2) accept they are his kids too.

[AuditAngel]

I generally work about 9-6, but at the moment we have regulatory reviews and annual reporting, plus I’m involved in a major project.

At the moment I am generally working 8.30 to 7.30, sometimes longer. Tonight I stopped at 7, but did just check an email that came in.

DH is on furlough and really struggling with my working hours. He wants my attention, and company. He works shifts, so doesn’t always realise my working hours.

He thinks they are taking advantage of me (They are, to an extent) but I am newly promoted and still making my place in the firm, but, he doesn’t think about the massive pay rises I have had over past 2 years. You don’t (in my industry) earn good money for 9-5, nor get progression.

That said, my line manager is brilliant. I took an early finish last week, told her, and she said I should do it more often!

[Sandybval]

I agree @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland, although I purposefully chose a job where it is absolutely not standard or expected to do additional hours, for anyone in the organisation. It's bliss.

[Sandybval]

That said, my line manager is brilliant. I took an early finish last week, told her, and she said I should do it more often!

Yes you should, because you're doing above and beyond your hours. Going by your standard hours, if you were public sector you would be getting 10 hours of flexi a week at the moment, which is more than a whole working day. I know private sector (which I'm now in) doesn't work like that, but it's sad that it's seen as brilliant line management to finish early one day when you've done a tonne extra, rather than being the standard.

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

Normal. Life is busy for those who aren’t furloughed at the moment.

I did 9.15-6 today so that’s exactly the same. Then about another 20 min later while I was waiting for dinner to cook.

[HelpIcantfindaname]

One of the reasons my ex H gave for leaving me was cos I was married to my job. I'm a teacher. Before lockdown I'd be in school before 7.30 & I'd work through my lunch & still sometimes not leave til 5.30, & then have work to do at home most evenings, but not for the whole evening ning. I tried to keep weekends workfree. I was by far the higher earner, he did 2 shifts a week as a carer. He did the school runs & looked after DD... but he didn't play with her, left her homework for me to do & the majority of the housework was left to me too. He very very occasionally cooked. He was told by both of our DMs, & me, if he did more around the house I'd d have more time to spend with him, but he didn't do it. Instead he had an online affair & left. Im now with someone who works regular hours but completely understands mine can vary & I have to bring work home. He cooks & cleans, we are a team. Respect for each other & your jobs is really important.

[namechangerequiredagain]

I get it. He starts work at 7am, which means he's getting up very early. He works a 7 hour shift, which is not far off a full day. Then once home he starts work again with the school run, looking after the kids after school, while simultaneously cooking dinner. That isn't a fun shift. Especially not after an early start and a day's work. I'd much rather do the morning shift myself. I bet it grates a bit when you swan down from your office when all the hard work is done.

I'm on his side. You need to split the dinner shift. If you can flex your hours you should do so, and cook dinner at least 2 days a week. Perhaps eat a little later, say 6pm.

[Crinkle77]

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Its normal/typical but as a PP said, I do think we've somehow all got trapped into working excess hours as standard. I work in a company where it isnt standard and earn a good salary nonetheless, and from my side of the fence, when DH seems to just mindlessly put up with doing extra hours it does fill me with incredulity. If we all just stopped doing it we could all benefit.

Me too. We have set hours 8.45 - 5 and if we work over that we can claim the time back or in some circumstances will be paid for it. Working excess hours shouldn't be standard unless they are compensated for it either monetarily or with time. Too many companies take advantage of their staff by expecting them to do unpaid overtime and that is wrong.

[GiselleStClair]

Your 8.30-5.15 is definitely not a long day. On the other hand, I don't know anyone who works full-time and does a 7 hour day.

I work from home across three different time zones with clients and contractors in each zone. My day starts around 7.30am with me sending work out to my team that I've usually downloaded the night before. DH leaves home at 7.30am for an 8am start with an easy 25 minute open road commute, no lights/congestion; usually he's home around 6pm. Everything in my work is deadline-driven and without good time management the business wouldn't survive. I try to be finished around 5.30 so I can get animals sorted before DH gets home but if I'm still working he'll just get on and do whatever has to be done. There's certainly no expectation that I'll close my laptop and call it quits the moment he comes home, and if there was he'd be sorely disappointed.

Is his complaint a regular thing or just since C-19?

[namechangerequiredagain]

@GislelleStClair. your set up is exactly how it should be. You need to share the work outside of work. That is my point above. OPs DH is lumped with dinner every single night just because he is the one who works earlys. OP has flexible hours, so should be sharing the evening grunt work. 7 hours in a manual job is often a lot more tiring than 8-9pm at a desk. I bet if she acknowledged this his complaining would stop.

I wonder if a woman complaining about the expectation that she always cook dinner, despite working and early shift, when her DH could flex his hour and do his share, would get the same responses?

[Feellikedancing88]

Sorry for the delayed reply

To answer some questions

I work full time, 40 hours a week so 8 hour days are expected. I think everyone is expecting us to work a bit more as we're at home and less commute which is fine and I have no issue with

We usually split dinner and pick up & drop offs depending on what shift dh is on (can be a mix of earlier, lates and nights)

Dinner is the only chore dh really does. Everything else I pick up. For example as well as working today I have:
Emptied the dishwasher
Done two loads of washing (washed, dried and out away)
Taken bins out
Hoovered downstairs
Fed the pets
Tidied all toys away after dc went to bed

Even before lockdown dh will do dinner again depending on shifts, but whenever I offer to do it I get told that he doesn't like how I cook so he would rather do it.

[oblada]

the DH may do dinner but presumably the OP sorts out other things like breakfast and other chores? It's a partnership.
My husband starts work earlier than me so normally I'll sort out breakfast for the kids (though at the moment he gets it ready as he is wfh) and clean up etc. Whilst we are all at home he sorts out lunch because he has a proper lunch break and I don't. And he sorts out dinner because he finishes early and I cannot. He doesn't complain. I do the cleaning and most of our life's admin. Works for us.

[namechangerequiredagain]

Op if you offer to do dinner and he doesn't accept that is a different story entirely.

You can probably tell.... I'm the one who is lumped with the after school kids supervision and dinner prep every night, and god I hate it. When DH times his day to finish the at exact moment all the hard work is done, I could happily throw the meal at him. In the interests of acceptable behaviour I of course don't

[newyorker74]

I don't think your hours are that unusual for a full time job. Mine is very cyclical so some months I can work 4 hours a day and others I can be doing 12 hours. I also travel about 15 times a year for anything from 2 days to 7. My husband is nothing but supportive because he sees that I love my job, am good at it and get paid accordingly. I think if the family responsibilities were unfairly pushed onto him, he might have an argument but if his argument is purely that 'you don't spend time with him' seems to me like he doesn't support your choices. That would bother me personally.

[SHAR0N]

@CayrolBaaaskin

That’s short hours in my profession. I can’t imagine if the sexes were reversed that a lower earning wife would be kicking off about her dh working those hours. He needs to wake up to himself

This.

[Whatnow321]

OP I could have written this post myself. I’m in exactly the same position and me and my husband are constantly bickering about it. So you have my deepest sympathy as I find it very emotionally draining.

My DHs workplace is very unionised and therefore any minute he works over he gets paid for. Due to current lockdown he’s doing similar a 6am start and early finish but having to go into the office. I’m working from home and juggling our kids in the morning until he gets home but then doesn’t understand why I’m working past 4pm. I think the most part of it is he doesn’t like dealing with the kids on his own and doesn’t seems to realise how impossible it is for me to try and work with the kids. I’m not doing my full hours, struggling to keep up with work and Stressed as it is and so don’t need a lecturer about what hours I should and shouldn’t be working. No solution but wanted to know you’re not alone.

[Feelingpoorlysick]

@Shoppingwithmother

5.15pm is really early to eat dinner, surely?

Not if you eat as a family with the kids

[bubbleup]

"I work full time, 40 hours a week so 8 hour days are expected. I think everyone is expecting us to work a bit more as we're at home and less commute which is fine and I have no issue with"

Have you worked more than 40 hours for free and do you usually get paid for your commute?

[Tanaqui]

Has he somehow muddled up core hours with compulsory hours, and in his head you are therefore supposed to finish at 4?

[oblada]

Bubbleup - a lot of employees on a salary are expected to do a bit more here and there to get the job done, without expecting further financial compensation. It is reasonable at this difficult time to expect the staff to help out by working a bit extra on a temporary basis especially given that they are no longer required to commute.
Seems fair to me anyway!

[moomoomummy]

It seems to me very unlikely that this would happen the other way round. Women are expected to support their partners working hours, whatever they may be. I feel as a woman who owns her own business and can work long hours, that I put pressure on myself to be home to see the children) cook dinner. None of my male counterparts that do exactly the same job as me have this conflict. Many of them have wives that don't work and everything is done for them. I don't feel resentful, it's just an observation that I have seen over many years. Those wives never question long working hours

[Nogoodusername]

Nope, not a long day. I worked 9.30-7.30 yesterday

[serialreturner]

Jesus. I usually did 9-10 hour days and a tonne of travel across Europe. He hasn't a clue. To be fair that's why I totally burnt out though the jobs were very well paid.

[zoedoodle]

The issue isn’t whether it’s a long day though, is it? It’s communication - did he know when you’d be working?