Dh unsupportive of job...or I work too much

[Feellikedancing88]

Dh and I have very different jobs.

Dh is a team leader in a very manual, skilled, job. Works shifts, and very much has the attitude of goes in on time, finishes when shift finishes, doesn't bring work home with. Unable to work from home due to nature of the job. Doesn't really enjoy the job but it pays well.

I have an office based role. Usual office hours although quite flexible in terms of hours to work round childcare etc (core hours 10 - 4, start and end times can vary) lower managerial role. Really enjoy my job. Have been working at home since the start of lockdown, and prior to this usually worked 1 day a week at home as normal.

I'm the higher earner but not by much.

Since lockdown, a lot of the teams have been furloughed, with minimal staff kept on during this period. This has meant for those left on it has had times when it has been quite busy, but as its been odd days, rather than anyone else being brought back, the team in have just covered, meaning some longer hours etc.

Its now starting to get much busier as lockdown is easing so more team members are back in July, however for the next 2 weeks its going to busy for everyone in. The team all know this and are all prepared to work the extra hours needed, knowing that come July we will be able to take some of this time back.

Today I started work at 830 (after school drop off, a few household chores etc) had a half hour lunch which I went for a quick run, and then finished at 515 when dinner was ready. This is a normal day for me.

Dh worked 7 - 2 so was in charge of picking dc up and cooking dinner.

Dh did dinner for 1715, I finished my call a couple of minutes before and came down to a dh in a foul mood saying I work too much, should be logging off at 4pm to spend time with him and dc and that he was fed up of me working so much.

Tried explaining this was a normal day and I hadn't worked longer. Was accused of not wanting to spend time with them.

Would anyone else class this as a long day ?

[B9008]

Thing is it might be a normal day to a lot on here but it’s not to him as he doesn’t do it.

To be honest I personally think his working pattern is the right one. This working long hours for no extra pay has crept in over the last 20 years or so and become the norm. Certainly never used to be like that for me.I worked in Investment Banking for a while in the City and it was pub every lunchtime for a full hour and then finish and back at the pub at 4.30. No one stayed late.

[CayrolBaaaskin]

That’s short hours in my profession. I can’t imagine if the sexes were reversed that a lower earning wife would be kicking off about her dh working those hours. He needs to wake up to himself

[SaladSeason]

It's 19:27. I'm still working. I am about to start my last meeting of the day and it will run to 8pm. DS is cooking the chicken tikka I marinaded earlier, on the BBQ. DH is making pilau rice. I'm earning money. It's a team effort

[Shoxfordian]

Is he generally this needy? I finish at 4ish and my dh doesn't finish until half 5 but I don't go bothering him to spend time with me at 4

[AlexaShutUp]

Sounds like a normal day. Most office workers, and especially those in managerial roles, tend to start a few minutes early and finish a few minutes late. Of course, many do a lot more than this.

I'm not quite clear as to why your DH thought you should finish at 4pm. I'm assuming that your contract is full time and not part time?

[Elieza]

There are songs written about ‘working nine til five, what a way to make a living’. That’s an eight hour day. Minus lunch of 30mins presumably.
You did over that but still pretty much an average day.
When DH complains remind him that its going to be like this for a fortnight only and you’re getting time in lieu (presumably, you mentioned getting time off) so he will just have to put up with it.

[Rebelwithallthecause]

I don’t know any companies working 8 hour days anymore

[Devlesko]

Ask him to come home an hour earlier every day, reminding him you do the same amount of hours.
Ask him if he can afford to pay for everything as your employer needs you to work and if he's dictating that you can't, he can pay for everything.
That should shut him up.
However, do you have time together as a family and time just you and dh?

[TowerRavenSeven]

In my country (USA) this is shorter than our typical days which is around 8-5 at the very minimum!

[Whenwillthisbeover]

Well I do, I guess seniority makes a different, i don’t Know a single person in various industries that only works 8 hours, i guess the salary reflects the input.

[Whenwillthisbeover]

Sorry single SENIOR person

[CherryPavlova]

I usually do 9-6:30 when WFH, often 7:00 - 9:00pm if I’m away from home.
My husband does 8:00- 8pm most days.

Your hours are fairly minimal.

[Subordinateclause]

I think that's a short working day, unless you're on under about 20k. Though from the responses about it being a normal day, I wonder if I'm a fool for working too much...

[Iloveacurry]

I think your DH is being unreasonable. You can’t start earlier as I assume you’re dealing with DC and school drop off. 5.15 is hardly late. Normal offices hours really.

[topcat2014]

I read an interview with a high achieving cardiac surgeon.
His small child was asked "what does daddy do".
The child replied "writes emails"..

You do need to find a time in the day after which work is not mentioned. It is very draining to have a partner that never stops mentioning work.

Everyone on Mumnset is always 'on duty', but I am not convinced the whole population is. There are a lot of people who happily leave work at work.

[bubbleup]

I know where he's coming from. If you calculate the hourly rate for all the extra work you're doing then his hourly rate is more and makes it "worth it".

I used to work in a shift job where I did my set hours and nothing more (unless paid for it). My friend was a TA and used to be expected to work half of her lunch, do extra hours etc to set up school fairs/parents evenings, all for no extra pay. She was stressed to the max and I calculated her hourly rate to be £5 at the end of it all

It wasn't worth the family time she was losing at all

[megladon2020]

I think that's a normal day, but if you're working 37 hours then it probably is a bit too much.

TBH your set up sounds perfect. Do you both always work these hours? My dh has always did a technical job where you can't work from home. I'm public sector half the week and self- employed the other. I've been busier through lockdown than ever before. I think people who don't work from home find it hard to understand how we can do a normal amount of work from home.

[SueEllenMishke]

It's totally normal. Today DH stopped working at 6 to come and eat tea with us and is now back working. I did the same yesterday.

I do agree that people who work set shifts can sometimes struggle to understand roles where you work until the job is done.

[alongtimeagoandfaraway]

My husband has recently started congratulating himself on realising that I am calmest when allowed to self regulate my workload, that I will finish when I need to and when I am tired. That I will not neglect others but will balance their needs with the needs of my job and my own mental and physical health. Essentially, I’m an adult and can work out my own priorities.

Great that he realises this - but we’ve been married for 30 years so it’s a little late in coming. I found it immensely stressful for decades when up against a deadline and he’d start demanding my attention, lecturing me about needing to take time out. He now knows he was out of order - but it took 30 years.

I think for some people it is very difficult for them to realise that others may have different perceptions to them. There are societal pressures too, even now, that men are applauded for working hard to support their family whilst women are perceived to be neglecting their children if they are working.

You are doing your fair share, you need to be allowed to complete your professional obligations.
Your work is important, it just has different needs to your husband’s.

I’m writing this whilst monitoring a webinar for work.(I’m off camera). My husband has just come in with a glass of wine and will have dinner ready when I finish.
I hope it doesn’t take 30 years for you.

[thunderthighsohwoe]

I work 7.30-5.30, then every weeknight evening from after we put the toddler to bed until 10ish, plus an afternoon over the weekend at certain times of the year during busy periods. There are six nights a year where I have to stay at work until 9pm, plus normally one or two twilight training sessions annually.

I do the evening work on the sofa usually, so Im still interacting with DP, but I tend to be quite involved with it. I think he quite likes it because he gets free choice over the tv!

I think your DH sounds like he doesn’t understand what your job expects of you because it’s so different to his and then had a bad day. Maybe he’ll apologise with chocolate....

[Di11y]

sounds like he's around with the kids and wants to palm them off on you but can't because you're working.

I was expecting you to say you're working til gone 7 and shirking bedtime. Def not being unreasonable.

is it fair to assume your job has more scope for long term progression?

[Confused1010]

I work 9-5, I’m very lucky as it is flexible but I do occasionally have to put in long days, be away with work etc.
My OH works long hours, in summer it’s 6:30am - late, 12pm onwards often, 7 days a week. No lunch or supper break, I take supper to him and he eats on the go. I find it tedious as I see him for maybe 30 minutes a day in the mornings and here and there at meal times, but he’s a farmer and that’s how it goes so I know to suck it up and get on with it. I enjoy the times he’s not working silly hours.

I do sometimes get grouchy about it and moan that I wish he’d work normal hours - but it’s only because I miss spending time with him. Does he regularly moan about your hours?

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Its normal/typical but as a PP said, I do think we've somehow all got trapped into working excess hours as standard. I work in a company where it isnt standard and earn a good salary nonetheless, and from my side of the fence, when DH seems to just mindlessly put up with doing extra hours it does fill me with incredulity. If we all just stopped doing it we could all benefit.

[ravenmum]

Sounds to me suspiciously as if he has no idea what to do on his own with two children for more than 2 hours.

Just tell him what your hours are and then stick to them as best you can. That way he won't be expecting you to stop earlier, and won't be disappointed. But really, who's back home from work by 4pm? Odd idea.

[WannabeMathematician]

Wow what do you all do? I work about 7.5 to 8 hours a day but I can't keep concentration up for any longer than that. Tbf I have one meeting a week.and it's considered a socialable day if I speak toore than one person for 15 minutes. Maybe that's just due to different industries? In software dev we all work within the 40h week.

Though op your husband is being unreasonable to think that that's not a normal day.